Fiance thinks I'm too messy!

[Gmary20]

So my fiance and I have just had a huge fight and he's stormed off. I want honest options on who is in the wrong and whether I'm being unreasonable.

We have a 12 week old baby and since she's been born my fiance has been great with helping out by doing all the laundry and keeping the house tidy. He's gone back to work but works from home so is here with us during the day. Our baby is pretty easygoing but will only contact nap and I'm breastfeeding, so I spend pretty much all day either feeding her of nap trapped. I get snippets during the day when I can put her down on her playmat when she's happy and awake and I use that time to make myself lunch or have a shower, but other than that I'm holding her and I struggle to wear her in a carrier as she doesn't like it and the extra weight hurts my knees, especially when bending down.

So basically my fiance is becoming increasingly annoyed at mess around the house and this includes him being particularly annoyed about my not sending parcels back quickly enough so they sit behind the door for a few weeks. As I'm sure those with babies will appreciate, sending a parcel back when you have a newborn isn't that easy, you have to get them ready and leave the house which is already a mission, and then when at the post office I have to get her out, set the pram up etc, all the whole shes crying as she hates being in the car, so I have been delaying doing it.

Another key thing that annoys him is me being forgetful. Doing things like forgetting to turn the lights off and leaving cups around the house. Anyway, thismorning (Saturday) he brought me a cup of coffee in bed, I asked him to take the baby for 15 mins so I could have a baby break as I haven't had one all week other than 5 mins when I have a quick shower. He took the baby and within 5 mins he was calling me as he wanted to make himself breakfast. I said ok I'll come and make breakfast, you hold the baby.

10 mins later I hear him stomping downstairs and he's furious as I left the coffee cup upstairs in the bedroom, and apparently he had asked me to remember to bring it down when he gave it to me.

I understand that mess stresses him out, but I don't think he's being understanding enough of the fact that I'm sleep deprived (I look after the baby all night, he sleeps in the spare room and she's not a great sleeper) and that I'm not doing it on purpose, it's just genuine lapses in concentration or memory. Also it's hard for me to do housework and tidy up as I'm literally holding the baby for 23 hours a day.

It's worth noting that I am forgetful and untidy my nature. I was always getting a hard time for it at school and by my parents as a child/teenager, and I have been diagnosed with ADHD. As I've gotten older I've developed strategies to help me stay tidy and organised, however with the baby and accompany sleep deprivation they are going out it the window at the moment and I am a bit of a hot mess. He's always know I'm like this though, so I feel it's unfair of him to constantly be nagging me and getting on my case for things that aren't intentional, and part of my personality, especially when I'm trying me best to be a good mum and I think I'm doing a good job.

Anyway, rant over. I would be interested to hear things from both sides.

Glad to hear it

For the next 3 months he needs to chill, you (I think) need to focus on knocking off the contact napping and (if necessary) co-sleeping, and get her used to the car. He needs to support you in this. There’s lots on how to move babies away from contact naps online so have a read.

I know you think that’s what’s she’s like, but it isn’t - she’s just used to this. Imagine if you have another in a couple of years. That baby will not be contact napping.

I couldn’t stand to have this criticism every day - it is hard with you both being at home every day. I would try to get out to mum and baby groups and have a break from being at home.

What about a bouncy chair so she can watch you

I never carried any of mine around in slings

They were in the baby car seats that were portable but I know that they are not recommended now

Any chance of him working elsewhere for a couple days a week? Maybe a co working space? And you need to get out of the house every day for a couple of hours. The first couple of months can be really hard, so you are going to have to cut each other some slack. My one had really bad reflux and was in a sling for the best part of 6 months, it’s easy for others to complain about you holding the baby all day but some of them just won’t be put down. It’s not forever. Find a sling that she likes, it will make a huge difference .

I agree with this response. Your husband is being horrible and you've had some really harsh replies on this thread. Some people have evidently never had a difficult/fussy baby or have forgotten what it's like.

