Is my friend BU with her will?

[Thunderfeelthethunder]

My friend has been sorting out her will and I think she’s being unreasonable about it.

She’s got three adult children. One of them has one child, another has three children, and the third adult doesn’t have kids (not through choice). She thinks it’s unlikely any of them will have more children in the future.

She plans to split whatever she’s got equally into seven, so each of her children and each of her grandchildren get an equal amount. Say it’s £10k each. That means the adult-child with three children will inherit so much more than the childless one.

If I were one of her children, I’d be upset by the perceived unfairness. Am I being overly sensitive to worry about the childless kid losing out?

In our family, one sibling has four children, one has two and one has one. If our parents want to leave something to each grandchild, none would begrudge that at all. We would recognise that our parents are acknowledging that the grandchildren are part of their family and wanted to honour this.

I voted that YANBU although I acknowledge that it's your friend's business not yours. I think what the friend intends is unfair. Her children who have the most children are being rewarded because they chose to have more kids. I feel sorry for the one who couldn't have any. I know pp have said that it doesn't matter because everyone gets the same, but the fact is that more of the inheritance is going to one child and her descendants.

I have been in a similar situation, but it was a relatives estate that my parents had inherited. My sibling has 5 children and I have 2. It just seemed unfair that I would have less because my sibling had chosen to have more children. In the end my parents decided against it and in any case they died before anything was done, in their own wills they left everything equally between their children which I thought was fair. Beneficiaries can then look after their own children.

I have now written my will and have left my estate equally between my children - who knows what will happen in the future, but your will is the last message you give your children and if it's not equal or fair then the ones inheriting the least will feel they weren't valued. People should not be valued on how much offspring they have.

That means the adult-child with three children will inherit so much more than the childless one.

If the children are being left the money - then how can the adult who is getting an equal 7th be receiving more money?

Obviously it’s up to her. Perhaps a fairer way would be to leave her children a larger amount. So 20k each and divide up the remainder between grandchildren.

But the childless individual hasn’t lost out. The money has been given to the grandchildren, not to the children. If the childless individual has a child then they will likely see a change of will, however, this isn’t a case of family vs family - it’s about seven individuals who are all getting an equal share. What should she do, give extra to the childless individual just in case? Then the other siblings might kick off because they’ve got more.

Theres no way to make everybody happy, so the best this the will maker can do is what they feel is best. They feel like this is fairest and that decision should be respected.

I think the point this doesn’t address though is what happens if more children do appear. It isn’t unheard off for women to have children much later in life- and some don’t want to discuss fertility issues or plans to conceive with family.

As long as with this model you accept that any future grandchild will be heavily disadvantaged that is fine. But this point must be acknowledged.

I realised that I cross-posted with Itslegitimatesalvage in recalling the thread about the grandchildren's inheritance left for private education!

Here's the original thread:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3493851-AIBU-to-my-sister-over-inheritance

Why does it have to seem fair? It's a will, what and how the person dying wants done with their estate.

What seems fair to one person might not seem fair to another. As in this case, everyone in the family getting an equal share (it could be written in to the will to share it 8 or 9 ways if more children appear) - seems everyone in the family is treated the same. This doesn't seem fair to others though, who think the older generation named in the will should get a larger amount, so unequal amounts to make things fair.

The children are hardly going to hand the money up to their parents though. They will keep it towards their first car/ travel/ towards a deposit. My friend bought himself a beautiful watch with the money his grandfather left him.

I might be slightly fairer if the children got a larger portion than the grandchildren. She wants to pass on something directly to her grandchildren

But by the same token you could argue that any current grandchildren are being disadvantaged if you split it equally between the kids? Because if you do that then the grandchildren miss out on the share they would get if it was simply divided between individuals - they each get a smaller chunk that way. So if the will maker is content that the grandchildren might miss out if the childless individual doesn’t have children then that’s up to them.

Thats my point, there’s no fair way doing it by everyone. So the will maker has to decide what they think is best, and this is what has happened in this case.

@PattyCakePattyCake Thats a good point. I know a family whereby the money was split 50:50. However, sibling one decide to give each of their two children (ie. Grandchildren) some money towards a house deposit. Sibling two used the money to move house, go on holidays etc. Therefore, you could argue that sibling two’s children missed out on ‘their inheritance’, especially if further down the line, their parents money is all spent on care home fees etc.

You can't assume that, though. If the children know that their parent is seriously struggling for money and/or the parent emotionally blackmails them about 'doing the right thing', it could well happen.

@FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper true you don't know what they are like. Hopefully the parent's aren't arse holes and let the kids do with their money as they wish.

Her life, her money, her CHOICE!!!

Personally I find it a bit odd, but people are odd and it's her money to do with as she pleases. When my nan died everything was split evenly between her 3 kids (my mum and aunties) it was then down to the respective parent to give any of that to their own kids.

Whenever people say "what about unborn grandchildren" - well, they won't have ever met or had a relationship with the person who died so why should they get any money?

My parents are leaving lump sums to the 3 GDC then splitting the rest between me and my sibling. Because they are very close and love their GDC and want to leave them something in their own right.

Same with MIL. As time has gone by she has gradually given more to our DC (into their savings account) and has now replaced DH as a beneficiary for something with our 2 DC. Because she loves them and wants THEM to have the money.

I have no more right to my parents money than anyone else. Its their choice who they give it to.

DH its a bit different as French law deicdes a certain % must be given (equally) to children. Hence why MIL is finding ways round it with savings accounts now.

My dpil have chosen to bypass their dc and leave everything to their dgc equally (all of their dc have kids). Some of the families involved have more dgc than others but each individual will receive the same amount. They are concerned that in some cases the money wouldn’t reach the dgc if left directly to the dc. It’s not how I would choose to do it but I agree that it’s fair, although I wouldn’t comment either way as it’s not my business.

If someone leaves money to a close friend in their will is that unfair cos the children inherit less?

Surely you leave your money to people you love and have a close relationship to. Whether DC, GDC, a friend, cousin, whatever

Not where wills are concerned no.
It is absolutely their right to do what they want with their money!

I don’t get why this is wrong?

Is the issue that the GC are still children and therefore the inheritance for them will essentially go to their parents? Surely there will be some sort of protection in place to ensure the money is kept aside for any child who is under 18?

People go nuts when an inheritance is available. So no, everyone won’t be happy, but it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. She has 7 direct descendants and she is giving a portion to each.

Her money, her choice.
Her decision is not the one I'd choose but it's up to her.
It might cause some ructions but the only major problem would be if any more grandchildren come into the family between writing the will and her dying.
But ultimately it isn't any of your businesses.

Of course YABU @Thunderfeelthethunder Are you the 'childless kid?' (your words not mine.......) Sounds like it to me, because why on earth would you 'worry' about this random person?

For me, it's not so much about receiving the same amount as a sibling or not. I mean, if my two siblings and I all receive the same amount but the bulk of inheritance has gone to a charity I'd be happy. Whereas if my two siblings and I receive the same amount but my sibling's children have received something similar then I'd be hurt, because my sibling benefits from her children receiving the money therefore sibling is favoured in the inheritance split. But that's because in our family parent and children are considered one family unit, in other families it's different. When making her will my mother took the approach that her money is for her own children, and it's for my sibling to share or leave whatever they want for their own children. But each to their own, as I said in my first comment.

If she is giving it to grandchildren directly then it's okish. If it is to the children then it is unfair. Obviously she can do what she wants but I do think it would be unfair.

My DH nan did this. Split it all equally between her 4 children and many grandchildren. I think it was a really nice way to do it actually. It made a difference to more people’s lives this way!