Pick me girl

[LentilsMaybe]

AIBU to not get what this term is? DD told me a girl in her year is a pick me girl. To me it means someone trying hard to get attention. After seeing tome video on TikTok, I am more confused than ever? What does a pick me girl do and what is she like? Or is this conceptually beyond Millennials?

Both terms/concepts can be useful for women to examine their own behaviour and what motivates it. But unfortunately they have now become weaponised and are largely used by women to insult each other

Agreed. It's a really unpleasant trope that thrives in communities that value conformity - such as young teen groups, and indeed MN.

Insecure people in such communities take it as a personal insult when someone says they have differing values, or boundaries, to the majority. Calling that person out for "attention seeking" is depressingly common.

You see it here all the time when women mention that they don't like to wear stylish clothing, say, or they enjoy porn. Often they're met with a chorus of, "oooOOOoooh, think you're SO special don't you?!"

This thread is such a jumble of stereotypes, some of which have nothing to do with each other.

"Not like the other girls" is often an identity forced on teenage girls who don't conform to gender stereotypes by other girls. It was the popular (sporty, blonde, white) girls at my school who made it clear that I (nerdy, bookish, mixed race) didn't fit in. I wasn't doing that for male attention (all the popular boys went for the popular girls anyway - they were the ones preoccupied with male attention). Most of my male friends at school turned out to be gay (and it had been similarly made clear to them that they didn't fit in with the popular boys).

"Pick me" is basically pretending to be someone you're not in order to fit in or gain approval. Some women do this for male approval, yes (one of my own regrets is pretending to like a lot of dreary indie music that I hated in order to impress a boy at university). Some women do it for female approval (to fit in with the in group that would've otherwise bullied them at school). Both those dynamics exist among men too. Some people just do it to be seen as "cool" or "affluent" or "a perfect family" or whatever image we want to portray that isn't real. You wouldn't call those people pick-mes per se but it comes from the same place of sublimating your own identity in order to gain social approval. (I think of "pick me" as a gender-specific version of "begfriend".)

"Cool wife" on MN just seems to be someone who thinks men and women can be friends and doesn't check her husband's phone daily.

Oh and re: not like other girls, I got over that the minute I left school and those mean girls behind, and found other women who were like me. Others may have internalised it more deeply.

Another thing I've been thinking about, is how it's becoming increasingly common for women to choose to be single. Women are realising they can be happy and complete on their own, and that being alone is better than a crap relationship.

This is a great thing. However I anticipate that the flipside of this is that whereas women were once shamed for being single, women will now increasingly be shamed for wanting a relationship.

There's a narrative that you should love yourself first and be happy on your own before pursuing a relationship. This I 100% agree with. However, it's also okay to want to be in a relationship. It's okay to want to find love. It's okay to like male attention. After all, we're still hardwired to seek companionship.

From a sociological perspective, the rise of the "pick me" label might have something to do with this. Whilst I agree that some "pick me" behaviours are problematic and should be called out, I don't think women should be shamed or looked at with disdain for wanting to be in a relationship.

Pick me is a term used to describe some who's "not like other girls".

Different things. "Not like other girls" - prefers company of boys/men or animals, doesn't have typical feminine interests.
"Pick me" will prioritize male approval over solidarity with her own sex, sexually available (will do things that other women would see as degrading).

Its more nuanced than that. The cool girl stereotype doesn't reject some or all aspects of femininity for herself, because she genuinely doesn't conform to sex based stereotypes.
The cool girl carefully selects for rejection (or feigned rejection) SOME female stereotypes that she believes men look down on or dislike. So she may say she hates fussing about with her appearance, because of the belief men prefer a natural look. She may make a big thing of her love for football while sneering at clothes shopping, because she thinks men would prefer a woman who'd watch the match with them than traipse them round the shops.
What she does not do is reject anything about being a woman that she feels men do like. So her 'natural' look will still be sexy and appealing, and she will shop for clothes, groom etc, but on the quiet so it seems she's achieved it without all the silly fuss the other girls go to.
The defining feature of the cool girl is that she has created a package of womanhood designed to appeal to men, so her choices are not based on her tastes, and she is poles apart from the genuine non conforming woman. Of course, only the woman in question knows which she really is. Which is why the term is useful for self awareness but inappropriate as a label.

We're a long way off from shaming women for wanting to be in a relationship. That's not a thing. There are still plenty of people who look down on single women or mothers though.

It's not girls who don't fit into gender stereotypes though, it's girls who say that they like boy stuff when they don't or self harm because it's seemed cool to do so etc. it's not a nice or kind description but often these girls are pretty mean to their peers. It's a lot with trying to find their place in the world than anything and most grow out of it.

I don't think this an accurate description to be honest.

