To think this is so unjust that actually I do want to name and shame him far and wide? How is this right?

[FuriousJa1]

I have a 13 month old with my ex. We are both reasonably high earners, both on around 70k.

He left us before dd was born. I was absolutely distraught and it took me a long time to come to terms with it (had been together years). He is not with anyone new.

He was paying a substantial amount of cms initially as he was earning close to 120k. This meant that when dd started nursery around 3 months ago, that I had enough to cover half the nursery cost and also have money towards her day to day costs. At this point we were both paying 50% each within around 10 quid. He sees her when he feels like it for a few hours despite me being very happy to have had 50-50 care and no cms. He doesn’t want that.

He’s now had a pay cut to 70k. His cms has gone down to 680. This is not even half Dd’s nursery cost and so it leaves me paying more than all her nursery and all her everyday costs. I have raised it with him and explained I actually earn less than him by 3k anyway and I shouldn’t have to subsidise his share.

I know cms is ‘legally what he has to pay.’ But what fucking bollocks. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t know he would leave us in this situation. I am happy for him to have her 50-50 and have no cms. He won’t do that.

I know I can’t change it this instance but I want to name and shame him. I want to write to Mp’s and have his name out that. He works in a very professional environment and I know he would never tell anyone that I had to claim cms in the fiery place, he is embarrassed. I feel totally taken the piss out of. Again, I know I can’t change it overnight or maybe at all but I want to shame him. What would you do?

What an arsehole he is. He has treated you appallingly and obviously doesn't care much about his child if he hardly bothers spending time with her. I don't blame you for being angry, I'm not sure what you can do about the cut in money but if naming and shaming would make you feel better, go right ahead! One of my friends years ago found her ex in the pub and told the landlord 'don't serve him, he owes me £80 for his son's food and nappies etc' he was so embarrassed he paid up 😂

As someone who was a lone parent on a similar amount, it is very much not true.

Are you still in touch with members of his family, I would find myself dropping it into the conversation, casually.

Parents co parenting appalls you more than the concept of a man not paying equally towards the survival of his shared child?

Of course it isn't true 🙄

My ex currently pays £0 . I’m having to take on a 6th day of work (already work full time in a professional role) to manage all my costs, mortgage etc.. These men are total shits and yet somehow they still paint themselves as innocent victims.

Of course it isn’t true. Rents are more than mortgage payments for comparable properties. It’s pure hyperbole.

It really sucks. Sucks for mums, sucks for kids. It did strike me that nothing will change until men are in the same position on a regular basis. Women who are prepared to say 'nah, not happening' drop junior off at dad's and crack on with their own lives, pay minimum, in exactly the same way men have for years. You watch legislation change when dads are negatively affected. But mum's don't do it, do they...

e is paying te legal amount but its too low anyway-my dsis ex was and is a narc didnt want to payr the cms amount hes on around 100k and trid to appeal it whhich was denied

instead he turned his son against hher so he went to live with him and of course she has to pay now

its around 12 percent now isnt it-how do they work it out so low

I have voted YABU purely because it will come back on you. It will cause you grief and hassle. It will cause you to spend more mental energy on him, which takes away from your child more. He’s a bellend with whistles on top but you don’t need to focus on him. You need to focus on your child.

p.s inconsistent contact with parents is damaging to children, if he can’t see child consistently maybe he’s better off not seeing them at all. Deadbeat dads are scum and kids are better off not seeing them in the grand scheme of things.

I can also confirm it is very much not true. Not to mention if you have a mortgage you end up with an asset.

If you work in a similar industry or have ties to his - I’m suspecting politics or a politically aligned industry from your first post….we’ll I’d start making quiet noise to other women there 😡not to everyone’s taste but he’s scum

@FuriousJa1 yes but not at 40%.

