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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse Sleepovers that are rarely reciprocated?

86 replies

JemimaPyjamas · 03/02/2024 16:12

Quick one as need to give an answer... (it's not strictly an AIBU either but posting for traffic!)

We have had many, many, sleeovers with a close friend of DS's (they are both 10.)
His mum and dad are divorced. His mum is more open to taking turns, his dad isn't.

Last time they asked, I said it was the dad's turn (bearing in mind my DS has stayed there literally once, ever) and the dad said he didn't want to have a sleepover. Fair enough, although it does grate when we have helped with school pick ups, emergency childcare, days out, sleepovers...

I do it because DS enjoys it, not because I enjoy it. It's not my DS's fault that our house seems to be the default house and the dad just assumes we will do it. I also prefer him to have a friend over than be on the PS4.

They are asking for a sleepover tonight - do I say yes to his friend staying tonight (his dad has apparently said he 'doesn't know yet' about them going to his) for DS's sake, or do I say no as I think the dad takes the piss?

AIBU - to say yes
IANBU - to say no

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 03/02/2024 16:13

It's not the child's fault. Please don't punish them (both yours and the friend) for this.

Babadook76 · 03/02/2024 16:15

Sleepovers are not something I’d expect to be reciprocated, everyone’s situation is different, so I’d just decide whether you mind him staying or not. The school picks ups and emergency childcare are different situations, so I would knock that on the head if they won’t do the same for you

Blanket601 · 03/02/2024 16:17

The dad is obv a lazy dck. Just ignore it and let it go, as annoying as it is. Your son’s happiness is more important. Very shortly you’ll have nothing to do at all, sleepovers are much easier when they are that bit older.

BeadedBubbles · 03/02/2024 16:17

My dcs are all adults now but we had quite a few friends for sleepovers over the years whose parents didn't reciprocate. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

Klcak · 03/02/2024 16:17

It depends on how you feel about sleepovers. Is it disruptive to your household or is it a lot of work moving furniture/or in some other way?

If it's not too much of an issue for you, just let the boy come.

His father sounds like a rude shit. If he is uncomfortable with sleepovers, he could say, I'm sorry, would you mind hosting again as it's difficult for me for xyz reason. Not just "I don't want to". Plus I'm not sure I'd want my child in the care of such a loser.

ConcertaFirstTimer · 03/02/2024 16:18

You do it for your child. That's the only reason. If you child asks why it's not reciprocated, you just say - not everyone does sleepovers, but we do! So if you want a sleepover with Ollie, it happens at our house.'

I used to get fed up with lack of reciprocation but long term, what matters is that your child gets to socialise and - as important - that you know he is in loving, capable hands. That dad doesn't sound like someone I'd want caring for my child overnight.

charlaw · 03/02/2024 16:19

The other boy’s father sounds lazy and rude but I wouldn’t say no, everyone’s situation is different and I wouldn’t expect sleepovers to be reciprocated. It’s annoying but I’d do it for the boys.

Original poster
JemimaPyjamas · 03/02/2024 16:20

It's a bit disruptive due to setting up beds, tidying up after, and the friend is a fussy eater which means making something different (I've got a curry in the slow cooker that me and DS would have).

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 03/02/2024 16:21

AIBU - to say yes
IANBU - to say no

Don't these mean the same thing?

Original poster
JemimaPyjamas · 03/02/2024 16:22

It's looking like a yes to the sleepover then! It's true, it's not my son's fault or his friends, but the dad is taking the piss.

He's not a lazy man, as such, more someone who lacks initiative or any motivation to do anything. Hmm, perhaps I do mean lazy...!

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 03/02/2024 16:22

At ten years old I’d be telling them x can stay but you make the beds, and he’ll have to go home for/come after his tea if he doesn’t want curry

cadburyegg · 03/02/2024 16:23

After the age of 11 I never had sleepovers at my house. I was always going to my friends and I never invited them back. It sounds awful but my dad was abusive and I felt ashamed and didn't want my friends to know. I look back and wonder what my friends' parents thought.

If sleepovers can't happen at the dad's house is there a reason why they can't at the mums? If the dad isn't reciprocal can you speak to the mum and ask?

