To asked to be removed from my mother's Will and be disinherited

[ElonsPsychic]

In 2014 my father passed away. Two days before his death, I had a phone call from my dad who was crying; he told me that my sister had been into his house, found his Will and opened it, gone to his care home and asked him if he wanted to change it. His property was split equally between us as well as a gift to a local charity and a friend.
My dad said he felt violated and was crying.

She phoned me two days later to say I should come because he was about to pass away. (I loved around 250 miles away.

I didn't get there in time but received the phonecall while I was at motorway services.

The following day I went to see his body and be with him. The hospice care nurse told me that she has called my sister at first thing..around 7am and told her to call me. My sister didn't call me until late morning.

If she had called me at 7am I would've got to say goodbye to him and be with him. I didn't get to say good bye to my father.

Lots of things have happened beyond this and we are now estranged.

I feel devastated, I loved my sister so much. I feel. After nearly three years of trying to move on I still find myself in a place of horrible sadness and grief.

I've spoken to various people and they've said this isn't uncommon in families when a parent dies, families get damaged.

When I expressed upset to my wider family, none of them seemed to see it as a problem or say very much.

I have chosen estrangement due to this and other things I can't come to terms with while still in contact with them

My mother is getting older and the thought of going through this again is just completely overwhelming, the thought of having to navigate any of her care or her will with my sister makes me feel dreadful.

I have thought about asking to be disinherited. Writing to them and saying please remove me as a benefactor from my mother's will (if I'm even on it anymore)

The thought of that and being able to feel free any future horrible feelings and ties gives me a sense of peace.

My sister is considerably more well off that I am, married and I am a single parent. I am however fairly okay and don't struggle financially at the moment and plan to ensure that I can manage to support myself and my child in the future.

It would feel like a release to have no ties in this way to them and it would protect my emotional and mental state which has been poor at times and is now better following estrangement.

Should I ask to be disinherited. I think it would involve a solicitors letter.

I don’t see how any money left to you “ties” you to your family? Who your mum leaves her money to is not for you or your sister to dictate.

This makes no sense. It's money and has no obligation towards your sister.

The will is neither here nor there, forget about it. But you want to become estranged from your elderly mother? What has she done to you?

I would ask that you not be named as an executor, so that you don't have to be involved with your family is settling her affairs when the time comes. If she chooses to leave you something, why would you give that up? Being a beneficiary doesn't oblige you to get I involved as far as I know, someone else may know better. Also being in the will has no bearing on whether you have responsibilities regarding her care as she gets older, that's two different things.

It's going to be hard when your Mum dies either way. You will likely still have to deal with some contact with family. If you ask your mother to change her will, I'd offer to pay the cost of drawing up a new one.

I'm a bit confused by what your mother has to do with your falling out with your sister?

I'm assuming you mean that your sister (or both of you are executors) and therefore to be a beneficiary you'd need to be in contact with her and don't want to face it.

I honestly feel the will is less of a problem than this issue still being so raw that you would want to do it. Have you sought any sort of grief counselling? It sounds like you need to work through these feelings of anger and grief which are perfectly valid but they seem to be eating at you. I think you should get yourself to a better place mentally before you make any decisions on this.

So sorry for your loss and wish you luck in your healing

If it gives you peace of mind then I can see why you are thinking of this, but it's a big step to take and not one you can come back from easily. Also if your relationship is generally OK with your mum, then she might find this very sad. She has lost her husband and now she has "lost" a daughter.

I would suggest you keep it as an option for the time being.

Your sister is probably the next of kin anyway, so a lot of decisions might fall to her anyway. You can keep out of it and let her get on with it, without cutting yourself out.

Why would you want to cause (further?) distress to your mother by questioning her wishes in this way? If receiving her money causes you so much distress you can always donate it to charity. But to raise this as an issue now is in my view entirely selfish: you are only thinking about your reaction and feelings with no thought as to how such a request will impact your mother. Your sister is entirely irrelevant

The will won't make you feel less tied to your sister or family, I'd not change it.

This happened to my dh, his db told my dh that their father had died 2 days after he'd passed! He didn't even tell him he was ill. My dh is now no contact with his brother and has no immediate family left.

