To asked to be removed from my mother's Will and be disinherited

[ElonsPsychic]

In 2014 my father passed away. Two days before his death, I had a phone call from my dad who was crying; he told me that my sister had been into his house, found his Will and opened it, gone to his care home and asked him if he wanted to change it. His property was split equally between us as well as a gift to a local charity and a friend.
My dad said he felt violated and was crying.

She phoned me two days later to say I should come because he was about to pass away. (I loved around 250 miles away.

I didn't get there in time but received the phonecall while I was at motorway services.

The following day I went to see his body and be with him. The hospice care nurse told me that she has called my sister at first thing..around 7am and told her to call me. My sister didn't call me until late morning.

If she had called me at 7am I would've got to say goodbye to him and be with him. I didn't get to say good bye to my father.

Lots of things have happened beyond this and we are now estranged.

I feel devastated, I loved my sister so much. I feel. After nearly three years of trying to move on I still find myself in a place of horrible sadness and grief.

I've spoken to various people and they've said this isn't uncommon in families when a parent dies, families get damaged.

When I expressed upset to my wider family, none of them seemed to see it as a problem or say very much.

I have chosen estrangement due to this and other things I can't come to terms with while still in contact with them

My mother is getting older and the thought of going through this again is just completely overwhelming, the thought of having to navigate any of her care or her will with my sister makes me feel dreadful.

I have thought about asking to be disinherited. Writing to them and saying please remove me as a benefactor from my mother's will (if I'm even on it anymore)

The thought of that and being able to feel free any future horrible feelings and ties gives me a sense of peace.

My sister is considerably more well off that I am, married and I am a single parent. I am however fairly okay and don't struggle financially at the moment and plan to ensure that I can manage to support myself and my child in the future.

It would feel like a release to have no ties in this way to them and it would protect my emotional and mental state which has been poor at times and is now better following estrangement.

Should I ask to be disinherited. I think it would involve a solicitors letter.

@ElonsPsychic Gently, you're pushing for a reaction. Don't.

Your sister didn't call you at the right time, and you still feel angry about it. That's understandable. There is no timeline for grief, but with this still badly affecting you ten years on, I'd strongly recommend counselling so you have a safe space to work through all those big emotions. I'm not saying this to suggest you're not coping as well as you should - I'm saying this because sometimes we all need a bit of outside perspective, and frankly, therapy should be more common in this country. It's really, really helpful.

Your mum and sister aren't good to you, and you don't see them. They've probably cut you out of whatever wills they both have - you probably weren't even in there in the first place.

If you end up with a legacy you don't want, you can always donate it to a charity. You don't have to keep the money if it feels like it carries some kind of emotion you don't want.

If you're appointed executor, you can step down. You don't have to accept it.

If a hospital calls and says any decisions fall to you as next of kin, you can say no, they don't, as you no longer have a relationship with that person.

So, to get the outcome you really want - no more dealings with these people and no drama - you do nothing. You do nothing and you're free!

I think you want something symbolic to mark ending things, and I can understand that. However, it doesn't have to involve poking the bear. You could write something and tear it up or burn it - you could create your own gesture to let go that doesn't involve talking to them.

Have a think about what would resonate, but I do think you need your own little ceremony not involving anyone else, and then you can feel like you've let go of this burden.

I'm so sorry for your loss, by the way. Time never makes it hurt any less.

@PerfectTravelTote yep. I think if I'm honest part of it is wanting to prove something. You're right. Moving on quietly Is most peaceful.

@ElonsPsychic

Being emotionally distressed due to grief is entirely reasonable.

Disinheriting yourself causing endless unnecessary drama and financially disadvantaging your son is unreasonable (as you can see from the poll).

Where there are assets, everyone has to go through difficult times with family post bereavement, dealing with the legal aspects.

Genuinely, I think you are going to cause more problems for yourself and your son by choosing to disinherit yourself and ruminating over your mother’s potential death when she is perfectly fit and healthy is not good for you either.

Receiving a payment from your mums will doesn’t mean you speak to family.
I suggest Counseling as soon as you can it will help you get over what happened , but also prepare you for when the time comes and your mum passes. This way you will
be stronger and ready to Stand up to your sister.

