To put my 3 year old back in nappies after a full year of potty training

[NameChange9490]

I’m at the end of my tether with potty training. DS is 3 years 4 months and bright, articulate, very verbal. We started potty training at the start of March 2023, 11 months ago. A little on the early side maybe, but I was heavily pregnant at the time and wanted to get it out of the way before the baby came (hahahaha 🙄).

After a promising first few days, I can honestly say we’re still at the point we were maybe 3-4 days in. Poos are 80% of the time in the toilet, initiated by him. Wees he never, ever initiates. Ever. We take him to the toilet every 1-2 hours and he also wees in his pants 2-3 times a day.

We have tried everything. We started with the oh crap method (no rewards) but have tried rewards, praise, and tbh even getting quite cross with him in desperation. I feel like it’s honestly starting to ruin my relationship with him because I feel so, so frustrated by the frequency of the accidents. He doesn’t care about having wet pants, he won’t tell us if he’s had an accident, just waits for us to notice.

The HV was no help - said it was normal and to just carry on with what we’re doing. Made me feel like an idiot for worrying.

What do I do? Is it too late and is he too old to go back into nappies? And then what do I do after that?

I wouldn't go back to nappies although I can understand why you would want to!
I would make an appointment with the GP to rule out anything abnormal and assuming he gets the all clear I would do the following:
Make sure he drinks plenty, don't be tempted to cut down on drinks, it doesn't work!
Go back to basics, right back to the start. I remember sitting mine on the potty every 30 mins at the beginning then giving them massive praise for every wee!
Make sure he has a mattress cover on the bed, buy a few so you always have one handy, don't worry about being dry over night, focus on the day time.
Last but not least, try not to stress about it....he will get it eventually.
Good luck.

It’s not helpful but this is the impact of starting before they’re ready. You need to stick with it I’m afraid.

Have you tried him not wearing pants? Pants can often feel like wearing a nappy which doesn't help with potty training.

If he's weeing his pants 2-3 times a day, he's not ready. Honestly I would have put him into pull ups after 4-6months of that.

Put him in pull ups, keep taking him to the potty/asking etc, but take the pressure off him (and you)

Give it a month or two and try again.

Is he in nursery/childcare at all? Seeing other children use the potty?

I’d go back to the oh crap method and follow it religiously. Do not put pants of any kind on him until he has made progress. Pants simulate the feeling of a nappy too much and the muscle memory of being able to just let a pee go will work against him.

Don’t put him on the potty/toilet every 30 mins (of whatever) amount of time because it diminishes their ability to feel what ‘needing to go’ feels like.

Put him back in pull ups for now. He's clearly still not ready. Leave it a few months and try again.

I'd go back to pull ups, yeah. He doesn't sound like there's even a small improvement over time and I can't see the value of it especially if it's stressing you out. Maybe try again at Easter.

Have you tried making it a real hassle for him to have an accident, play stops, he had to change his clothes himself, he gas to put his wet clothes in the laundry himself. Make it more disruptive to him to sort out an accident so he's more inclined to take the easy option and use the toilet.

I wouldn't go back to nappies now, but get the Oh Crap book out again and start from day one. Start as if you've just taken him out of nappies.

Out of interest, why have you persevered for so long?

What’s his view? Do you think he knows what he is doing when he wets himself but just doesn’t care/want to stop what he is doing…or is there literally no understanding of wee on toilet? How would he feel about being back in nappies?

Edited to add: how has he been since baby has arrived? Desperate to be babied himself?

Why have you put him through this for so long? Wasn't it obvious he wasn't ready when nothing improved after a few weeks? Now you're getting angry at him for something he's not developmentally able or ready to do.

Put him in pull ups and take all pressure off him. Wait until he's ready, which might take longer now after the stress of the last year.

I agree with your health visitor! For some kids it just takes ages I think, regardless of when you start the process. He'll get there in the end!

Ps can you make the toilet more fun? Like, special songs you only sing when he wees in the toilet, a special book he only gets when sitting on the toilet...that kind of thing

Unfortunately with some children it does take ages no matter when you start. I know people on here always say my child was toilet trained within a few days, but they are the lucky ones.
I would check with GP there are no physical issues like an infection. But if not he is developmentally ready. Being able to poo on the potty is developmentally further along then being able to wee.
I agree you need to figure out why. If he just does not care then I agree about stopping play and making him help to clean up.

I'm astounded that you have persevered with this situation for nearly a year! Surely you realised he wasn't ready after a week or so? Unfortunately now he's had nearly a year of peeing in his pants that this is normal to him and I think you're going to find it tricky to get out of this situation.
Ditch the pants and go to pull ups for a month or two and then have another go.

Sounds like a friend's experience. She started training just before having her second and had years of issues.

I'd go back to pull-ups, but have a potty or two available. Baby him wrt nappy changes, but also talk about how he big boys use potties and how his younger sibling will be amazed when he does.

My.dd almost got it at 3.4 but was then ill, had an accident on the sofa that really upset her and went back into nappies for a couple of months. She got there in the end.

