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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put my 3 year old back in nappies after a full year of potty training

93 replies

NameChange9490 · 31/01/2024 18:46

I’m at the end of my tether with potty training. DS is 3 years 4 months and bright, articulate, very verbal. We started potty training at the start of March 2023, 11 months ago. A little on the early side maybe, but I was heavily pregnant at the time and wanted to get it out of the way before the baby came (hahahaha 🙄).

After a promising first few days, I can honestly say we’re still at the point we were maybe 3-4 days in. Poos are 80% of the time in the toilet, initiated by him. Wees he never, ever initiates. Ever. We take him to the toilet every 1-2 hours and he also wees in his pants 2-3 times a day.

We have tried everything. We started with the oh crap method (no rewards) but have tried rewards, praise, and tbh even getting quite cross with him in desperation. I feel like it’s honestly starting to ruin my relationship with him because I feel so, so frustrated by the frequency of the accidents. He doesn’t care about having wet pants, he won’t tell us if he’s had an accident, just waits for us to notice.

The HV was no help - said it was normal and to just carry on with what we’re doing. Made me feel like an idiot for worrying.

What do I do? Is it too late and is he too old to go back into nappies? And then what do I do after that?

OP posts:

K37529 · 31/01/2024 21:48

I would put him in pull ups, he's not ready. I had this same problem with my eldest, started trying when she was 2 for about 6 months. It was so frustrating because she was so smart I knew she could do it if she wanted to. I gave up and put her back in nappies and left it a few months. She was fully potty trained a few months after her 3rd birthday, it took two weeks in total and that was night time too.

swooshes · 31/01/2024 21:54

What I did in this situation with my DS was to say right, you're a big boy now, you are in charge of making your wees go in the potty/toilet. Mummy and Daddy aren't going to ask you anymore. If you get wet you are in charge of changing your clothes. (There would be dry clothes ready in the bedroom, several sets of pants and trousers ready on the bed). I did not nag or remind him, not once, I bit my tongue and let him get on with it. The only thing I insisted on was he changed his own clothes when wet. That was non negotiable and I explained he would get sore and smelly otherwise.
It had definitely become a battle of wills, he was extremely stubborn and strong willed. I had to stick to this religiously for a few weeks and in the end he just clicked that he was in control of his own toileting. It was not easy and I did question my approach at times but thankfully after a year of trying, it worked.
Good luck OP

Scattery · 31/01/2024 21:57

If he is stubborn, plus feeling some competition around your younger one, it might be easier to go back to pull-ups. Make it entirely his choice as to whether he goes to the toilet... BUT... keep stressing that he can choose to be a big boy.

And then, where do big boys get to go? Legoland? Local theme park? Ride a special train? It's got to be something decent, something he'll very much want to do. Keep it entirely 100% positive and say things like "yes, absolutely we can go there when you choose to be a big boy! Big boys get to go on big rides/pet the llamas/ride the steam train/[insert cool thing here]"

Always upbeat, never ever judging, never pushing. Just "When you decide to use the toilet for all your wees and poos, this is where big boys get to go"

For me, I used nursery to help train my boy. He was an early talker, v articulate, but also incredibly stubborn. Didn't train until just nearly 3. But the main thing that helped was we always walked past the nursery he was due to go to when he got his free hours - and I'd say "look! That's where big boys and girls get to go, once they choose not to use nappies"

God knows what I would have done if he hadn't been out of nappies when he was due to start but it worked well for us and I don't think he would have cared about little rewards like stickers or cars at all. Wishing you good luck! It's like they always told me before having kids - you can control most things, but NEVER their BLADDERS or their STOMACHS.

Conniethecatapillar · 31/01/2024 21:57

Isn't it just down to the child in question? My eldest was trained at 2.5 in a few days and had no trouble but my youngest is nearly 3 and is not getting it at all! I can't see what I did differently the first time either.

Rosiiee · 31/01/2024 21:59

God OP! How stressful for you. Just put him back in nappies. Someone in DS’s class didn’t learn to use the potty until he was 4. Put nappies back on and wait until summer to try again.

herbygarden · 31/01/2024 22:00

I would recommend bribery. Worked for my eldest - there was a toy he really wanted - we printed a picture of it and made a chart to go on the fridge - he had to do 7 days no accidents then he could buy the toy. Worked straight away! Some people may disagree with bribery but it definitely focused his mind!

Birdh0use · 31/01/2024 22:02

Back in nappies. He will want to use the loo at some point

Kids just like to prove they CAN use the loo then lose interest. Do what works for you!

Birdh0use · 31/01/2024 22:02

Also recommend chocolate buttons if you want to bribe him into potty training

Boomboom22 · 31/01/2024 22:09

I think its only meant to take a week or two if they are truly ready. It is just causing more problems if its a hassle.
Boys often aren't ready until 3.5, lots of girls are ready at 2.5 so it feels late but isn't.

I'd just let him choose entirely, take off all the pressure. Make sure he can get up on the toilet as bigger boys find potties threatening for some reason I find. Leave out nappy pants and normal pants. Remind him the nappy pants can be pulled down and up if he needs a wee.

asrarpolar · 31/01/2024 22:16

@Boomboom22 no that is what people say who have an easy time toilet training. It is like people who say breast feeding is easy - it is for some, but not others.

