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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty at husbands arrest

84 replies

Sobaditsfunny · 02/02/2024 23:29

I feel so guilty. Long abusive relationship came to a head a few months ago. Husband was arrested and put on bail conditions. Recently he breached his bail conditions, on the face of it he was visiting his daughter at the hospital but the reality was he knew where I was, found my car and parked next to it, asked me to go for a drive (I refused) then told me he still loved me. Then we had the 'I want to die if I'm not with you', he then began to discuss the court case/crime and attempted to convince me I had made it all up and was taking it too far. He made some absurd suggestions, threatened me then I came round and drove off. I came away feeling very confused and doubting myself. I didn't report it as I thought he would say it was an emergency visit to see his child. My IDVA rang and checked in on me this week. I told her and she told me to report it. So I did. And now they're arresting him tonight but this time they think they have enough (with other evidence) to remand him in custody. He hasn't seen the children for over a month then today he has tried to arrange a visit for this weekend. He didn't know at the time of the message what was coming and now I feel overwhelmingly guilty. Aibu for having reported it or should I have left it and allowed another opportunity for child contact??

OP posts:

Greatscottshesgotit · 03/02/2024 07:14

It’s understandable that you feel guilty and confused, you’ve had years of abuse, it’s wrecked your ability to see and think straight.

but OP, he’s dangerous. Men like this kill women like you. And they kill child with women like you too.

It’s fine to have feelings of guilt, I think it’s probably really normal but you must not let those temporary feelings have any impact on the things you DO. You must continue to stick to the guidance and advice given by the courts, your solicitor, women’s aid etc. report all breeches, don’t engage with him.

You wont feel guilty forever, it’s a temporary response to years of trauma.

Look at it this way, it’s you or him. Choose you, choose your kids.

ACynicalDad · 03/02/2024 07:17

He’s not being arrested because you called the police he’s being arrested because his actions are illegal. YANBU.

sorrynotathome · 03/02/2024 07:22

If you're wobbling like this now it doesn't bode well for the court case. Does your lawyer know? Your husband's barrister could easily tie you up in knots.

Isanyoneawake44 · 03/02/2024 07:26

I'm going through this at the moment just the one arrest no bail breached and I've felt guilty at times which my IDVA says happens.

For you, he's clearly just not getting it, please don't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong. Be kind to yourself, it's so hard.

BeardieWeirdie · 03/02/2024 07:34

Stay strong. If you waiver and don’t report, it would be used against you.
“She’s not afraid of me, we had a nice chat at the car park!”

In order to maintain custody of your children, you need to continuously demonstrate that you are putting your/your children’s safety first, and not a relationship at all costs.

Original poster

Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 07:43

Thank you everyone. I read up on FOG and it pretty much describes the past 15 years. Its so hard to break away from the feeling of fear of how he's he going to retaliate, obligation to keep him happy and guilt of how I could report him as the mother of his children. But I'm not going to lie, these past few months of no contact have changed my life. We can all finally breathe. (Until he thinks up something new)

The police told me earlier this week he's been granted permission to travel to visit his sick mum abroad (he's not from the UK) and that he plans to take the children. This is because I've applied for a lives with order which will allow me to take the children abroad without his permission. He's refused consent to let me take them on a pre booked Family Holiday so I'll have to cancel it/lose all the money. I've not broke it to the kids yet.

My solicitor has now applied for a prohibited steps order to stop him taking the kids-the police said they won't class it as abduction until after 4 weeks as he has parental responsibility.

Feel like I'm watching someone else live this life from afar, feel totally indifferent to it all. Apart from the guilt 😔

OP posts:

Original poster

Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 07:48

@sorrynotathome my rational brain can see all the facts in the light of day. There's just this one part that can't pull away from the 15 years worth of habits I guess. Each blow feels like someone's hitting me over the head with a hammer. That's what it's been this week.

OP posts:

Dweetfidilove · 03/02/2024 07:54

You did the right thing. He brought this on himself.

Blogswife · 03/02/2024 07:57

YANBU , the bail conditions are put into place by the court to protect you & your family . Courts don’t / can’t apply them unless they think there is a high chance that your DH will try to contact and intimidate you
If you allow him to break them you are complicit and putting yourself & your family in danger . If you allow him to , he will keep pushing the boundaries until you crack.
Stay strong

sorrynotathome · 03/02/2024 07:57

Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 07:48

I wasn't aiming to be mean - just practical. If you know you're likely to crumble (and I think this is not uncommon) you need to have strategies/plans in place.