My advice is always speak to healthcare professionals tell then you need called separately as you live miles away and ask then always to call you with information and not just your sister . They have seen and herd it all before .

This is your mums choice not your greedy selfish sisters . Also don’t you want your Dd to have a better start to life . Don’t let any family members take that away from you, your mum, and especially your Dd. .

You know immediately when someone starts a paragraph or sentence with 'in the kindest possible way' or they're saying something 'gently' that they're about to something pretty awful. Never gentle or kind 🤨

You can refuse an inheritance after the fact & you can do that without worrying about it now. Just find out how to refuse it in case you need to later

I don't know if anyone has said this OP but from what I can gather why do anything at all? Cut them off and if someone comes to you in the future then take the money! You don't have to be in any context with your sister - now or then.

In any event wishing you peace. Sounds like a very hard set of relationships.

@Justkeeepswimming you're completely right! It's like tripping back into a hole again. I'm out now and this thread and the wisdom on it has helped. Onward and upward.

To be fair to the previous poster, OP, medication can take the edge off grief and difficult emotions when it is ongoing. I'm not suggesting trying to medicate anything away, but my doctor pushed it at me when my daughter died. I didn't take it at the time but it was a godsend a few years later when prolonged stress was taking it's toll. It can be a helpful temporary took sometimes.

I went NC with my parents and siblings due to past abuse, the way I was spoken about to other ( nice) relatives that really upset them and I didn’t want my dc influenced by them in any way.
My parents died within 12 weeks of each other. I was informed of the first death and date of the funeral, wasn’t told anything of the second.
Later I obtained copies of their Wills ( they become public documents after Probate) and they were written as if I and my kids didn’t exist.

In your place now I think you’ve done enough going NC. Saying anything about a Will which will only activate in the future gives fuel to your mother and sister to slag you off, even write something nasty in a Will. You’re ignoring them so keep ignoring.

Your sister not calling you was awful, a horrible thing to do. Ignore them, keep your dignity. If you are contacted when your mother dies you act as you think best. But that’s for the future, don’t make any hasty decisions now.
You can always give any money to a charity but be prepared for being written out of their history.

be prepared for being written out of their history.

This OP. My DH, who is estranged from his parents, found he had his entire adult life written out of his parent's funeral. In the slide show there was nothing of his family by marriage (his other sibling had the same fate) and it was all about the golden child and golden grandchildren. He was quite hurt by this and doesn't plan to go to the funeral of his other parent when the time comes. Whether he is disinherited or not, time will tell. He will certainly know where he stands when that will is read out. I will be so hurt for him if they have cut him out (erased him). The estrangement wasn't his doing.

It's been said already but disinheriting yourself will cause drama and is just not a sensible thing to do. You don't even know if you're in the will, so making a big thing about not being part of it won't reflect well on you.

Just get on with life. I do know what it's like to be in your position, to some extent, and you have my sympathy. It's so tempting to say 'f* you all' and walk away from emotionally neglectful/damaging/narcissistic families. I've distanced myself rather than gone full nuclear and it sounds like that's what you're doing too. I think it's the best approach.

You’ll be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you do this. When I inherited from my grandma, a cheque from the solicitor just arrived in the post.

I agree @SunshineAndRainbowsToday

I suffered a number of bereavements in close succession, and needed medication to help me sleep and to stop heart palpitations. Friends have benefitted from antidepressants for a period after losing a parent. There’s no shame in it.

As rubbish as it was that your sister didn’t call you, and that your mother wasn’t the best. It does sound like a bit of transference going on, like you’re so bereft and angry about losing your father it is all getting projected onto the relationship with your sister, which isn’t that significant as you live 250 miles away from her.

As has been said, please don’t engage with toxic people, they are like bullies and only want attention. Leave things as they are.

It's not okay to call somebody "unstable" because they are upset about something.
As for the root cause of OP's son's sadness, you actually don't know. Perhaps he really loves his aunt. What you're essentially saying is "stop feeling right now, you're damaging your son" which doesn't strike me as as healthy as you seem to think it is.

