To think this is so unjust that actually I do want to name and shame him far and wide? How is this right?

[FuriousJa1]

I have a 13 month old with my ex. We are both reasonably high earners, both on around 70k.

He left us before dd was born. I was absolutely distraught and it took me a long time to come to terms with it (had been together years). He is not with anyone new.

He was paying a substantial amount of cms initially as he was earning close to 120k. This meant that when dd started nursery around 3 months ago, that I had enough to cover half the nursery cost and also have money towards her day to day costs. At this point we were both paying 50% each within around 10 quid. He sees her when he feels like it for a few hours despite me being very happy to have had 50-50 care and no cms. He doesn’t want that.

He’s now had a pay cut to 70k. His cms has gone down to 680. This is not even half Dd’s nursery cost and so it leaves me paying more than all her nursery and all her everyday costs. I have raised it with him and explained I actually earn less than him by 3k anyway and I shouldn’t have to subsidise his share.

I know cms is ‘legally what he has to pay.’ But what fucking bollocks. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t know he would leave us in this situation. I am happy for him to have her 50-50 and have no cms. He won’t do that.

I know I can’t change it this instance but I want to name and shame him. I want to write to Mp’s and have his name out that. He works in a very professional environment and I know he would never tell anyone that I had to claim cms in the fiery place, he is embarrassed. I feel totally taken the piss out of. Again, I know I can’t change it overnight or maybe at all but I want to shame him. What would you do?

It’s a terribly unfair situation when childcare is so expensive, it’s forcing women out of work. CMS urgently needs reform. He’s a scum bag, and there are a lot of them out there.

I don’t know - after school club £15 a day, holiday clubs run £50/day, it’s not going to be that much better. Child maintenance awards haven’t kept pace with the actual costs of nursery and wraparound care.

£120 to €70k pa seems like a big drop in income for him. Are you sure you believe it and he hasn't somehow managed to hide his salary in the new job?

Similar situation here (single since pregnancy same age baby) I'm doing it all and paying more than half. Why would naming him to your op help? If you want to name and shame then I would contact men he respects like his best friends, father, brother in law etc and ask them to have a world with him
About contributing half of baby's costs. Or see if his one of his family would take baby some of the time to help you out.

There isn’t a stigma anymore so unfortunately shaming him won’t work. Would of definately worked 30 years ago now not so much as so many people are in same position.

Ps - from September we will get more help with fees and from April 2025 even more - hang in there! Do you have tax free childcare?

Op only has her own 70k salary. Assuming she has a mortgage, because of how our tax and benefits system work, a single parent earning 60k per year has less money per month than a single parent renting on 12k a year - op would be better off on minimum wage and claiming benefits

@TinyYellow he should be paying 50% from the moment his child was born.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum is this true?! I would love a year or two off work!! So sick of it all being on me

This isn't quite true. Also, I'd take a bit less money and a mortgage than more monthly money and rent for the rest of my life.

This.

For some reason, it's totally acceptable for men to have kids, fuck off and leave the taxpayer to top up whatever the woman can manage to earn.

This is such an important point. I don't begrudge for a single second the working lone mothers who are doing their best to support their children (or who are unable to work due to children being very young or caring responsibilities for a child with disabilities etc).

But too fucking right I begrudge the fact that the state has to step in and fill the gap that should be the responsibility of these awful, awful men.

I feel for you. My ex husband
moved to a different country, pays less than CMS would require him too and has taken a job where his on paper earnings (approx 36k) make him seem a lot worse off than his actual financial situation because his work pay for his accommodation, food, travel, utilities etc. His pay is basically just disposable income. He visits our kids at my house no more than twice a month (often leaving early for social engagements with his friends who are living here), uses my utilities/food etc and still has the audacity to plead poverty. It’s a low bar and they’re still failing.
I understand wanting to name and shame, my ex’s family, friends and wider acquaintances all seem to think he’s some sort of parenting hero going above and beyond for our offspring and it’s ridiculous. Just be careful, aside from being accused of harassment he seems like the sort of person who would have no qualms painting you as the evil, bitter ex (been there).

This is a really good point. Ask them to check he's not receiving dividends instead. They don't automatically. Or diverting funds. For eg to his pension

How could that be harassment? Its true. Its her actual reality. Discussing it with people she knows isn't harassment.

Obviously spray painting it on his door would be. But I don't think she means this.

I voted your being unreasonable only because I’m not sure what writing to your MP naming and shaming him will achieve???You’re better off speaking with his friends/family/people you both know and dropping it into the conversation how much you’re struggling and how little he pays. That might shame him.

Why not fight to better the CMS? It's a terrible system that has been broken for years and if you really want to shame him, do so by drawing attention to it and using it as an example if he is a public figure. SO many men get "pay cuts" as soon as they get contacted by CMS and many end up going self employed - do research on here and you will see how widespread an issue it is. Plenty of figures to back you up on Gingerbread. It really needs a good spokesperson to shake up the system.

Hmm difficult one... he'll pay tax on that amount so it's worth more than £680 to him really. 70k sounds a lot but after tax, national insurance, pension and then the child maintenance he is hardly rolling in it.
You were happy to take his money without argument based on his 120 so why not on his 70... unless you think he's took a pay cut on purpose but surely that would leave him worse off, he will live to his means and probably struggling on 70. Fingers crossed he gets a better job soon 🤞🏼

The part that struck me was the op mentioned twice she was willing to give up her baby half the week to a man that hardly visits
I know you are angry op but come on that would not be fair on a baby thus 50 /50 rubbish a child needs a permanent home not shoved from house to house every few days .that actually appalls me more than his maintenance.

Not much you can do unfortunately. But you can be vocal to friends and especially his family.

Sorry I can't come and see you as I don't have enough money for the train because nursery fees are so high. Sorry I can't offer you a cup of tea as I am having to save electricity for nursery fees. Sorry you can't come and visit DC etc.

Alternatively tell him as he won't be contributing half nursery fees, you'll be dropping DC off those days for him to take care of !

Thanks @Jewnicorn sorry you’ve had that experience. Some men really are scum.

Would it be harassment to speak the truth though? I wouldn’t be embellishing anything, just stating that his contribution is less than half nursery cost.

@amiold yes but I also pay tax on my half of our child’s costs…

He's hiding it in his pension.
They can do that very easily.

@amiold I don't think you have had much dealing wit CMS and how most dad's get around the system! Of course they don't pay the full amount of tax.

As for the poster sad that a father might have to look after his own child just because he has been useless to date (not the mother's fault) you need to think about whether a mother could act in this way and not have to look after her own child. He needs to learn how to look after the baby, not just have someone complicit in his lack of parenting.

But only up to a certain percentage (actual amount alludes me right now). My ex has done just this for the last few years. I have raised it with CMS - they are investigating specifically a diversion of funds. It is worth raising with them @FuriousJa1
Good luck
ps: only being unreasonable regarding threat to name and shame. It won't help so please don't. You are in a very difficult situation and yes, it is very very unfair

The whole CMS system is shit. Its totally unfair.

I haven't had a penny in CM for over 10 years now.