Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Removed from social group chat

98 replies

Onebabygirl · 29/01/2024 22:12

Last year my friends and family set up a WhatsApp group chat to arrange a ladies day at the races. Fast forward to this year and I am trying to organise a similar get together. “A” can’t make it due to ill health, and she clearly stated that I should go ahead with making plans without her. I used the old group chat as a template because the majority of people were already included on it. I changed the title/subject of the group, removed A and added a couple of extra people. I then received a shirty message from A asking why she had been removed. I explained that as she wasn’t able to come to the event I thought she wouldn’t want to receive loads of messages going back and forth while we decided on a date, and also I felt it would be insensitive for her to listen to us all getting excited and making arrangements for a fun day out, knowing that she wouldn’t be joining us. She says she is able to make her own decisions and was perfectly capable of removing herself from the group if she didn’t want to be part of it and that I shouldn’t have just removed her. Was I being unfair by removing her?

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 30/01/2024 10:25

icallitasplodge · 30/01/2024 10:06

I really hate when people respond like this, it’s very low key manipulative.

if your action makes someone feel hurt, apologise and make it right. Don’t blame the other person for feeling entirely legitimate feelings. It’s not their fault you behaved badly.

Show quote history

No, what's manipulative is blaming your feelings on other people and demanding that they 'make it right' when they had no intention of hurting you and they believed what they did is perfectly unreasonable. It's guilt-trippy and incredibly self-centred to expect everyone else to dance to your emotional tune like that.

Obviously, there are times in life when people inadvertently hit a nerve without intending to, but a functional adult should be able to deal with that without throwing a tantrum and should be able to accept that sometimes, people will accidentally hurt you with zero intent and that it's not fair to react as if they've stamped on your cat.

Of course people can't help feeling the way they feel. They absolutely can, however, be proportionate and reasonable in the way they handle and express those feelings and accept that sometimes, they way they feel might be their problem and not anyone else's and that not everything is about them all the fucking time.

Hmmmmaybe · 30/01/2024 10:26

You should have set up a new group - what if she wanted to message the old group for some reason

but it is a total and utter non issue and she is being batshit for being upset about it

nosleepforme · 30/01/2024 10:28

KreedKafer · 30/01/2024 10:25

No, what's manipulative is blaming your feelings on other people and demanding that they 'make it right' when they had no intention of hurting you and they believed what they did is perfectly unreasonable. It's guilt-trippy and incredibly self-centred to expect everyone else to dance to your emotional tune like that.

Obviously, there are times in life when people inadvertently hit a nerve without intending to, but a functional adult should be able to deal with that without throwing a tantrum and should be able to accept that sometimes, people will accidentally hurt you with zero intent and that it's not fair to react as if they've stamped on your cat.

Of course people can't help feeling the way they feel. They absolutely can, however, be proportionate and reasonable in the way they handle and express those feelings and accept that sometimes, they way they feel might be their problem and not anyone else's and that not everything is about them all the fucking time.

Show quote history

Sorry, but that’s pathetic. No one threw a tantrum. The friend was removed from a friends and family group with no explanation. She reached out to ask why. That’s no big deal.

and yes, in this case, the op should make things right - it’s not that hard to go “whoops! Thought the messages would annoy you, didn’t mean to upset you” and add her back on.

it’s only a big deal if you make it a big deal

Goblinmodeactivated · 30/01/2024 10:31

Can see both sides, getting removed can seem or be perceived as you being out of the group altogether (seen that happen) but equally if the purpose of the group chat was purely to arrange, then she didn’t need to be in it. Prob err on side of caution in future, WhatsApp politics is a minefield!

KreedKafer · 30/01/2024 10:31

nosleepforme · 30/01/2024 10:23

But it’s not solely for this event! It’s an existing group for friends and family!!

Show quote history

Last year my friends and family set up a WhatsApp group chat to arrange a ladies day at the races

It was originally set up specifically to make an arrangements for an event, and was then resurrected for a different event, so it's not just a general chat group. It was set up just for that event and only included the people who were going to that event. Presumably the OP has other friends and family who were never in the group because they weren't going the races with her last year.

icallitasplodge · 30/01/2024 10:34

KreedKafer · 30/01/2024 10:25

No, what's manipulative is blaming your feelings on other people and demanding that they 'make it right' when they had no intention of hurting you and they believed what they did is perfectly unreasonable. It's guilt-trippy and incredibly self-centred to expect everyone else to dance to your emotional tune like that.

Obviously, there are times in life when people inadvertently hit a nerve without intending to, but a functional adult should be able to deal with that without throwing a tantrum and should be able to accept that sometimes, people will accidentally hurt you with zero intent and that it's not fair to react as if they've stamped on your cat.

Of course people can't help feeling the way they feel. They absolutely can, however, be proportionate and reasonable in the way they handle and express those feelings and accept that sometimes, they way they feel might be their problem and not anyone else's and that not everything is about them all the fucking time.

Show quote history

Again, I’m reading all these words when one would do.

sorry

betterangels · 30/01/2024 10:55

icallitasplodge · 30/01/2024 10:06

I really hate when people respond like this, it’s very low key manipulative.

if your action makes someone feel hurt, apologise and make it right. Don’t blame the other person for feeling entirely legitimate feelings. It’s not their fault you behaved badly.

Show quote history

Not even lowkey.

Cheesyfootballs01 · 30/01/2024 11:00

You were definitely in the wrong- plus you don’t sound bothered at all.

It’s not your place to remove her from an established group chat that she probably wanted to keep to look back on.

Plus they may have chatted about other things on there….

