Boring duty visit?

[Olwyn35]

Daughter lives 4 hours away and she and her family have stopped staying with us. It feels really sad. We miss the playing and the fun of putting up her and our small grandsons. (We are invited to them every few months so do see them 4x a year.)
April lunch and next day out
They now say that in April, they might all stay in a hotel an hour from us, drop in on us for lunch, then expect us to drive an hour next day and go out with them all on their choice of day out. If we don’t agree to this plan, they say they won’t come at all. This feels as if they are not asking us what we would like to do, and how we would like to see them and play with the grandsons. They are just saying - that’s what is on offer, take it or leave it.

I feel awful, as if they are rubbing our noses in seeing us as the boring duty visit, only to be considered if they spend as little time in our house as possible.
AIBU?

It sounds like you get a lot already. You’re not entitled to anything. Be grateful.

This is a fight you can’t win.

Maybe you've forgotten OP, but it's no small feat getting two children (6 and 4) packed and on the road for a four hour car trip.

If they're anything like my children who are close to that in age, then they'll need a few stops as well making the journey last the better part of a day.

I know you drive to see her, but presumably you don't bring two small children with you. A long drive listening to a podcast of your choice is nothing like a day trapped in a car with children bickering, wee stops, peppa pig's tinny voice through the iPad and the wiggles on repeat on the stereo.

Does your daughter also work? Run her house?

Maybe I am projecting here, but modern life with work and kids is busy.

Your daughter has already committed a lot of effort to seeing you. She's even driving an additional hour from the hotel to your home, as that is your preference. All you need to do is come to a tourist attraction that you find a bit "yawn".

Ball in her court indeed.

The usual reason a family chooses to stay in a hotel rather than at a relatives is because one or more members of the family find it extremely uncomfortable, either physically or emotionally.

Also, honestly, it is much easier to manage small children when you have some time just as a family in private space and can "switch off".

I'd accept the lunch. If you don't want to do the activity either suck it up this once and then make suggestions of your own, or say politely that you don't think this activity suits you and you won't come this time.

I'm at the other end of the scale now and have adult children (no grandkids yet) but I am very aware that when we do Christmas all together everyone is to some extent accepting that they will compromise on privacy and food etc that they like.

I think that’s fair. It can also be very difficult to say to a family member, ‘Look, we find staying at your house stressful/difficult because of X’, when the family member in question clearly has no idea, because that’s their ‘normal’

Especially if the person who really struggles is the married-in partner/spouse, as is often the case, because they didn’t grow up in the house/with those norms.

My foreign SIL couldn’t get over how rude she thought our PILs were being when she and BIL came on visits to DH’s parents (MIL in particular well-meaning but unimaginative and tactless, and incapable of seeing someone else’s needs don’t always coincide with her ideas of hospitality).

I posted jokily about this on here before (thread about weird things your ILs do?), but PILs’ only loo/bathroom is downstairs, just inside the front door, across from the living room door, and has a frosted glass door sited so that anyone sitting on the loo or drying themselves after a shower is in full view of the living room, hallway, anyone coming to the front door, only lightly masked by the frosted glass. I mean, you can see who it is very obviously, because the bathroom is tiny, so the glass door is only a couple of feet from the loo.

As I said on the other thread, one SIL arrived once at the front door and complimented the new hairstyle of the other SIL who was on the loo.

DH grew up with that, but other people (including our son) tie themselves into knots trying to avoid using the loo when there!

They want to take their kids away on the only long bank holiday of the year, doing something different and fun that they enjoy, and are inviting you to tag along. It's only an hour drive from you, so why would anyone want to pay for an extra hotel room?
If you don't want to go, don't and go visit or invite them over another time. There is probably millions of reasons why it's easier for them at Easter this year, it's probably nothing to do with you and if they have prioritised you over the past 5 years it's fair enough that it changes.

Have you tried inviting your grandchildren over without their parents? In my family they would definitely be old enough for a few days at their grandparents.

So they’ve chosen a place popular with older people. Maybe they thought you’d enjoy it?

op your later posts do make you sound controlling. I’d recommend the new Philippa Perry book about family dynamics. As the grandchildren get older their lives get busier so you do need to get this phase right else it really will be infrequent visits

So @Olwyn35 I really want to offer a different perspective here - I find it sad how on mumsnet so many threads descend into 'yes they are SO unreasonable - they can just get stuffed' etc etc and you are ending this saying 'well screw them' basically

this is your family - absolutely nobody on here knows what is going through your daughters mind. Maybe she doesn't enjoy staying away from home? Maybe her kids have behavioural issues you aren't seeing but she finds tiring to manage - maybe she herself is just a real homebody -

She may have a bee in her bonnet about this particular attraction and it has no relation at all to whether or not she stays with you

for gods sake be a grown up and just tell her you are really keen to have the kids visit - maybe offer to look after the children while her and her partner head off for grown up stuff / a night away?

Who the hell here can possibly unravel why you aren't getting as many visits as you want.

I will tell you as a daughter in law myself - once the kids start school and weekend hobbies, sadly it is difficult to get away for as many weekends and we definitely don't visit my inlaws as much as they would like - that is just the reality of busy modern family life.

Instead of getting a massive chip on your shoulder and taking advice from people who have no idea what she is thinking just speak to your daughter about it!