Pick me is bandied around to any girl who doesn't fit in with other girls, hangs around with the boys, has attention seeking behaviours that annoy the other girls, potentially promiscuous or accused of being promiscuous.

I don't think the 'pick me girls' are usually bullies, it's very often the other way around. The girls who are in a group are more unkind to the other girl.

It's actually pretty disturbing that you look at a woman who is saying "these beauty expectations of women are fucked up, it's silly that you're doing that, I'm not doing it" and think that she's sucking up to a man.

That's not what a pick-me girl does, though. She conforms to them while making a big deal of pretending she doesn't. She's groomed and made up – but in a way that makes it look like it was effortless and she just woke up like that, and she makes sure everyone knows that she doesn't spend time on things like make-up and her hair. Even though she actually does. Kendall Jenner is an example in the public eye – she acts and talks as if she's totally different to her sisters, not interested in beauty, would never do what they've done to their bodies etc – all the while having had surgery and fillers like the rest of them, only quietly and more subtly.

It's a stereotype, for sure – but like a lot of them, it's based in reality.

A lot of us did a variation of it, probably while at school – loudly rejecting pop music while still secretly singing along with Steps, or proclaiming The Godfather as the greatest movie of all time when actually we loved Titanic, or saying "most of my best friends are boys, girls are just too bitchy" etc etc. It's rooted in internalised misogyny.

To clarify, I wasn't stating that that's the way things currently are. It was more so a prediction of the direction things are heading in.

Although I do think it's starting to become a thing. I've seen women's complaints about dating woes be met with "just stay single, just enjoy being by yourself", etc. Which admittedly is not the same as shaming someone, but it's a fairly new perspective and one that could result in eventually shaming people for wanting to couple up. The "pick me" trope is something that plays into that.

It’s just a new term for the not like other girls girls.

try googling videos of Pick me Pearl. This woman seems to have made a career by agreeing with men on things like - Women shouldn't vote, they are too hormonal and not clever enough to understand and should not have opinions on men things.

Women who have had a sexual past are low quality and men deserve better.
Women who expect men to help with cleaning when they have been at work all day are ungrateful users.
Men have needs etc.

Its these types of women who are the modern pick me's. Women who will throw other women under a bus in a bid to be seen as more worthy by men. Who side with the incel type men agreeing with views that make women lesser in the hope that they are seen as better.

You think calling them a slur behind their back is in some way better?

That is because a lot of women can't conceive of it not being all about appealing to men. Look at all the threads on Mumsnet where women will put up with all kinds of shit to be seen to have a "partner".

It is what being pick me is. She’s insinuating that she should be chosen because she doesn’t wear short skirts and has better music taste. A key element of pick-me mentality is putting down other women ie competitors. This song is well-discussed as an example of being pick-me, as well as displaying internalised misogyny. Taylor herself has recognised internalised misogyny in her older music and changed the lyrics of some of her songs (eg Better Than Revenge).

I'm a millennial and we used this all the time as kids/teens. It is meant for girls who say oh I'm not like other girls.. I just have guy friends or who try and say they're better than other girls because they don't like makeup or other stereotypical girlie things. It's essentially kind of like the "cool girl" from Gone Girl.
There's definitely a misogynistic undertone but I think the root of the behaviour comes from internalised misogyny and a need to be validated by men.

I think people should tell their kids to stop bashing each other with these sorts of terms, it’s harmful and bound to get back to the so called ‘pick me’ girl.

People will always go to great lengths to attract a person. Some girls will dress up to the nines, some will dress down and pretend to like things the other person is into, some people will just be themselves. Who are we to judge?

It’s unfair to say ‘pick me’ girls are setting out to undermine relationships. Ultimately if your boyfriend’s head is turned, that’s on him and means he’s not a keeper anyway!

This is just another way of bullying people who are different to you or even just have a different strategy of finding a partner. It’s just mean to label people especially young girls.

I think it’s a completely fine term. Teens will always develop their own language and I’m not going to police their expression.

DD16 uses the term about girls who would've been "cool girls" before hand.
It's not always necessarily the girls who are vying for the boys attention, sometimes it's similar behaviour with the teachers in school.

They're the ones who just NEED to be tge centre of attention for some reason or another.
They're not really like one of the boys, just seem interested in getting their attention. DD has explained to me that there are quite a few of these girls who will see a girl talking to a boy, and will seem to revel in getting into the conversation, shutting down the origin conversation, in order for them to have small talk or drag the boy into some sort of drama filled conversation.

gen z here!
a pick me girl is a girl who tears down other women in hopes of male validation, especially tearing down women who are conventionally feminine due to internalised misogyny. think "not like other girls."

ironically, considering the term was made to call out girls on having internalised misogyny

you're so gay by katy perry?

"Pick me" as in "doing the pick me dance" has been used on MN for years. It's not a new concept.

Sounds like a girl that we would have referred to as “easy”.