To stop swimming lessons as a consequence for poor behaviour at the pool?

[Swimmingtrauma]

I’m not sure if I’m over or under reacting.

DS is 3. After swimming he went into a cubicle and locked it from the inside so I couldn’t get in. He was then shaking the door so it made an awful racket (to the point the parents on either side had to shout to their children to be heard) laughing and screaming.

I have told him I’m not sure we can go back as apart from being poor behaviour it was potentially dangerous but I don’t know if that’s OTT.

I couldn’t be dealing with getting myself and a 3YO sorted after swimming! That’s why I delayed lessons until they were able to go in by themselves, but from memory that was aged 3 so maybe try somewhere else where you don’t have to go in? I wouldn’t stop lessons altogether though unless it was his behaviour in them that was the issue and consequently he wasn’t learning anything.

Also immediate consequences are what you need at that age- maybe have a tasty snack on hand like a little packet of sweets he can lose if he runs off, or if you are adamant on these lessons where you have to go in then could he watch something on your phone whilst you sort yourself so long as he sits nicely?!

To be honest this sounds like the straw that broke the camels back. Are you struggling elsewhere with his behaviour etc you said you're very tearful today so it sounds like you could probably do with looking into the real reason for your response?

Just not going places with him because it might be tricky isn't the solution.

None of the other parents or teacher will give a shit, they'll all have seen behaviour like that plenty times before.

That's a shame you're giving up lessons, it's not solving the problem of you struggling to manage behaviour.

OP I'm sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed but I'm going to go against the majority and say if you are feeling stressed about swimming then don't go for a while and try again in a few months. He is only three and full of energy so I wouldn't necessarily punish him but I'd put the swimming on hold for a while. You'd be shocked the difference even six months will make with his behaviour. I've a DC with additional needs (I'm not for a second suggesting your DS has any additional needs) so I do understand how some situations become overwhelming and you dread going to them so I've learned to pick my battles.

It probably is an overreaction. Just feel like whenever I try to do something nice it backfires. And I always end up being the horrible parent so he and I don’t get on. Swimming is something I’ve done with him since being a baby. He’s been horrible today and it’s got to me a bit.

Don't make any decisions while you're emotionally wrung out. Sleep on it. It's really hard looking after kids sometimes.

Thanks. I’ll probably feel better after a wallow

As I swimming teacher if he was distruptive and misbehaving in class regularly and had been sat out the side due to behaviour I'd might suggest pausing lessons until he matured but the fact it was after I wouldn't on this occassion. I would stress the importance of holding your hand on poolside and not running off.

Try to put it behind you, don’t stop the lessons.

What you could do to try and avoid it is whist holding his slippery hand, grab his attention with the promise of a snack/any other thing you can say. That might distract him enough. Or take towel to poolside, dry his and your hands so you can keep hold of him more easily.

He is only 3, he won't link the punishment with the "crime" and it wont change his behaviour.

If swimming is stressing you out it is ok to stop going and start when he is older. Ds never started lessons until he was 7/8 ish, he learnt and passed all badges in a year instead of going for years on end.

Work on his behaviour in other settings either by anticipating and distracting/diverting (so he doesn't learn misbehaving is fun) or with immediate, firm, consistent consequences that he understands the direct link.

Swimming was my absolute worst thing to do with my kids - it's loud, it's hot, everyone is wet and slippery, and it's very public.

Try not to worry, there will be other children behaving like this and worse. Both of mine locked themselves into changing cubicles more than once, and I had to do the drippy walk of shame in my swimsuit to the reception desk to get assistance. One also loved to hide in one of the long line of identical lockers. It crossed my mind that the 20p locker fee would be a small price to pay to keep him in one place for 20 minutes 😆

You can't easily juggle locker keys, towels and wet toddlers, and a more independent minded one will wander a bit/slip your hand despite best parenting efforts.

I found having a hooded towel thingy to throw over him, and my towelling robe to throw straight on me, were a great help, I used to take them onto the poolside to deploy as soon as we were out of the water.

Parenting toddlers can be hard, take some time to look after you a bit today, you sound a bit wrung out xx

Oh god my cheeky 3 year old has done this a couple of times! And it’s really hard not to laugh 🙈 when I’m stuck the other side dripping wet with all our stuff in my arms and her laughing maniacally on the other side of the door! I’d never think of cancelling swimming as we do the lessons to give her a life skill/for safety in water. You need to have consequences that are immediate, so when my Dd locked me out and eventually let me in I told her she now had ‘lost’ her right to choose the music for our drive home (her fave part of going in the car). I mean she did it again months later so my punishment didn’t stop her doing it ever again but she suffered immediate consequences!