As for your situation, I'd not fuss about the will, just simply don't rely on your sister. Keep in contact with your dm yourself and if she does go into a care home etc make sure they have your contact details so can call you directly, speak to another family member and ask them to keep you updated.

OP, if you don't want to have to deal with your sister as joint executors, you can get your Mum to name the solicitor to be executor and then you'll not have to work with your sister. It's what I did with my Mum and her will.

If she won't, and you're both executors, you have the right to withdraw as executor and let her do it and just pay you your share when finalised.

I'm not sure that focussing on the will is where you should be looking. When your mum passes away, it will still affect you regardless and unless your mum has been horrendous to you in the past, she could very well be incredibly hurt by your actions. I think you need to talk to your sister.

Are you close to your mum? Do you spend time with her? Do you believe that your sister would ensure your mum was well cared for as she approaches end of life if you weren't around to be involved?

I think that is a more important consideration than the will.

I don't see why you would let the fall out with your sister affect your mother's last wishes. It's what your mum wants to happen with whatever she leaves behind that's important.

Think about getting counselling to help you work through what happened around your fathers death so it doesn't affect your relationship with your DM

Am I reading right that you've detached yourself from your Mum because your sister didn't call you for a few hours?

As a side point, my sibling dealt with both my parents in their old age and also with their care as I lived a 5 hour drive away. At the time I sometimes felt I wasn't kept in the loop as much as I should be.

However, DH's only sibling lives a long way from us, and we were round the corner from in-laws. So DH dealt with his parents in their old age and also when they went into hospital and died. Being the one dealing with it and making on-the-spot decisions can be harrowing, and sometimes phone calls to others are not made as soon as they might have been, but not from any desire to shut someone out.

I am not minimising how you feel, as I felt quite cross with my sibling about something, and it did take me a while to put it to one side in my head. But having subsequently been at the sharp end, I have a different perspective.

You’d cause hurt and distress to
your mum because you’re not in contact with your sister?

That is just cruel.

I agree with this.

Are your parents separated? I'm not clear if you are blaming your mum as well for not calling you about your dad or whether she's just collateral damage in the rift with your sister.

You talk about not wanting to be involved in your mum's care. Being removed from her will doesn't absolve you of responsibility to care for her if she needs it.

Why let your sister get everything? Just don’t have any contact with her. Find out where your mums will is kept and if it’s at home get your mum to have it kept by a solicitor. This is your kids right to have family inheritance so don’t remove this from them. You can put it in an account that you don’t touch so it’s there for your kids later on.

There's some great advice here, thank you. No. I'm estranged from my mum as she was not a great mum at all. I've had lots of therapy around my relationship with her. It's always been difficult (neglect, emotional abuse, chaos, enmeshment and other stuff) that is an aside

Asking to be disinherited will be like cutting a tie which feels like a relief.

I will also free me from feeling guilt and responsibility or be on the recieving end of potential accusations of being unfair to my mother by choosing not to see her.

This is about the will, not my mother btw.

My mother may have already chosen to disinherit me.

I just want to be able to let go and not have to face that when the time comes

My understanding is that no one is obliged to act as executor. If OP was appointed but stepped down, then remaining executor(s) could crack on without her. And if they chose to appoint a solicitor, then this cost would be borne by the estate, not OP

OP, you can't control whether your Mum appoints you as executor and / or appoints you as beneficiary. I suggest you sit tight and do nothing

In future, if you are appointed as executor, you can choose whether to act, or decline

And if you are beneficiary, you can choose whether to accept the bequest, donate to charity, pass on to your children, or decline

So do you want to be disinherited because you don’t want to be involved in caring for your mum?

If you're estranged from her, are you sure you're in the will anyway?

Do you want to be told when your mother passes away?

By asking to be disinherited you are drawing attention to yourself and this could evoke further unpleasant interactions with your sister and mother. Perhaps you want to do it as a way to illustrate to them how hurt you are and to demonstrate your need for separation from them ?

It would be emotionally less dramatic for you to just cut ties but not announce the fact. You can refuse any inheritance later on if it comes to it .