To mums with teens ... have you ever been tempted to walk out?

[teengirlmum]

I've name-changed for this, as I have flaming fear!
I have 3 daughters who live at home; one is in her early 20s and she's a dream. The younger two are 14 and 17, and they are trickier.
I'm in my late 40s, I'm a single mum and I work full-time.
I am struggling with the younger two; I do my best to be a hugely loving, supportive and kind parent. However they're selfish and I really don't get much back. I've tried talking to them about my feelings, but nothing changes.
What I wouldn't give for a hug, uninitiated by me! For one of them to suggest that we watch a film together. Or the offer of a cup of tea.
I'm fucking sad, weary, sick and tired of it all.
I have a fantasy. I fuck off for a few days and leave them to it. Let their bloody father cope with them for a bit (the one my 14 year old threatens to go live with, whenever I call her out on anything).
Has anyone ever done this? I know I won't, as I care too much as don't want to traumatise them, but the thought of them waking up to the situation we're in fills me with a certain albeit morbid sense of glee.
Knowing my luck though, it would have the opposite effect!
AIBU?

Op single mum to two teenage boys (18 and 15). Some days they are really helpful and will do anything..... others its a bear with a sore head. Yes I have been tempted to walk out many many times. Especially when they do stupid things like block the toilet up and leave it 😳😳 some days it's good, other times I could quite cheerfully throttle them. But I don't 😏😏 sending you the biggest virtual hug x we will survive !!!! 🤞🙏❤️

I would also echo that I don’t follow the “ boys are easier than girls “ stuff. It’s cliche and sexist and untrue
the stubbornness, independence and ‘selfishness’ that my daughter has in abundance will stand her in good stead for life in this world , yeah it does my head in at times don’t get me wrong but she will need it !
they are learning to manage all this but it’s hard to live with and that’s why you need to book yourself a night away !

I hâve 3 DDs. And sometimes I bite back. But also I think the fact that they have always had a lot of responsibility helps.

Like you I'm incredibly busy. I work full time and have a small farm so if someone wants something from me they have to help me create the time.

Recently I only cook at weekends pretty much. So when that's gone they are just as much in change of finding supper as I am.

The other thing is that I have always been pretty clear that I expect them to move out after school. They have apartments they can use and I'll foot the mortgage but they need to find flat mates to foot the other half. (We are not in the UK so not needed to be millionaires).

We are now at that point. No 3 is proving fairly resistant to any attempts to make the final step into adulthood and her father is a definite hinderance.

No 4 is a boy and 15. DH is definitely going to be a PIA when it's his term to go into HE.

Sending you a big hug op 💐. I’m a single mum and have a 20 year old son . You are not a bad parent and it is tough trying to work full time as well. My son goes from being helpful to ignoring me without any warning. If I have to unblock the toilet one more time I may scream . Be strong we’ve got his xx

When she threatens to go to her dad’s take her up on the offer.

Yes. Also a working lone parent. No family support.
To be fair, my youngest is really struggling with her mental health and doesn't go to school. It's overwhelming most days as I can't get support for her. Eldest is sensible and lovely, but still a bit teenage and stroppy at times.

I've been this teenager! Becoming an adult is a transformative experience. You question everything and hate everyone. Give them time to grow up and be there for them when they need you. I'm so grateful that my mum just gave me space for years and eventually when I got over myself in early 20s we went back to having lovely relationships. It must have been so hard for her now I realize!

If not wanting to give you a hug is the main issue then i'd say you are lucky! Standard teen. They want to spread wings.

Mine has been into vaping, drinking, anxiety and bad friends. She's turned a corner now and is studying hard for her gcses but omg ...the anxiety!

Yanbu for acknowledging that parenting teens is no fun.

And being a single mum is tough.

Several times each week.

teenagers can be horrible!!!

in fact, if mine are being nice and chatty I know now that it’s because they’re working up to asking me for something - money, a lift, a favour .

Ergh my niece is the same and making me dread my dc becoming teenagers. She's rude only texts me when she wants me to buy her something. And then no please or thank you. And If I do agree to get something she won't bother to let me know it arrived. She's rude to her siblings and no one is allowed to go upstairs when she's home or breathe. Her mums also a single mum and we live quite far away. I've spoken to her many times and then she cries and then I feel bad. It's just teens. Although I wouldn't have dared speak to my mum the way she does.

Also laziness! She will screenshot emails from school pretending she doesn't understand so i have to read it and call her mum to explain what it says. Her mum can't read English. But she can speak English so it's not that she can't explain in English (I only speak English, so no translating!)

She tried to get me to organise her work experience the other day for her. I gave lots of suggestions as she wants to be in aviation. In the end she decided she couldn't be bothered if I wasn't going to do it and would just go to her siblings school apparently.

I'm not saying be militant, just have boundaries and stick to them. No one wants to spend time with someone moaning on at them, which is what teenagers will see it as. Huat ask them nicely, but expect it to happen. Plenty of warnings that x y and z need doing that day so they'll have tea, clean clothes for school etc etc. And as to watching TV together, ask them what they'd like watch.

