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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel guilty at husbands arrest

84 replies

Sobaditsfunny · 02/02/2024 23:29

I feel so guilty. Long abusive relationship came to a head a few months ago. Husband was arrested and put on bail conditions. Recently he breached his bail conditions, on the face of it he was visiting his daughter at the hospital but the reality was he knew where I was, found my car and parked next to it, asked me to go for a drive (I refused) then told me he still loved me. Then we had the 'I want to die if I'm not with you', he then began to discuss the court case/crime and attempted to convince me I had made it all up and was taking it too far. He made some absurd suggestions, threatened me then I came round and drove off. I came away feeling very confused and doubting myself. I didn't report it as I thought he would say it was an emergency visit to see his child. My IDVA rang and checked in on me this week. I told her and she told me to report it. So I did. And now they're arresting him tonight but this time they think they have enough (with other evidence) to remand him in custody. He hasn't seen the children for over a month then today he has tried to arrange a visit for this weekend. He didn't know at the time of the message what was coming and now I feel overwhelmingly guilty. Aibu for having reported it or should I have left it and allowed another opportunity for child contact??

OP posts:
GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 02/02/2024 23:32

YANBU.

murasaki · 02/02/2024 23:33

You did the right thing.

InAnotherLifetimeMaybe · 02/02/2024 23:33

He wasn't getting the message was he!?

He will be now if he's in custody. A sharp shock coming his way

Fluffyfleece · 02/02/2024 23:34

It's his own fault

Blueeyedmale · 02/02/2024 23:37

You have done the right thing op you have been the victim of long term abuse.you are the victim here.he chose to break his bail conditions just like he chose to be abusive.

Please don't feel guilty it's all on him he needs to take responsibility for his actions.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2024 23:38

With any luck, he can launched into the middle of the fucking ocean.

Comtesse · 02/02/2024 23:43

It’s his own fault. He bought this on himself. No need to feel guilty, he sounds dangerous.

TempleOfBloom · 02/02/2024 23:43

YANBU.

And well done for following the advice to report him.

You know it wouldn’t stop there. Having tracked you down and then harangued, guilt tripped, emotionally blackmailed you and veiled-threatened do you think his next move would be calm, respectful and safe?

It’s not about you and your decision now, not your responsibility. The court made the bail condition. Not your decision!

The courts and professionals cannot protect you if you collude with him in breaking the law.

And why would you do that to your certain detriment?

You did absolutely the right thing.

Hankunamatata · 02/02/2024 23:43

Well he's obviously an idiot isn't he. He is on bail, even if he was visiting he could have ignored you but nope he tries to intimidate you even more

TraitorsGate · 02/02/2024 23:45

You did the right thing, he was abusive and now continues to theeaten you. Your and the children safety comes first.

PinkyFlamingo · 02/02/2024 23:45

Why are you feeling guilty? He's an abuser

Fraaahnces · 02/02/2024 23:46

I would be abusive to allow him to continue to treat you this way with your kids seeing this as normal behaviour. He was obviously expecting some kind of kickback because you drove off and didn’t dance to his tune. This will have been the only reason he has tried to want to see the kids (and further access to you.) Performance parenting for the benefit of a judge.

adriftinadenofvipers · 02/02/2024 23:48

Oh sweetheart, he has done a number on you! Do not feel guilty ONE BIT!

This is all his doing. No reflection whatsoever on you.

My heart goes out to you x

Done2much · 02/02/2024 23:50

YANBU
You did the right thing
He isn't taking his arrest seriously and needs the wakeup call he'll get now
Please prioritise yourself and your children
Good luck

Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 00:02

Thank you everyone, that has eased my late night worries! There's been so many things cropping up this week that I don't feel I can think clearly. He's really trying to play me with the finances too. He's not responded to the solicitors letters since November or attempts at reasonable maintenance then last weekend I had a flurry of payments from him which I thought was extremely odd. The day after I finally receive a letter that pointed out how much he is paying me and how dare I request maintenance. He put all these payments on his financial disclosure which was then exchanged. Literally the following day I get a call from Child Maintenance to say he's been on the phone disputing it and they've reduced the monthly payments by £300. I need to keep reminding myself of these things but somehow he's still getting to me. I'm scared I've got it all wrong and it's me. It's all a mess.

OP posts:
thebestinterest · 03/02/2024 01:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

QueenBitch666 · 03/02/2024 01:56

Aquamarine1029 · 02/02/2024 23:38

With any luck, he can launched into the middle of the fucking ocean.

This. He's an abusive skank

XFiler · 03/02/2024 01:56

Yanbu, read up on Fear Obligation Gulit op.

Evaka · 03/02/2024 02:57

Well done for being so strong. He's a psycho. I hope you have some friends or family supporting you xx

Bournetilly · 03/02/2024 05:50

You did the right thing, he deserves it.

SharonMarieSutton · 03/02/2024 06:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/02/2024 06:46

It might be reasonable not to report a chance meeting at the hospital but this wasn’t chance. This was an opportunity for him to harass and intimidate you. Witness intimidation is a serious crime. He’s clearly a massive arsehole. Prepare for having to do without any child maintenance soon if he’s remanded in custody.

GoodOldEmmaNess · 03/02/2024 07:02

Please, please don't feel guilty. It was right to report it. He has caused you to doubt yourself about everything, but his behaviour was intimidating, harassing and a breach of his bail conditions. He won't see that, but that is his problem - and the police's problem. You have a right to live your life without being harassed by him. xxx

Inefficient · 03/02/2024 07:07

Well done OP. It is so important you keep yourself and the children safe.

You have done the right thing. You are recovering from the abuse. Trying to let go of the irrational guilt is part of it.

You are amazing for reporting it 👏👏👏

MorningSunshineSparkles · 03/02/2024 07:10

He’s done a right number on you, you’re feeling exactly how he wants. Except you’re strong, you’re not under his control. You’re one of the bravest women on this planet and you’re doing exactly the right thing. Keep fighting back, keep telling yourself you’re right, keep telling yourself that his behaviour isn’t normal. You’re going to get through it Flowers