For thinking my BF is a bit of a wet blanket

[Porkpie44]

Maybe I’m being harsh but god does he like his sleep. 9.30pm on a Saturday night and I’m on my own again as he’s taken himself off to bed because today he was up at 7.30am and drove for 2.30hrs to see a friend, sat around drinking coffee and catching up for hours, 2.30hrs home and he’s knackered! I’ve seriously never known anyone be tired and sleep as much as him. Even on his days off when he’s sat around doing nothing he’ll be yawning his head off and falling asleep at 8pm.

AIBU for feeling like he needs to man up a bit?

He is a noisy sleeper, snores all the time but never heard him gasping for breath.

whenever I try to talk to him about him always being tired he just fobs it off and says that the average adult needs 8hrs sleep 😐

He won’t go to the doctors, I’ve tried. Says he hates doctors.

i don’t want to end the relationship or I would have done a while ago. He is lovely man when he’s awake.

Oh look.

It’s you. Being kind, as usual.

Or being a fat unhealthy man's carer.

He is up at 5 everyday. I'd be in bed at 9 too if I did not get every day.

Urbu.

Even just the snoring will affect the quality of his sleep, not everyone with sleep apnoea gasps for breath.

His best bet is to lose weight but that's easier said than done I know! If he hates doctors how about an online form. Does your GP offer that? I sent a list of my symptoms, all of them which is something you can't do in a 10 minutes appointment, and my GP rang me and sent me for blood tests.

Where does OP say he gets up at 5am?

Sleep apnoea. He needs to lose weight.

Agree with that. I’m at 5am during the week for work and usually well in bed and asleep by 9pm so that I get 8 hours sleep ready for the early start again. I’ve always always been a minimum of an 8 hour sleep in order to feel good the next day.

Not sure what's "unmanly" about needing sleep. Getting the hours of sleep you need is the single most important thing you can do for your overall mental/physical health. Listening to your body is paramount. And it differs for everyone - eight hours is not an unreasonable amount at all.

I went to bed at 9.30pm last night as well and feel hugely better for it today.

YABU, massively, for using terms like "man up" and "wet blanket". Toxic language. If you don't like him leave him. If you can't occupy yourself while your partner's asleep you're the problem - most people are capable of entertaining themselves.

During the winter months I need 9 hours to feel nice and rested, can survive on 8, and sometimes have a 10 hour sleep to kind of power up for the week.

During summer, I do stay up a couple of hours later as that happens naturally.

I have always been this way and am not overweight - but am neurodivergent and have a very busy life, so need sleep time to process it all.

There are others who need far fewer hours of sleep, and I do envy them at times as they have quite a few extra hours in the week!

But if your partner likes more sleep than you OP, and you resent him going to bed early, then it doesn’t seem that your relationship will work.

It’s a strange thing to feel annoyed about ! My DH sometimes comes to bed with me, and other times he likes to stay up late on his own and watch old films etc.. he enjoys his own company though & we have been together for a long time.

Maybe if you are supposed to be in the “honeymoon” phase, you still feel like you need lots of focused time together ?

he is 49 and works 5 in 3 off and it’s not a physical job either.

So 5 days on, 3 days off. Not a 5am start.

@gannett so I’m wrong for wanting to spend a couple of evenings with my DP cuddled up watching a film together. He works 5 on 3 off, he’s in bed early on his work nights, then yesterday was his day off and in bed early again. So another night on my own. And I’m the problem??

@HeBeaverandSheBeaver gets up at 5am everyday…..does he?? 🤔

Yeah men like that put me off. Maybe it's some sort of primal attraction thing= needing a virile, alert and healthy man. Or maybe it's my own personal ick but an ex used to fall asleep every bloody 5 minutes. Could've been off work for a week but would still be nodding off in the day. Once snoozed an entire Christmas Day. Fucked him off in the end. A mate is constantly saying 'I'm sooo tired' 'yawnnn can't be arsed today' in any context! Don't know how his wife puts up with him. It's infantile!

This is a big part of being compatible in a relationship. I go to bed early, always have. I will happily get into bed at 8pm and probably doze off around 9.30/10. My DH likes having a few hours to himself in the evening, watching a show or playing a game. We do our 'cuddling' up and watching movies and series on TV in the afternoons when he's not working. Personally I couldn't think of anything worse than staying up late watching a film or TV as I just like a bit of silence to relax. But if you do think he has health issues that's a different problem

Then watch the film earlier. Early sleeper/early riser is a very common sleep pattern and most people organise their life around it.

A few years ago I did some contract work that involved being awake in Japan's time zone, for two months I went to bed at 9pm and woke up at 4am. DP and I just shifted our cosy evenings a bit earlier.

@gannett he doesn’t get up earlier though. Last in bed at 9.30pm and got up just after 9am. I have young DC so not really an option to cuddle up earlier either.

I like my sleep too. A 5 Hr drive in one day would knacker me.

My thoughts too, T2DM
Look up signs and symptoms of diabetes....think about the less documented ones too like thrush, skin infections/boils, dental problems, 'fizzy'tingly feet, and erectile dysfunction

I'm always exhausted after a long drive. And 5 hours in one day is a hell of a lot. And after a busy week at work... I get it.

Clearly his weight won't be helping the issue though.

I would be knackered after five hours driving and I am not overweight.

If he needs more than eight hours sleep regularly then it’s likely sleep apnea given your updates regarding his weight and snoring.

If he won’t see a doctor or address his weight issues, I would find that very annoying.

Well if your body clocks aren't compatible and it's not working for you then you're free to end it. That's totally fine. Incompatibility doesn't mean either of you are unreasonable though. Your unreasonableness is in using toxic language that belittles him and questions his masculinity simply for needing sleep.

Wow you definitely deserve a medal 🙄

Ah but you're a woman so it's ok, ops objection is that it isn't manly to be tired, the sleep is an affront to his masculinity.

Op of you don't want to be with someone who's poor weight control is impacting your quality of life, you don't have to be.

I don't think it's about being a wet blanket - his energy levels are out of his control to some extent unless he cuts back a bit - which it sounds like you wouldn't let him do anyway! Driving is actually sooo tiring - it is concentration 100% of the time.

@SleepingStandingUp its nothing to do with being male or female. I use that terminology “man up” on females too 🙄 and just for the record I have never said that to his face.