Fiance thinks I'm too messy!

[Gmary20]

So my fiance and I have just had a huge fight and he's stormed off. I want honest options on who is in the wrong and whether I'm being unreasonable.

We have a 12 week old baby and since she's been born my fiance has been great with helping out by doing all the laundry and keeping the house tidy. He's gone back to work but works from home so is here with us during the day. Our baby is pretty easygoing but will only contact nap and I'm breastfeeding, so I spend pretty much all day either feeding her of nap trapped. I get snippets during the day when I can put her down on her playmat when she's happy and awake and I use that time to make myself lunch or have a shower, but other than that I'm holding her and I struggle to wear her in a carrier as she doesn't like it and the extra weight hurts my knees, especially when bending down.

So basically my fiance is becoming increasingly annoyed at mess around the house and this includes him being particularly annoyed about my not sending parcels back quickly enough so they sit behind the door for a few weeks. As I'm sure those with babies will appreciate, sending a parcel back when you have a newborn isn't that easy, you have to get them ready and leave the house which is already a mission, and then when at the post office I have to get her out, set the pram up etc, all the whole shes crying as she hates being in the car, so I have been delaying doing it.

Another key thing that annoys him is me being forgetful. Doing things like forgetting to turn the lights off and leaving cups around the house. Anyway, thismorning (Saturday) he brought me a cup of coffee in bed, I asked him to take the baby for 15 mins so I could have a baby break as I haven't had one all week other than 5 mins when I have a quick shower. He took the baby and within 5 mins he was calling me as he wanted to make himself breakfast. I said ok I'll come and make breakfast, you hold the baby.

10 mins later I hear him stomping downstairs and he's furious as I left the coffee cup upstairs in the bedroom, and apparently he had asked me to remember to bring it down when he gave it to me.

I understand that mess stresses him out, but I don't think he's being understanding enough of the fact that I'm sleep deprived (I look after the baby all night, he sleeps in the spare room and she's not a great sleeper) and that I'm not doing it on purpose, it's just genuine lapses in concentration or memory. Also it's hard for me to do housework and tidy up as I'm literally holding the baby for 23 hours a day.

It's worth noting that I am forgetful and untidy my nature. I was always getting a hard time for it at school and by my parents as a child/teenager, and I have been diagnosed with ADHD. As I've gotten older I've developed strategies to help me stay tidy and organised, however with the baby and accompany sleep deprivation they are going out it the window at the moment and I am a bit of a hot mess. He's always know I'm like this though, so I feel it's unfair of him to constantly be nagging me and getting on my case for things that aren't intentional, and part of my personality, especially when I'm trying me best to be a good mum and I think I'm doing a good job.

Anyway, rant over. I would be interested to hear things from both sides.

A 3-month-old baby can nap by herself, and the sooner you train her to do that, the better. Also, DO NOT BE SILENT during her naps. Make noise; she needs to learn to sleep through it.

While she's asleep, get your work done.

Nonsense that it’s not true for most women , Christ 80 percent of mothers work now. Plenty exercise and eat healthy.

I can only assume you’re a man with such a negative view of women.

How can he share the baby if she's holding it all the time?

I can see both sides. The trouble is that after 12 weeks you need to have some strategies to allow you to continue with your life. You can’t continue to be glued to baby 24/7 and expect to opt out of life. He should cut you some slack and do his part but tbh it sounds like he is (apart from nights).

Yes this is what she's like, she sleep feeds for an hour and a half at a time, is playful for half an hour in which time I put her down to get some food, shower put dinner on etc, but then soon after she needs feeding again! I can't help it that she's a slow feeder and a clinger. It's gradually getting better and I am trying to train her to sleep on her own during the day but unless I leave her on her own to cry it out, which I'm not prepared to do, I have to carry her for now!

Do you take her out in the pram. Fresh air and motion can induce longer sleeps and raise your mood.

