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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel guilty at husbands arrest

84 replies

Sobaditsfunny · 02/02/2024 23:29

I feel so guilty. Long abusive relationship came to a head a few months ago. Husband was arrested and put on bail conditions. Recently he breached his bail conditions, on the face of it he was visiting his daughter at the hospital but the reality was he knew where I was, found my car and parked next to it, asked me to go for a drive (I refused) then told me he still loved me. Then we had the 'I want to die if I'm not with you', he then began to discuss the court case/crime and attempted to convince me I had made it all up and was taking it too far. He made some absurd suggestions, threatened me then I came round and drove off. I came away feeling very confused and doubting myself. I didn't report it as I thought he would say it was an emergency visit to see his child. My IDVA rang and checked in on me this week. I told her and she told me to report it. So I did. And now they're arresting him tonight but this time they think they have enough (with other evidence) to remand him in custody. He hasn't seen the children for over a month then today he has tried to arrange a visit for this weekend. He didn't know at the time of the message what was coming and now I feel overwhelmingly guilty. Aibu for having reported it or should I have left it and allowed another opportunity for child contact??

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 03/02/2024 10:46

YANBU

This is classic abuse, he’s losing control and doesn’t like it so he’s gaslighting you to reel you in so that he has control over you.

Tell the police about this.

Newsenmum · 03/02/2024 10:54

You did absolutely the right thing. If you hadn’t reported then he would have gone even further next time. He’s very toxic and im so sorry you’re going through this.

TraitorsGate · 03/02/2024 11:09

Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 08:42

Well he clearly wasn't arrested last night as he's just sent a threatening response to insist he has all the children tomorrow at 10am and if I say no he will inform his lawyer and start legal proceedings against me. This is after more than a month of not seeing/asking about them. He's not seen the toddler for 3 months. The police said they were waiting for him to come back into this region before arresting him as they didn't want another force to do it. They expected it to be about 9pm last night but he's just sent that message now. I can't risk it as he will use it to try and manipulate them into travelling with him and he may get arrested whilst they're all with him. Any suggestions of how I should respond??

If he is threatening you and claims he is coming round tomorrow at 10am can the police be there at the same time. Is there someone who can be with you when you take them out today and also tomorrow, if he turns up could you record a video.

Dibbydoos · 03/02/2024 11:14

You did the right thing. He has you in the mindset that it's your fault hence why you feel guilt, but it is ALL his doing.

He's abusive, coercive (likely a narcissit) and stalking you, honestly that won't end well for you.

I'd suggest moving and going, as best as you can, off grid (eg nothing on public registers) prior to is release. To do this you need to prevent access to the kids.

Good luck with things.

TraitorsGate · 03/02/2024 11:17

I'm no expert but isn't it up to the Courts to help with this, if he is breaking his conditions and threatening you can't they intervene, stop him taking the children out the country, keeping their passports safe.

NotMyFinestMoment · 03/02/2024 12:08

You did the right thing as by the sounds of it he has a screw loose.

You have no idea what could happen the next time he sees you. His comments of 'I want to die if I'm not with you', may turn in to 'if I can't have you, then no one will', then God forbid he decides to acts on it...

greenapple123 · 03/02/2024 12:25

Well done on reporting it. You did the right thing.

the 'I want to die if I'm not with you' has me worried for you. I hope you get a restraining order against him.

TheBayLady · 03/02/2024 12:30

You are not in the wrong here, he is and he is still abusing you and trying to manipulate you. Stay strong.

BigDogEnergy · 03/02/2024 12:32

Apologies if I missed it, but how did he know you were at the hospital?

couiza · 03/02/2024 12:57

Taking the children abroad would frighten me a lot. Sorry OP, I am sure you are thinking the same thing. Is it to a country under the Hague Convention? Maybe he will be jailed before he has planned to travel. OMG what an awful situation to be in. But you are rocking it. Stay calm and focused and as others have said do the grey rock.

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 03/02/2024 13:29

@Sobaditsfunny You've done the right thing having him arrested and charged so don't feel guilty your soon to be ex brought all this on himself, no one held a gun to his head and forced him to abuse you. He's manipulating and using the legal system to his advantage he feels no guilt for what he's done to you and still putting you through don't waste guilt on him he won't ever change his ways its all about him getting control of you and your kids are just pawns to him to get at you.