I’m pretty sure OP asked for opinions? I didn’t ask for yours? You are judgemental yourself- What a hypocrite!

I'm shocked at these responses, which I feel are unfairly harsh on OP.

I have a 6 month old, my second, and I struggle with keeping on top of housework and running errands like parcels etc. If my husband had a go at me over a cup I would consider that seriously unreasonable! The feeling that I could constantly be doing more never leaves me. But yeah little things fall by the wayside when the baby needs changing, feeding, clothing, washing, and I also need to eat, pee, etc. I can only make inroads into it at weekends, evenings when my partner is back on the scene after work and it's definitely a team effort.

Life with a baby is tough. You sound like you need some time to yourself OP, and if other people can't treat you kindly, please treat yourself with kindness. You sound like you're doing a fab job. Don't let the criticism here get to you. Xx

Some babies need more than others, mine was held (or in car/pram) for 99% of naps. I did life admin on my phone but very little in terms of other housework during naps/mat leave. I have zero regrets a few years later for prioritising cuddles and breastfeeding over tidying.

I would gently encourage getting out a bit more - can't mess up the house if you're not in it

I remember my dh asking me what I did all day when I had dd

It was difficult and it took ages to feed her

I hated not being able to get things done

Babies are trained, an older midwife said to me, don’t hold her all the time, you will regret it, she won’t ever let you put her down, and it’s true.

babies who are neglected don’t expect to be held all the time, we all know this, they don’t need more, but if you train a baby to expect it, they do. And they cry for it.

the op needs to break the cycle where one of them needs to be holding the baby all the time. It’s simply making a rod for her own back, and every parent knows this deep down. Get a baby used to a bouncy chair etc and they are very happy there, it’s not some babies need to be held constantly. Not even remotely.

Trouble is everything has become so much more child centric

Dgd was never put down and she is still demanding and won't amuse herself now she's nearly school age

I think compromise is key. Try and meet him half way. Try and not leave dirty cups around. With the parcels, could you nip out at the weekend with DH or leave baby at home with DH and just go do it yourself?

Great update. He definitely shouldn’t be shouting over a cup, however, for both your sakes I would suggest trying to get her to sleep in a cot or a sling. A sling is probably the path of least resistance. Good luck!

I completely feel you. Really. This post was (and still is, to some extent) me a few months ago. I have a 5 month old DD and I am still regular nap trapped, although not breastfeeding. My house is messy. Sort of a double trouble situation with me as both my fiancé and I have ADHD, he also has ASD. I think your DP needs to cut you some slack. Having ADHD contributes to forgetfulness at the best of times, but being postpartum on top of that takes the cake. Things will get easier. I still struggle to have the time to shower or feed myself but you find ways around it a bit easier as they get older I think. Different challenges and what not. My DD loves to roll constantly now so that's an added challenge in the mix!

Please ignore any comment saying you should be putting your baby down and you're making a rod for your own back.
They're 12 weeks old, very tiny and still want comfort and likely will for many more months yet.
My 13 month old still contact naps most days (in a carrier so bit easier) and I don't care, I have a 2.5 year old aswell and we all survive.

You cannot spoil a baby by giving them all the cuddles, contact naps and whatever else you want to do.
You don't need to sleep train because the first few years of their life they are going through so much developmentally that it's going to be so up and down. They will sleep through when they're ready to and you can't train them to do it. They know how to sleep, they sleep in the womb without being trained.
Just carry on as you are and don't feel guilty about it.

It seems like your partner apologised so that's good. Having a baby is a whirlwind and takes some getting used to especially when you're both tired so go easy on each other and yourselves.

I'm glad he apologised op.

Have you explicitly said "I'm trying to keep on top of it all but she's still tiny, I'm exhausted, my brain is mush and I need you to be patient with me"

Then utilise some of the tips on here, including having a shower once Daddy is able to have her so you can have a longer shower without worrying.

