To stop swimming lessons as a consequence for poor behaviour at the pool?

[Swimmingtrauma]

I’m not sure if I’m over or under reacting.

DS is 3. After swimming he went into a cubicle and locked it from the inside so I couldn’t get in. He was then shaking the door so it made an awful racket (to the point the parents on either side had to shout to their children to be heard) laughing and screaming.

I have told him I’m not sure we can go back as apart from being poor behaviour it was potentially dangerous but I don’t know if that’s OTT.

There is nothing the swim teacher can do with a three year old that you can't do yourself. Pack in the lessons. Have a week off and just take him swimming yourself. When he is older and ready to listen enrol him in a proper class. As for the incident he was naughty and he was told off. End of. Don't get too stressed out by it.

If he’s an impulsive kind of kid then learning to swim is really important. My friend’s teen son is a non swimmer and she was horrified to find out he had jumped in the river on a hot day with his football team who were cooling off after training, just out of silly excitement, the other lads hadn’t known he was a non swimmer but it soon dawned on them and they had to rescue him!!

Swimming is important, would find another way to address the behaviour.

Same child once refused to get dressed after swimming and I have a famous photo of him in the carpark wearing nothing but a pair of bright yellow pants and crocs! He's 12 now and still remembers it and asks me to tell him the story because he finds it so funny!

At that age, we just went swimming and played and he learned to swim just from doing it - it was much less stressful to go with no pressure and it meant I looked forward to it rather than trying to avoid it.

Does he actually seem to like swimming? I guess he might be doing these things to show he doesn't want to go? Does he act up in other locations? I'd say he should be told off, and maybe you could threaten to withdraw swimming if he acts like that again, but give him a chance to act better next time. Some cubicles can be opened from the outside with a coin, might be worth seeing if that's the case there, just in case he does genuinely get stuck. It's a good job he knows how to lock and unlock the door. I knew a few kids who locked themselves in toilets/ bathrooms and the fire brigade had to be called! (At home not in a swimming baths..)

I'd pack the swimming lessons in just to save your sanity, rebook when he's a bit more sensible and able to take on board your warnings a bit better. BTW it gets easier, my eldest was also a terror of a toddler but by the time he was 4/5 he was an absolute delight to take anywhere. It was just a really tough few years before that!

I’d stop the lessons but not as a punishment, more that it sounds like he’s maybe not ready behaviour wise, and why put yourself through the stress? Mine started at 4 and a half and are both competent swimmers

He sounds a handful 😁 My 2.5 year old is like this, everything is a hilarious game to him and has no concept of when playing is appropriate.

You are NOT a shit parent because he slipped away from you, in a slippy environment. In fact, having a struggle with him when the floor is slippy could have ended with him or you falling and cracking your heads.

If your son is too impulsive and playful to do as you instruct at the minute, then yeah I would give it another 6 months or so until maybe he's got a bit more impulse control.

People acting like he's never going to learn to swim unless he learns RIGHT AWAY are being absurd. I only learnt to ACTUALLY swim (not just play in the water) when I was 5/6 and then I went on to swim competitively.

Personally, I am not taking my toddler to the pool until he's older because he's too giddy and impulsive right now. I've tried multiple times and it always ends up with him running around, which I think is more dangerous than him not being Michael Phelps by the age of 3... It's not like everyone has a pool in their backyard and drowning is a real life daily risk (assuming you're from the UK).

I also completely understand feeling very down when you've had a shit day with your toddler. It can really affect me too. I hope you have some enjoyable times over the weekend together and can put the swimming incident behind you 💐

I feel exactly like this basically every other day with my toddler. It feels really isolating when it seems like everyone else's kids just sit there and quietly do as they're told! I wish I knew more parents with exhuberant toddlers, I'd kill for another little terror for mine to hang out with 😂

This. It’s not entertainment, it’s making sure a child doesn’t drown if he unexpectedly falls into water.

I do think it's an overreaction, yes. Obviously there needs to be a discussion/consequence as the behaviour is unacceptable but this needs to be immediate and not last the foreseeable future.

Is there a group changing room you're able to use rather than individual cubicle to stop it happening next time?

He's only 3

Just because you don't go back now say for a few months or even years doesn't mean he won't earn to swim.

He's too you to learn to swim anyway yes perhaps some that age can but not for more than a few metres.

Mine both started lessons closer to 5 and within 10 weeks could 25metres because they were able to listen and had the coordination.

Just give it a break for now

Are your parenting instincts normally this overblown? I think a parenting course might be helpful. Or possibly some counselling?

