To mums with teens ... have you ever been tempted to walk out?

[teengirlmum]

I've name-changed for this, as I have flaming fear!
I have 3 daughters who live at home; one is in her early 20s and she's a dream. The younger two are 14 and 17, and they are trickier.
I'm in my late 40s, I'm a single mum and I work full-time.
I am struggling with the younger two; I do my best to be a hugely loving, supportive and kind parent. However they're selfish and I really don't get much back. I've tried talking to them about my feelings, but nothing changes.
What I wouldn't give for a hug, uninitiated by me! For one of them to suggest that we watch a film together. Or the offer of a cup of tea.
I'm fucking sad, weary, sick and tired of it all.
I have a fantasy. I fuck off for a few days and leave them to it. Let their bloody father cope with them for a bit (the one my 14 year old threatens to go live with, whenever I call her out on anything).
Has anyone ever done this? I know I won't, as I care too much as don't want to traumatise them, but the thought of them waking up to the situation we're in fills me with a certain albeit morbid sense of glee.
Knowing my luck though, it would have the opposite effect!
AIBU?

Nope, one of each here and they’re definitely not! Different issues, same stress, frustration, exhaustion.

DS was equally difficult (I think I aged about 10 years when he was between 15 & 18) but he’s now in his twenties and is truly one of my favourite people.

DD is currently still in the throes of teenage nightmarishness. I have glimpses of the lovely, funny, creative person she’s going to be, but my god I have to cling onto those at times.

She’s totally self absorbed, lazy beyond belief, occasionally rude and completely takes us and everything she has for granted. But - she’s a teenager 🤷‍♀️. You have to remind yourself that it’s a phase and will pass, despite the fact it feels relentless and neverending right now.

You’re a bloody hero to be going through this with 3 of them on your own, but it sounds like you’re doing a great job so sooner or later you’ll have three lovely, thoughtful, helpful girls in their 20s. Hang on in there!

It's called Ladder of Years
I would definitely recommend it as a great read. I have no experience of parenting teens yet though. Still got little ones here.

You have my sympathy OP - I honestly could have written your post almost word for word.

I have occasionally taken myself off for a drive, coffee or whatever just to keep sane and away from the stropiness and endless bickering.

Im looking for a new job and seriously thinking about a hybrid role further away so I can stay away overnight and away from the children one night a week. I feel awful for even thinking it, but I need to take care of me too. I have 3 teens/adult 15-20, mixed, also a single mum.

I am off away to find that book 😆sounds brilliant!
OP, you're definitely allowed to feel like this, should be no guilt attached to feeling like you need a bloody break. I'd happily bugger off for a very long one right now.
Teenage years have certainly been the hardest (and still going on). Feels like it's never going to end, or rather I can't imagine the transition into fully fledged capable adults happening any time soon.
Just not sure how much juice I've got left in my tank...I feel like a deflating balloon 😫😂
So offering solidarity OP!

I have. But then I never let them get away with treating me like shit from the beginning. Tell your 14 year old she's old enough to choose to live with her father if she wants but if she lives with you this is the minimum you expect. No one likes or respect s a martyrin the house, you sound very woe is me and that really irritates anyone, especially teenagers.

They’re old enough to be left alone. Leave Saturday morning and come back Sunday night. Leave a list of what they need to do: make beds, hoover rooms, make sure no mess left in the kitchen. If you get back to a pigsty give them severe consequences: no phones, no lifts.

Big hug for you ❤️

There’s a really interesting book about neuroplasticity which explains how teens are basically giant toddlers incapable of impulse control, empathy or awareness of consequence as their brains are in a period of rapid development and change (it’s called The Teacher and the Teenage Brain but works for parenting too!)
I have an early teen - and a toddler - and honestly I sometimes parent them the same way. Clear, consistent and firm boundaries but unconditional love.
As a safe person, with a securely attached child you get the brunt, BUT there is hope and it is a phase.

OP if you're planning on running away somewhere nice, let me know and I'll come too! I'm also a mum of teenagers. It's so hard - way harder than I ever imagined. And being peri-menopausal definitely doesn't help the situation.

I found my daughter so difficult as a teenager. I thought about sending her away to her grans, or walking out altogether, felt like a constant failure. Guess who is my best friend now

Solidarity sister ! I know exactly how you feel. Have posted many times about my extremely challenging now 18 yr old . It has made me so stressed and there is no end in sight. Just pure horror 99% of the time. Only thing that helps is to leave the house, be it for an hour, a day, weekend. Don't answer calls from them and focus on YOU. Walk away at home when you feel an argument is coming (need to follow my own advise!) Just say ok and walk away.
People tell me it will all pass but god, When?! You are not alone.

My DD was a nightmare as a teenager and I dreamed of running away. At 25 she is a delight, She doesn't live at home now but sends messages saying she loves me most days. Invites us round for meals most weeks, drops in all the time.

