To think this is so unjust that actually I do want to name and shame him far and wide? How is this right?

[FuriousJa1]

I have a 13 month old with my ex. We are both reasonably high earners, both on around 70k.

He left us before dd was born. I was absolutely distraught and it took me a long time to come to terms with it (had been together years). He is not with anyone new.

He was paying a substantial amount of cms initially as he was earning close to 120k. This meant that when dd started nursery around 3 months ago, that I had enough to cover half the nursery cost and also have money towards her day to day costs. At this point we were both paying 50% each within around 10 quid. He sees her when he feels like it for a few hours despite me being very happy to have had 50-50 care and no cms. He doesn’t want that.

He’s now had a pay cut to 70k. His cms has gone down to 680. This is not even half Dd’s nursery cost and so it leaves me paying more than all her nursery and all her everyday costs. I have raised it with him and explained I actually earn less than him by 3k anyway and I shouldn’t have to subsidise his share.

I know cms is ‘legally what he has to pay.’ But what fucking bollocks. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t know he would leave us in this situation. I am happy for him to have her 50-50 and have no cms. He won’t do that.

I know I can’t change it this instance but I want to name and shame him. I want to write to Mp’s and have his name out that. He works in a very professional environment and I know he would never tell anyone that I had to claim cms in the fiery place, he is embarrassed. I feel totally taken the piss out of. Again, I know I can’t change it overnight or maybe at all but I want to shame him. What would you do?

I don't think naming and shaming is a good way to go, as he isn't technically doing anything wrong. He is only required to pay what CMS advise, he is not required to pay half of nursery costs unfortunately. Many families pay nursery costs earning far less than you, they just have to cope.

All the hand maidens on here bowing to the patriarchy never seem to amaze me.

Here we have a woman with a full time job who's having to pay through the nose for childcare so she can keep her job and takes care of her kid when not in nursery alone whilst her ex can live the life of Riley and play Disney dad once a week for a few hours with no worries over childcare costs or what happens if his child is ill and can't attend nursery.

It's not shocking the OP would agree to 50/50 custody it's fair;she'd get some much needed downtime and her ex would have to split the costs of raising their child 50/50.

Instead he gets to make a monthly payment and only be a parent a few hours a week before swanning back off to his easy life.

I'm betting half the bitchy comments wouldn't be maid if OP was on half of her current salary.

We have a lot of MRAs on here these days.

Well then he's nothing to be ashamed of.

And he won't mind when the OP tells people that he doesn't even pay half of his child's nursery fees.

But why do something purely out of spite? It's senseless and achieves nothing.

My daughter’s dad pays 200 a month. This covers her expensive hobby only. He only started paying this a year ago and she’s now 7. When I told him we were going to Disneyland for her birthday his response was “I’ve never been abroad” “can’t afford it” like he’d paid for it!! He’s just so pathetic

I would name him and shame him "accidentally"by forwarding or including whoever you want to tell "by accident" in an email chain. Word it as venting to a friend/family about CMS and your hardship. "Accidentally" include eg his boss/relevant person in the email list.

Worse he can do is try to take you through the civil court for besmirching his reputation however sadly you made an error as a tired single mother and the CMS info is true. I'd do it, best of luck x

My ex has always paid the legal minimum plus sold the kids clothes that I paid for on vinted. Now the eldest has left home it's me he comes home and visits. He sees his dad but ultimately has very little respect for him. Both my children can see me providing for them and their dad buying himself endless tat as he isn't providing much for them. It's made things much harder for me and the kids but I wouldn't swap places with him.
I think it should be considered more shameful for people who don't provide for their kids as well but instead single mums are shamed for choosing rubbish dads/ partners. So you can't make him pay more than the minimum however much the nursery costs are. It should be shared but it won't be.

The absent parent who refuses to care for his child, yet refuses to pay someone else to look after his child, has ABANDONED his child & should face criminal charges.

I totally understand your anger. I got totally stiffed by my ex who paid almost nothing and then nothing at all for his daughters. Eventually the CMS wrote off his two debts to me that totalled 19k. He also left me a huge credit card debt that he drew out in cash solely on a jointly held card. I paid the debt, it took me over 10 years. Mine did lots and lots of horrible things but I say all this as someone at the other end of this. I am years passed this and the children concerned are 22 and 20 and have had no contact with him for years (his choice after 5 years taking me to court with vexatious litigation). I mean to say it could be worse but that doesn't help you now but what I can say is that I have the pride of having sorted it myself. I made a new relationship and had more children but when it was happening it was hell, genuine hell. My anger knew no bounds. But my daughters know it was me that did this and despite me having never bad mouthed him, they have no interest at all having a relationship with their natural Father. It will be ok, your anger will pass but there's no guarantee that his arseholery will so just keep on going. It doesn't solve it but in the medium to long term you will know you dug yourself out of this. He can never make a claim that he did more than the absolute legal minimum and you made up the difference and did all the heavy lifting. And just for perspective, the most I ever had in a year was less than you get a month. It trashed my career but I have the satisfaction of having raised lovely children into wonderful women. I did that. Me and not him.

Am angry on your behalf op

So how much childcare do you pay after tax free childcare?

This could happen to anyone who has a child and its appalling.

Why do idiots use the expression "life isn't fair" to justify any crap behaviour? Maybe the suffragettes shouldn't have bothered to try and get women the vote because "life isn't fair." 🙄

If you're going to handwring about senseless acts that achieve nothing, why can't you direct it at the guy who's all but abandoned his child? Why does it become a tragedy only when the mother lets people know about it?

Hold on, CMS I assume has a look at both your incomes, who the kid lives with and decides how much money the non resident parent should pay to the resident parent?

And in your case, the amount the CMS has decided your ex should pay is BELOW 50% of the childcare bill!!! So childcare, that enables you both to work full time, CMS have decided that you should subsidise your ex share!!! And they've decided your ex shouldn't pay a penny to feed and clothe his child. Fuck me!

Absolutely, 100% write to your MP, and the children's minister. WTF are CMS calculations based on?

That is based on LONDON housing costs only. We don't all live in London.

I never understand why it isnt legal minimum AND childcare costs...why are they able to work full time with free childcare but mum isn't? Its his kid too..

It just isnt equality at all.
There is no logic to it..

Who says it achieves nothing?

It needs to be socially unacceptable to neglect to provide for your child. It's time we started talking about it openly.

Stop sweeping it under the carpet. He's "technically done nothing wrong". Ffs.

I agree @Pickles2023 100 percent - there should be a maintenance amount and a childcare amount, it’s trapping the parent with more residency into higher costs or reducing working hours otherwise. Long overdue for an overhaul.

Name and shame away, OP. Telling people the truth is in no way harassment. If he is embarrassed by people knowing the truth then he shouldn't have abandoned his child. What a prat. The amount of women who make excuses for these pathetic men is staggering.