Very out of order from you OP.

icallitasplodge · 30/01/2024 11:03

The intent part here is important too. A lot of shitty things happen without the intent for them to turn out shitty. People need to look at the outcome of their actions rather than how they intended the outcome to be. If someone is hurt, that’s the only outcome regardless of the intent - deal with the reality of what’s happened and just say sorry. Rather than blame the other person who has no idea of your intent at all. not everything is about you is a comforting distraction from looking at your own behaviour and considering what you could have done better.

MayThe4th · 30/01/2024 11:07

KreedKafer · 30/01/2024 10:25

No, what's manipulative is blaming your feelings on other people and demanding that they 'make it right' when they had no intention of hurting you and they believed what they did is perfectly unreasonable. It's guilt-trippy and incredibly self-centred to expect everyone else to dance to your emotional tune like that.

Obviously, there are times in life when people inadvertently hit a nerve without intending to, but a functional adult should be able to deal with that without throwing a tantrum and should be able to accept that sometimes, people will accidentally hurt you with zero intent and that it's not fair to react as if they've stamped on your cat.

Of course people can't help feeling the way they feel. They absolutely can, however, be proportionate and reasonable in the way they handle and express those feelings and accept that sometimes, they way they feel might be their problem and not anyone else's and that not everything is about them all the fucking time.

Show quote history

Chriky. Having a bad day there?

Original poster
Onebabygirl · 30/01/2024 11:12

Thanks all. Seems opinions are divided and I can now totally see it from the other side so will add her back on to old group and set up a new group (which seems pointless as she will know that there’s a new chat going on that she’s not a part of). But to clear up a few points that have been raised - it was a dormant group and literally used last year to get an idea of who was coming, and making travel arrangements. No photos added or contacts / links that she would miss having access to. She’s family so is in various other group chats with us all so certainly not going to be missed out of future events or forgotten about. I still feel it is a damned if you do/don’t situation because based on past experience I’d have probably been accused of rubbing her nose in it if I’d left her in the group, so I really was trying to save her feelings. She already knows she missing out (even though options were given to her which would have accommodated her) so I didn’t want her to feel even more left out by hearing all the arrangements being made without her being involved. I accept now that was not my call to make.

OP posts:
Jelouscat · 30/01/2024 11:27

Yeah I think the etiquette here would be to set up a new group titled whatever you are planning and keep her in the old group for general chat, asking about availability for other events etc. Regardless of your intentions it still feels shitty to be removed from a group, particularly if you are already feeling miserable about your reasons for not being able to attend.

burnoutbabe · 30/01/2024 11:29

Yes best solution.

Re-add her svd say sorry

Set up new group for this event.

Iamhappy10QLord · 30/01/2024 11:48

OP, from your 1st post, you explained to her your reasons for removing her from the group and she still said you shouldn't have removed her.

So why start a new group after you add her back to the old group (a group where you have already added new people)?

I am not getting that your reasons are solely because you didn't want her bombarded by 'unwanted' messages.

daffodilesque · 30/01/2024 11:50

Whilst your intentions were fine, I'd be a bit more on her side with this. Up to her to remove herself or mute the group.

2Rebecca · 30/01/2024 12:12

In future make a new WhatsApp group and just add the people who are definitely going to the event and leave the old one for other chats. I think for event related groups it's best to just have participants so people who aren't going can't chip in suggestions that don't affect them and confuse things

DominiqueBernard · 30/01/2024 12:14

Good grief you did her a favour. Some people (not you OP) are VU.

CherryBlossom321 · 30/01/2024 12:46

Onebabygirl · 30/01/2024 11:12

Thanks all. Seems opinions are divided and I can now totally see it from the other side so will add her back on to old group and set up a new group (which seems pointless as she will know that there’s a new chat going on that she’s not a part of). But to clear up a few points that have been raised - it was a dormant group and literally used last year to get an idea of who was coming, and making travel arrangements. No photos added or contacts / links that she would miss having access to. She’s family so is in various other group chats with us all so certainly not going to be missed out of future events or forgotten about. I still feel it is a damned if you do/don’t situation because based on past experience I’d have probably been accused of rubbing her nose in it if I’d left her in the group, so I really was trying to save her feelings. She already knows she missing out (even though options were given to her which would have accommodated her) so I didn’t want her to feel even more left out by hearing all the arrangements being made without her being involved. I accept now that was not my call to make.

From what you’ve said her based on you previous interactions with her, she would also have been upset if you’d not removed her. There are some genuinely difficult people to please. I agree with you - I wouldn’t sit around a table and discuss upcoming social events with a group if one of the group wasn’t going. That would seem unkind.

x2boys · 30/01/2024 12:54

This one of those can't do right for doing wrong scenarios
I have a main group chat with some friends and we all chat most days but we have lots of sub groups when it's someone ,s birthday or we are trying to arrange a night out etc it gets very finding and inevitably people end up getting unintentionally left out

afkonholidaynearleek · 30/01/2024 13:26

What a load of drama for nothing, ha! Sure, it feels unfriendly to be booted out of a group, but it's really not the end of the world. I wouldn't re-add her this year. If you go again next year then I'd re-add her then.

Islandgirl68 · 30/01/2024 21:29

YRNBU, you were being thoughtful. Nothing worse than your phone pinging loads with loads of messages that mean nothing to you.

Luckylu123 · 01/02/2024 01:17

You should have started a new group. New members can see the chat history - aside from awkwardness of removing people, old members may not be entirely comfortable with new members being able to look back on chat history and photos

LordSnot · 01/02/2024 01:27

It sounds like there's a history of drama with this relative and she quite enjoys playing the victim. Am I right?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page