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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boring duty visit?

78 replies

Olwyn35 · 30/01/2024 19:58

Daughter lives 4 hours away and she and her family have stopped staying with us. It feels really sad. We miss the playing and the fun of putting up her and our small grandsons. (We are invited to them every few months so do see them 4x a year.)
April lunch and next day out
They now say that in April, they might all stay in a hotel an hour from us, drop in on us for lunch, then expect us to drive an hour next day and go out with them all on their choice of day out. If we don’t agree to this plan, they say they won’t come at all. This feels as if they are not asking us what we would like to do, and how we would like to see them and play with the grandsons. They are just saying - that’s what is on offer, take it or leave it.

I feel awful, as if they are rubbing our noses in seeing us as the boring duty visit, only to be considered if they spend as little time in our house as possible.
AIBU?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/01/2024 21:44

Maybe they just really want to do this day out, and it’s the only way they can fit it in!

tinkerbellvspredator · 30/01/2024 21:47

Why don't you suggest the kids stay over with you for a sleepover so the parents get a date night at the hotel by themselves. Then all meet up at the day out?

idontlikealdi · 30/01/2024 22:03

Do you visit them?

Original poster
Olwyn35 · 30/01/2024 22:23

We promise everyone on here that we won’t rant, smoke, or bore them with old stories!

OP posts:
BuddhaAtSea · 30/01/2024 22:26

Did you ask her why?
I would most definitely ask my DD and expect a straight answer from her.

Original poster
Olwyn35 · 30/01/2024 22:36

I haven’t asked. I suppose I feel that going to a hotel instead speaks for itself. You can’t force anyone to come to stay with you. They either want to or they don’t.

Yes we are invited to stay with them. Maybe we will go to a hotel an hour from them, say we will drop in for lunch on Day 1 and tell them unless on Day 2 they accompany us on a day out they don’t fancy, we won’t come at all…

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 30/01/2024 22:42

Sounds upsetting that they won't stay when you have the space etc.
You haven't answered how old the kids are which may help.

Doingmybest12 · 30/01/2024 22:50

Sounds like they want to visit a theme park which is an hour a way and they are hoping you can join them, they didn't have to try and include you. Maybe you'll enjoy seeing the children having fun doing something else. If you don't want to go then don't but if I was them I'd feel like I'd tried to pull everything in and you'd made a choice. I feel for them.

Doingmybest12 · 30/01/2024 22:53

Sorry but you sound ridiculous. I visited my family every school holiday for years. It was blimmin hard work to pack everything up and go and plan around it. Sometimes I may be wanted to do something else, didn't mean I didn't love my family. It just meant we wanted to do other things too.

Bluenotgreen · 30/01/2024 23:03

Olwyn35 · 30/01/2024 22:36

I haven’t asked. I suppose I feel that going to a hotel instead speaks for itself. You can’t force anyone to come to stay with you. They either want to or they don’t.

Yes we are invited to stay with them. Maybe we will go to a hotel an hour from them, say we will drop in for lunch on Day 1 and tell them unless on Day 2 they accompany us on a day out they don’t fancy, we won’t come at all…

You sound ridiculous now.

Original poster
Olwyn35 · 31/01/2024 01:34

Thanks everyone!
GCs are 6 and 4. It’s not a Theme Park that’s suggested - I wish! It’s a much duller place, full of older tourists. Yawn.
I love it that it sounds ridiculous. That’s so clear.
So from now on, sod being duty visited (or not!) and feeling hurt.
Time to stop being such a wimp. If they want to see us, the ball is in their court.
Cheers!

OP posts:
32degrees · 31/01/2024 01:50

It's becoming clearer why your daughter might want some boundaries.

Boundaries aren't bad. When a person communicates their boundaries, it's them trying to make their relationship with you sustainable BECAUSE they love you and want it to work.

Stop being offended.

You go to them four times a year. You're hardly being shut out OP.

She's still coming FOUR hours with two small kids in the car to see you. That's not being shut out.

Have a nice lunch together. If you love your grandchildren and you can tolerate the activity, then go with a smile on your face. If you really can't handle the proposed activity then say so ("I'd love to but can't stand/walk that long anymore") and suggest something else instead. Nicely! As in invite them because you'd love to see them, not petulantly doing some 'tit for tat' because you didn't like their offer to you.

If you moan and strop about your daughter COMING TO VISIT you. Then don't be shocked when she doesn't want to anymore. Why would she drive four hours to see a face like a slapped arse.

32degrees · 31/01/2024 01:52

Also you know who moans about note liking the plans for a day out?

Bratty children.

You're an adult. Suck it up.

MariaLuna · 31/01/2024 02:20
  • any mention of anything non white British turns into a bigoted rant about foreigners who are overrunning 'us'

God, how utterly awful. I'd be cutting these types out of my life. I have a biracial son. Thank God my family are married with different nationalities anyway.

rookiemere · 31/01/2024 07:46

Olwyn35 · 31/01/2024 01:34

Thanks everyone!
GCs are 6 and 4. It’s not a Theme Park that’s suggested - I wish! It’s a much duller place, full of older tourists. Yawn.
I love it that it sounds ridiculous. That’s so clear.
So from now on, sod being duty visited (or not!) and feeling hurt.
Time to stop being such a wimp. If they want to see us, the ball is in their court.
Cheers!

