Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boring duty visit?

78 replies

Olwyn35 · 30/01/2024 19:58

Daughter lives 4 hours away and she and her family have stopped staying with us. It feels really sad. We miss the playing and the fun of putting up her and our small grandsons. (We are invited to them every few months so do see them 4x a year.)
April lunch and next day out
They now say that in April, they might all stay in a hotel an hour from us, drop in on us for lunch, then expect us to drive an hour next day and go out with them all on their choice of day out. If we don’t agree to this plan, they say they won’t come at all. This feels as if they are not asking us what we would like to do, and how we would like to see them and play with the grandsons. They are just saying - that’s what is on offer, take it or leave it.

I feel awful, as if they are rubbing our noses in seeing us as the boring duty visit, only to be considered if they spend as little time in our house as possible.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Andbreatheee · 30/01/2024 20:01

I'm really sorry, that sounds really tough on you guys and really sad :( I don't think you're being unreasonable. Do you ever feel like you'd be able to say this to them? How old are your grandsons - is there the capacity ti say you'll have them for a weekend every couple of months so they can do something together which they can't do with the kids, but you get that time with them?

MrsOff · 30/01/2024 20:06

How old are the kids? Maybe they're getting too old to want to just "play" in the house.

What kind of set up is there in your home when they stay over? Are there spare rooms and enough bathrooms?

I must say that I really dislike sleeping in other peoples houses nowadays, even family. I need my own space at night and in the morning.

DDPMDD · 30/01/2024 20:14

How old are the children?
Do you have extra rules or do you bend the rules (bed time etc ) too much and they end up with no sleep? Then a long drive home?
Maybe they found a day trip the DC would really like to do but it's only practical then. My DD has one free weekend from now until the holidays...
Could you go and stay in the hotel too?
Have they exhausted all the days out near you and want a change?

Ewoklady · 30/01/2024 20:16

It does seem like a duty visit but you are going to see them for lunch and then a day out the next day so I think that’s ok

Meowandthen · 30/01/2024 20:19

Do you ever go to visit them? Or are they expected to do all the travelling?

Ilovelurchers · 30/01/2024 20:23

I think there is a lot to unpack here (and I can see why you are hurt, to some extent).

My main thought is, has your daughter explained why this change? And have you asked her?

It's hard to know whether she is being unreasonable without knowing what her given reasons are, if you see what I mean?

I suppose on the plus side you do still get to see them then for the the lunch and the day out, plus you get the four visits a year that you make (how long do you stay for?)

If you haven't yet, I would try to ask her, in a nice, non-judgemental way, why she has decided to go for a hotel this time. If there are specific things to do with accommodation, food, bed times, whatever, you MAY be able to address these. (equally you may not, or may not choose to). But until you know why, there is nothing you can do about it.

ItsVeryHyacinthBucket · 30/01/2024 20:25

We have the opposite issue. I’d love to be able to take my DCs to stay with their grandparents, play games and have family time, go on walks etc and sleep over. My parents can no longer accommodate us. I’ll come and stay with you OP!

Doingmybest12 · 30/01/2024 20:26

I think it's OK for them to try and do something different and they are also trying to include you. It's hard if you live away and you have limited leave and time to get away. You can't always please everyone. Yes there is a sense of duty, that's OK, it is part of family life but they could've decided to go somewhere else completely but instead have tried to make it work with you too. Accept this graciously as over time things will change and its not easy for anyone.

RawBloomers · 30/01/2024 20:28

Meowandthen · 30/01/2024 20:19

Do you ever go to visit them? Or are they expected to do all the travelling?

It’s in the OP.

Meowandthen · 30/01/2024 20:30

RawBloomers · 30/01/2024 20:28

It’s in the OP.

Show quote history

Sorry, missed that as v late here.

Well not as if they are never together. Perhaps the children don’t like the house? Maybe they fancy something different for once?

rookiemere · 30/01/2024 20:41

What age are the DGCs ? They may be getting to the stage where they have weekend activities and therefore less family free time

Original poster
Olwyn35 · 30/01/2024 20:45

Thanks everyone. Really helpful. I am going to sit with it all.
It feels harder because the grandsons want to visit and keep asking us when they can. We do things here like sandcastles on the beach, which is close by, fish and chips, playgrounds, parks. Everyone seems to have enjoyed it before. There’s enough space, 3 extra spare bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. We follow their lead on food, snacks, bedtimes and routines. We aren’t precious about our things.
Eek though I am prepared to admit it is a bit old fashioned!!
Quite honestly we don’t fancy the day out they are offering us. It’s a lot of standing around and crowded. We wouldn’t mind seeing them after they had done it themselves.
It would have felt kinder if they had invited us along to the hotel too!

OP posts:
Adropofink · 30/01/2024 20:50

Do you actually invite them to yours and arrange the visit, days out? Or have you relied on them to say ‘we’ll come and visit you on xx date’. If so I would try inviting them to something you want to do with them at a specific day and time and see what they say. If you don’t fancy what they’ve suggested this time, say so and make an alternative suggestion of something to do.

