Removed from social group chat

[Onebabygirl]

Last year my friends and family set up a WhatsApp group chat to arrange a ladies day at the races. Fast forward to this year and I am trying to organise a similar get together. “A” can’t make it due to ill health, and she clearly stated that I should go ahead with making plans without her. I used the old group chat as a template because the majority of people were already included on it. I changed the title/subject of the group, removed A and added a couple of extra people. I then received a shirty message from A asking why she had been removed. I explained that as she wasn’t able to come to the event I thought she wouldn’t want to receive loads of messages going back and forth while we decided on a date, and also I felt it would be insensitive for her to listen to us all getting excited and making arrangements for a fun day out, knowing that she wouldn’t be joining us. She says she is able to make her own decisions and was perfectly capable of removing herself from the group if she didn’t want to be part of it and that I shouldn’t have just removed her. Was I being unfair by removing her?

I wouldnt have removed her that seems really unkind. Its her decision to make if she leaves the group or mutes it.

You were rude and inconsiderate. Your friend will probably we upset that she can’t attend the event and you did this to
save 2 mins effort.

The etiquette is not to remove someone for such a reason, rather wait for them to leave or allow them to silence the group on their phone. As she said, it is her decision, and she’s right.
Removing someone can perceived as quite harsh, as if you’re removing them from the friend circle. Especially if the group is active!!

i Would be absolutely devastated if I was her.

if I was too ill to actually go, I would still want to listen to all the planning excitement and would excited for everyone who was going. To be kicked out of the group would make me feel so unimportant and like I wouldn’t actually be missed anyway!

I understand why your friend is upset, she should have had the agency to remove herself from the group. Whenever I'm unable to attend an event and multiple messages popping up is a likelihood, I simply mute until the event is over and check back sporadically. If a friend simply removed me without warning, I'd probably keep quiet but I'd inwardly feel hurt. I'd apologise and add her back in.

We have had a similar situation where a friend isn't coming on a trip. She wanted to remain on the general group, so we set a separate one for the trip as it wasn't appropriate for her to get loads of messages about it.

Removing someone from a social group sends a very clear message that they’re not wanted there.

I’m guessing that this isn’t.a group which has been dormant for the last year and you’ve only just started posting on again?

Also I think you’re being harsh re her being upset this wasn’t planned last year etc. While I agree that you can’t plan around her illness and that life does go on, I suspect having a serious long term illness has made her feel excluded from general life and things that she would love to be a part of but can’t. So many people with long-term illnesses feel their friends stepping back from them because they can’t participate in the same way any more, so a bit of understanding there wouldn’t go amiss.

If someone posted here that she was part of a group of friends who all had a social chat going and that she had been removed without warning the response would be that “these people aren’t your friends.”

Most people wouldn’t ask why they’d been removed. Most people would just step back from the friendship and assume that they were no longer part of the group.

With your update, OP, seems you don't actually like her. Maybe that influenced your decision?

You’ve been massively rude IMO.

Start a new group!

It seems we’re the minority, but I agree with you OP. Why would people want a stream of updates and notifications on an event they’re not attending? It seems unnecessary to me to start a whole new group when there’s just one person who’s not attending and can be quickly be removed. I’ve been removed from groups I’m no longer involved in, I was glad they saved me the bother.

When I was having cancer treatment I was also removed from a group and I can’t tell you how hurtful that was. When you have an illness you already feel differently from everybody else so that made me feel even worse

You’ve proven the point!
”why would anyone want” you can’t perceive why anyone would want to be part of the group, so you make the decision for them.
“Quickly be removed” Why would she need to be removed from your point of view? Why would it bother you if she’s on the group?

It wouldn’t “bother” me - I would intend to save the person from a pile of incoming information which is useless to them. We live in an age of information overload and it can get stressful. The OP is the admin, so it’s their call who is or isn’t in the group in my experience. It’s ok to have a different perception and disagree.

Yanbu I'd have removed her to. Makes no sense her staying.

When you have a long term health condition that stops you doing things you have enough choices taken out of your hands and I think you added to that feeling for her.

You just sound annoyed and like you don’t like her very much. It would have been polite to ask her or let her decide, rather than decide for her.

She was invited.

It seems like there is

Chat group
And
Old unused chat used for last years event

Do you just reactivated last years event chat for this years.

I don't think removing her was rude and I'd have thought keeping her in was worse -as she was invited and said no.

Of course just creating a new group would have had identical effect (lady not being part of it) so is probably safest way to do in future but part of me would think the same HOW silly!

Of course you re-add her avd hope she doesn't make passive aggressive messages about not attending the event.

It totally depends on how often you use the group and what for.

Has it been used since your last get together?

But surely you had the common sense to see that it hadn't been done maliciously. Or do you just think that everyone has it in for you?
This person made the choice to be offended. She could have sent a quick private message to say 'hey, I'd still like to be in the loop to see the photos and news even though I can't go'. The OP would have added her back in, and that would have been that. Instead she has caused drama and bad feeling with her 'I'm offfeeeeeended' act. FWIW, if this was a group of men, I don't think a man would have acted so childishly. He would have said oye twat, add me back in and there wouldn't be all this sulking.

Apologise and admit you should have made a new group. Perhaps she didnt want to leave the old group, some people like looking back on whatsapp chats for memories.

I really hate when people respond like this, it’s very low key manipulative.

if your action makes someone feel hurt, apologise and make it right. Don’t blame the other person for feeling entirely legitimate feelings. It’s not their fault you behaved badly.

I can't believe people are saying they would also be annoyed at being removed from a group chat that is solely about an event they had already said they weren't going to. I can't begin to imagine caring about this. I probably wouldn't even notice!

But it’s not solely for this event! It’s an existing group for friends and family!!