I find the utter disdain with which they look at me the hardest. They can say really cruel things in a very off hand way and they wouldn’t say it to their friends so they know it’s not nice.

OP someone once explained it to me like this: they love you and need you more than you can imagine but they know that they have to grow up and move away from you and that is very painful so the only way they can cope with this is to ‘hate you’ and believe that they don’t need you and you are irrelevant. Eventually they will come out of the other side as adults and be able to have a more grown up relationship with you. This might all be nonsense but it helps me to see it like this!

Not all of mine are teens - I actually have a selection all the way from toddler to teen.

My toddler is the one that leaves me bleary eyed and cursing a back ache but my teen is the one that wears me down emotionally. I’m a big fan of the 8yo at the moment. Excellent age - although he’s a bit obsessed with death.

I don’t know what advice to offer OP - except that with a 20yo and 17yo at home, I’d be content to book myself into a hotel for a night, if you can afford it. Get some you time. Wake up in a bed you don’t have to wash the sheets on.

Solidarity. ✌️

I agree you should take an overnight to yourself. Don’t flounce though. Just tell your dayghters calmly that their disrespectful behaviour is wearing and exhausting and you need a break and you’ll see them the following day. They’ll be fine without you for a night. Don’t be uncontactable though. Imagine if something bad happened- you’d feel awful

So many stages of parenting are so hard. Whether it's babies, toddler, teens, adult kids. We've all felt like walking out for a breather at times I'm sure. You're not alone

Send the 14 year old to her dad's pack her bags and tell her you need some space. The 17 year old is enough to understand at that age I worked and got myself organised as my mother had my much younger sisters to run after. Don't get me wrong we had the odd teen argument but nothing like you describe.

What has dad said? He's a parent too!

Mine are older than teens now but they weren't any trouble and they really stuck in at school but they are boys, i think they are easier than girls. Mind you they never slept or sat still when they were younger so we copped it then.

Op, hang in there. You sound like a great mum!

One of mine went through a phase where she would concede to come out with me for a walk, to shop or to eat, but only if we went miles out of the area we live in, in case 'someone' saw her with me. She was also very insulting and rude between around 15 and 17. She's now 18, working full time and seems a lot more grown up. Not that we spend much time together but it's nice to be treated with respect again.

You’ve had some lovely comments here OP and I wish you well, and agree you need a break if you can arrange that. I’d just add, take comfort if you can from the fact that your oldest is lovely. In my book that means you’re doing lots of things right. I also have 3 teenagers with my eldest being 19 and she’s doing ok after some difficult times - it’s good to see how things can turn out and it helps me with my younger ones.

What I wouldn't give for a hug, uninitiated by me! For one of them to suggest that we watch a film together. Or the offer of a cup of tea.

I think you need to lower your standards a bit tbh.
I don’t know many teens who would do this, even the best behaved ones.

My DD went from this lovely, enthusiastic, always wanting to spend time with me, happy little girl to a very moody, wanting to be alone and hates the world teen and I found it very challenging.

I just focus on the positives that when she’s in her room all day, I get to have done well earned me time and I’ve started doing things that I could have never have done when she was younger and more clingy.

They need you but not 24/7, so why not get a hobby or just go for a walk in the evenings.
Do something that gets you out of the house and away from them regularly.

If the dad is involved then I would absolutely go away for a few nights by yourself.
If he’s not great, then perhaps a travel lodge once a month if you can afford it.

I wouldn’t leave them to punish them or do it out of anger but I would explain that you are raising 3 kids and working FT and that you are a person too and that you are going to start taking care of your needs more.

I have 2 boys, now 29 and 31. The youngest one was easy as a teen. Pleasant,polite and nice to have around. The older one was such hard work. My brother once described him as being able to start an argument in an empty room. He was rude,aggressive and very entitled at times. I didn't like him much through those years. He went to uni and that was a huge turning point. Living with other people who used the last of everything and were massively inconsiderate really opened his eyes to how it feels. He phoned me once at 21 ish and said how absolutely sorry he was for being, in his words, such an utter twat. Both boys have married wonderful women, live close by and are a joy to know . Eldest son and his wife had us all over for Christmas. It was wonderful. Hang in there. It will get better. My mum often tells the story of my youngest brother and his ability to use every utensil and get mess on every surface when making late night pizza and then go to bed leaving it all there. When he got his first flat and invited them over he gave them plates with their biscuits and asked if they would mind not dropping any crumbs.

The worst thing I did was wish the time away.
I’d say I can’t wait until X time because then it’ll get easier.

When my DD was a newborn I would wish she would be older to sleep through the night.

Then when she was a toddler I wished she was older, so she wasn’t such a handful.

Then when she was starting primary school I would wish she was older and be more independent.

And I’m still saying it now, although I try not to.

I wish I could go back and start again and not wish those times away because although they were difficult, they just went so fast and I should have appreciated them more at the time.

Perhaps do arrange a long weekend away where they go stay with their Dad?

@teengirlmum

why don’t you go away for a couple of days?

They can stay at their dads or at home with your eldest.

go for a spa weekend or organise a girly weekend away with your pals drinking cocktails!

you matter op! @teengirlmum