Fiance thinks I'm too messy!

[Gmary20]

So my fiance and I have just had a huge fight and he's stormed off. I want honest options on who is in the wrong and whether I'm being unreasonable.

We have a 12 week old baby and since she's been born my fiance has been great with helping out by doing all the laundry and keeping the house tidy. He's gone back to work but works from home so is here with us during the day. Our baby is pretty easygoing but will only contact nap and I'm breastfeeding, so I spend pretty much all day either feeding her of nap trapped. I get snippets during the day when I can put her down on her playmat when she's happy and awake and I use that time to make myself lunch or have a shower, but other than that I'm holding her and I struggle to wear her in a carrier as she doesn't like it and the extra weight hurts my knees, especially when bending down.

So basically my fiance is becoming increasingly annoyed at mess around the house and this includes him being particularly annoyed about my not sending parcels back quickly enough so they sit behind the door for a few weeks. As I'm sure those with babies will appreciate, sending a parcel back when you have a newborn isn't that easy, you have to get them ready and leave the house which is already a mission, and then when at the post office I have to get her out, set the pram up etc, all the whole shes crying as she hates being in the car, so I have been delaying doing it.

Another key thing that annoys him is me being forgetful. Doing things like forgetting to turn the lights off and leaving cups around the house. Anyway, thismorning (Saturday) he brought me a cup of coffee in bed, I asked him to take the baby for 15 mins so I could have a baby break as I haven't had one all week other than 5 mins when I have a quick shower. He took the baby and within 5 mins he was calling me as he wanted to make himself breakfast. I said ok I'll come and make breakfast, you hold the baby.

10 mins later I hear him stomping downstairs and he's furious as I left the coffee cup upstairs in the bedroom, and apparently he had asked me to remember to bring it down when he gave it to me.

I understand that mess stresses him out, but I don't think he's being understanding enough of the fact that I'm sleep deprived (I look after the baby all night, he sleeps in the spare room and she's not a great sleeper) and that I'm not doing it on purpose, it's just genuine lapses in concentration or memory. Also it's hard for me to do housework and tidy up as I'm literally holding the baby for 23 hours a day.

It's worth noting that I am forgetful and untidy my nature. I was always getting a hard time for it at school and by my parents as a child/teenager, and I have been diagnosed with ADHD. As I've gotten older I've developed strategies to help me stay tidy and organised, however with the baby and accompany sleep deprivation they are going out it the window at the moment and I am a bit of a hot mess. He's always know I'm like this though, so I feel it's unfair of him to constantly be nagging me and getting on my case for things that aren't intentional, and part of my personality, especially when I'm trying me best to be a good mum and I think I'm doing a good job.

Anyway, rant over. I would be interested to hear things from both sides.

you have to get them ready and leave the house which is already a mission, and then when at the post office I have to get her out, set the pram up etc,l all the whole shes crying as dhr hates being in the car

The thing is, if you avoid doing things then they never get used to it, so you never get to do things. How long are you going to stay confined in the house?
I can understand his frustration tbh, and I say this as someone who has an ADHD/ASD DC who was an extremely difficult baby and who only slept 3 hours a night.
It sounds like he is working all day and doing everything in the house, whilst you are sitting all day holding the baby.

He sounds like a nag and a bit of a dick really. He works from home so can take his fair share of house tasks (this isn't 'helping' it's doing his share) and having a go at you is not nice.

I will say though why do you have so many parcels to return that it's become an issue? And do you know you can arrange collection from home by Royal Mail now?

I get that having a newborn is tough, but if you are just sitting holding her all day then how the heck is the house getting so messy? Also, I do think you are building a rod for your own back by letting her get used to only napping if someone is cuddling her. The parcels would annoy me. Maybe stop ordering stuff?

I think you’re making a rock for your own back, you need to get out the habit of just sitting holding her all day. And I’m not sure it’s fair on him to habe to do everything else and work. At 3 months you should be able to put her down and get on with stuff. I can see why he’s annoyed and you need to revisit your strategy.

What is the "mess"? In your short breaks do a walk around from room to room scooping up stray cups, clothes, toys etc and check everything is turned off. Agree with above you need to get used to taking baby out to post office, shops, groups, gp and so on. Have a bag packed ready, so you can just slip her into outdoor clothes and go. Have a wipe board as a reminder, in kitchen or by the door.

It’s good to get out of the house every day with a baby in my experience, it gets them used to it, appreciate it is a faff though.

Is there not a post office drop off you can walk to or could you get a bus? You can interact with her while you travel and you can keep her in the pram.
Public transport and fresh air is great for killing time and showing baby the world even if you do have a car.

Your baby is 12 weeks old, it's time you got out and about during the day rather than just sitting holding her all day every day.

Why is your DH not spending time with the baby in the evenings and at weekends? He should be taking the baby (and should want to take the baby!!) as soon as he finishes work.

Leaving parcels around for weeks, doing little except holding a baby, and covering the house in filthy coffee cups...
If ever there was a time to suggest you pull yourself together it is now.
And get help for your mental state, supported one hopes by your husband.
Good luck!

I think both of you need to compromise. Not clearing a cup straight away is no big deal, having kids requires accepting mess as part of daily life. I would however definitely expect someone to be able to manage some house chores with a baby, if you can't multi task I would definitely not recommend you having another.

You could use the post office parcel collection service ?

The others are right about not avoiding difficult tasks like getting out of the house. The more you do it, the more confident you will get. If you ever plan to have a second child then you wouldn’t be able to just stay at home because you’ve got to do the school run etc

I get that it’s really hard right now and it’s demoralising to be told off for the coffee cup when he knew that you have ADHD but you need to find solutions and ways to make things easier for both of you rather than argue which is easy to do when tired.

