Inheritance threads seriously wind me up......

[EveryoneEnviesMeEverywhere]

These types of threads are on many forums and articles I've read

AIBU when I am clearly stating that that the person/s leaving their assets behind to whoever is entitled to do as they so wish, EG, give the money away to a charity, their dog, the cat next door, their best friend, only give some of their children their money/etc and or not equally divide it

When I hear and or read about cases going to court, often one sibling against the other, it makes me so angry

If a person/s has mental the capacity as defined in law to make a Will, surely it is their choice and should never be challenged.

A nephew of mine recently complained to me about my sister(his mum) and his dad's Will means he'd get a lot less as things stand. My nephew had moaned to his parents and they told him that he was well settled, had a good job/pay and also had rental properties. I politely tried to make him see sense that regardless of what his parents had told him, in my judgment it istheir choice. My nephew was not happy with what I said.

The above comes with a caveat where disabled dependents may be left out of a Will as that is more complex. However, on the whole, it is as above

AIBU to robustly support the freedom of the assets holder/s to leave money to whoever, whatever they choose and no court should have the right to overturn this.

I think that entitlement comes from civil law jurisdictions where you typically have to give DCs at least 50 per cent of the estate to be shared equally, accounting for any life time gifts too.
I think there is a bit of a generational resentment going on as well. There is a huge divide now between those who are gifted assets vs those who are not. Earning enough is difficult these days and there is more uncertainty. Gen Z will probably not have a pension, not have the NHS and won’t be able to afford proper houses. So personally I do sympathise with them and their expectations. I think boomers/Gen X who don’t are a bit shortsighted and ungrateful too, arguably they are the entitled ones.

Whilst you are entitled to your opinions, and yes they can leave money to who they want, I don’t understand why parents would want to treat children differently, they are ALL their children.

why should it matter of one has slogged away working hard when another takes the piss and has nothing, but mummy and daddy want to leave more money to them ‘as they have nothing’ but it’s the child’s choice, they could have done what their sibling did but didn’t, relying on mummy and daddy instead.

by treating your children differently , regardless of circumstances as to why, it will just result in bitterness in the child(den) who have less left because they worked hard, and certainly won’t lead to good sibling relationships once the parents have gone

i I don’t think parents think about that, or how their relationship when they are still alive with the child getting less would be affected

you should treat all your children the same

I enjoy them for the popcorn drama! If it's earned money then of course the family must respect the wishes of their family member. Inherited family money must be passed down though, for example if parents inherit family money from grandparents then it should go to the children (or neices and nephews if no children). Money Inherited from a spouse must be passed to the spouse's children, not the new wife.

You are exactly right. In our case, we are perceived as not needing help. True, but we live very modest lives whilst siblings piss up their money on holidays and take aways, and doing outings all the time and frankly living above their means and getting in debt. A few times MIL has mentioned about giving B and SIL money (not huge amounts but think around £500) as she had a bit extra money when they needed it....however she is forever complaining about money being tight , she has also contributed to some fees towards one of their kids for a private service (wont give more details) whilst they are going on holiday several times a year...I honestly wish she wouldn't tell us about these "one off contributions". Is not just money, years ago when we had our second child she told us she couldn't help babysitting both of them once every 2 weeks, whilst now she takes their 5 kids once a week to save them in childcare fees....

My mother has always blatantly favoured and spoiled my younger db. Doesn't care who sees it. Never taught him any boundaries and wouldn't let anyone else either.
Her excuse for a few years for spending less on db and me at Christmas was because we have kids but she doesn't even bother excusing herself now.
Dm is very money driven and is leaving younger db everything.
We don't care, it's the meaning behind it that's so upsetting and the fact people use money as a final fuck you is so hurtful.

@boysmuminherts

no idea what that poster is talking about. You absolutely can leave money directly to grandchildren, depending on age you may want to set up trusts etc and I assume your parents have been advised on the best way to do this

I find the passivity of relying on or assuming inheritance a bit gross . I believe everyone should strive to earn their own income, with inheritance serving as a bonus rather than the primary source.

The leave it to anyone system is not the best.

Have a look at the forced heirship countries. People cannot just swoop in and influence someone to give to the cats home or a carer or a random at the eleventh hour.

Less need for litigation. The rules are cut and dried.

Thank you.