She acknowledges that she was a dreadful teenager and openly says she doesn't know how I put up with her and laughs about some of the worst incidents. (I still shudder inside.)

Teenage years seem to last forever but before you know it you'll be looking back and laughing or possibly shuddering.

You have my sympathy op!

24 year old is now lovely - she was a pain as a teen.

DS - 16 generally okay , odd moments of drama over trivial stuff. Happy as long as he is fed and watered.

DD 14 in year 10 on the other hand is a complete and utter nightmare- worse than DD1 ever was! Currently she has a basic mobile phone ( no internet) and it's the end of the world! I am of course, the worst Mum in the world and nobody else's Mum would ever be so cruel to their daughter and deprive her of a phone that "ong! Is actually my life and what do you expect me to do all day?"

Go have a (planned) break op - teens are a pita!

Eh no, boys are not easier! My eldest has been a nightmare. Nothing but worry. He has been involved in drugs, drink and only 16. Turns 17 in a few months. Unfortunately he has suffered trauma which has been the reason for all of this. It has been nothing but worry as I said. My other three are a breeze at the moment in comparison!

What a comforting thread ! Solidarity . I have done exactly this and came away for the weekend with the dog ! I feel a lot better and when it comes to 15 /16 year old teenage girls sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder!

Mine are now 18 and 23. They are an absolute dream! However, the teenage years were brutal! Give me newborns and toddlers any day. They were never in trouble, always done their homework etc, but the shouting matches that used to go on here, the not doing things around the home and so on, used to make me tear my hair out. It gets better- but boy it's a long road.

It’s so hard. Pushed to the limit.
And it’s relentless!

Pack them off to their fathers and turn your phone off. Book a weekend away and decompress before you burn out.

I have a severe and degenerative auto immune disease, and their indifference is always a bit soul destroying! Look after yourself.

There’s always one 🙄

Teens are vile! I'm fairly sure it's natures way of preparing you for them to leave the nest. I had two teen girls and a toddler it was awful!!

Eldest was dreadful from 11-18. Middle child from 14-19.

I massively lowered my expectations of behaviour but had some deal breakers. No lying and no being rude. Punishment was loss of phone for between a few hours to 24. (Too long and they lose the incentive to behave)I would try to give a warning where possible so they could alter their behaviour.

Also I tried not to take it personally. Both are lovely now.

Unfortunately it isn't like that for many of us, even with the best will in the world.

Well done for being a perfect parent, give yourself a big pat on the back. Well done you!

I really wish people would stop with this nasty misogynistic bullshit. When I was a teenager the boys were just as bitchy as the girls. It was also boys who bullied one of the autistic students to the point they left the school. It was boys who regularly used to fight. It was a boy who brought a knife to school to threaten someone. It was a boy who crashed his car speeding killing someone. I really don't think boys on average are easier than girls. Some boys are easier than some girls. Just as some girls are easier than some boys. Boys are on average allowed to get away with more. If raising teenage boys is so easy why is it that those boys go onto become men who commit the vast majority of violent crime?

Maybe your teenage girls would respond better to you if you weren't so sexist?

I have a teen girl, and it’s reassuring to know the selfishness and belligerence are quite common!

But let’s, please, not trot out the ‘girls are much worse than boys’ line.

I’m a teacher. Teenage boys create 90% of disruption and behaviour issues at school.

Society has this tired old cliché that teenage girls are a ‘nightmare’ and boys are loveable, uncomplicated souls!

Boys make girls’ lives very difficult at school- I see this both professionally and from what my daughter tells me. Boys assume a superiority, judge girls relentlessly on their appearance - and then there’s the Andrew Tate effect.

I know just how difficult it is parenting a teenage girl, believe me - but let’s not forget the horrible pressures on them, and let’s not do a ‘boys are so much better’ number on them!

Cross post!

YES!!! Many, many a time OP. I have found my people.

DD17 was a lovely gorgeous sweet girl until around age 13/14. No idea what happened but fuck me, she's hard work. Nothing like the sweet girl I raised. I'm feeling very validated by this thread and taking some comfort in the fact that it's not something I've done badly wrong! Hoping she comes back around to me one day. She's 18 at the end of this year so hopefully coming out of the awful phase? 🤞🏻😫

I don’t have teenagers but I WAS that teenager. My mum cried loads of times because of me and I didn’t feel bad about her. Just thought she was weak. I was horrible and looking back I don’t know how she put up with me!

it changed immediately when I moved out at 19 and now I’m in my mid - thirties we have a good bond and talk a lot and I am always happy to see her (and dad of course).

all you can do is be there for them and they will come through. Trust them to be on their own - they will hugely appreciate that. They will live off oven pizzas for a few days and get a taste for being a grownup. Hang in there!

I find the militant style just doesn’t work once they are older. You will be in constant conflict, and the issue will be that they will either stop communicating with you altogether, lie or constantly challenge you.