For thinking my BF is a bit of a wet blanket

[Porkpie44]

Maybe I’m being harsh but god does he like his sleep. 9.30pm on a Saturday night and I’m on my own again as he’s taken himself off to bed because today he was up at 7.30am and drove for 2.30hrs to see a friend, sat around drinking coffee and catching up for hours, 2.30hrs home and he’s knackered! I’ve seriously never known anyone be tired and sleep as much as him. Even on his days off when he’s sat around doing nothing he’ll be yawning his head off and falling asleep at 8pm.

AIBU for feeling like he needs to man up a bit?

He's a lovely man when he's awake

Sorry OP this was comical. So to earn your love all he has to do is stay awake. I've got images of you staring at him prodding him while he's trying to sleep 😂.

@ForTonightGodisaDJ well I’m glad I gave you something to laugh at 🙄🙄

5 hours driving is quite tiring after a working week

But if he’s generally tired by 8pm he should get checked over. I think it can be heart failure related (?), it also could be a poor quality sleep issue.. or iron maybe? Anyway he should book a health check.

I don’t think manning up is helpful at all - if he’s tired he’s tired - he needs to find the cause.

Tell him you aren’t going to be his carer because he ignored his health. Book him a well man check away from his normal GP. That’s what I’d do.

If he's overeating the wrong foods he's not getting the nutrition to give him energy. If he sits around all day he's not getting the stimulation to stop him falling into a state of ennui. If he's OW everything will be working that bit harder, and he also may have sleep apneoa. If there's no underlying health issues, he could probably be a different man if he cleaned up his diet, cut out alcohol and started some excercise. If I were you I'd be suggesting some life style changes as otherwise this will be just the start of his decline into premature old age and you will both end up getting far less from life than you could if he looked after himself.

If he was up at 730 and did 5 hours driving then I can see he would be tired. But if this is all the time then it's concerning. Does he have kids or help look after your kids as I think kids are exhausting generally.

I would say it's carrying around extra weight, making him tired. When I was 3 stone over weight, I was always tired.

Very overweight and not much fun. I can't see what you see in him. Sounds like he needs to make serious changes for his own health.

he is just not interested in losing weight. He doesn’t eat good foods, if I cook something with veg he will have chips instead. He doesn’t drink alcohol though. He won’t go to the gym as he has a metal plate in his foot so uses that as an excuse. He has a health check, with work every 6 months and says that all comes back ok, he won’t have blood checks as he’s needle phobic and he won’t go doctors as knows they will just tell his to lose weight. Do you see what I’m up against 🤷🏻‍♀️

The wife would not get much sympathy if she refused to see a doctor. 'Hates doctors' is code for 'won't make any lifestyle changes, even to benefit yourself and others in your life'.

Absolutely see what you're up against. He has decided to become a human dustbin. Which is his choice, but you are not obliged to stick around and watch.

Id have been on your side if you hadnt of acted like him being tired is him not being a man :S Man up?? Thats what creates ass hole Macho men. Got nothing to do with being a man, you think hes boring thats fine but its not because hes not a man.

Five hours driving is totally knackering. Do you drive? If not you might not realise how that level of concentration really takes it out of you

You don’t have to be up against anything. You’re not his mother.

@YukoandHiro i sure do and I have done plenty of long distance driving too.

This is the issue really I'm guessing - all wholly unattractive, and highly likely to be leading to exhaustion too as his body is functioning poorly

I'm the same way. I'm autistic and ADHD and have had this same level of fatigue since being a child. No reason found though.

I suppose wet blanket is one term for it.

Maybe ill could be another? There could be any number of things going on. Iron deficiency, sleep apnea, diabetes, etc.

Yes, there could be any number of physical reasons why, but he will not see a doctor or make any positive lifestyle changes.

I would quickly lose interest in him. Not because he has health issues, weight problems, needs more sleep than me, but because he’s not taking responsibility for himself.

I do love my bed as well, I’m in bed quite early but don’t go to sleep for hours, I like watching films in bed etc
When he goes to bed at nine does he go to sleep or is he watching stuff, if he is could you join him and watch films etc in bed?

@BlueGrey1 no he goes straight to sleep.

His lifestyle is affecting his quality of life and therefore yours too, for those parts of your lives you share.

We can't escape our choices, they will catch up with you eventually.
I imagine at 49 he is unlikely to get a new attitude to self care and doctors anytime soon, so this is it. It will only get worse as he ages.

You either accept it or decide it's not for you.

A pity, of course, given he is lovely when awake, but ultimately you can't slice and dice someone he's a package.
He is someone who is not going to get fit, eat well and increase his odds of a good quality of life into his elder years... Quite the opposite, he's already seeing his quality of life begin to dwindle. Oh, and he's a lovely person.

You just have to decide if lovely is enough without expecting the rest to change.

Lots of 49 year olds are still doing regular sport, eating well and able to have an active social life outside of work... He's just not one of them.

I take it all back, he is a wet blanket! The veg/chips thing would do my nut.

He needs a wake up call. If he's like this now, in ten years he'll be single in best case scenario, dead in worst one.

No one really likes going to the doctor, you Ado it to take responsibility for yourself because a).you owe it to yourself b)you owe it to loved ones who would be mopping your dribble after a stroke and c)it's cheaper and easier to treat problems the earlier they're discovered.

I never said it was ok, the poster responded in a way that made it sound like they didn't know it was always said to women too.

It might perpetuate toxic masculinity but it also is used to shut women down and tell them to get on with things also.

You may not have used the precise words “it’s ok” but when someone objected to the use of ‘man up’ you justified it by saying people use it all the time and towards women too. Doesn’t mean it’s not harmful language, towards both men and women. It shouldn’t be used towards anyone.

Nope, you made an assumption that I was justifying it. That doesn't mean that I was.

I assumed that poster had never heard of the term being used for women either because of how they phrased their post, but perhaps they did and I was wrong.

So sometimes we can be wrong with our assumptions