My understanding is that the other children ATM have mortgages and their jobs are not as well paid and these children have children, young children,

It's just forward planning and they may change their Will several times, not even they know what may happen

Let me shed a bit more light on another scenario that sadly I'm famialir with and it's within our families - two couples have an adult child each that is rude, nasty and disusting with their tongue to their parents and siblings as soon as things don't go their way. The parents have had enough and told them not to bother coming wh the rest of the family is there. This pair of nasty people also go around spreading malicious lie re their parents and at times siblings. Other times this pair of nasty adult children are a nice as pie. If you ever met them (both are girls, both divorced and not seeing anyone regularly for years and imo it thair awful tongue lashings) you'd say what a nice young lady/s - one is early 30's the other a bit older both have their own places and were supported by their parents EG live free at home for years so could build up a massive deposits

So, the examples I give above - the pair are still in their parent's wills but a lot, lot less because of their behaviour and it won't change as they have been like this since they were teenagers - would you leave them a penny when they wished at times their parents/dad died of cancer when one has suffered cancer? There are limits and trust me, if our children came remotely close to their behaviour, they'd get NAFF ALL from us

FYI - I've slightly played around with the above, so I am not identified just in case they read these forums but their behaviour is all of above and some of worse but can't mention it as it narrows it down

So its not what people have been saying in their posts - There are many circumstances, many parents, and grandparents that have been seriosuly upset by the behaviour of their family and a lot of the time as parents grow older, less able, children can forget them 99% of the time and other sibling may be a lot more helpful and caring and sensible - would you leave moenny to someone that was family but could not give a flying F about upsetting you almost daily? I thought not"

We had to have this discussion as a family recently as my mum died. Everything went to my dad. No arguments with my sister. Encouraged my dad to spend. Dad had to update his will, me and my sister are not grabby. My dad wanted it to be fair as I have no kids and my sister has 1.

I also earn less and was selling my house. My sister is very rich, lives a great life and doesn’t need money - all self made. I didn’t expect anything other than 50% if anything was left. We told my dad to do what he thinks was fair.

He has given 10% to my nephew. Rest split between my sister and me. But my sister has asked my dad to give me one of mums pension pots as a deposit for the house. She doesn’t want any equal share. Said to discount it.

my dad and me argued it needs to be fair. She says doesn’t matter and had a legal document written. Sometimes families can agree and argue over fairness.

I am grateful.

This is absolutely right. DH is eldest of 3. His grandparent died recently and left alot of money. DH didn't expect anything, but she left some to all of her 5 grandchildren. But there was a big disparity between him and his siblings, along lines that they got 20k each and DH got 1k. DH is not an entitled person but you can see this has hurt him. It's not about the money at all. It's more he feels hurt as he can't understand why. Both him and his siblings have similar jobs, similar pay. None are really better or worse of than the other. His grandparent is absolutely entitled to leave what she wants to whom but it's left alot of questions for DH about things. I feel for him.

What's legally acceptable and what causes hurt for those left behind are sometimes two different things though.

Often it's not about the money, it's about parents playing favourites.

For example, if Child A has worked hard all their life, always felt on the edge and watched as Child B didn't work hard, expected hand outs and mooched off their parents throughout life as the golden child then it's probably going to hurt if their parents leave Child B more than Child A.
It isn't about the money itself but that they made a conscious decision to make their final act to reinforce their preference for one child over the other.

I get on very well with my MiL and I dread her dying. I'm afraid she will leave the house entirely to BiL and not to be shared with DH. I know it will devastate dh. BiL has always been the favourite. He always had to wear his brother's pass me down clothes and his older brother always got everything new. He's mentioned this to me so many times about not feeling as loved as his brother. DH's Dad always said both sons would get half each but he's died now and I'm afraid Mil will leave the house to BiL. She has randomly mentioned on the last 3 times we've seen her 'you have paid off your mortgage now haven't you'. 3 visits in a row. It makes me think she'll favour BiL yet again. BiL doesn't have a partner and will be alone in life after his Mum dies except for my dh. I'm worried if DH is excluded he will be so hurt he won't want anything more to do with BiL. It's made worse by MiL telling me I will inherit her jewelry along with DGD's.

