To stop swimming lessons as a consequence for poor behaviour at the pool?

[Swimmingtrauma]

I’m not sure if I’m over or under reacting.

DS is 3. After swimming he went into a cubicle and locked it from the inside so I couldn’t get in. He was then shaking the door so it made an awful racket (to the point the parents on either side had to shout to their children to be heard) laughing and screaming.

I have told him I’m not sure we can go back as apart from being poor behaviour it was potentially dangerous but I don’t know if that’s OTT.

He might not be ready for lessons though, so not starting lessons yet could be a good idea but not as a punishment iyswim

3 is so tiny!

What rubbish. It's not lazy parenting having the understanding that your child is not at the age to understand consequences means you are tapped into your child and prevent them from doing the actions untill the can see the consequences. My child is 16, never been in trouble, always gets good reports, always home on time, helps around the house, gets excellent grades and on track for a good college and university. So no it's not lazy parenting to be so in tune with your child.

So - I wasn’t impressed with his behaviour but I don’t think the posts having a go at me are helpful. I stopped, came in here to see what others thought and I’ve taken it on board. I didn’t shout or anything, I just calmly told him his behaviour was very dangerous and was not very nice to others trying to get changed and I was very disappointed.

To answer some further points, I was in the pool with him - that’s how he got away as we were both wet and slippery.

Hold his hand as you get out of the pool.

That’s a given, but when you’re wet and they are wet it’s very easy to slip out of that!

Anyway, the consensus seems to be that this is normal three year old behaviour. Is it actually though, I don’t see the other children behaving like that?

'Swimming lessons are a life skill'

Yup. But not a skill that the vast majority of 3 year olds are ready to learn.

Sorry for the tangent op as you haven't actually said if he's in a non-parent group lesson with other 3 year olds.

But I have a bug bear about this. It's actually bat shit. 'Don't talk to strangers' 'don't go near that water, it's dangerous'...
'Off you go darling, go with that stranger who's potentially just a teenager, getting paid a tiny amount, in to that deep water along with 7 other 3 year olds being 3 year olds and not listening. It's not dangerous at all. I'll just sit upstairs chatting to the other mums. Good luck learning this life skill.'

Yes it's normal. Yes it's slippery, I still managed to keep hold of my child's hand.

Ah, cross post, you were in the pool with him. So my tangent rant isn't relevant. Still valid though!

you haven't actually said if he's in a non-parent group lesson with other 3 year olds.

Yes, I have. Parents are in the pool.

I'll just sit upstairs chatting to the other mums. Good luck learning this life skill.'

Perhaps start a thread about your ‘bug bear’ rather than snidely have a swipe at me for something I’ve never done.

Sorry @arethereanyleftatall bad morning.

@Maxus ok. So your parenting is better, your kid is better, your hand is better and your pool is not as wet.

Crikey that's a strange response. Have a good day op.

People aren't having a go at you, but you are being very snippy with everyone who tells you the truth. No 3 year old will understand why they don't go swimming anymore. They will not make the connection between running away from mum and being daft, and not having lessons anymore. They just won't.

You do seem extremely upset by it, perhaps exaggeratedly so. Nothing would have happened to him, in the time it would have taken you to shout for help to get him out.

It's a fact that parents of very young children need eyes in the back of their head. You were both wet and slippy, but realistically how fast was he going that he got away from you, you didn't catch up with him before he got into, and locked you out of, a changing room. Seriously?

I don’t see the other children behaving like that?

That’s not a helpful way to look at it. Your 3 yr old is an individual. And he will be affected by what else he’s done that day, his home environment, his siblings, what he’s eaten. Like adults of any age likely, there’ll be loads of stuff which he’s great at but the other kids are crap at. They could be having a meltdown half an hour later whilst your 3 yr old is happily playing at home. I’d think solely about him and not the other parents and kids, or how the behaviour affected you.