You're not doing yourself any favours here OP by being so horribly dismissive of their choice of venue.

I suspect SIL has put his foot down and said with all that travelling they'd like to see something different in the general area.

Ultimately it's up to you, you can be as annoyed about it as you wish, but the DPs are the ones who control how much access you get to your DGCs.

I would go along with a smile on my face, and continue to develop as much of a relationship with DGCs as distance allows. Suggest building up so they could go for a couple of nights away and leave the DGCs with yourselves.

SillyMoose · 31/01/2024 07:59

HereBeFuckery · 30/01/2024 21:31

I'm sure this isn't why, but I can tell you why we don't go to stay at my parents' house:

  • there will be about four hours of listening to stories we have heard a million times
  • food will be weird, cold, badly cooked or not suitable for kids (Weight Watchers frozen curries, half a cooked chicken for four adults and a child to share, with a bag of salad to go on the side...)
  • food in the evening is eaten about 9.30pm, and no one who is visiting may cook. This is to allow enough time for eleventy thousand cups of tea
  • any mention of anything non white British turns into a bigoted rant about foreigners who are overrunning 'us'
  • there will be a lengthy guilt trip at the end about how we never come to stay
  • leaving takes at least an hour and half as they 'just have to show you/tell you/get that thing you asked about'
  • leaving is only permitted once the car is jammed full of out of date food donations which must be received with raptures of joy
  • children should be seen and not heard. I like my kid!

As I say, definitely not an explanation that helps, but if you can ask, I would. Probably no real reason, or something that makes you feel better about the why!

You've just exactly described a visit to my grandparents house.

Kendodd · 31/01/2024 08:07

If they don't really enjoy visiting you OP, but do it anyway, probably because they want their children to know you, and they know you want to see the children, so they're visiting you anyway (and trying to make the best of it) I don't really know what you're complaining about. You can't make them enjoy the visit. Would you rather they didn't visit at all? Duty visit or no visit, what would you choose?

BuddhaAtSea · 31/01/2024 08:09

@Olwyn35 did you mean to sound like one of those neurotic grandmothers? Because that’s how you come across. It’s easy enough to say: guys, I love having you and the boys at our house, love waking up with them and being part of their day to day life from time to time, the house comes alive and we love it. So if the hotel was booked last time for fear you’re imposing, nothing could be further from the truth.
And THEN leave the ball in their court.

You know what they say about assumptions.

Brefugee · 31/01/2024 08:11

Quite honestly we don’t fancy the day out they are offering us. It’s a lot of standing around and crowded. We wouldn’t mind seeing them after they had done it themselves.
It would have felt kinder if they had invited us along to the hotel too!

so why not suggest that, @Olwyn35 ? just go to the hotel on the 2nd day, and meet up with them when they get back?

Spirallingdownwards · 31/01/2024 08:13

Olwyn35 · 31/01/2024 01:34

Thanks everyone!
GCs are 6 and 4. It’s not a Theme Park that’s suggested - I wish! It’s a much duller place, full of older tourists. Yawn.
I love it that it sounds ridiculous. That’s so clear.
So from now on, sod being duty visited (or not!) and feeling hurt.
Time to stop being such a wimp. If they want to see us, the ball is in their court.
Cheers!

Maybe you live in Great Yarmouth and they prefer to stay at Wells Next the Sea. Completely different places and could be seen by some as you describe them and I know I would prefer the one you describe as boring and for old people. Maybe it's similar type places.

4 hours is a long journey and involves stopping om the way whereas 3 hours is doable in one go. Perhaps the extra is just a bit too far for two very small kids still.

Either go or don't go. But let them know if you are not because then they can bin off the whole trip if they want. Frankly an hour is neither here not there and with my grandkids living much further away I would happily drive an hour to see them especially if it is in a way that isn't a burden to their parents.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 31/01/2024 08:14

Wow, some nasty responses on here. A lot of projection going on, I think. Somehow the usual bitter ageists have made you into a racist bore who won’t feed her guests and may allow her ( nonexistent) dogs to eat the children, whilst slowly pickling the adults in second hand cigarette smoke. Evidence ? Zero.

However, you have come to the right conclusion, @Olwyn35 , albeit by an unpleasant route. Put a higher value on yourself! If DD doesn’t want to take you up on what you are offering ( though most Four year olds like a beach) and instead wants you to join in an activity you find unattractive and unsuitable, just say no.

Go out for a nice lunch that day.Send her a pic of it.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/01/2024 08:17

Time to stop being such a wimp. If they want to see us, the ball is in their court.

Foolish little flounces like this is how slightly difficult people become estranged from family members who love them but have no way of knowing they have taken offence irrationally.

ChimneyPot · 31/01/2024 08:24

If you think grandkids won’t enjoy the day trip you could suggest that you meet them for lunch at their hotel, take the grandchildren back to yours and let the parents have a couple break and then drop the grandkids back the next day.

Adropofink · 31/01/2024 08:28

‘If they want to see us the ball is in their court’

@Olwyn35 if you actually want to see them, really don’t do this. The ball is always in my court too and as I result we hardly see my mum because after years I’m fed up of being the one expected to arrange everything. If she made the effort we’d see her more. What if your daughter also says the same and then neither of you ever arrange anything?

minipie · 31/01/2024 08:40

God you sound bratty OP.