Yes, but it gets complex when people leave assets according to bullshit reactionary ideas. Like my grandmother left her sole asset, her house, to her son, purely because he was a man, and left nothing to my mother and her sister. My uncle has left the house to moulder, uninhabited and neglected, for more than 30 years because he can’t bring himself to renovate it or sell it, and his son doesn’t want it. That’s beside the point that my mother and aunt looked after their mother for the last two decades of her life. But no, they were girls.

It can get murderous in terms of perceived favouritism. There was a hideous case not far from here a few years ago. A woman who had inherited the family farm from her father had a husband and two adult sons. Terminally ill, and being threatened by her husband about how she would leave her land, she decided to leave the farm to one son. The disinherited son and his father, on receipt of the solicitor’s letter setting out the division of assets, then shot dead the son who was going to get the farm, and went out and shot themselves, leaving a note saying they were leaving the wife/mother alive ‘as a lesson’. She lived for six months afterwards.

I hear this a lot on MN - that you do not have the right to inherit from your parents…..Yes you do have the right to inherit. It should be built in to law actually. It should be equal.

A brilliant post!!!!!

My mother died aged 49, dad remarried, dad passed away 20 years ago and left everything to his new wife and children - I actually told him as did my siblings we did not want anything as he had a young family

My OH's family did not get on with him, main reason marrying me, not from the same background - he told them he did not want a penny and the in-laws left everything to their 2 other children - We were happy with that as we have alsways stood on our two feet.

As we live in London, property prices are really high and though our children are settling, we worry re grandchildren and have been gifting them money for their education. Our children tell us we need to spend more on our holidays, cars etc but when you have worked hard and saved/spent well, you don't want to blow away your money.

The bottom line regardless what others are saying, getting inheritance is a privilege, a gift a bit like the lottery - but like you send, don't depend on it as most people like us dont

How would anyone feel if they hated, or detested the guts of one of their children etc for various reasons (there are many reasons just ask those that have suffered or are suffering) and their Will was overturned in court??

It depends if its blatant greed and entitlement then I’m with you

but there things like a vulnerable adult pressured into changing will or a step parent swoops in and takes the lot by default

AIBU to robustly support the freedom of the assets holder/s to leave money to whoever, whatever they choose

or

AIBU to robustly support people making judgements about their family members, assumptions about what they will encounter in their futures and hurt whoever they want with their money knowing that they won’t be around to deal with the consequences?

When people treat their family badly, by telling them that they don’t deserve as much help as another family member or the local stray cats, it hurts them. So yes, people have the right to leave what they want to who they want, but when that doesn’t mean they are always doing the right thing or that their choices won’t affect other people’s feelings.

I absolutely love reading inheritance threads.

No one has a right to inherit anything from their parents! It’s the parents money to do as they see fit with it!

my fil disinherited 2 of his daughters - his choice….they had nothing to do with him for the last 15 years of his life so they got nothing! That was his choice.

Wills cause a lot of bother don't they. My parents loved talking about their will to me and sibs. Often threatening to cut out whoever had fallen out of their favour. They were always going on about the sacrifices they'd made to save this pile o cash.

My mother has said she looks forward to dying without a will so she can look down from heaven and laugh at her offspring fighting over her "legacy" as she calls it. I've been NC with my family a number of years and probably wouldn't even know.

On the other hand I know someone who has been really upset and angry at recently "losing out" on 200000 they felt entitled to after a relative died.

Money also feels like it equates to love. If one sibling (golden child) is favoured in a will then that just confirms the feeling that you are somehow less and not worthy of the deceased persons love, respect or money.
I'm currently updating my will and leaving everything split equally among DC (if it's not gone on my care in later life). There's been much heartache and fallout in previous generations in our blended familys because of unequal distribution of assets.

It's a total minefield when you're separated but have funds that the spouse wouldn't be entitled to in a divorce (like an inheritance). They'd get a good share of it regardless of your wishes. Not great.

I am a meritocratic individualist and therefore believe that how well-off a person ends up in life should entirely depend on their own ability.

I would tax inheritance at 90%.

I realise I am in a vanishingly small minority on MN which - as befits a parenting forum, perhaps - is obsessed with the passing-on of wealth within families (aka unearned privilege), such that a complete no-hoper who popped out of a wealthy vagina will live a better life than a genius who had the bad fortune of being born to poor parents.

I’m the other side - I can’t believe how awful people are with how they leave their money. I think money should be left equally between offspring. I cannot fathom why people like to pit people against one another.