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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse Sleepovers that are rarely reciprocated?

86 replies

JemimaPyjamas · 03/02/2024 16:12

Quick one as need to give an answer... (it's not strictly an AIBU either but posting for traffic!)

We have had many, many, sleeovers with a close friend of DS's (they are both 10.)
His mum and dad are divorced. His mum is more open to taking turns, his dad isn't.

Last time they asked, I said it was the dad's turn (bearing in mind my DS has stayed there literally once, ever) and the dad said he didn't want to have a sleepover. Fair enough, although it does grate when we have helped with school pick ups, emergency childcare, days out, sleepovers...

I do it because DS enjoys it, not because I enjoy it. It's not my DS's fault that our house seems to be the default house and the dad just assumes we will do it. I also prefer him to have a friend over than be on the PS4.

They are asking for a sleepover tonight - do I say yes to his friend staying tonight (his dad has apparently said he 'doesn't know yet' about them going to his) for DS's sake, or do I say no as I think the dad takes the piss?

AIBU - to say yes
IANBU - to say no

OP posts:
Rolypolyup · 03/02/2024 16:33

I don't understand the whole ... 'I will do something for you as long as it's retuned thing' was this arranged first? What was the agreement? Why would you expect it? Yes it's nice but that's it.

Original poster
JemimaPyjamas · 03/02/2024 16:33

Both kids are here and we have had a compromise. The friend can stay till 9pm and have a movie night, but is sleeping at his own house. This means I don't have to sort beds (they do kind of help but they aren't great at it) etc.

The replies and perspectives are interesting to read. I think our house being the default house when they get older is great, but it does feel a bit relentless when they are young.

Dad lives in a normal house, albeit smaller than ours, but it's not a mess or anything. I think he just can't be arsed (and knows we will do it instead.)

OP posts:
Klcak · 03/02/2024 16:34

Rolypolyup · 03/02/2024 16:29

Saying ' I don't want to' is a perfectly fine thing to say.

I don't really think it is.

If parents are doing things for kids, it's polite to take turns. If, for some reason, a person feels unable to take turns/host/etc then it is fine for them not to as long as they are polite about it. "I don't want to" isn't polite. "I am sorry I am not able to do this at the moment" is better.

MargaretThursday · 03/02/2024 16:35

Fine if you don't want to, but I find your reaction to being asked as "it's the dad's turn" odd. Either you're happy to have him, or you're not. I wouldn't see it as something that has to be equally done. There are times when my dc have spent longer at other's houses; there are times when their friends seem to have always ended up here. That's normally due to circumstances at the time.

BobbyBiscuits · 03/02/2024 16:37

It feels like neither parent on the other side are reciprocating. Is it really bad to have the kid over? The only way would be to ban it but then your child might well feel upset as it's not either kid's fault.
I guess if I could not take the burden I would say something. But what is the question...It's like 'why don't you ever have my kid round your house?' It could be awkward. Sorry, not the best advice on this but sending my support.

Rolypolyup · 03/02/2024 16:41

Maybe he has his very own reason that is none of anyone's business and maybe if someone doesn't want to do something then it's perfectly ok to say that they don't want to do it without having to explain to people.
I would never ever expect things to be reciprocated... it's nice obviously but absolutely not expected and I certainly wouldn't ask why!

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/02/2024 16:50

JemimaPyjamas · 03/02/2024 16:33

Both kids are here and we have had a compromise. The friend can stay till 9pm and have a movie night, but is sleeping at his own house. This means I don't have to sort beds (they do kind of help but they aren't great at it) etc.

The replies and perspectives are interesting to read. I think our house being the default house when they get older is great, but it does feel a bit relentless when they are young.

Dad lives in a normal house, albeit smaller than ours, but it's not a mess or anything. I think he just can't be arsed (and knows we will do it instead.)

That's a fair compromise.

The dad's really not thinking 'big picture', is he?

In your shoes I'd be willing to go out of my way for the mother (she reciprocates on sleepovers); but he would have to ask elsewhere. His laziness will cost him dear in the long run.

SKG231 · 03/02/2024 16:50

I don’t see it as something to be reciprocated. If you want to host, you host. If you don’t, you don’t. If you happen to receive an invitation another time, great. If you don’t, no big deal.

nadine90 · 03/02/2024 16:50

How often are these sleepovers? When I was a kid, people only had sleepovers for their birthday and it’s been the same for my son and his friends. I don’t think you can really expect other people to host them and no one is forcing you to either.

Original poster
JemimaPyjamas · 03/02/2024 16:52

@MargaretThursday I agree re the circumstances comment, although they've been friends since nursery and it's yet to change!

I think part of the issue is that (I hope this isn't a drip feed) I live 5 mins from town / school and the dad lives a 10 minute drive and also that I work from home and he doesn't - I have realised that people often assume people who work from home are also more readily available.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 03/02/2024 16:52

Don't tally keep. People's circumstances differ. If it's not a massive burden for you and the kids enjoy it, do it.