And I think most small children do little silly things like this at times so don’t feel embarrassed - I always say when I hear a child kicking off in the changing rooms and my kids ask what’s the matter with them “You’ve done things like that many a time!” Loudly so the other parents who may be feeling ashamed of their child acting up know I get it and sympathise. We are all just doing our best. Don’t let it get to you, kids are shits at times 😂

Most of the cubicle doors have a slot like this on the outside for safety access in case there's an emergency. You can fit the edge of a coin or screwdriver in and turn it to unlock from the outside. Just take something with you to turn it from the outside and unlock it. It won't be fun anymore when he realises you can get in.

Stopping stuff isn’t the answer, accepting that yes at times people will judge you (trust me DS has taught me that) and parenting mistakes do happen and sometimes it can descend into horrible behaviour. But you love him and he loves you.

swimming at 3 is as much about the routine, getting used to the water etc so I don’t think that sounds to far off.

it’s tough so I sympathise

A little passive aggressive seeing as you asking for advice the poster is merely emphasising that yes it's an overreaction for a three year old.

And the advice is good.

Thanks. I don’t actually think I dealt with it badly in the moment. I just didn’t react at all but he was so loud a couple of parents asked him if he was OK, and where was mummy. I explained he’d locked himself in and sorry about the noise. When he eventually let himself out - and it was a good ten minutes - I just calmly took him back into the cubicle to get changed and he immediately started screaming so probably the other parents think I was horrible to him!

It sounds as though he’s done it before although not as bad so YANBU to stop the lessons due to his behaviour. It sounds stressful and not enjoyable.

Hes only 3 so maybe start his lessons again in a year (when he can go in on his own) and hopefully his behaviour will have improved. It’s more about building confidence at age 3 anyway rather than learning to swim.

Sorry posted too soon. I said something like I am really not happy with that behaviour and I will have to think carefully whether we can come back or not. So maybe an overreaction but I was calm, I wasn’t screaming at him. Then he tried to get a little girl off a chair and refused to let me put his socks and shoes on So I had to carry him out.

I would go back otherwise he will never learn how to behave appropriately. My son would do the same so now I make sure I'm holding his hand, no matter how much he complains. If he throws a wobbler then we simply go back to the car and that's the end of that. I've found this approach works and he remembers the next time we go somewhere. For a while I lived my life accepting that everything we did would be a behaviour learning opportunity. It was crap for a while, but he is so much better now.

Can you talk to the swim teachers. They could talk to him (and the other children) about how to be safe when out of the pool.
No running or messing about etc. Stay with your adult, hold their hand - that sort of thing.
You might think that you've told him that but to a lot of children what they hear from their parents is "blah blah blah" but when told exactly the same thing by another adult they miraculously hear it 😂
I remember one of the Topsy and Tim books about going swimming has Tim being told off by the lifeguard for running. Maybe see if you can get a copy to read.
Remember.....3 year olds are frequently pain in the butts. That's their thing. It's what they do.

Maybe he’s just a bit young for the swimming. My own child was, shall we say, ‘spirited‘ at 3 and I would find his behaviour very stressful at times. He just wanted to run and play and be silly and just didn’t get that certain places were not the time for that no matter how much I explained, bribed or punished. So things like swimming which would have been a huge stress for me we put off until he was a little older. I do understand OP, it can be upsetting when you feel like it’s your parenting.

My children and my nephews started lessons at age 7&8 (delayed due to covid) and they learned to swim quite quickly and it wasn’t a stress or anything as they understood much better.

Anyway, my point it don’t feel disheartened, all children play up at times and some do it more than others.

I'd give it a little while.
One of mine was wild at 3. Telling immediately what the consequence was and doing it helped. I don't think these circs lend themselves to it though. By the time you are home, he will have little grasp of "next time" and when that might be.

I think you were overreacting but tbh I'd give yourself a break and shelve swimming lessons until he's 4/5 or whatever age you don't need to go in with them at your pool. It removes 70% of the stress of swimming lessons (which are one of my least favourite parts of parenting) when you can focus on getting them changed and you're not cold, wet and dripping yourself.

At 3 why would they really want them in the first place? It is to learn to swim

Just tell him off and move on