AIBU for parents to know what roughly what job I do?

[myjob]

I probably am being unreasonable, but hear me out. Just having a brat really.

I work in the city of London in a finance role, supporting fund managers. My mum has asked what I do and I have told her many times what my role is and how it supports the wider business. She just doesn't understand it and when I try to explain, she says "it's all so complicated!" And won't even try to listen. She is in her 60's and was a SAHM her whole life. My brother works in digital media sales and it's the same with him. She thinks he works with computers and I'm a secretary. She doesn't seem to understand that I'm not in a typing pool.

It's a stressful, serious job. I have tried to explain, she doesn't seem to understand that women can have important roles in an office environment.

Do your parents understand your job if it's not something like teacher or nurse? Maybe IABU! I give up with trying to explain it now!

I always grew up believing that these people were supposed to be our biggest cheerleaders.
You know what, in a way I think they are - in their own worldview.
For example, an old-school mum / mil / grandma who says "ah, aren't you lucky your DH has a Very Important Job and treats you well" probably means "I am so glad you have done so well", because in their world it is the definition of "done well". At least that's how I prefer to look at this.

Very few people understand what my job is and I have given up trying to explain, including to my parents.
I'm a manager in a specific field but nobody can understand why this field would require managers. They can only imagine the people they see - so for example if I managed a refuse company they would think I was out emptying bins. They wouldn't understand that someone has to hire the refuse operatives, sort out their salaries, pensions, annual leave and performance management, ensure the company operated within legislative guidelines etc.

What I'm getting at is people can't imagine what they can't see in front of them and it's just an exercise in frustration trying to change it.

Yes it annoys me too.

I'm a risk and compliance manager and all of DH's family think I'm a secretary. When I was made redundant last year I kept being sent jobs by people - meaning well I'm sure - but for entry level jobs and things like part-time admin on minimum wage. Nothing wrong with any of those jobs but when I'm the main earner it does rankle a bit yes.

I always think of Al Murray the Pub Landlord - women are nurses or secretaries 😂 keeps me sane

I find some of these responses really surprising - surely it's not that difficult to understand what your children do for a living?!

If it helps you to see it in that way, then go for it. I'm sure you're right that that's what they mean.

I guess I am lucky enough to have parents who have moved a bit more with the times, and so I would find it really upsetting if they didn't see my successes for what they are. DSis and I both earn significantly more than our respective husbands, and my mum and dad are just really proud of how well we've done.

What is it with all these families thinking we’re all secretaries? I could understand it more if we were in the 70s or even 80s, but it’s 2024 ffs!

When I was at school in the 70s quite a few girls went to secretarial college when they left school. It was a frequently chosen path for girls. That hasn’t been the case for decades, there are a lot fewer secretarial or PA roles now, and surely anyone who has been in the workplace in the last 40 or so years can see that.

I’m honestly gobsmacked that people other than the most out of touch, very elderly or those who have never worked outside the home, can think that a woman who works in an office must be a secretary.

I indeed prefer to think that it is the intention that counts. I have (female, non-UK) old friends as well who have "married well" at 20 and have never worked apart from maybe some one-off hobby type jobs. They are horrified that I have no choice but to work to pay for myself and my children, they literally cannot comprehend this way of life as it sounds almost like slavery to them and express a lot of sympathy - but it does come from a good place, to support, not to belittle.

Me too. If my parents in their mid 80s can get their heads around it, I'm bemused by the idea that someone in their 60s can have such antiquated views. They aren't that much older than I am ffs!!!

My MIL used to spend a lot of time wittering about how DH had a very responsible job.

At the time he was a postdoc researcher and literally responsible for nothing.

I have a readily understandable job - doctor - but she is absolutely unable to understand my specialty or why it might mean having to work over Christmas. She's also come out with some crackers about the NHS having targets to kill people. I was sat right next to her at the time!

Thankfully DH kindly pointed out he did not have a responsible job and I was making all the money.

Reading some of these stories, I can't help but wonder if some of these comments are deliberate attempts to dismiss/belittle successful women, rather than simple ignorance. I struggle to believe that people are really that stupid, but perhaps I am mistaken.

My own illiterate but wonderful mother-in-law, who spent her entire life in a heavily patriarchal peasant society in which women essentially cooked, cleaned and produced babies, was more than capable of getting her head around the fact that I, as a woman, could have a proper job and earn as much as my husband did, and she thought it was bloody marvelous. Did she understand the intricacies of what I actually do on a daily basis? No, of course she didn't, but she was able to get the basic idea of what I do and ask some intelligent questions about it.