Could it be his way of expressing emotions about the new baby? It’s a big adjustment, they aren’t always able to articulate their feelings into words and so they find other ways communicate.

I don’t blame you for persevering and I’m not sure if I agree with PP’s that he’s not ready. It’s western culture to keep our babies in nappies until the are toddlers. Other countries potty train from months old, which suggest it is a skill they are more than capable of learning at any age.

I’d reread Oh Crap and perhaps post your dilemma on their blog. I can only imagine returning him to nappies will cause him even more confusion.

Lots to answer so I’m going to try and answer as many questions as I can.

He still wears a nappy overnight and in the morning it’s sodden. I haven’t even begun to think about overnight.

We’ve gone back to bare on the bottom aka back to the start of oh crap when at home for a while now. He will hold it until he’s clearly in physical pain but will never, ever initiate or even admit he needs the toilet. He’ll carry on like this until we make him go to the toilet (always with some resistance and insistence he doesn’t need it). However I can’t put my life on hold for weeks or months on end and stay home, so inevitably he has to wear clothes a lot of the time.

He goes to nursery 4 days per week, all of his friends are potty trained. Same as at home - he goes when all the other children go and he also usually has 1-3 accidents while he’s there.

He showed all the classic signs of readiness I read about before we started. I thought he was ready.

I probably persevered because about 8 weeks in I had a new baby. At this point it didn’t seem too bad - he was only a couple of months in, only 2.5 years old and having about 1 accident a day. Then the baby came along and had some health problems and we just sort of carried on what we’d been doing. It’s only recently I’ve come out of that newborn fog of exhaustion and realised oh wow it’s been nearly a year. Yes things have probably got a bit worse since the baby came along and he’s definitely taken it quite negatively and regressed in lots of areas. Lots of acting like a baby. I’m know it’s all linked but I don’t really know what to do about it. I already do all the things you’re supposed to do - make sure I get as much 1:1 time with him as I can, give him lots of time and attention. To be honest it’s the baby I feel sorry for because he’s really easy going and gets ignored a lot of the time comparatively.

I make him undress himself/clear up etc. and he doesn’t care at all.

I would not put him back in nappies no no no

Have you tried reading Sarah Ockwell Smith's Gentle Potty Training book? I read this one AND oh crap and although they align in their views in a lot of areas, I found Sarah's book much better and Oh crap quite intense. As much as like Jamie Glowacki she has very strong opinions that I don't think are always quite right.

One thing that really stands out to me about what you've said is that you take him to the toilet every 1-2 hours, sounds like your over reminding (no judgement I am massively guilty of this) and he's not listening to his body HIMSELF he's waiting for you to tell him.

Do you feel like taking him to the toilet is turning into a battle?

Honestly just reading through some of the comments and want to again say I really recommend Sarah's book, is so reassuring. I really don't agree about putting him back in nappies as some other posters are saying, I think you've done the right thing persevering.

@RedRobyn2021 I’ve tried not prompting him (for weeks at a time) and if he’s in clothes he just wets himself over and over again, approx every 1.5-2 hours. If naked he will hold it in until he’s in physical pain and will eventually wet himself after around 4-5 hours. He will never admit he needs a wee or spontaneously take himself to the toilet.

Sometimes it’s a battle to get him on the toilet, sometimes he’ll go happily when we take him.

I do think it’s quite normal for them to hold until they are bursting. My kids never had accidents but they need to be reminded to go, it’s rare that they stop what they are doing and go themselves without being reminded, even if it’s the daily routine rather than me that’s reminding them. I think your expectations around this have been a little too high. I definitely wouldn’t go back to nappies.

He’s unlikely to accept going back to nappies now. You will just have to stick with it.

A tip for your next child, so you don’t get in this situation again, when they are ready and you are starting out at home, they actually rarely have accidents at all. None of mine had more than one or two accidents in the first week when we would just quietly potter around at home. They would have a few in the next fortnight or so at nursery but after that it would be completely fine. It’s very clear, very quickly, when a child is ready versus when a parent or caregiver wants a child to be ready.

I would try to "up" the reward for incentive. I changed from a sticker and chocolate button to a toy car, and there was an immediate difference (2.5 yo)

I think you're dead on. I'd like to add that the child is probably dealing with a lot of anxiety around toileting/nappies/expectations etc.

@NameChange9490 Try to take a step back and catch your breath. Be gentle and encouraging with dc. Be aware of other emotional needs your dc has. I've got a nb and have had to forgo potty training with my toddler as I just can't manage it all. Instead, I'm focusing on asking dc if diaper change is needed and I'm frequently checking it. DC jas started to insist on diaper change, so is recognizing elimination and discomfort with wet/soiled diapers. I show the diaper at changing and say "thank you for telling mummy you had a pee/poo diaper. look, you were right, it's pee/poo. Well done." If dc doesn't tell me and I discover it I say, "It's ok to tell mummy you need a diaper change. Mummy likes to help you."
It's low stress and working.