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AIBU?

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Original poster

Removed from social group chat

98 replies

Onebabygirl · 29/01/2024 22:12

Last year my friends and family set up a WhatsApp group chat to arrange a ladies day at the races. Fast forward to this year and I am trying to organise a similar get together. “A” can’t make it due to ill health, and she clearly stated that I should go ahead with making plans without her. I used the old group chat as a template because the majority of people were already included on it. I changed the title/subject of the group, removed A and added a couple of extra people. I then received a shirty message from A asking why she had been removed. I explained that as she wasn’t able to come to the event I thought she wouldn’t want to receive loads of messages going back and forth while we decided on a date, and also I felt it would be insensitive for her to listen to us all getting excited and making arrangements for a fun day out, knowing that she wouldn’t be joining us. She says she is able to make her own decisions and was perfectly capable of removing herself from the group if she didn’t want to be part of it and that I shouldn’t have just removed her. Was I being unfair by removing her?

OP posts:
icallitasplodge · 29/01/2024 22:59

I don’t think it is really damned if you do or damned if you don’t.

I think you should have let her leave instead of taking away that choice and doing it for her.

Hooplahooping · 29/01/2024 23:06

The older I get (progressively, despite concerted and increasingly expensive efforts to avoid this) the more I have learned that you can’t do other people’s reacting for them.

It is fine to consider what people’s reaction or response might be. I find, though, it often causes many more problems than it solves - to unilaterally decide what someone else’s emotional response would be and act to protect them from that imagined response without actually consulting them…

Ultimately it was her decision whether she wanted to be included in group chat about an event she couldn’t attend. And I can imagine she might feel aggrieved for not being able to make that choice herself.

If I was in her shoes, I can imagine I’d like to see everyone’s outfit messages, tease people about their hat choices, see the photos afterwards etc - and still feel like a relevant part of my crowd.

in short. I totally get you were trying to be thoughtful. I think it’s probably backfired a hit here. It can probably be pretty easily remedied with a message saying that you overthought things / got out your lane and didn’t mean to exclude her…

Charlie297 · 29/01/2024 23:07

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Hiddenvoice · 29/01/2024 23:12

I either would have created a new group without her or just started posting in the current group. If she wanted to, she could have muted the chat so she wasn’t getting lots of messages.
I understand you did it to be kind but she’s probably feeling pretty rotten that she’s unable to go and now feels even more cut off.

ACow · 29/01/2024 23:14

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 29/01/2024 23:15

OP, you don't sound very sorry.

You removed her from an established friends and family What's App... what if she wanted to contact one of them about something else.
What about when the event is over in a few months - would you have added her back in?

You complain that she is easily offended - but shutting her out of a long-running friends and family group is a bit offensive. It cuts her access to all the previous photos and chats that she must have enjoyed. If she's not tech savvy, she may not be clued up on how to get in contact with some of the group.

She could have temporarily muted the thread if the event chat was too much.

And she has a long term illness to deal with. You don't sound very sympathetic...

I think if you add her back into the established group and set up a new group just for the event you could smooth things over for her.

NewName24 · 29/01/2024 23:17

icallitasplodge · 29/01/2024 22:59

I don’t think it is really damned if you do or damned if you don’t.

I think you should have let her leave instead of taking away that choice and doing it for her.

Totally agree

YouHaveLostTheGame · 29/01/2024 23:28

As someone whose chronic health problems means my world has become very small as my health stops me doing all sorts of stuff that I used to love, I'm wondering if removing her from the group feel to her like she's being removed the bonding element of the friendships.

I'm not saying it's ok for to be upset that everyone is going ahead with something she wanted to attend but can't due to health, but I found (and still do) find it very isolating to not be able to physically take part in things I love. I'm very very thankful I have friends who still include me, just before Christmas two of them went to an event they knew I'd have loved to attend, what they did was include me in the planning, included me in the day by sending selfies, videos and photos, and bringing me a little souvenir back, nowhere near as good as being there with them but the acknowledgment that they'd have liked me to be meant the world.

Chronic health problems can be very isolating and something ive learnt from support groups is it seems it's quite common for people to be pushed out friend groups when they can't keep up or take part in things they used to and maybe it's possible she's feeling that way too.

Tattletwat · 29/01/2024 23:33

You should have created a new one.

As if you keep housing the old one people who didn't go the previous year won't be included.

