To asked to be removed from my mother's Will and be disinherited

[ElonsPsychic]

In 2014 my father passed away. Two days before his death, I had a phone call from my dad who was crying; he told me that my sister had been into his house, found his Will and opened it, gone to his care home and asked him if he wanted to change it. His property was split equally between us as well as a gift to a local charity and a friend.
My dad said he felt violated and was crying.

She phoned me two days later to say I should come because he was about to pass away. (I loved around 250 miles away.

I didn't get there in time but received the phonecall while I was at motorway services.

The following day I went to see his body and be with him. The hospice care nurse told me that she has called my sister at first thing..around 7am and told her to call me. My sister didn't call me until late morning.

If she had called me at 7am I would've got to say goodbye to him and be with him. I didn't get to say good bye to my father.

Lots of things have happened beyond this and we are now estranged.

I feel devastated, I loved my sister so much. I feel. After nearly three years of trying to move on I still find myself in a place of horrible sadness and grief.

I've spoken to various people and they've said this isn't uncommon in families when a parent dies, families get damaged.

When I expressed upset to my wider family, none of them seemed to see it as a problem or say very much.

I have chosen estrangement due to this and other things I can't come to terms with while still in contact with them

My mother is getting older and the thought of going through this again is just completely overwhelming, the thought of having to navigate any of her care or her will with my sister makes me feel dreadful.

I have thought about asking to be disinherited. Writing to them and saying please remove me as a benefactor from my mother's will (if I'm even on it anymore)

The thought of that and being able to feel free any future horrible feelings and ties gives me a sense of peace.

My sister is considerably more well off that I am, married and I am a single parent. I am however fairly okay and don't struggle financially at the moment and plan to ensure that I can manage to support myself and my child in the future.

It would feel like a release to have no ties in this way to them and it would protect my emotional and mental state which has been poor at times and is now better following estrangement.

Should I ask to be disinherited. I think it would involve a solicitors letter.

I've just read your posts so this may have been said - but if appointed as executor for your mother's will you can refuse to act and if she leaves you anything you dont want you can do a deed of variation and refuse it.

You have no need to do anything now, take your time.

What is your son grieving? Was there another bereavement recently?

What age is your son?

It seems like he's been pulled into something.

Hopefully he is an adult.
Unless he is in contact with them every day, then there's no need for all of this to be impacting him as much as it seems to be.

Why was your son listening into an extension phone in your mother's house, that just seems weird and over-invested in a family drama...

Sorry for the loss of your Dad OP 💐
I think it is very likely your Mother has already disinherited you and your son. I wouldn't encourage him to write to either of them again. It isnt worth the rejection he must feel. End the disfunction now.

@TheBayLady maybe try reading all of OP's posts before commenting, as a bare minimum!

The OP's mum absolutely does not require any sympathy.

You don't have to ask to be disinherited, you can be a beneficiary of a will without being involved with siblings.your mother may leave something for your child in her will

Sorry for your loss

Sometimes (quite often tbf) you read posts on here and think it'd be good to hear both sides...

I'm only pointing that out (ie that there are always two sides) because resolution in any conflict will always allude you if you can't accept your own part.

If you don't want any inheritance left to you, when your mum dies you can do a Deed of Variation and have your share left to whomever you want. Maybe you could be considering a charity that you would like to have it.

Be aware, though, that if you leave your share to a charity that could decrease the total of the estate by that sum and you might inadvertently reduce your family's Inheritance Tax liability, which you might not like if you are at odds with them! I'm not sure if that's the case if there's a Deed of Variation involved, rather than the money being left directly to the charity, but it would be easy to check.

I’m wondering if you’re wanting to disinherit yourself now in order to save the hurt later on if it turns out you have been disinherited anyway? This way you’re taking control yourself.

That makes complete sense to me.

You’re expecting to feel the soul-crushing pain of feeling unloved by your mother so rather than face that when she dies I feel that you’re attempting to avoid that by cutting yourself out first. That way you can tell yourself it was your decision and not something ‘done’ to you by your mum.

I may be completely wrong but it’s just something that struck me reading through.

In regards to your sister demanding your presents, with respect, that was down to your dad to say no to her.

I really hope you and your son find the healing and love you deserve 💐

Nothing like your situation OP but I have a very difficult relationship with my sister. The will stunt is exactly the sort of thing she would pull. She already has gone around claiming the valuable things in my parent's house, and they're not even what I'd class as elderly yet. She will be a nightmare when the awful day comes of having to deal with our beloved parents passing away. It's so sad because it's a time where you really need family, someone to find solace in, and for me it will be a battle. My parents know and have subtly tried to prep me by essentially telling me to just let her have whatever she wants and not fall out over it (which will be everything). I too would much rather they give it all away than have to deal with that situation. But I would never hurt my parents by asking them to disinherit me.

It's helped me to expect nothing and get my plan of action clear. I have identified the few very small battles I will pick (none of them concern inheritance, things like caring for pets / care home arrangements / so on). The rest I am prepared for her to scew me over with. It will be met with a smile and the knowledge that I am better than this. I will most likely never see her again afer we lose the older generation.

I don't think this will help you. And it may upset your Mum a great deal.

I wonder if you are grieving losing your father and are trying to get rid of the pain? I lost my Mum two years ago and find I'm now OK when at home but when I'm with Dad and he's ill, I find myself grieving again for Mum and almost grieving in advance for what other things will happen one day in my life, and I want to make it all better. I wonder if this is what you are trying to do? I'm reacting to the pain by being over protective of Dad, I think - although I don't see it as over reacting I see it as trying to keep him safe.