What kind of carrier do you have ? can you go to a sling library and try a few different types ? I had great success with a stretchy sling and it allowed me to get things done like looking after other kids and cooking while the baby drifted in and out of sleep.

At 3 months it's ridiculous to just sit holding the baby all the time.

As I have never had a child, I am probably a bit like a man in some ways as I don’t understand what a woman goes through after child birth and truthfully no I don’t understand why this means you can’t bring cups downstairs.

I am glad that other posters, perhaps mothers, have commented on it sounding like you sit around all day holding the baby whilst your partner works and does everything around the house and that you need to start putting the baby down.

The oddest thing about your post to me, was the parcels, you say this as if ordering and sending back parcels is a part of daily life. Stop ordering stuff! And especially stop ordering stuff unless you are sure you need it. Seriously I send a parcel back maybe once or twice a year!

I won't comment on your partner but a few tips. I had 3 under 5 so it was chaos but things we did.....
Make life easy. Food shop to house. Hello Fresh or Gusto. Always got a meal if you can't get out.
Tidy as you go. Basket at bottom of the stairs when you go up take the basket and put away. Have a plastic tub upstairs with things to come downstairs. Finished your coffee put the mug in the tub. Who comes downstairs first take the tub. We still do thud and mine are all teens.
Every day 15 mins in one room. Amazing what you can do.
Have a packed baby bag next to the front door. When you come home refill what was used.
Also, maybe he needs to accept lower standards otherwise he will never accept how messy kids can sometimes be.

I think if you had a one year old I could see his point. But you gave birth 12 weeks ago and anyone that has a go about messiness of the house to someone with a newborn, is a dick.

How much time does he spend with the baby by himself? Does he do his share with the baby before and after work and at breaks? Why is tidying your job (or is the mess all yours).

What does he say when you explain everything you've written in the OP (the contact napping and breastfeeding takes up all of your day and you're too shattered to think)

When we had a newborn I was in the same position as you and my husband did pretty much everything at home (I had a bad birth and severe anaemia as well) other than laundry which I managed between feeds

I mean he does sound a bit of a nag but Honestly my ex husband was untidy and I hated him for it

Also I've never really understood the not being able to shower or get out of the house thing - I think sometimes people set themselves barriers

Mum of twins here

Are you depressed?

And yes some babies feed for hours, puke everything up if you lay them down within the hour after feeding, scream in a sling, won't sleep AT ALL on their own etc and when you add it all together you can hardly manage anything unless you want to leave them to scream themselves sick. I had one of them (now a completely chilled if totally stubborn 6 year old)

I did a lot of sitting holding my baby too, as I was absolutely exhausted. Had no energy or inclination to tidy things. He’s your partner so I don’t think he should be getting angry about what he already knows about you right at this time! He just needs to do his share of holding the baby, taking her out for walks - or pick up after you for a bit during this time when you need his help the most.

Op has said that her husband is doing all the laundry and tidying...he probably doesn't have a chance to hold the baby as well!
I think there is room for compromise here, he needs to lower his standards but it does sound like you don't have any motivation to do much at the moment and perhaps you need to focus on that so you can get out and help out with the house a little.

@Gmary20 another month and the days will be sunnier and lighter and you’ll perhaps be up to walking the baby out in the pram.

However if your dp is sleeping in the spare room then he has no understanding of what it’s like to have disturbed sleep all night and how it can affect your memory and concentration.
I suggest this weekend you tell him you’re going to have a mammoth tidy up and he can bring the baby to you if they’re a bit fussy.
See how long your dp goes before he has to bring baby to you.
Id like to bet he’ll be constantly having to disturb you, perhaps then he’ll realise how hard it is.
Your baby is 12 weeks old, if your dp is getting annoyed about a coffee cup then he’s in for a big shock when that baby is a teen!

I agree with this. How do you think those with second/third/fourth babies cope? By that point you've usually got older siblings to get to school or nursery. New baby has to come too regardless. Get a permanent bag packed with everything you need and get yourself out for walks, see a friend, coffee somewhere etc. Will do you and baby the world of good to have a change of scenery.

It sounds like a bit of both to me.

Yes, it is harder keeping on top of housework and mess when you’ve got a very small baby, especially if they’re still waking frequently in the night. So it’s understandable if things are a bit more disorganised than they were before the baby was born.

But on the other hand, by 12 weeks you should be able to manage some stuff around the house and work on some strategies for keeping on top of things.
As for things like going out to the post office - it really does get easier with practice. I get that it feels like a mountainous task at first, i remember feeling overwhelmed going out anywhere with DC1 at first, but seriously, if you get into the habit of going out with the baby every day, even for short trips, it soon becomes routine for both of you.

Is your fiancé taking the baby half the time he’s home? It doesn’t sound like he is and he should be.

I think it's daft that he married you knowing you're generally forgetful and untidy at the best of times but suddenly it upsets him? Not everyone needs things to be tidy/clean all the time - leaving cups around isn't a hazard. I think he's unreasonable expecting you to change now, with a baby. The time to discuss this and expect change was at the start of your relationship.

Also why isn't he waking up more to tend to the baby? What about weekends - do you ever get a break?

For your sanity, you need sleep and more than 15 mins away from your baby. Can you afford a cleaner? I would recommend it if you can - it will free up time for both of you. Instead of expecting you to be a different person he should work with you to find compromises.

Also all the posters here saying you should be able to manage more at 12 weeks than just look after your child... well, there's women who should be able to raise children and work a paid job, women who should be able to raise children and have hobbies, women who should be able to raise kids and eat healthy/get exercise. Most women can't even manage it when their kids are teenagers.

Clearly it's not at all easy to multitask or every woman would be doing all these things while raising their children.