Mariposistaaa · 29/01/2024 23:55

She could have done the mature thing and sent you a private message saying ‘hey I can’t come but I’d like to still follow the news and pics of the event. Can you please add me back in?’ You would have said yeah sure and that would have been that.

but nooooo she has to get all offeeeeeeeeended and foot stompy. Silly little girl. She is no loss.
I find the medallists at the ‘offended olympics‘ loathsome and abhorrent and they need to learn to shut it and grow up. How easily could this have been resolved?! It’s obvious this is a misunderstanding/oversight on the OP’s part, she acted in what she thought was good faith and not spite.

Josette77 · 30/01/2024 00:11

I think she probably already feels left out and now she feels rejected too.

Chronic health issues can be very isolating.

AutumnLeavesOften · 30/01/2024 00:31

My friend had a group for her hen do, then removed loads of us to use it for her bridesmaids

It was annoying, as we’d all had a good time on the hen do, and were no longer in touch and able to share photos of the wedding we all attended

We’re adults, she should have left us to decide ourselves on the group future

Pablova · 30/01/2024 00:54

Was it still active with the occasionally chat ? Were there photos of the day out shared in the chat ? If yes, then I can understand why she is upset.

Ooooooooy · 30/01/2024 03:17

this is one of those situations where you need to understand that others have a different perspective than you. It’s not “damned if you do, damned if you don’t”. It’s that she feels left out and excluded by your actions whereas you don’t think it’s worth losing sleep over. Ultimately you need to give people the choice instead of making the decision for them, then you won’t feel like you are “damned if you do” etc and appreciate that your own reaction might not be someone else’s. It is clear you think she’s too sensitive.

HarrietTheFireStarter · 30/01/2024 03:19

I don't think you should remove people without asking them. It comes across pretty brutally.

WandaWonder · 30/01/2024 03:53

I really do get why you did it and would not call it wrong at all

But there is doing people's thinking for them that I am finding increasing and annoying, if I was her I would know my own mind and could remove my self if I wanted too

But also feel like social media groups seems to me an online version of being back in school so I kind of get it op you were trying to be nice

YoureALizardHarry11 · 30/01/2024 04:24

It depends what the group is used for. If you originally set up the group to talk about the event but it’s morphed into a social chat group since, then I’d find it like a brush off as if to say, ‘’You can’t come, so you don’t matter anymore, you’re not part of our group!’’ Otherwise, I can see why you did it, but equally I can see her point, too.

She’s an adult, she’s perfectly capable of removing herself as she wishes. You should have at least asked her if she wanted to be removed, she might have wanted to stay in there in case she is able to join future events.

WaltzingWaters · 30/01/2024 04:28

You should have just created a new group. Removing her just seems rude.

Tombero · 30/01/2024 05:59

I really don’t think it’s damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

I think you are probably quite task focused and simply thought what you were doing was efficient without stopping to consider A’s feelings. You either needed to set up a new group let A decide to leave the group. She must already be feeling isolated with her illness. Now she’s excluded further and she’s probably worried she’ll now get forgotten in any future plans.

macedoniann · 30/01/2024 06:30

Tombero · 30/01/2024 05:59

I really don’t think it’s damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

I think you are probably quite task focused and simply thought what you were doing was efficient without stopping to consider A’s feelings. You either needed to set up a new group let A decide to leave the group. She must already be feeling isolated with her illness. Now she’s excluded further and she’s probably worried she’ll now get forgotten in any future plans.

This OP.
As you have just done yourself - people use old groups as a contact list for new events. Removing her means she might be forgotten next time.
Still, it's not a big issue. Just add her back.
She can mute or archive the group, or leave it herself if she doesn't want to be in it. You don't need to decide for her.

SD1978 · 30/01/2024 06:54

If the group was still active- I can understand being miffed at being punted out- if it had been inactive and nobody had been posting there, then I'm a bit more on your side. I think you should have let her leave if she's wanted to.

43ontherocksporfavor · 30/01/2024 06:57

It appears on the chat “X removed Y from the group’ and if she’s of sensitive nature and had no warning I guess it looked a bit brutal. I’d have prewarned her. Never mind just apologise and put her back on.move on. It’s not a big crime.

Spirallingdownwards · 30/01/2024 07:00

Definitely not a case if damned if you don't. Choosing to remove yourself from a group is far different to someone deciding to do that.

Apologise and re add her to the group.

betterangels · 30/01/2024 07:05

Josette77 · 30/01/2024 00:11

I think she probably already feels left out and now she feels rejected too.

Chronic health issues can be very isolating.

This. What was the problem of her being in the group? YABU.

SagittariusDwarf · 30/01/2024 07:08

You were very rude and insensitive in booting her out of the group.