Pick me girl

[LentilsMaybe]

AIBU to not get what this term is? DD told me a girl in her year is a pick me girl. To me it means someone trying hard to get attention. After seeing tome video on TikTok, I am more confused than ever? What does a pick me girl do and what is she like? Or is this conceptually beyond Millennials?

eg “pick me” women might say things like “I don’t feel the need to wear make up like other women, I just get up and go” and it’s said in a way to make a woman feel bad for choosing to wear make up.

Women who make a big deal out of rejecting femininity that is pushed onto girls and women are not doing that to appeal to men. Women who reject femininity/adopt a 'gender non-conforming' look (which can be as simple as a woman in her natural body and her natural face in comfortable non-tight clothes, for some 'commentators') are rejecting things women are expected to do often on the idea that those things will appeal to men. Many such women are lesbians.

It's actually pretty disturbing that you look at a woman who is saying "these beauty expectations of women are fucked up, it's silly that you're doing that, I'm not doing it" and think that she's sucking up to a man.

(They might be obnoxious about it, sure. Women who advocate for other women to shave and wear makeup can be obnoxious too. I think the second category is more common.)

I’ve usually seen “pick me” used for women who are obnoxious about rejecting stereotypical femininity, sometimes in a hypocritical way (e.g. claiming not to wear make up when they are, or not to bother styling their hair when they have).

Kendall Jenner is often cited as a pick me example - pretending to be low maintenance but has had several surgeries and treatments to achieve her appearance.

I've actually been thinking about this recently, as the term seems to have risen in popularity, and it doesn't sit right with me.

Some girls and women who exhibit typical "pick me" behaviour do sometimes exhibit problematic behaviour, such as putting other women down or criticising typically feminine traits, behaviours, and interests. This usually stems from a mixture of insecurity and internalised misogyny.

I do think such behaviour should be addressed, but I don't think labelling them as a "pick me" is the most productive way to do so.

It's become so trendy that many use this term to put down and shame others. Some women might unfairly be labelled a pick me simply because she doesn't like make up, doesn't have many female friends, or heaven forbid... actually wants a boyfriend!

Basically, the term "pick me" has become a misogynistic response to something that is normally rooted in internalised misogyny. It's just the new fashionable way of putting women down.

Pick me girls has always been a thing. I was one in my late teens but as I became more confident I stopped.

It’s not about the actual outliers, it’s about those who make out like they’re superior because of it.

I don’t wear make up or high heels, but I’m not better than anyone who does. If I was a pick me girl I’d be pointing this preference out to everyone who’d listen and telling them why that makes me the best thing since sliced bread. Another poster nailed it with try-hard.

There are also plenty of other phrases that are only for men (cocklodger, to name a Mumsnet classic). The closest thing I can think of for a man is ‘dick measuring’ (but that’s also to get male attention/respect, rather than the opposite gender… maybe peacocking is closer…)

a pick me boy is a ‘nice guy’- someone who believes that because they treat women with some courtesy that they have a right to date them.

'Women who make a big deal out of rejecting femininity that is pushed onto girls and women are not doing that to appeal to men'

Pick me's are. That's the point.

My 12 yr old girl mentions it a lot.
It's a girl who puts her hand up a lot on class and possibly an attention seeker.
She's been called it too.

My take on Cool Wife from Mumsnet is that it is a woman who doesn't police her partner's phone and doesn't think his female co-workers should wear a burka. Hence the resentment from the women who distrust other women and think they want to "steal" her partner, who apparently does not have free will.

I don’t wear make up or high heels, but I’m not better than anyone who does. If I was a pick me girl I’d be pointing this preference out to everyone who’d listen and telling them why that makes me the best thing since sliced bread. Another poster nailed it with try-hard.

Better in what way? It's better that you don't wear shoes that hobble and harm your feet and better that you're not so insecure that you can't go out without hiding your natural face. If you go out wearing makeup, you're upholding and reinforcing the attitude that men's faces are good enough, but women have to paint theirs to hide imperfections. It's sexism.

It's not 'pick me', because women fighting about what women should do is not intrinsically about men and male approval.

This.

I am 46 and genuinely believed it meant a girl or woman who is seeing a guy who is also seeing other girls or women and wants to be the chosen one.

@Tuelanak nailed this in her post examples.

It's about the context, and I think it's easy to pick up on it immediately when you hear it.

I remember these sorts of things being said by girls in my teenage years and your examples make my stomach knot from the memory!