I'd just ask him if he is planning on staying in that role because he isn't covering half childcare costs. Or stop sending baby, he will probably start playing games and take you to court for more access (more access you were willing to give anyhow!). He will feel like he is "winning" and he can sort childcare during "his time".

@amiold sorry, I don’t understand. I pay 40pc tax too

Yes but the childcare costs don't incur a 40% tax I meant.

The system really is flawed that you get no help if you earn. I'm in a similar position to you money wise... we pay a fortune in tax and get no help with childcare and can't even get child benefit (I know it's pittance but why should those who don't pay in get it when we don't 🤷‍♀️). I honestly think in some cases working parents are worse off?

It's an absolute disgrace OP, you have every right to be annoyed. I agree he is scum.

I have never understood why CMS is based on people's earnings. My grocery bill/gas bill/ commute costs dont care whether I earn 25k or 65k. If you bring a child into this world, absolutely he should pay 50%.

I would send him an email simply stating nursery costs are xxx, other costs are xxx that means 50% is yyyy. I'd try to appeal to his conscious and say since I do all the child rearing, running out etc, it doesn't seem fair that I am also paying more financially when I also earn less than you. I am not even asking for you to pay more to make up for the fact you do less child rearing and earn more, I am willing to pay half.

And then if his response is shitty you bet I would send it to his family and friends like a pp suggested - not all of them, but ones he respects and hopefully agree with you. I'd also keep all his responses for your child to read in future should they wish to when he suddenly presents himself as dad of the year.

But then I am a spiteful bitch. Women are massively let down In this country- men shouldn't be allowed to have children and see them as an inconvenience, I wish we could court order them to have 50% custody....maybe then they'd be more grateful for all the care the women (mainly) provide and realise paying a bit more money isn't so bad after all.

You sound amazing BTW to keep going and make your way through this when he is such a shit.

Not idiots. Many of us get zero and have gotten zero for 18 years. OP situation doesn’t seem terrible.
yes, many men are scum

To be honest, MPs etc won't really care as what he is doing is 100% legal despite how unfair it may seem.

I always thought that CMS payments were far too low. I get £135 per month and I don't even notice is entering or leaving my account.

CMS haven't even factored in other circumstances such as inflation, or cost of living. Its just a very rigid form of calculation that needs a complete overhaul.

As an FYI, if I got £680 per month, I would be over the moon, but I understand other peoples circumstances and expenditures are different.

That is bollocks. My income as a single mum living in rented accommodation is less than £25k including benefits.

It's not a race to the bottom.

Look at first and third column here

Thank you @Unexpectedlysinglemum that is a really interesting table.

I think that since the CMS system is overseen by organizations which are predominantly staffed by men, it is not surprising it is so messed up. I am astonished constantly at the number of men who feel they have no responsibility to their children if they are not living in the same home 100% of the time. Its a similar stinking attitude to the men ho are happy to have no contact with their children after a relationship break down. I dont blame you for wanting to name and shame.

I have a friend in the US who was left with her son when son was 3. Ex did not pay a dime after he left. He had been military while they were married, and was recalled to service years later. They discovered he had not paid her in the last 15 years and made him pay her back everything he should have paid. He had the nerve to call her and ask her to waive the payment. She told him to get stuffed and had a great few years travelling and living it up with the money.

Naming him far and wide won't result in shaming him. Nobody would be interested because men failing to financially contribute adequately to their children is commonplace. There's no real stigma attached.

It's not two £70k salaries, that's the point. It's one £70K salary plus a few hundred extra per month.

The system is extremely flawed. ExH pays £270 per month for his TWO children. That's for both, not each. He purposely took a lower paying job so he could pay less, he thinks it's me getting the money, despite me explaining otherwise to him

He hates having to give 'me' money as he resents me for kicking him out when I found out he was cheating on me

He still doesn't get that it's his children he's letting down, I use every penny of that money on them and of course most of what I earn too!

Some men are absolute jokes and wouldn't understand responsibility if it came up and bit them on the arse