AIBU to refuse Sleepovers that are rarely reciprocated?

[JemimaPyjamas]

Quick one as need to give an answer... (it's not strictly an AIBU either but posting for traffic!)

We have had many, many, sleeovers with a close friend of DS's (they are both 10.)
His mum and dad are divorced. His mum is more open to taking turns, his dad isn't.

Last time they asked, I said it was the dad's turn (bearing in mind my DS has stayed there literally once, ever) and the dad said he didn't want to have a sleepover. Fair enough, although it does grate when we have helped with school pick ups, emergency childcare, days out, sleepovers...

I do it because DS enjoys it, not because I enjoy it. It's not my DS's fault that our house seems to be the default house and the dad just assumes we will do it. I also prefer him to have a friend over than be on the PS4.

They are asking for a sleepover tonight - do I say yes to his friend staying tonight (his dad has apparently said he 'doesn't know yet' about them going to his) for DS's sake, or do I say no as I think the dad takes the piss?

AIBU - to say yes
IANBU - to say no

I can’t imagine saying it’s his Dad’s turn

Oh and I'd offer once a month to so it's when you want rather than when dad has a date night

If the Mum reciprocate s then allow sleepovers on her time. Don't provide free childcare for this lazy shit.

Don’t agree to these things with hope of reciprocation. You don’t know what is really going on inside other people’s houses. Not every family that looks like a good family on the outside is actually a place you want your child spending significant time.

sometimes children don’t invite their friends over to hide the truth. Sometimes parents don’t agree to visits because they know they would have to be on outside behavior for too long.

don’t push on this. Just be happy knowing that your son has a home where children are comfortable.

We're the default house too. It does grate sometimes that it's nowhere near equal. It drives me mad when the parents make excuses that they are too busy, to have friends over. Like the rest of us are fancy free, just waiting to entertain their kids! One friend has been here loads over the last 4 years and my DD hasn't stepped foot in her house yet.
I've just accepted that it's for my kids, they're happy, so I'm happy. I suppose it's nice to be the fun house, that everyone wants to come to. When the kids are grown, they'll remember and appreciate the effort you put in!

@Ponderingwindow I know the family reasonably well, DH has had a few evenings out with the dad, for example.

@Fionaville That sounds very familiar! On one hand I genuinely do like it, but on the other it would also be nice to also have the chance to go to the cinema or the pub child free (like the other parents can!) We have a big basement with a big TV and a sofabed - I think that's half the appeal of here too, although I do seem to spend a lot of time tidying it up.

Not sleepovers but I did the bulk of play dates, probably like 90%. I didn’t really mind in general except:

• if they were having other children round and then not asking DD ever, but wanting to come to ours all the time as free childcare basically.
• not helping out when I was really stuck. This happened with one child who was at my house constantly, I had an emergency and mum said no, for no particular reason that she wanted ‘a lazy day’. Luckily DD was getting sick of the girl so i put a stop to it, mum still tried to push for ages afterwards.

I think if they get on and your Dc is happy I would generally carry on.

I think you need to set up a thing where the sleepover needs to be prearranged not short notice I think its important for children to learn not to take advantage of their parents its setting them up for the teen years. it helps them to be a bit more considerate. I wouldn't bother about the dad not reciprocating I'd be more worried him palming off his son on his weekend or whatever.

My DD has quite a few sleepovers at friends and it’s not often we return the favour, although I do let the other parents know when they first offer as it’s due to our home situation.

I would have the boy for a sleepover on days that he’s at his mum’s!

Why would you want your DS to stay at someone's house who was lazy and didn't want them there?

I'd be glad your son has a good friend he enjoys time with, and who feels welcomed at your house.

I couldn't really have sleepovers when mine were growing up, friends parents knew why and were fine with it.

Sounds like the child prefers to being with you over his dad. Fair play to you for making him feel safe OP.

This would definitely be an issue for my husband.