I wouldn't bother formally asking to be disinherited. When the time comes, donate your share to a charity of your choice, making it public if you want your sister to be aware of it.

If you find out you've already been cut out of the will, won't that cause more hurt?

Condolences on the loss of your dad.

@Lassiata

I didn’t say she was unstable overall, but in relation to this issue when you read all of her posts one after the other, it is very intense, very depressive and very clear that it is destabilising her life.

Plenty of people grow up with only their Mum or limited family. Her son is upset because of having “no family”, perhaps conjecture, but if OP is talking about the family situation or if he is aware of the discordance and how it’s impacting his Mum it’s fair to say that could lead to him developing more distraught feelings than if Mum was carefree and happy with being dissociated from sister, Grandma and the rest.

Ultimately the problem is the toxic relations, their behaviour and not OP, but it is very difficult for other family members not to absorb the mental health problems of those they live with.

I don’t think you should stress about this. You may not even still be in your mums’ will, in which case problem solved. If you are, you can always choose not to engage when the time comes if it looks as though there will be hassle from your sister. The process would be easier if your mums’ will is lodged with a solicitor or her bank - somewhere where it can’t be accessed by your sister - and if someone impartial was appointed as executor.

There may not be any money left if mum needs care. Don't ask to be disinherited, if there is money or property then your dad contributed to that and he would have wanted you to benefit. You could just go nc, accept a cheque, think of a way your dad would like you to spend it, donate to his chosen charity and know you will never have too see your mum or sister again.

@SunshineAndRainbowsToday

I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes, I can see how medication could help.

And your DP. Gosh, that's a lot to deal with, he must've felt awful, I can't imagine. It's extraordinary how some people behave. I think everyone feels they're in the right to do as they do and gets stuck in their stories.

@Justkeeepswimming eh, no. I'm not projecting my grief onto my sister.

She took an active role in me having little or no contact with my dad before he passed and upset him by trying to change the will. I loved her, and felt that we would be united and go through it together. Physical distance in miles has no bearing on how close you are to someone; emotionally.

I really loved her. Our children were close, we laughed.

I don't entirely blame her. We grew up in such a deficit of affection, nurture and care that she has grasped at whatever she could grasp at. She's been quite successful at it but it's come at the cost of other peoples wellbeing. Including mine, and my Dad's.

I don't wholly blame her for this strategy, the world is put together in a way that drives people to prioritise themselves at the expense of other people.

It is what it is. It just hurts. It hurts because I love her. I loved my Dad too. There just wasn't enough love to go around.

I'm not going to disinherit myself. Just going to disengage from it all as people have suggested. It doesn't matter either way.

I believe you're allowed to step away as an executor of your mother's will. It would probably be easier for everyone if you did it that way. Your sister can sort it out, and then you'll receive a payment at the end of it all. You can put that money in an account for your child if you don't want anything to do with it yourself.

To use your term, 'disengaging' is the way forward. Sorry for all the hurt, OP.

@Justkeeepswimming I don't have mental health problem.

I am grieving and upset because I've lost my dad and my sister.

There's a possibility you might trying to push my buttons now which isn't very kind; so I'll go and we can get on with our day.

Thanks for all the wise advice and insights I've had from people here. It's really helped.

Following this thread for advice as I'm in a similar situation.

You've overthought it all, and are clearly still very bitter towards your sister. It seems you think that asking to be removed (from the will) will 'force' your Sister/Mum to grasp the gravity of your bitterness/hurt. It won't though, in the same way your estrangement choice didn't.

You don't mention at all how your Mum might feel about the situation (which is of your own doing; you chose estrangement); honestly I think your outlook sounds really quite egocentric. Telling your Mum to remove you from her will is very cold.

If you chose estrangement to 'show them' (hoping they'd beg forgiveness), well it didn't work eh. So now you need to find a way of owning, and making peace with, your choice and moving on. A life lesson learnt perhaps that you can't control the behaviour of others. And that goes for the feelings of others too; you can't control that. You can't guilt people round to your way of thinking.