Why don't you offer to take the kids for a day/overnight and give them a day off and a nice night at a hotel?

Presumably the 6 year old is in school - that makes weekends away difficult that is the reality. Knackered post school on a friday - maybe have football/ whatever club saturday morning and a routine - kids parties/ playdates.

Just connect with your daughter and say hey would love to have you guys or the kids, just let us know when the next holiday we can bring you here.

Offer to have the kids and the parents get a night in a hotel, win win

OP, you don't want to feel that they visit you out of duty. So ask: how can I make your visits fun? What do you like to do? Do you want to just veg in front of the tv instead of having company manners on all day? What can I cook to make it feel like a treat? What are the kids into that I can take them to/talk to them about?
My MIL is my favourite person to visit because she has no expectations of us, we can sit and check emails and she'll do what she wants and not be huffing and sighing that we're not making polite conversation all the time. It's like being at home! She lets us be ourselves.

We don't see our young grandkids anything like as much as we would like, and they live near enough to just drop in. I know families are very busy these days, and I try not to take it personally. Dunno what if anything we've done wrong, and it is very hurtful, though I note we come in handy for babysitting as a last resort. My advice is to fall in with their plans, at least that way you get to see them.

Thanks for the views, which I was deliberately seeking. I don’t want to be stuck in a “silo” of just my own outlook.

We don’t hold any cards. Canny bridge players think about their position. They are then capable of playing even a bad hand a bit better!

Can you visit them before April?

I think this is one of these scenarios where it's better to actually discuss things face to face. Most benign and possibly most likely scenario is that they simply fancy a change of scene for this trip.

If it does transpire that they feel more comfortable in a hotel rather than staying with you, you need to accept that with good grace. They may well be open to the idea of a future visit where they leave the DGCs for a night or two.

She will have her reasons. You need to reframe. She is visiting you for lunch and you are invited on a family day trip. Lovely, no?
The way you describe 'being expected to drive an hour to somewhere of her choice' rather says a lot about you I think.

When kids were small my son and DIL would book into local hotel and children would stay with us. They said they loved getting up when they felt like it, leisurely breakfast and then they felt ready to enjoy the day. Would they like that.

Could you offer to have the grand kids and let your daughter stay in the hotel?
Maybe she wants a break and booked the hotel as a treat ?

We don’t hold any cards. Canny bridge players think about their position. They are then capable of playing even a bad hand a bit better!

Why do you keep framing this as a game you can "win" by playing your cards shrewdly, or putting the ball in your daughter's court, and successfully manipulating her into doing what you want?

It is not a game. This is your daughter, and your grandchildren, who you love and want to see. It is not wimp-like to see them at a time and place that suit them - it is normal. No need to make this adversarial, that is a really odd attitude on your part.

But why should you choose what to do? There the ones with dcs…

Quite honestly we don’t fancy the day out they are offering us. It’s a lot of standing around and crowded. We wouldn’t mind seeing them after they had done it themselves”

They've done it your way for quite some time. Your turn to do what they want this time. I can’t stand theme parks but it’s part and parcel of being a grandparent so I grin and bear it.

I wouldn't be as harsh as everyone else, as I know what's coming across as mardy and petty comes from a place of hurt. Don't strop, talk to her and ask why she doesn't want to visit. There could be a million reasons they have decided to do it this way. My dm has got the wrong end of the stick a couple of times and lashed out in a hurt, petty way, which I have never forgotten.

I dislike visiting PIL's house. It's boiling hot, the bed is tiny and the bathroom is shared . Dinner is too early for us ( diabetic needs to eat early) and the evening stretches out into a long evening of crappy tv that we hate. It is also 4 hours away and I have a busy job, life and parents of my own to deal with. So the drive there, the lack of sleep and the drive home is just exhausting.

Just remember that whilst they may be family, they also have their own unit, way of living and habits. Plus if they both work, probably very limited holiday.

I think you need to chill out and talk to your daughter about their needs vs your needs and compromise.

Thanks all!
General view is to give it time. Things have moved on.

1. I respect their choice not to stay with us when they come. But I suspect they probably won’t come this April, or this year even.
2. About the thorny issue of what to tell GCs when they keep asking us why all our other GCs stay and go to the beach, Christmas lights, pizza etc while they don’t, it’s fine for me just to say - not this year.
3. they respect my choice not to do the day out. Really it’s too long a day and with a long drive on top. They won’t do it either. (I never told them I thought it was a boring choice though!)

Thanks everyone for helping negotiate a tricky family dynamic. Good luck with all your parents and families.

I found it increasingly difficult to stay with my parents and my inlaws as my children got older. It was simply a strain. I think you just have to accept what they offer.

You could always offer to have the children for a day / weekend without the parents.

It is impossible to know the reasons but I have resented the expectation that I am happy to spend all my holidays staying with my inlaws. And it has gradually become less of an occupation for my children to go and stay with my own parents every holiday.

My own children need more independence as they grow and doing things en mass, en famille gets harder and harder.

I am not sure the grandparents understand this. I am going to try very hard when I am a grandparent to try and do more visiting and more trips out and about and expect less to just host them.

If they're not going to go to it now you've said you won't I think you can take that as they were trying to do something to include you. That would suggest to me that the visits are getting too monotonous as the DC get older and they've exhausted all the interesting things near you and want to try something else, but still with you.