It comes across as false (because it is) and that's why it gets people's backs up.

Name calling and bullying isn't OK but 'pick me' behaviour is a real thing (whatever the current favourite term for it is - I'm a millennial so it was cool girl for me)

My teens use it this way.
I have only heard them use it once, in reference to one girl, and they both agreed.
It wasn't said cruelly or to tease but to each other when talking about this girl who isn't really that nice and why they try to avoid her. She tells a lot of lies for attention, does stupid stuff for attention, isn't nice to the girls, but very nice to the boys. Constantly asking for validation from teachers "do you like mine" but then also messing about in class.

Thanks to the PP for reminding me about Taylor Swift. This song has been criticised for being 'Pick Me'. Look at the lyrics, she really nails the persona:

You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset
She's going off about something that you said
'Cause she doesn't get your humor like I do
I'm in the room, it's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
And she'll never know your story like I do
But she wears short skirts
I wear T-shirts
She's Cheer Captain, and I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one
Who understands you
Been here all along
So, why can't you see?
You belong with me
You belong with me

This.

Really sad that girls who don't like traditionally 'girly' things get so much nastiness directed at them.

I can't remember what 'buzzword' us Gen X called it, but I remember the snippy comments because I had more 'manly' interests like cars & bikes, listened to heavy metal & had no interest in makeup or clothes.

I also liked animals, gardening, nail polish, corsetry & flower arranging, but it was always anything that would be considered 'pick me' that was focused on & the fact I wasn't conventionally pretty meant that I apparently sought other avenues to bag boys.

I actually was with a pick me guy- chenged his music taste & a lot of his habits (including personal hygiene) to appeal to me more, put on a front of being a 'nice guy'.

And once the nice guy act slipped (as acts invariably do) what eventually emerged was extremely unpleasant, but not before I got a fair few batterings to put me in my place.

Known as a "cool girl" when I was younger.

Your interests alone wouldn't make you a 'pick me' girl. If you built your identity around not being like other girls, in that subtle, but not so subtle way of putting them down to make yourself cooler to guys then that would be.

It's not girls who don't fit into gender stereotypes though, it's girls who say that they like boy stuff when they don't or self harm because it's seemed cool to do so etc. it's not a nice or kind description but often these girls are pretty mean to their peers. It's a lot with trying to find their place in the world than anything and most grow out of it.

Now with DD aged 14 we are discussing Main Character Syndrome - the person involved incites fights by stirring up trouble, intimidates people into getting their own way, lies about medical diagnoses and family issues, taking on ones that their friends have and making them bigger. It's tough being at the recieving end of it and really quite abusive.

Yes I thought that's what it was?

Ie women told not to do the pick me dance when their husband is dithering between them or the other woman.

Plus meridith grey of course was the same.

This is not my understanding of "pick me"
For a start in the song she's not really talking to him, she's imagining telling him why they are more suited...that's different IMO because she isn't pushing herself forward?
The way my kids use it is not about liking "boy" things or not being a typical girl....its more literally how it sounds.
It's a person who portrays their likes and dislikes to match the person they are trying to impress.

It's not about girls who genuinely like football....but those girls who pretend to like football to impress certain boys. But the next day with different boys pretend to like cars. Or a certain band.
Not just a one off with one boy, but a repeated pattern with lots of people trying to gain affection or praise. And it becomes obvious that its mostly lies.

I used to be a pick me. I pretended to like things I didn't to appeal to boys, often in a misguided attempt to try and fit in as much as finding a boyfriend. I didn't fit in with the girls so moved on to the boys. I put down anything I considered girly. I had no confidence to just be myself.

Fast forward 20 years I like what I like and have female and male friends. Whenever I hear "I get on better with men than women, they are less drama" I feel sorry for the woman who said it. They probably still feel like they don't fit in.

Nothing wrong with preferring male company, it's the drama comment. How can you write off all women like that?

Pick me and cool girl are two different things, though with some cross over. While a cool girl describes one who constructs her entire personality around the traits she believes men prefer in order to be seen by men as better than other women; pick me is a behaviour often displayed in response to competition. Sometimes called the pick me dance, it involves (often temporarily) adopting behaviour to please, appease or attract a particular man away from another woman. Other women and cheated on partners sometimes display pick me behaviour.
Both terms/concepts can be useful for women to examine their own behaviour and what motivates it. But unfortunately they have now become weaponised and are largely used by women to insult each other.