It's hard. I'm like you, I can think off up the cup and then something else and then go down without it. It isn't like I CBA or I think it's not my job, I just forget. My brain is elsewhere. DH is much neater, he has learnt to tolerate me.

At 12 weeks into new motherhood he should be giving you lots more grace than that.

Mine wasn't great at being put down during the day but would fall asleep in the pram, so I went on a walk at the same time every day to get him into a routine with napping, came straight back home and parked the pram in the hallway so I could have my arms free for an hour to tidy up and do whatever I needed to do. In the evening my partner would take the baby after a big feed so I could go have a bath at least once a day. You figure out your own way of doing things and have to work as a team.

What are all these weird 1950s responses, Rod for your own back? Like having tea with my nan and her judgy friends.
It's 2024 and we know that's rubbish. Mine was like this but slept through the night in his own cot from 9 months and is a perfectly independent child now.
A 12 week old baby needs what it needs!
And if the dad was living alone, he'd be doing his laundry and housework anyway!!! Doesn't sound like his life has changed much apart from the odd coffee cup on the side!
The next 3 months things will start to get easier. Don't listen to judgemental crap about what your baby should be doing and what your house should look like. You sort of have to go with how your baby goes. You only get this one bit of time with them, follow your own instincts.

YANBU. Who cares if you leave a coffee cup upstairs? You have a velcro baby and yes everything else will need to take a back seat for a while. Some seriously bullshit / regressive responses here.

So you have time to make the mess and order parcels but not time to tidy up in 3 months?

Having a baby is not an endless excuse to use to not do anything, I would dedicated hour a day and fix it, using 'but I am holding a baby' won't work forever

I totally agree about some of these responses being judgy and regressive.

Not everyone has a baby that naps for more than 20 minutes at a time or can kick about on a playmat while you prepare a healthy lunch and put coffee cups in the dishwasher. If you have a high needs baby it can be hard to find time to do a poo or brush your teeth. Yes you can put your baby down, but hysterical screaming is hard to cope with when you are already exhausted from being woken up every ten minutes throughout the night. It’s completely brutal. Finding it hard to concentrate and stay on top of daily household tasks when being faced with caring for a high needs baby is normal, not lazy.

When DD11 was a baby, Mumsnet was an amazing antidote to all the Gina Ford crap of the time that suggested that if only you had a good enough routine your baby and life would be perfect. I remember reading threads and feeling so relieved that I wasn’t the only one trying and failing miserably, and then realising that actually I wasn’t failing, it was just really difficult. I think it’s what saved me from having PND. It’s so sad the site has gone backwards.

I went on to have three more children and two of them absolutely allowed me to clean the house and shower and let me take parcels to the post office and even read a book/put on makeup/go to baby cinema/socialise with friends. Not all babies are created equal and to assume everyone’s experience will be the same as your own is unimaginative and lacking in empathy.

OP I’m so glad your fiancé apologised! And things will get easier.

This! I think you perhaps don't know until you've been there.

Good for you if you managed fine on 3 hours of sleep(which is probably a lie) and was able to carry on as normal but in real life most people cannot function on 3 hours sleep.

I can't believe he expects a tidy house, post office run with a small baby. Not everyone is fine with running errands with a baby in the pram. My LO screamed murder in her pram or car seat. She had severe reflux so was a Velcro baby too. For her first year, we survived each day. My dh had zero expectations of anything from me other than just taking care of the baby and getting through the day. He did all errands on a Saturday morning including our food shop for the week.

Some people have a happy as Larry easy baby and some don't. Doing errands was something I never did during my baby first year.

Yanbu op, you have a tiny baby. Your dh needs to pitch in and help or stop complaining.

Reading your OP, it sounds like you're making things as difficult as possible for yourself.
Your baby can be put down, are you going to be carrying them at 9/10months?
Parcels lying for weeks? you can have them collected from your home.