0001010001a2 · 31/01/2024 22:20

I waited until my son was 3y 5m to train as I knew he wasn't ready. We tried once when he was just three but packed it in as he wasn't getting it, so tried again a few months later when I felt sure he was ready and he got it within a day. He is super stubborn so I feel sure if I'd forced it at the first attempt we'd still be struggling now.

Every mum I know told me 'don't bother until he's ready'... turned out to be good advice for us.....

You feel the pressure to have them out of nappies by a certain age but every child is so different

Flyhigher · 31/01/2024 22:24

Maybe don't give him as much attention
He's getting much more attention by being difficult.
Every time he has an accident maybe

He does have control.

He's doing this to exert control. It's a game.
He thinks it's fun.

Littlemisscapable · 31/01/2024 22:27

Viewfrommyhouse · 31/01/2024 19:17

Put him back in pull ups for now. He's clearly still not ready. Leave it a few months and try again.

This. Honestly you are going round in circles. Wait until he is more ready he is still young. When you start again go for it 100% with no pull ups etc.

Flyhigher · 31/01/2024 22:30

He was ready.
Just doesn't want to.
My DD held her poo in for a year.
She was constipated once then decided she'd do that.
Interesting he doesnt do it naked.
He doesn't like the toilet clearly.
Does he like Spider-Man or superman?
Can you incentivise him with a Spider-Man film or trip? Tell him Spider-Man doesn't wet himself because it would ruin his web or something?

My daughter got out of nappies cos I gave her Disney knickers. She asked if she could wear them over nappies. I said Belle doesn't wear nappies. That was it.

Maybe a superhero to emulate?

minipie · 31/01/2024 22:33

The fact he wets himself in clothes but holds it for hours on end when naked suggests to me he does have control over it

I wonder if he prefers the feeling of weeing into something. Maybe try lining the potty/loo with a nappy or a washable
cloth or something and see if it makes a difference?

Obviously eventually you’d need to take it away but could be useful as a first step.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 31/01/2024 22:35

My DS was a bit similar. It was that he didn't care. A sticker chart actually solved it in the end. One sticker for poo on the toilet. One sticker for a day without accidents. He got to choose a family outing when the sticker chart was full.

ThatMrsM · 31/01/2024 22:54

I'm sorry you're going through this, potty training is hard! My son was potty trained when he was 3.5. We found that letting him make some decisions helped...like choosing which pants, toilet seat to buy. Also lots of treats! We waited until he was really ready, previous attempts when we thought he was ready were just really stressful for us all. I understand your frustrations, but he'll get there in the end.

lifehappens12 · 31/01/2024 23:01

Hi, no direct solutions but I waited till my son was 3 and a half to start. So posting this to try and help ease some of the mental time pressure. We did the opposite where I had a new baby when he was 2yr and 9 months and as he hadn't shown any signs there was no way I was potty training and coping with new baby.

My target was that he was toilet trained a good year before school.

In the end when we started later - I could reason with him and he had bladder control.

Do you think now is more psychological and it's turned into mind battle?

From the oh crap book we did try to normalise toilet stuff by showing him we all do it.

How can it be more fun?

Also reward chart massively worked with my son - not the treat so much but putting a sticker on for each wee done.

MandaLynn · 01/02/2024 07:54

Honestly put him in pull-ups and wait a few months.

Yes he might be ready physically, but he's obviously not psychologically. Most at our nursery trained around 3-3.5yr so it's absolutely normal.

You're putting way more pressure on him and yourself than necessary

Original poster

NameChange9490 · 01/02/2024 18:49

Thanks to everyone for all of the different perspectives. Today I put him in a pull up, mostly because posting this made me realise how much anxiety I had built up around it all, which isn’t healthy for either of us. However I also told him he could have a chocolate button if he told us he needed a wee and did it on the potty/toilet. Of course he’s been for about 10 wees today… BUT the pull up is dry at almost bedtime 😱

OP posts:

minipie · 01/02/2024 18:52

😆 Motivation is an amazing thing….

Mumoftwo1312 · 01/02/2024 18:52

Great news! Kids love being contrary don't they haha

Watercolourpapier · 01/02/2024 20:20

NameChange9490 · 01/02/2024 18:49

Edited

Hurrah well done to the little chap! Well done to you for putting him back in the pull up as well.

YukoandHiro · 01/02/2024 20:24

My first was like this, Took well over a year and I nearly lost my mind.

Don't go backwards. Buy very cheap pants of Amazon and chuck any poo ones. Lots of praise for dry days/half days.

I don't have any other advice apart from the fact that it does happen eventually. Mine is young in her school year and had quite a few accidents in reception still.

She's 6,5 and still night pants (that's an another story), but hasn't had a day accident since she was 4.

'My 3yo got it within a couple of months and is almost dry at night already. There seems to be no rhyme or reason. It's nothing you've done wrong

YukoandHiro · 01/02/2024 20:25

Ps: I was going to wait longer with my second but she just refused to wear nappies in the day after 2.5 and insisted on using potties and toilets. It blindsided me 😂

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