If you’ve made up your mind not to carry on with the lessons then that’s fine, but do you have a partner? Could they not give it a try? Quite often I see parents tag teaming at swimming, one does the lesson, the other does changing and showers. Could that work? Or if not, do keep taking him yourself- don’t just avoid the pool completely for months/ years. I had one child who missed out on swimming of any sort during covid- similar age to yours now- but probably only for about 6-9 months. But when we went back, despite loving the water previously, he was absolutely terrified, literally clinging to me for the first month, and it definitely took him a decent amount of time to feel confident again. 3 is a bad time to stop doing swimming completely.

Also as others have said, being able to keep his head above water/ float on his back could literally save his life- don’t give up on getting to that stage just because you might be a bit embarrassed.

I hated going swimming with my kids when they were small. They didn’t have any swimming lessons until they were 7 and both learned quickly.

YANBU to try to keep your sanity around your DS. Stop the swimming lessons and try again when he’s less wild and won’t run off.

He was in there for 10 minutes screaming? Was it not one you can open from outside? I would have asked someone for a staff member to come and assist opening it if it was that long. 3 yr olds are a handful, but I wouldn’t stop the swimming as a consequence as he won’t remember why you’re doing it.

'Now you've got a higher chance of drowning to death because you locked yourself in a cubical & shook the door when you were 3' - said to a 10+ year old child

😂

The thing is you would not want him to drown at a later date because he had not learnt to swim, would you?

I had a DS who's behaviour in public could be horrendous, around that age. He was adopted and there were other issues, but even so it could be a real struggle for me at times.

I would choose my battles. Swimming is important, so I would keep going, but be prepared and try to stay one step ahead. Maybe thrust a bag at him so his hands are occupied and not free to lock the door.

But I did refuse to take my DS to some places due to his previous behaviour. Obviously he got upset, but it gave the opportunity to have a conversation about his behaviour and what was and was not appropriate. If he engaged in the conversation with me, then we would have a hug and we would go. But if he wouldn't engage, then I knew we were most likely in for a difficult day, so we didn't.

He is 3. Why is he even at swimming lessons? You should be questioning your own behaviour. Ridiculous.

3 is a very normal age to have swimming lessons.

OP why not try rewarding good behaviour instead of punishing for bad? Tell him if he can listen to instructions and behave nicely next time you can stop at the park on the way home or have a biscuit after etc.

3 is a really difficult age. My son is a bit of a nightmare at the moment so hope it gets better for you soon!

At 3 he is unlikely to be able to rationalise no more swimming with that one specific act. The consequences would need to be more instantaneous and short so he knows what he is receiving it for.

I don’t agree with the “he’s only 3” or “you can’t punish them for this” replies.

I took my daughter when she was 3 swimming and she loved it so much on her first lesson that she full on cried and tantrum / raged all the way from the pool to the car. Ran back into the pool fully clothed. The other mums told me things like 'she'll be a future leader' to make me feel better 🤣 (it didn't).

The next lesson she cried but got over it quickly, then discovered the lockers and hiding inside them. The lesson after she tried again but I managed to get her away from them.

Then we created a 'routine' of small things to look forward to or distract. Pool, after that we look forward to showers, after that snack on the way to car.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, they're three - we've all been there, and at this age won't remember it if you stop swim classes. But if you continue to go and instil small lessons each time you're there, maybe pop a routine in there, they will slowly learn.

YABU. He’s three years old & doesn’t understand drowning or the importance of swimming lessons, unless he’s a genius.
All the three year olds we’ve had have still been challenging at that age, quite normally.
If he’s not coping with instructions in the pool, suspend lessons ftb.
Should the changing room behaviour not improve again suspend.
Unless you leave him unattended near water, he won’t drown & there’s still plenty of time for him to learn when he develops more.

@Swimmingtrauma ignore the perfect parents and give yourself a pat on the back for not losing your shit completely.

I totally agree that this is not acceptable behaviour and could be dangerous in a swimming pool environment. I would have been bloody fuming with mine and probably had the same knee jerk reaction as you did.

However…..

swimming is a life saving skill and I wouldn’t remove it as punishment.

Try sitting back calmly (with a cuppa and a biscuit 😉) and think about what causes general bad behaviour in your child. Tiredness, hunger, bored, tired, sensory issues, anxiety, attention, over stimulation etc- the list is endless, I know. This is what you need to tackle though.

If you can catch the triggers and work with your child to get past the problem it is less likely to escalate.

If swimming is a particular issue, I would prep child with a reward and consequence before you take them in and keep reinforcing it while you are there. X will be a reward for good behaviour and Y will be removed for bad behaviour. Have a distraction in hand for when you are changing yourself. Also, ask the teacher to reinforce the importance of being “grown up” in a pool environment.

Good luck x