Ds2 managed to shut himself in PIL shed and lock the door. I was furious- it's full of 'stuff' and he could have been hurt. He was 3 and had somehow taken the key from outside, inside and locked it. He couldn't open it again (once the novelty had worn off and he could see how cross I was getting). FIL had to do a 'Famous Five' type trick- slid a sheet of paper under the door, jiggled key with bit of wire until it fell out. Unfortunately it bounced off the paper. We talked DS2 into placing it back on the paper (me talking very calmly and firmly, like Joyce Grenfell, through the window) and FIL managed to slide it out under the door.
DS2's words as the door opened and he jumped out at us were 'Grawww! Me a monster mummy.'
I couldn't be annoyed for very long.

I’m only being snippy with people who are being snippy with me. I did apologise to @arethereanyleftatall but I do think using a thread like this as a sort of platform to sound off about something that bothers you when it isn’t applicable here is unfair.

I have agreed I’m BU, the swimming lessons will remain. Tbh, I’m feeling worn down and quite depressed today and very close to crying so any snippiness is probably upset rather than actual snippiness.

Yep fairly normal depending on the child. And it isn’t just parenting - I remember to my shame being terribly judgmental when DD was little about these things (I can count on one hand her tantrums and they were all at home). Then I had DS and that is a whole other parenting experience

you both need to learn from it but stopping going sets avery dangerous precedent

And - he literally just twisted away from me. I know it’s shit parenting but it happened and I’m sorry.

That's what my 2 did! Every time I looked away they had climbed into a locker. Pesky kids. Was always quite tempted to leave them and go for a coffee in peace.

Now you know what he might do in future it’s about mitigating the opportunity to do it again.
What can you change? Can you have a towel poolside that you immediately wrap him in so he can’t run? Can you divert his attention to having a shower? Can you give him a drink or snack to keep him occupied?

It is normal behaviour, doesn’t mean it’s common.

Personally, I believe my role as a parent is to help my children navigate these issues and show them how to resolve them. By removing him completely what do you think the message could be? Will it be what you want it to be or will he think something else? (Despite our best efforts as parents they don’t always walk away with the message we’ve tried to send.)

It's not shit parenting to have your 3 year old behave like that at all. Loads of kids behave like that. Immediate, consistent and appropriate responses are what you need. Countdown to losing a toy for the evening. Before you go in to swimming tell him if he behaves he'll get a biscuit on the way home. Something like that.

I think it's an over reaction to cancel the lessons. 3 year olds also won't associate a behaviour conducted in the past to a future punishment if that makes sense so he won't learn from it if you do.

I fully get that swimming changing rooms and lessons can be a stressful situation though and he might have found it an overwhelming environment too.

Focus on encouraging positive behaviour around the pool and swimming lessons in the hope it prevents it occurring in the first place. If it does occur then once he has unlocked the door then the consequence is associated straight away so we are going home immediately rather then having a nice snack because that wasn't good behaviour etc.

This is not good advice. You're never going to go home and leave him so he'll won't believe a word you say in future. Never make a threat you're not prepared to carry out.
OP, swimming can an absolute nightmare. I think a firm reminder should be given before getting out of the pool next time and possibly an incentive (bribe) given- you'll know what works. Obviously lots of praise when he behaves appropriately. I'm sure this phase won't last long. Good luck!

Yes, YABU. A calm, eye level explanation of why he mustn’t do that again is enough at his age.

OP it sounds really stressful. I think it would be an overreaction to stop all together though. Three year olds can be wild.
When you get to swimming remind your child of your expectations. "You hold my hand, we go into the changing room together, locking the door is mummys job ok?" Then same again when you get to the changing room. They're like goldfish, keep reminding. If it happens again stay totally calm and unbothered (even though you're massively bothered and want to scream!) "When you look yourself in, it's not safe. We won't be able to come swimming if you can't be safe."
Don't cry. Chalk it up to a shitty time and ignore the people giving you a hard time.

I’ve pretty much decided to stop the swimming, not so much as a consequence for his behaviour but more because I don’t think I can cope with him any more and so it’s best not to go to places where things like that are likely to happen (plus I have to admit I’m so embarrassed I don’t know how I’ll face the teacher or other parents!)

As others have said it’s not really teaching him to swim.