Meowandthen · 30/01/2024 20:53

Olwyn35 · 30/01/2024 20:45

Thanks everyone. Really helpful. I am going to sit with it all.
It feels harder because the grandsons want to visit and keep asking us when they can. We do things here like sandcastles on the beach, which is close by, fish and chips, playgrounds, parks. Everyone seems to have enjoyed it before. There’s enough space, 3 extra spare bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. We follow their lead on food, snacks, bedtimes and routines. We aren’t precious about our things.
Eek though I am prepared to admit it is a bit old fashioned!!
Quite honestly we don’t fancy the day out they are offering us. It’s a lot of standing around and crowded. We wouldn’t mind seeing them after they had done it themselves.
It would have felt kinder if they had invited us along to the hotel too!

The visit at yours sounds nice. Maybe this is a one-off?

Bluenotgreen · 30/01/2024 20:54

How old are the DC? Is it possible the eldest isn’t as keen on the things you usually do now? Or does DD or her partner appear bored?

If you don’t want to do the day out they suggested, just say so and arrange to see them beforehand/after?

Is it possible it’s just a one off as PP suggested?

Kendodd · 30/01/2024 20:57

Thing is, even if it is a duty visit, at least they're doing it and you get to see the grandchildren.

AnglepoisePond · 30/01/2024 20:57

Well, it can be wearying staying at your parents/PIL’s house. There could be any number of reasons.

My brother and his wife hate staying with our parents, because there’s absolutely no privacy (not just that the house is small, but all rooms lead out of one another), and DH’s adult siblings and their spouses/children hate staying at his parents’ because they have weird, rigid ideas about food and mealtimes.

When we lived overseas and visited parents/PILs with DS at home, we tended to stay in hotels because it’s not much of a break otherwise. Less stressful to stay somewhere where we don’t need to fit into someone else's routine.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2024 20:57

I think it's fine that they want to do something else for once. They still want to see you, and want to include you in what they are doing. Try not to be rigid about how you want time with them to be spent, because this will change as the grandchildren grow older anyway.

minipie · 30/01/2024 21:05

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2024 20:57

I think it's fine that they want to do something else for once. They still want to see you, and want to include you in what they are doing. Try not to be rigid about how you want time with them to be spent, because this will change as the grandchildren grow older anyway.

This. You can’t expect the playground/beach/sandcastle format to last forever. You’ve had that format for a few years, now try this one. You might even enjoy it.

seeotter · 30/01/2024 21:15

I'm guessing the DC are getting to the stage of not finding those activities engaging. Bored DC = acting out = stressed parents. I can see why they don't want to spend their annual leave like that. We've done similar tbh. We very much still want to see the PIL but it's so much more relaxing to have our own space and some activities guaranteed to burn off energy for the DC.

MrsOff · 30/01/2024 21:22

How old are the kids?

owlsinthedaylight · 30/01/2024 21:28

I understand you being sad that those days are coming to an end, but I think you are being a bit precious.

Theg have offered to include you in their new plans, but you don’t fancy it. So don’t go. Or just go for the bits that you want.

I think maybe you need to take some responsibility for finding something that you all want to do. But you can’t expect them all to just do what you want forever.

HereBeFuckery · 30/01/2024 21:31

I'm sure this isn't why, but I can tell you why we don't go to stay at my parents' house:

  • there will be about four hours of listening to stories we have heard a million times
  • food will be weird, cold, badly cooked or not suitable for kids (Weight Watchers frozen curries, half a cooked chicken for four adults and a child to share, with a bag of salad to go on the side...)
  • food in the evening is eaten about 9.30pm, and no one who is visiting may cook. This is to allow enough time for eleventy thousand cups of tea
  • any mention of anything non white British turns into a bigoted rant about foreigners who are overrunning 'us'
  • there will be a lengthy guilt trip at the end about how we never come to stay
  • leaving takes at least an hour and half as they 'just have to show you/tell you/get that thing you asked about'
  • leaving is only permitted once the car is jammed full of out of date food donations which must be received with raptures of joy
  • children should be seen and not heard. I like my kid!

As I say, definitely not an explanation that helps, but if you can ask, I would. Probably no real reason, or something that makes you feel better about the why!

ClematisRock · 30/01/2024 21:36

Or maybe @HereBeFuckery the OP has a daughter who has become hoity toity and wants visits to parents to be her way or the high way which is rather more common on MN these days.

PeloMom · 30/01/2024 21:39

I don’t like visiting my mom either especially with child and normally stay at a hotel about 40-60mins away because I like the town much better than where she lives.
my reasons are (and I don’t know if any of this applies to your case)

  • she smokes inside and I hate the smell let alone let my kid in there
  • there is not enough to do with a child and she insists on driving to other areas but I don’t think she’s a safe driver
  • she gets up much later than us and goes to bed much later - so that doesn’t work for us as I can’t keep my child quiet in the mornings and don’t want the noise in the evening
  • mealtimes are also much later although I don’t really care and feed my child as needed
  • until recently she had untrained dogs who were up and moving/ making noise at all times of the day and night

its just overall too many things and I prefer we are close but not too close when we visit.