Based on your replies I'm not surprised by the lack of response from the police not arresting him for breaching his bail conditions, they're utterly useless when it comes to domestic violence and I'm speaking from personal experience, my father was arrested held in custardy for 24 hours then turfed out back home to my mum, me and my siblings where he carried on being abusive. They did nothing to stop him but would come out to my mum's house when he reported her lying to the police that she was neglecting us.

Stop engaging with him only communicate through your solictors, even when he sends messages through a third party don't engage. Also do not let him take your children abroard because he likely won't bring them back and as the police said they can't do nothing until four weeks later, you'll end up in a legal battle with his country's laws that can take years. Refuse point blank to allow them to go you also have parental rights too start flexing them, if he can prevent you going on holiday you can also prevent him taking them to his country.

RandomMess · 03/02/2024 13:44

Refuse the contact he can take it court and you can request supervised contact.

Please ensure he isn't able to take the DC abroad. Is it a country signed up to The Hague Convention agreement?

2boyzNosleep · 03/02/2024 14:10

Have you had any involvement with social care? I'm just wondering if you would consider self-referring as they may be able to also put things in place to protect your children? Such as supervised contact, etc? They might be more help than the police in getting things actioned

blackpanth · 03/02/2024 14:18

YANBU

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 03/02/2024 14:23

It is 100% his fault that he's getting arrested. It was completely avoidable. All he had to do was leave you alone.

unsync · 03/02/2024 17:09

You are not responsible for his actions, he is. You are responsible for your own and your children's safety and wellbeing. You have absolutely done the right thing. Stay strong.

Original poster
Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 17:46

@TraitorsGate he doesn't actually state how or where the children will be dropped. He's not allowed within 200m of the property. On Monday I assume I'll get the full letter of his child arrangement proposals. I have the children's passports safe though they do have dual nationality so I'm not sure if he's able to get a passport for them without my permission.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 17:48

@2boyzNosleep nope, when they first arrested him and did a marac they said social services will do an assessment and I never heard from them again. That was over 3 months ago. My IDVA is good though so if I wanted involvement I'm sure she'd help to arrange it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 17:52

@BigDogEnergy the third party informed him that one of them was very poorly and had been taken to hospital. I didn't want the fall out for not informing him. He never responded to the message though and just turned up, drove around the huge car park and found my car.

OP posts:
TraitorsGate · 03/02/2024 17:53

If he can't come within 200m then he cannot pick up the dc from the house, stop engaging if you can, all communication now only through solicitors or court, not the third party anymore unless they are acting in a professional capacity.

TraitorsGate · 03/02/2024 17:56

Who is the third party. With the hospital then the staff or social worker can contact him.

Original poster
Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 17:57

@Pumpkinpie1 you mean for forwarding the messages? I don't really know tbh. It's my mum, she's the agreed person that child contact should be arranged through.

OP posts:
SingleMum11 · 03/02/2024 17:57

If it helps in your thinking, youv’e protected your child by doing this. It really does pay to err on the side of caution with kids. If you’d let this go, which was him testing those boundaries, further boundaries could have been breached with your child ultimately paying a price.

It must be hard, but think of yourself as your child’s protector. The legal system can put in place what they think protects your child, and it’s your job to report anything to them so that they have all the information at their disposal.

You did not cause this legal action, you were merely doing the right thing by passing on information to those that did decide this action.

Throckmorton · 03/02/2024 18:08

Can you apply for passports for the children in their other nationality so that you then hold all the passports, and he can't apply for any?

couiza · 03/02/2024 18:16

I'd imagine that the signatures of both parents would be required for a minor's passport. Hopefully that's the case in the foreign country anyway.

OP I'm heartened to see that you have support from various sources. Is your mum fully on board with your situation, I presume she is.

You haven't said yet if the foreign country is a signatory to the Hague Convention. Have a look and see if you don't know already. It is a safeguard as you probably know.

Bless your strength. I can see you are aware of many angles to this. Good luck.