WaltzingWaters · 03/02/2024 07:57

You have done the right thing.

It is his fault. Not yours.

The way you’re feeling - that’s exactly his plan, to try making you feel doubt and question yourself. But you are stronger than that. Keep yourself and your children safe by making sure he stays away. You got this.

Original poster

Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 08:42

Well he clearly wasn't arrested last night as he's just sent a threatening response to insist he has all the children tomorrow at 10am and if I say no he will inform his lawyer and start legal proceedings against me. This is after more than a month of not seeing/asking about them. He's not seen the toddler for 3 months. The police said they were waiting for him to come back into this region before arresting him as they didn't want another force to do it. They expected it to be about 9pm last night but he's just sent that message now. I can't risk it as he will use it to try and manipulate them into travelling with him and he may get arrested whilst they're all with him. Any suggestions of how I should respond??

OP posts:

SodapopCurtis · 03/02/2024 08:48

Contact the police and ask how they would like you to respond. Tell them you are taking the children out for the day - then head for a new library, one the children have never been to, the playground near it and out to a new cafe for lunch. Or picnic at a new shopping centre.
There is no urgency for you to respond to him.
If you wish to, say the children are not available today and you await his solicitors letter regarding contact.

ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing · 03/02/2024 08:49

Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 08:42

Is this not another breach of his bail conditions? They must cover direct/indirect contact? You don’t have any obligation to respond.

MotherofChaosandDestruction · 03/02/2024 08:50

I get the guilt, I really do but this is how these abusive men behave. All nice when they want their way but he broke his bail conditions didn't he? Not you. You did the right thing.

BCBird · 03/02/2024 08:51

Sending but best wishes. You did the right thing

Original poster

Sobaditsfunny · 03/02/2024 09:00

@ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing he is contacting through a third party who has forwarded it to me. Though it is supposed to be only to arrange contact and not used to send threats. I have asked her to respond to say I'm going to wait to hear from the solicitors formally regarding child contact and its not in their best interests to have this sprung upon them after so long of having no contact. I will take the children out and try keep us distracted for the day tomorrow. The inspector in charge is not back in until Monday so I'll have to wait until then I guess.

OP posts:

ItWorriesMeThisKindofThing · 03/02/2024 09:13

Ah, I see- that’s a good response and don’t feel the need to get dragged jnto anything else. I hope you can find enough distractions for the weekend - waiting for something to happen is tough x

Pumpkinpie1 · 03/02/2024 09:36

Is the third party perverting the course of justice?
I think he sounds a dangerous manipulative man

Grrrpredictivetex · 03/02/2024 09:56

Sounds a horrible situation. Good luck.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/02/2024 10:02

When you say you will take the children out, please do make sure that you have at least one other adult with you. If your ex-husband sees you there could well be trouble.

To be honest I think he is a massive flight risk and I think he would try to take the children with him. I think you should mention that to the police.

Daleksatemyshed · 03/02/2024 10:07

He abused you for years @Sobaditsfunny and saw nothing wrong with that, even now he's been arrested he thinks he can talk you around, he'll make you feel guilty, you'll drop the charges, then he can come home and get on with making you pay. I don't think you'll let that happen, I really, really hope not.
It's clear he wants revenge if you stay away, if he takes your DC abroad he'll probably punish you by refusing to return them. In your place I'd get every legal order I could so that he can't take the DC abroad and can only see them in supervised contact. Ask the Police for advice and hopefully you can get legal aid with any costs. Please protect yourself and your DC, you can't afford the luxury of believing he's not a bad man

Abhannmor · 03/02/2024 10:20

You are not at all unreasonable. He sounds a bit unstable and obsessive tbh.

I'm a bloke btw.

OhamIreally · 03/02/2024 10:33

Just thinking OP the law on child abduction works both ways - he has refused permission for you to take the children on holiday and by the same token you can refuse permission for him to take them out of the country. Or does he think it only works one way? I don't understand why the police didn't ask if you consent to his taking the children.

I think it's possible to let UK Borders know in advance.

I also think you might be able to get a one off permission from the court for your holiday. The courts are surely used to abusive men spitefully trying to control their exes by withholding permission to travel and a Jet2 holiday to Tenerife for example wouldn't be seen as an abduction risk.

GabriellaMontez · 03/02/2024 10:34

Good response. Try and and have a good day.

He's sounds like an absolute shit. The stunt in the hospital car park is terrifying.

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