You are not unreasonable. With a young baby your life is going to be chaos.your fiance is being ridiculous

Hello everyone, thank you for your comments. In response to some of your main points:

• I do leave the house every day, I just had two amazon parcels that I didn't take back for 3 weeks as I had to bring it to a different post office than normal so I put it off.

• I'm not buying a ridiculous amount of things, it's just things for the baby and I sometimes need to buy a couple of sizes (eg. a sling I bought and also baby swimming shorts) and I put them behind the door out of sight until I take them back which is always within the returns window.

• With regards to her contact napping, I think people forget what it's like having a young baby. She cosleeps as well so getting her in a cot independently sleeping during the day isn't an easy task, but I'm working on it. As soon as I put her down she wakes up after 5 mins, misses her nap and then she's fussy and overtired so I not only have a baby to look after all day, but a screaming unsettled one. I'm not prepared to let her "cry is out" so it's a slow process.

• I'm not really messy, it's just a cup here and there and clothes not put away, I tidy up every day when I get a chance and our house is usually pretty tidy!

• I do need to get better at putting her in a sling and doing stuff while she sleeps, its jusy difficult as she cries as soon as I put her in there and needs to feed all the time so it's in and out and shes upset.

Update ** Fiance came home with flowers and apologised for shouting at me about the cup!

Great update! Now have some rest. I did just as you, albeit with a less supportive partner, and don’t regret for a second all the baby holding I did - and baby is a brilliant and happy 5 year old now.

DF sounds like a treasure.

One other poster said you are just sitting around and holding the baby. That is no way conveys what looking after a 12 week old encompasses. Your hormones are everywhere, you have to deal with your body not being your own, being utterly exhausted but never truly being able to rest as always being 'on' and alert ready for baby even when sleeping. He's being a dick. He needs to let these things slide a bit.

Exactly. I couldn't put my baby down as they screamed. It caused me so much anxiety as I could never switch off. Poor OP needs a break not someone nagging about a bit of mess

I could written this. 10 years of feeling not good enough. It caused me to have a breakdown when baby was 6 months old. Don't put up with it.

I was thinking that was while he’s at work.

I had a mate years ago really well put together her home was clean happy marriage etc.
Until she had a baby she wouldnt wash a cup up it was all down to her husband to do.
All we heard from her was i have a baby i cant i need a break ect.
She was always holding the baby i think she did it so she had an excuse not to chip in.
Her home became a mess with clutter piles of washing up laundry ect a year later her husband filed for divorce.
He tried so hard.
You had to be there to understand it.
She move on and had 3 more kids but boy did she change when the first was born and never changed back.

However i had 2 a 17 month old and a new born with no help what so ever i got on with things done all my house work everything spotless i stayed on top of it.
I have always been a minimalist i think that help i cant deal with clutter.
But i did come from a family that got on with things.

I just dont get some people that have a baby and then cant get on with things like take a shower put the washing machine on etc.
Constantly holding a baby.
You do have a baby and you're a mum now but you still have to have a clean home for you and your baby.
Its not all down to your partner it took two to make the baby so both of you need to meet each other half way with house work.

I also had a baby who only contact napped until 6 months old and who cluster fed a lot so my house definitely looked like yours when he was 12 weeks old. Unfortunately I don’t have a lot of advice other than using a carrier, I’m really sorry that’s not working for you, it was very helpful for us. Your fiancé definitely needs to relax, he’s not being very nice and you need support and understanding during this time

He certainly does.

it’s never too early to try and train the baby to sleep independently. It can be in the same room as you in the pram or a Moses basket. Use the one sleep in a cot/one in the pram on the move/one on you method. That gets them used to sleeping in all situations.

What type of sling do you have? And are you BF?

I had a clingy slow feeding anxious baby who would not lie down. I tried a few different slings. In the end I got a ring sling and I was able to BF them in it, which meant I finally got things done.
Before I clicked with that it was taking until 4pm to get ready to leave the house.