Original poster
JemimaPyjamas · 03/02/2024 16:55

@nadine90 It seems to be all the time! However, not always with this particular friend - he seems to be here, overnight, at least once a month (this has been going on since they were around 7 - ignoring the covid chunk of course.)

DS doesn't have brothers or sisters and I'd rather he was with a friend than on his own.

OP posts:
Alwayswonderedwhy · 03/02/2024 16:57

It's entirely up to you. I found out another parent was moaning about me for not reciprocating sleepovers. It's not something I'm able to do for various reasons so I was pretty annoyed when I found out.

Original poster
JemimaPyjamas · 03/02/2024 16:58

@WhereYouLeftIt Thank you!

No, he's not a 'big picture' kind of bloke. He's nice enough, but rather two dimensional. The mum is very different, and has also been really nice about when we have helped out (which we are happy to, but it's nice to be appreciated) but the dad doesn't really do 'animated' on any level tbh.

OP posts:
SheerLucks · 03/02/2024 17:08

Blanket601 · 03/02/2024 16:17

The dad is obv a lazy dck. Just ignore it and let it go, as annoying as it is. Your son’s happiness is more important. Very shortly you’ll have nothing to do at all, sleepovers are much easier when they are that bit older.

This - if it makes your son happy then I would just do it. You're not divorced I assume.

waterrat · 03/02/2024 17:10

My question would be - does this make your son happy and thereby make your life better and easier?

I would not punish the kids because the parents are not stepping up.

Life is not always about reciprocity - there are always some parents who just don't host children as much for whatever reason.

I would try to think how great it is that your son is at your house under your watchful eye and having a nice time. He will grow up and it will be a good thing that your house is the welcoming one.

pootlin · 03/02/2024 17:11

Glad it’s sorted. Who asked for the sleepover? If it was the dad or his son I would say no.

If it was your son I would say yes but limit it to once a month and also only do it when son is with his mum. I wouldn’t be giving the lazy dick dad child free time.

pootlin · 03/02/2024 17:12

VickyEadieofThigh · 03/02/2024 16:13

It's not the child's fault. Please don't punish them (both yours and the friend) for this.

FFS not wanting to upheave your home for lots of sleepovers is not punishing any child! So dramatic.

BubziOwl · 03/02/2024 17:14

I do agree that "I don't want to" is a bit blunt, but how many times do we hear the classic mumsnet advice "no is a complete sentence" on here?

For whatever reason, this man doesn't want to host another child for a sleepover. Maybe it's a really good reason, maybe it's a shit one. But from his perspective, he's being expected to do something he doesn't want to do purely because his ex wife and his son's friend's mum do it.

I am also just generally of the opinion that expecting everything you do for other people to be reciprocal or transactional is a recipe for misery

Original poster
JemimaPyjamas · 03/02/2024 17:15

@pootlin my DS asked, but he and his friend had clearly been discussing first. I think the once a month limit is a good one - so we don’t have this all the time.

The dad loves his kids but also has a relatively new girlfriend - I suspect there may be a link!

OP posts:
Scalby · 03/02/2024 17:16

DD had a friend from nursery. She slept over from 6 to 16. DD never once had a day out, Birthday or sleepover with that her. I'd do the same again because she was a lovely child and is still a good friend. Her home life was chaotic and very full. She wasn't to blame for the decisions her parents made.

minipie · 03/02/2024 17:20

Yes he’s taking the piss. But you can’t force him to reciprocate.

Personally I’d probably go with heavy handed hints to the dad -

“Do you know yet whether you can have DS to stay this weekend? I would ask your DS here, but he’s been here the last 4 times so think everyone fancies a change! DS eats anything and I can send his bedding if that’s helpful”

if that doesn’t work I’d probably say no sleepover this time (and hope the friend guilt trips his dad) but then invite them another weekend.

Megifer · 03/02/2024 17:22

Wow I'd never dream of punishing a kid because of the parents. That's really sad for your DS and his pal.

Onelifeonly · 03/02/2024 17:26

I do what made me and my child happy. You like your child to have company, so why not? As for the food, you must know what the other boy likes if you have had him over often before. Just go with that. You don't have to eat the same though it might look odd if your DS didn't either. I'd get pizza (if they like that) or a cheap takeaway for an occasional event like this.

In a few years it'll get easier as you needing to look after your child's friends becomes them looking after their friends. (Beware the huge bag of junk food being brought by the guest........)

HarrietStyles · 03/02/2024 17:28

I’d continue to arrange sleepovers at your house on days when the boy is in his Mum’s care. It sounds like you have a reciprocal arrangement with her and you can ask each other to help each other out. I would avoid arranging any sleepover on a day when he is in his Dad’s care, since he is unwilling to return the invite.