AIBU to refuse Sleepovers that are rarely reciprocated?

[JemimaPyjamas]

Quick one as need to give an answer... (it's not strictly an AIBU either but posting for traffic!)

We have had many, many, sleeovers with a close friend of DS's (they are both 10.)
His mum and dad are divorced. His mum is more open to taking turns, his dad isn't.

Last time they asked, I said it was the dad's turn (bearing in mind my DS has stayed there literally once, ever) and the dad said he didn't want to have a sleepover. Fair enough, although it does grate when we have helped with school pick ups, emergency childcare, days out, sleepovers...

I do it because DS enjoys it, not because I enjoy it. It's not my DS's fault that our house seems to be the default house and the dad just assumes we will do it. I also prefer him to have a friend over than be on the PS4.

They are asking for a sleepover tonight - do I say yes to his friend staying tonight (his dad has apparently said he 'doesn't know yet' about them going to his) for DS's sake, or do I say no as I think the dad takes the piss?

AIBU - to say yes
IANBU - to say no

I've always been more open to my DS's having friends over for tea/sleepover than most of their friends parents are. It's never bothered me, it was just the way it is

I would say yes for your DC sake. I would not help with emergency childcare or school pick ups though.

Is the other child an only child? I don't really like sleep overs as mine play really well together.

One with a friend means the other is left out. But I'm not having them all have friends at once as it's too much

I also wouldn't want to do this as a single bloke.

Maybe they aren't really fussed but don't want to look rude turning down the invite and secretly wish you would stop asking.

Really? Why not for regular sleepovers (I agree for one offs like mum is having a baby or a funeral).
but if it’s dad’s weekend, then no if he’s not willing to reciprocate then it doesn’t happen.

I'm assuming that as they are divorced his Dad doesn't really want another kid around when he has contact with his son. He doesn't see him for (at least?) 50% of the week and so doesn't want to have 'sleepovers' when he does have him.

It's fair enough. If you want sleepovers then do them, but don't necessarily expect others who only see their child for part of a week to want your child as well during their contact time. I can understand that.

My mum hardly ever let me have friends to sleep over, despite me asking and asking. I ended up getting left out a lot while others all went to sleepovers together and the fear of not being included in things has irrationally followed me into adult life. Please don’t punish the child for their parent’s decisions, especially if your child enjoys it. I understand completely it’s annoying though.

@Calmdown14 He has an older sibling, a brother who is 17.

The dad only sees the child 50% of the time so might not want another child around? Then why is he so happy to ship the kid off for sleep overs?

if he didn’t let his child have sleep overs then that would make sense but he seems happy to dump his kid at the first whiff of an offer.

I agree with pp - do them when the child is with his mum so she benefits from the extra free time.

Tbh the dad sounds a bit uninterested/ unengaged. I'm not sure I'd be keen for my child to stay at his house. I'm sure he's perfectly nice but at that age children staying in a strange house should be looked after by people who are good with kids and enjoy having them around. I wouldn't allow sleepovers if I didn't think the responsible parent was friendly and approachable.

I was unable to host play dates or sleepovers during some bad years of emotional abuse.
I hadn't had the courage to admit it to myself yet alone anyone else.
So thank you to the parents who continued to host my son so he didn't miss out.
I love so much that things are different for my younger son, whose best mate spends as much time at our place as he can.

There could be all sorts of reasons why he doesn’t want other kids over, I think people are being really nasty with the judgement and name calling. We used to have kids sleep over all the time, my 3 dc’s would have a friend each on the same night and they’d all pile in one room I’d fill with mattresses and blankets. That all stopped years ago when I developed a bowel condition, the only room suitable for a sleepover is directly opposite the only toilet across a very narrow hallway. I had a panic attack one morning trying to deal with my issue without waking the kids, and failed miserably and I was mortified.