To think this is so unjust that actually I do want to name and shame him far and wide? How is this right?

[FuriousJa1]

I have a 13 month old with my ex. We are both reasonably high earners, both on around 70k.

He left us before dd was born. I was absolutely distraught and it took me a long time to come to terms with it (had been together years). He is not with anyone new.

He was paying a substantial amount of cms initially as he was earning close to 120k. This meant that when dd started nursery around 3 months ago, that I had enough to cover half the nursery cost and also have money towards her day to day costs. At this point we were both paying 50% each within around 10 quid. He sees her when he feels like it for a few hours despite me being very happy to have had 50-50 care and no cms. He doesn’t want that.

He’s now had a pay cut to 70k. His cms has gone down to 680. This is not even half Dd’s nursery cost and so it leaves me paying more than all her nursery and all her everyday costs. I have raised it with him and explained I actually earn less than him by 3k anyway and I shouldn’t have to subsidise his share.

I know cms is ‘legally what he has to pay.’ But what fucking bollocks. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t know he would leave us in this situation. I am happy for him to have her 50-50 and have no cms. He won’t do that.

I know I can’t change it this instance but I want to name and shame him. I want to write to Mp’s and have his name out that. He works in a very professional environment and I know he would never tell anyone that I had to claim cms in the fiery place, he is embarrassed. I feel totally taken the piss out of. Again, I know I can’t change it overnight or maybe at all but I want to shame him. What would you do?

Why the pay cut? Is it a genuine cut or are you suspecting he’s done it to reduce nursery payments?

Must be very hard.

@Rosescrapbooks he took a new job as a contract ended so I was expecting the payments to differ a bit but I thought he would do the right thing and you know… pay half our child’s costs.

I despise him so much for putting everything on me as it is, this is the icing on the cake. Scum.

I can't advise you what to do but I totally appreciate your rage.

My husband also buggered off and left me shouldering the costs of raising our DC. Sometimes I feel the anger will consume me.

Men like our exes make me sick. I don't know how they live with themselves.

So he's paying around £8k a year from a £70k salary?! That's pretty shocking.

I don't have any advice but your feelings are completely valid.

@Sameshitdifferentdayagain im so sorry. It’s awful isn’t it. It’s financial abuse, plain and simple.

The people voting YABU are idiots. People seem to think the “legal minimum” is what’s fair. F’ing ridiculous since it rarely even covers half the childcare costs so the responsible parent can work.

YANBU OP, your ex is scum.

@MyBigFatGreekSalad thanks for support. It’s so grim having to shoulder everything and he gets away with this. I only want what is fair financially. It is obvious he will never do what’s fair practically.

Oh I get you, the legally required minimum is an absolute joke.

My delightful ex claims financial responsibility for his girlfriends kids (nothing to do with him) so he can pay less towards ours as well.

The system is geared towards these losers, then targets single mums as though we are somehow the awful ones.

Not much any of us can do about it, but I feel your pain.

Better £680 and him still contributing, or him waiting until he finds a new role on the previous salary, and not having to give you a penny during that time.

I'm not sure what good "naming and shaming" him would do given that it sounds like he's abiding by what the CMS decided? It's not a negative that you went to the CMS, often it's the wise thing to do because everything is documented. He's paying what he owes, I'd imagine many people whose partners pay via CMS get a lot less than 8000 a year. Yes it doesn't cover their half of the costs, but it doesn't work like that - if their income goes up, the maintenance does, and vice-versa.

I get you being so pissed off - it's not "fair" but life isn't. Short of mandating that the absent parent is never allowed to have their contract or employment ended or their wages reduced is not going to happen.

Argh, he's a shitbag. Personally I would tell people. Not in a social media announcement or something, but I'd drop it into enough conversations that hopefully word might get around (depending how closely your circles overlap).

And before anyone says it, you do not have to be the bigger person to shelter your child from the reality of having a shit dad. That's on him, not you.

It's an awful situation.

It's not that uncommon.

I absolutely think it should be discussed. It's not right that women are left in this situation and the more people who are aware the better.

Put it this way. Why would/should it be a secret? Who benefits from this?

Yanbu. My sons dad pays £7 a week.

You're not wrong op.

The fact that we, as a society, enable men to do this is disgraceful.

There are so many women and children living in poverty, or at least living with much lower quality of lives than they should have, because we don't expect men to take responsibility.

For some reason, it's totally acceptable for men to have kids, fuck off and leave the taxpayer to top up whatever the woman can manage to earn.

Yanbu , it’s so unfair how little expectations are on fathers especially financially. Kids need consistency and if they can’t be a consistent father they should provide maintenance consistently. I’ve had to raise 4 kids with next to nothing as financially. The father has have never done without but we have.

Make an application under Schedule 1 of the Children’s Act?

@MooseBeTimeForSnow i think that’s for much higher earners?

It’s a common misunderstanding. Schedule 1 is not discriminatory and is a provision which is available to all parents.

@MooseBeTimeForSnow thanks I will look at that.

Nope that's not why I voted YABU.

The OP risks him going after her for harassment if she puts his name out and him getting an order against her to shut her up.

The OP can go to her MP and name him as MPs listen to people in confidence. However she can't put his name out to everyone else in the way she plans. (There are sly way of doing it.)

Must be very hard.

Yes. Especially on 2 x £70k salaries coming in.

Yanbu ti want to shame him, I am always honest with people about my ex not paying maintenance, he was absolutely livid that I was ‘bad mouthing’ him when it got back to someone he knew. I don’t see why I should cover up for him though so if I’m discussing the issue I will always state that he doesn’t pay maintenance, that’s the decision he made after all!

CMS ams HMRC are a joke. Not interested at all in the fact that my ex has a 250k house and a big mortgage on it which he affords to pay monthly, despite being on only 16k a year (working for his mate who pays him the 16k into his bank and gives him the rest in cash!). I've reported it over and over but they never do anything. He pays me a pittance, and I worked my arse off to pay the 1k+ childcare fees every month on 30ishk a year, just so I could keep my career. I feel a sense of pride that I did it myself combined with sheer anger that he was allowed to decimate my savings the way he did. It's an awful system.

It never ceases to amaze me how low the bar is.

I'm not sure that writing to your MP with your ex's name will help much! . But one thing I would say, contrary to what a lot of people seem to think on MN/real world, is don't HIDE it.

Because I'd put money on the fact that along with refusing to give you any meaningful money, he's ALSO telling everyone all kinds of porkies about why he doesn't see the baby, how crazy you are etc.

And frankly, no one goes from 120 to 70k without a good reason so frankly, this feels purposeful to me.

So, you don't have to shout it from the rooftops but feel free to set people straight when it seems appropriate. Those mutual friends who comment on the lovely nursery you've chosen or the extended family who talk about how ex dotes on your DC etc.

£680 is quite a lot for CM, but I realise it barely touches the sides when you have nursery to pay for.

When your child is at school, it will feel like a better amount.