I also noticed when I was that age that people tended to flock to the houses which are bigger and "offer more". One of my friends had a huge house, gardens, games etc.

Looneytune253 · 03/02/2024 16:23

I never did sleepovers either though my kids didn't ask. Think it would've been a no tho. If you want to, do it. If you don't, don't. Reciprocation doesn't come into it

notknowledgeable · 03/02/2024 16:23

why would you say no? I dont understand. Are you saying you want to get rid of your son overnight? For what reason? I much prefer a child coming here rather than my child going elsewhere

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 03/02/2024 16:24

It's frustrating but I think I'd keep hosting if your kid enjoys it. You can't force the other parent to host, so you'd be denying your child something because of another adults behaviour. I'm not sure I'd want my kid staying over with someone who clearly didn't want them. I wouldn't put is past the dad to comment on it or make him feel unwelcome while he's there, and I wouldn't want to put my child in that position.

umbrel · 03/02/2024 16:25

I’d stop helping the dad but organise them when he is with his mum.

Too many fathers seem to miss clubs, parties and sleepovers on their watch. It’s really sad but I’d assume dad is just not interested or finds it hard to mix or can’t be bothered. So I’d organise on mums watch but I’d also assume you will do the lions share.

I am saying this as a parent who has had many, many sleepovers and so far none have been reciprocated and no parent has declined the invite (so I’m guessing they think I’m okay). Not one reciprocated in two/three years and everyone says my kids are really well behaved at parties etc.

I’m not bothered I’m hoping my house is the house to be at in the teen years so I can keep my beady eye on them 😂.

Original poster
JemimaPyjamas · 03/02/2024 16:26

@cadburyegg The mum has said that her exH 'just doesn't have the initiative to think of reciprocating.' She said this after we had stepped in as emergency childcare for the mum (won't go into too much detail why) and the dad was at a gig - we said he didn't need to rush back as we were happy to help.

OP posts:
VickyEadieofThigh · 03/02/2024 16:27

Babadook76 · 03/02/2024 16:22

At ten years old I’d be telling them x can stay but you make the beds, and he’ll have to go home for/come after his tea if he doesn’t want curry

Or bring what he IS willing to eat with him!

I've just had a memory (from 1972) of when the friend with whom I regularly did sleepovers - always at her house, as I shared a room with my younger brother, we had no bathroom, etc) - came over to mine for the day. An old friend of hers was visiting unexpectedly and so had to come with her (we didn't have a phone so no way of negotiating this). My friend's mum sent them with lunch! My mother was aghast - "I'm perfectly capable of feeding an extra teenage girl!" but appreciated the sentiment.

Gymmum82 · 03/02/2024 16:28

I don’t invite kids back for play dates that aren’t reciprocated so no I wouldn’t have repeat sleepovers that aren’t reciprocated either. Sleepovers are awful at the best of times

VanilleA · 03/02/2024 16:29

You have to seperate emergency childcare you've done for mum from dad's reluctance for a sleepover. Dad clearly has his reasons. Perhaps he's useless. Perhaps his house is a tip and he is embarrassed. Perhaps he just can't be arsed. But it's not mum or the kids fault

Moier · 03/02/2024 16:29

Let him stay.. friends are important.. l always had a house full of girls sleeping over.
Don't punish a child for having a shit dad..

Rolypolyup · 03/02/2024 16:29

Saying ' I don't want to' is a perfectly fine thing to say.

forrestgreen · 03/02/2024 16:31

I'd pretend that it's two issues. Think of it as two separate children. Dad's child and mums child.

If mum reciprocates, then do sleep overs with her.

If dad doesn't, then just say tonight doesn't suit sorry. If he doesn't offer time back for all the help you give him, then again say sorry no can do.

bigageap · 03/02/2024 16:32

We are the default house and I love it! The kids (teenagers) quite often have us in stitches. Do they sometimes wake us up? Yes but generally I enjoy them all being here. Just go with it!

Comedycook · 03/02/2024 16:32

I don't think the dad is necessarily lazy.

I actually wonder if he feels uncomfortable as a single man hosting a sleepover?