Removed from social group chat

[Onebabygirl]

Last year my friends and family set up a WhatsApp group chat to arrange a ladies day at the races. Fast forward to this year and I am trying to organise a similar get together. “A” can’t make it due to ill health, and she clearly stated that I should go ahead with making plans without her. I used the old group chat as a template because the majority of people were already included on it. I changed the title/subject of the group, removed A and added a couple of extra people. I then received a shirty message from A asking why she had been removed. I explained that as she wasn’t able to come to the event I thought she wouldn’t want to receive loads of messages going back and forth while we decided on a date, and also I felt it would be insensitive for her to listen to us all getting excited and making arrangements for a fun day out, knowing that she wouldn’t be joining us. She says she is able to make her own decisions and was perfectly capable of removing herself from the group if she didn’t want to be part of it and that I shouldn’t have just removed her. Was I being unfair by removing her?

I guess you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t in this scenario
Just apologise, stick her back on, so she can remove herself!!

Yeah that’s what I would have done - and probably offended A - can’t do right for doing wrong sometimes!

I wouldn't have like being removed from the group but wouldn't have said anything. Honestly I would have just annoyed dp for days asking if he thought I had upset anyone and panicking through every conversation I have ever had to try and work it out. Yes, I know this is not a normal reaction.

I don't think you did anything wrong really but I would have left her in and let her decide if she wants to come out or not. She may have liked seeing the pictures shared of you all etc. Just add her back in and apologise for the misunderstanding.

I think you should have created a new group really, if that one was still active.

If it wasn't though then fine

I don't think you did anything wrong. But also I am one of those people that you know will not come but I like to be invited anyway just so I know you thought of me.

New group or let her leave under her own steam. However best to apologise as she’s taken being removed personally.

New group or let her decide. It was prob a bit rude to just remove her from a previous group.

Always create a new chat in these circumstances. Never go down the path of removing someone especially if you haven't warned them about the plan to remove them.

God she sounds hard work and must live a charmed life if this upsets her. YANBU OP.

Among my friends it would be perfectly normal to remove someone if they'd said they couldn't come. But as she's cross about it, I guess it's easy enough for you to add her back.

Always start a new group for stuff like this. I often stay in old dead chats so I can scroll back up and read through the excitement again. I have memory problems and it helps me remember the good times I've had. Kicking me out the group would feel like robbing those memories.

People are able to remove themselves if they want to - removing should only be done when a chat is still active and someone is disruptive and ruining it for everyone else.

https://debretts.com/the-wonderful-world-of-whatsapp-chats/

Reading between lines here, you should have included A until she chose to leave…

I don’t think you were being unreasonable. However as you have accidentally hurt her feelings I think you should apologise. These things are hard to navigate - damned if you do and damned if you don’t!

I think you weren’t being unreasonable but you shouldn’t have removed her. She should have had the opportunity to remove herself but also it’s petty af and she needs to get over herself.

so all in all, I can see why she’s upset but think she needs to get a grip

I personally think it was abit rude to remove her from the group without asking her first, so I can see why she got abit miffed tbh. I'm not going to my SILs Hen do but I'm still part of the group chat, however I'm considering removing myself from it as the updates are annoying lol.

I'm with your friend.
You should either have set up a new group or revived the old one and started by saying "Sadly Anne can't make it this year but suggested we go ahead anyway. I'm starting with the people who are in this group from last year. Obviously understand if anyone who can't make it wants to leave, or to stay, as suits you"
Then, next post puts in whatever information you are giving, or whatever question you want answering.

I think creating a new group would have been better tbh.

Totally understand your thinking and may have done the same myself. But on reflection, removing someone without telling them first (and giving them the chance to say - no, leave me in, I like hearing you all plan) seems prone to misunderstanding and feelings of being excluded.

New group all day long, seriously OP. A woman who was admin of our (very small) NCT group decided to have a huge drunken go at me at the wedding of another couple in the group. Slung all sorts of mud at me, so drunk she could barely stand.

That was bad enough but it was the removing me and my husband from the NCT whatsapp group that really fucking pissed me off. Just start a new group, SRSLY. So unnecessarily aggressive.

I would just apologise and not overthink it

She is not going but probably still wanted to know what was going on but how were you to know that
She does sound like hard work

I wouldn't have just assumed anyone would be ok with being removed from a group chat. I'm in a small one and when we're arranging things not everyone is going to we usually just ask the others not part of plans if they'd prefer us to create a separate one and they always say no because even though they aren't taking part in the activity they often have good advise or bargains they may have seen see to help us.

I can see why your friend was hurt at just being removed without a heads up.

I guess it depends tbh. You say the old group was set up for a specific day at the races last year. If so and the group chat had long since tailed off then I don't think you were being unreasonable. But if the group was still being used for continuous chat then you were being unreasonable for removing her.

I think to play it safe, just set up a fresh group and specifically name it for the event then there can be no ambiguity.

It's also helpful to be able search the chat to find previous venues or hotels or links that you may want to use again in future but can't remember the name of.

New group - or - lay out the new event in an opening message and say if anyone wants to remove themselves, feel free.

then you haven’t acted on her behalf and have still allowed her free choice

Ok, thanks for all your responses. I take on board that I should have maybe asked first but it kind of seemed like a no-brainer - she’s not coming to the event so didn’t need to be part of the plans. But I appreciate I’m seeing this from my point of view as I hate when my phone constantly pings with irrelevant (to me) messages. As others have said, I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t, and this is just another for instance in a long list of this person being seriously hard work and finding offense with anything and everything. (For example, she’s offended we’re even making these plans for this year when we could have/should have made them last year before she was too ill to come! - long term illness so no guarantees that she would have been able to make it last year either 🤷🏻‍♀️).