If you're already estranged, asking to be disinherited just seems like poking the bear.

You might already be anyway.

Honestly, don't create the drama. Just leave it.

It's not your choice to make. You'd be provoking her further. Just dont contact her. Just close your eyes and say I cut all karmic ties. You'll feel alot better.

@Kezabella84 yes, there is a bit of that. Also I feel that if I'm estranged I shouldn't receive any inheritance because I'm not attending to my mother. I feel guilty.

@Advice400 yep. There is that, I feel like I haven't got over losing my Dad. He dies really young. Early 60s and was in a good place in his life and our relationship we amazing and his relationship with my son was really lovely too. I feel like I don't want to face all that again. I don't have any kind of bond with my mother as it's not safe to bond with her really. Not emotionally. Sorry for your loss too.

Life doesn't leave much space for grief sometimes and it crashes in in strange ways. 🙏

@VampireWeekday that sounds hard. It's good your parents are aware. I wonder what makes people lose thier way like this.

Everything sunshine and rainbows said

Unless your mum lacks capacity it doesn't involve you doing anything.
I told my parents to leave whatever they had to my sister. Not for a bad reason, just I felt she needed it and I didn't.
All they did was go to the solicitor and have them change the will. They did ring me from the office to ask me if I was sure it's what I wanted but I think they didn't want the solicitor to judge them for taking me out of the will 🤣

I would take the power back by writing to the sister and saying given what happened with dad, and how important to you it turned out to be that you inherit everything, please arrange with mum to remove me from the will. I don't want to have to deal with that again. I'd rather you just have it all and be done with it.

@SloaneStreetVandal totally. I think about this a lot. How my mother and sisters perspectives have been. I do get it. My mother is a very damaged lady and I've been damaged too, and I'm healing. Im sure my sister in her own way is healing and I can see why she may have made the choices she did. I've not been an easy person either and I'm fully aware of this. There are some things that are difficult to resolve without willingness on both sides.

My sister isn't willing and that's her prerogative. At times I feel like I am in some way responsible for that but then I remember that the last conversation I had with my dad he was crying.

That the frames picture he wanted to be gifted to his best friend is hanging on her wall.

That she tried to get him to benefit her in his will and other people would lose out.

My mother has supported her in these things too.

Im not bitter. I was! It took years to feel any anger about it as I just pushed it down. Life had other challenges. I'm hurt, feel betrayed and confused. I also feel a huge sense of loss.

I don't want to go through those feelings ever again. There's been some good advice on here and Its helped me reflect and gain more insight into my thoughts and feelings.

Its definitely motivated by hurt, guilt avoidance, and some need to prove something.

@IncompleteSenten that's the sort of thing I'd do.my sister and her husband spent a year making snarky comments about me having an electrical item of my dad's. Let's say a toaster. They wanted it as it was a good brand.

If I'd known that every family get together would include a snide toaster remark I wouldn't have asked for it.

It didn't factor in thier minds that I was newly separated with a child and rebuilding having had to leave all the household items.

Sometimes I feel like wrapping the fucking thing up with all it's crumbs in it and sending it to them.

Literally have the lot. It's only things and money after all.

Human beings. We're a complicated mess aren't we. 🤷

Hey ho. Onwards and upwards

Maybe sometimes, but reading things like the OP’s mother pushed her down the stairs as a child and things like that doesn’t make me particularly keen to hear a child abusers side.

Yup.

Sometimes you just have to say fucking have it if it's that important to you.

You being the one to reject something stings them, even if they want it for themselves or want to take it away from you to punish you. I think it's the side of judgement telling them "take it if you need it so badly, I can provide for myself just fine (subtext unlike you, clearly)"comes with.

And because I'm a petty arsed bitch, that's worth more than an inheritance!

@Tillow4ever

Oh it wasn't as bad as it sounds as I managed to break the fall by grabbing hold of a railing. 🤷 Bless her she was a bit stressed and having a bad day.

Thanks for all advice. It's been like a therapy session. I'm laughing now and feel uplifted and clear headed on my decision. 🙏

@IncompleteSenten yep. Because beneath it all even at 48 years old im just an angry child curled up in a ball under the bed, wishing my mum would show me the attention my sister got. That's the truth of it.

It is what it is!

I fell out very badly with my sister. I did some counselling, which made me realise that I needed to erect boundaries around the (lack of) relationship. We keep a lot of distance now and whilst that’s better in lots of ways there’s still that grief. So I totally get why you feel the way you do. The lack of parental boundaries around her behaviour when asking for your presents and your Dad/your acceptance of this must have made you feel absolutely second best, and this is probably what's driving your thoughts over the will. You probably don’t want to be let down that final time. She sounds so grabby and entitled.

My counselling showed me that people don’t change but you need to have that acceptance and realise it has nothing to do with your worth. It’s their behaviour, their choices and they have to own it, but it doesn’t reflect on you. It’s totally up to you how you manage that, that’s all you have control of. With me I’ve kept my distance without getting involved in the drama that my sister enjoys. I’ve concentrated on the things in my life that are brilliant, and there are many, and I’ve kept distracted and busy. I’ll never not be sad about what happened in my family (which ultimately was caused by my sister contravening some quite important boundaries, and not accepting the consequences of that) but I can manage it now without anger and some acceptance.

Legally I wouldn’t step back, why should she always get everything? But I’d certainly do more work to try to find acceptance of what’s happened so far, and what might happen in the will. She can only be intimidating and grabby if you feel small. Work on that. You can do it.