I'm fucking glad he bought you flowers OP - how dare he be furious with you about a fucking cup? That made me angry just reading it.....

I also felt exhausted just reading your posts, and for the sake of your mental health I would try to find opportunities to get other people to take the baby for a little while (most of all hrr father!) - but not so you can move cups around - so you can have a break, a shower, a walk, do some yoga, SOMETHING that will make you feel like you again.

I know your baby is small and you want to spend as much time with her as you can. But it's good for her to be held by others too - especially her dad! And good for you to keep hold of your own identity as a separate being by taking short periods of time not physically attached to her.

That would be my advice anyway. Good luck!

Sorry to burst your bubble. All woman here. Which is exactly why I can question the patriarchal notion that keeping a house clean is the only thing to aspire to, to show competence and being in control. Being the nurturer was the traditional female role to a man's hunter. Which is why such high standards are applied by society to just how tidy the home is, but not how accomplished you are at work or hobbies. I imagine OP isn't telling her DH off for being lazy for not being a top performer- yet she has to justify not moving a cup.

58% of women are obese according to OSS. You really think that means plenty of mums have the time to eat healthy and exercise? That majority of mums can pass a fitness bleep test, are smashing it in their careers and investing in hobbies when their children are young? Is that why most sports clubs are full of dads, most positions of leadership have men in them, there are more dad gamers and the list continues. Is that why PND is felt equally by men and women?

It's exactly because I'm a woman I don't judge women for not having it all - and I don't need women to do it all to respect them. Maybe if society stopped caring so much about how tidy a house was and how healthy/accomplished/fulfilled the mum was, we'd all be better off.

What an unpleasant and judgemental response. Maybe if your mum had held you more, you'd be kinder.

You shouldn't have to ask your partner to take the baby or give you a break. Any worthwhile father would be doing their share, even if they ask for guidance ( if they have less time with baby due to work maybe).
Getting stressy about parcels and cups when you are doing all the parenting? So unreasonable!
It sounds as though he actively seeks ways to put you down, point out mistakes.
It's easy to be organised when you are getting a full nights sleep!
I'd be monitoring his behaviour very carefully and reconsidering whether marriage to him is a good idea.

I get it, some of it any way. I love the level of bitchiness and superwomen who have appeared.
My baby was very small and I had a nasty delivery. She was 16 weeks old before she hit 10lbs and started to fuss less, sleep better. It was relentless. My nether regions internally, and cocyx had severe bruising and walking anywhere bar the end of the street and back was not possible. So here's my suggestion.

Figure out a routine with your fiance. Can he wear your baby for an hour at lunchtime so you can pop to the post office for example? Or just get some time off without the baby in your arms?

I echo the nappy bag tip. Have one ready to go at the door at all times, repack it as soon as you come home from anywhere so it's always ready. It's also a bit of a lifesaver in an emergency. 12 weeks is also heading into explosive poo stage so don't go anywhere without a full change of clothes for baby.

Babies cry. The hardest thing with your first child is letting them. With your second they often learn to self soothe, wail for a couple of mins and then conk out because you simply can't get to them fast enough when also dealing with a toddler.
It's tricky I know if he is working from home, your natural reaction will be to keep her quiet but if she's fed, changed and somewhere safe. You can have a 5 min shower and let her wail. Consider putting a couple of books under her mattress head or the feet of the cot so it slopes ever so slightly. If she is a bit refluxy this might help. We swapped from the pram cot thing to a sit up seat (almost flat) early for the same reason.
She might like a black and white mobile or a light mobile with the curtains drawn. It might give you a few mins before she kicks off!

The cup thing, meh. That's the sort of thing you get your shit together with when you've slept. He's lucky you haven't put them in his sock drawer or the fridge or somewhere random. Might be worth getting a travel mug as it's easier to carry about with a baby in your arms too.

Flowers and apology are fine, real test is if it happens again.