He is very aware of not putting himself in a vulnerable position. He doesn't give a child a lift home from being at ours etc without taking our child with them (young teens). He wouldn't want to be alone with someone else's child and wouldn't want them sleeping over as the sole adult.

A lot of people would prefer sleepovers to be at their own house for the same reason - that they know their child is safe.

I think there are two different things going on in your OP. There is inviting someone to stay because your son wants them to, and there is you fancying some child free time. Can the child free time be achieved in any other way? Are there relatives/Grandparents that can help?

@Winter2020 I am pretty sure the dad doesn't have an issue with it on the basis of his vulnerability, we know the family reasonably well and they know us. They are nice people, both parents, but the dad just doesn't have much about him.

Re child free time, briefly, my mother lives 10 mins away but has pretty much no interest in anyone other than herself. That's a massive whole other thread though!

@ANiceBigCupOfTea In the defence of the dad, I don't think it's about his son feeling safe. I think it's more about the big basement / TV and feeling like they are 'home alone' without actually being so.

I don't understand, if you don't want to have other kids over don't, if you don't mind do.
What does it have to do with the friend's dad? He is allowed not to want sleepovers at his, it sucks for his kid but it's not a huge deal either. He isn't forcing your hand on anything...

My ds's best friend of 12 years or so has had many many sleepovers at our house and came on dozens of days out with us. My ds has never stayed over as his friend has a few siblings and shares a tiny room. His mum is lovely and I've never minded, I'm glad I facilitated all those years as they have a great friendship and he's a lovely lad whom I'm very fond of.

I never expected sleepovers to be reciprocated, I had their friends to stay to benefit my children because it made them happy. I wouldn't want my DS to stay over at his friends if the dad didn't seem keen - I would only want my kids to stay somewhere where they are welcomed!

Also, some of my son's friends didn't have the best home lives - I was quite happy to have them stay over but I didn't let my kids sleep over at theirs.

I have insomnia so the idea of a sleepover fills me with dread!

Don't judge too harshly if parents don't want sleepovers.

I don't think it's helpful to keep a tally, but if you feel taken advantage of, decide where to draw the line.
I'm not a fan of sleepovers and will limit DD to only having one friend. Unfortunately her gang of friends tend to want sleepovers with lots of friends at once - which really can only be accommodated by a few of the parents. I try to even it out a bit with lifts and sending food etc but I really don't want to put up a dozen teenagers!

Our house was where all the kids used to come. I really miss those days now. Enjoy being the favourite house. But, we always got the kids to tidy up together before the guests left

My son lives a sleepover but hardly ever gets invited because (due to disabled son) I am unable to reciprocate. Out lives are small enough tbh would be nice if dcs friends parents were more understanding of our circumstances. Life is not easy for everybody

I very rarely have sleepovers for mine, I have dreadful insomnia and tried with DC1 but being woken by random child for no reason after however many hours trying to get to sleep then starting the cycle of trying to sleep again 2 or 3 times I swore never again.

i try to explain to friends parents when they ask ours but I’m sure some think I’m very rude, the heavy handed hints would be utterly mortifying, please don’t.

either do it because it benefits your DS or don’t, but don’t give to get then hold a grudge.

We are the non-default house. We have never hosted sleepovers because of our space limitations and because DS (teenager with ADHD and some anxiety) wouldn’t be comfortable with younger DD’s friends being in our home all night.

I used to worry about this and apologise a lot, but I stopped because friends’ parents reassured us that it was not remotely about transaction/reciprocation. DD still gets invited to sleepovers elsewhere. I have gradually learned to trust that nobody resents us for it.

I hope that’s true because if I thought anyone was secretly thinking we were lazy, or dicks, I would feel like such a failure when in fact we work incredibly hard to balance everything in this family.

If you don’t want to do sleepovers, stop doing them. Not having sleepovers is not “punishing” a child. Doing them and being resentful about it is passive aggressive and completely unnecessary.