So forgive me if I think that older people who have lived in the UK for the past few decades might actually be able to get their heads around it if they really wanted to. I guess some of them are just very invested - for whatever reason - in pretending that women can't possibly have successful and meaningful careers.

Yeah, my mum couldn’t describe what I do. Because it’s in an office she thinks it’s secretarial. Doesn’t bother me.

siblings are easier; chef, nurse etc.

I’m not sure it’s just older people. In my first academic job, space was at a premium and many of us shared offices between two staff members — I shared with a .5 teaching fellow whom I seldom saw. But two women’s names on the door meant that students coming out of the lift looking for the secretaries’ office would invariably assume it was us, despite both academic titles on the door plate, and the admin office being clearly signposted.

I'm with you. I think very little of this is generational, and a lot of it is split between 1) old-school misogyny 2) women who don't want it to be possible for women to have challenging, diverse, high-achieving careers, because if that's true then maybe they could or should have tried a bit harder to have one.

Exactly that!

DPIL never really got their heads around me being main breadwinner and DH being SAHP. DMIL was simply baffled, DFIL tended to be quite dismissive of any business role as he believed he had done all of them.

They were happier when he went back to work. Every time we saw them DMIL would ask DH if he 'was busy'. To her busy meant your job was safe. Neither ever asked about my job.

With both DM and DPIL there was a bit of 'golden child' syndrome going on. For both of us it was eldest brother, we are both youngest. The achievements of our golden siblings were much celebrated.

DBIL is a really great person and I think was a bit embarrassed by his parents' trumpeting at times.

2) women who don't want it to be possible for women to have challenging, diverse, high-achieving careers, because if that's true then maybe they could or should have tried a bit harder to have one.

This is my "D"M a million times over. She refuses to believe I have an important job, refuses to believe I have a 6 figure salary and regularly refers to it as a "nice little job". In a previous role I worked very closely on some projects with MPs/Nobel prize winner and the like. I mentioned working with one MP and she teased me mercilessly about it like I was deluded. She kept referring to him sarcastically as "Your Friend Harold" whenever he was on the news.

To be fair, DH works in finance for a mega bank and she's adamant he's a travel agent (long story). She just can't bear for anyone, but especially me, to be more successful than her.

Solidarity OP. It's super annoying when your own parents refuse to believe that you're successful.

Come to think of it, PIL have never understood that their daughter married a man who became a SAHP.

All family conversations about him are disparaging.

Actually - he's lovely, it's a successful relationship now going for 30+ years and their daughter earns more than their 2 sons do put together.

Oh but she WFH so not a real job.

Now we're getting to the truth of the matter. I know a man who is an investment banker - literally no idea what that means or entails.

Everyone else I know has jobs that I can grasp and find something to talk about - lecturer, journalist, actor, musician, social worker, cleaner, teacher, bookseller, florist, electrician, policewoman, midwife, nurse, artist, gallery owner, copywriter, psychotherapist. Etc. easy.

That is so sad. I would expect parents to be bursting with pride in their kids' successful careers. It's a shame that they can't just enjoy it and be happy for their offspring.

I think it's probably true that most people just aren't that interested. But I still think it's different when it comes to your own dc. I mean, you might not care what an investment banker does if it's your neighbour that does that, or your friend's husband, or your cousin's wife etc. But if it is your own child that has chosen that path, wouldn't you be a bit more motivated to find out what it was all about? I know I would!!

My mum came to live with me for 2 months while her house was completing. She'd told everyone she couldn't wait as I WFH so she'd have company and we could do everything together. She was totally taken aback that I sat at my desk for 9 sometimes 10 hours! She does know what I do though. She heard enough meetings :)

Absolutely, I’m not saying it’s just older people at all. I’m saying that these are attitudes that were prevalent (from people of any age) in the 1970s, and I would have hoped they would not still be prevalent in the 2020s.

Your example is very typical, even though universities probably have more senior female staff than many sectors e.g. plenty of female Profs.

Similarly in medicine, with people assuming a female doctor is a nurse, even after they introduced themselves as a doctor.

@yadayadayep Good to hear that your MIL had an awakening- at least that’s one person who now understands that someone who is WFH isn’t getting paid for doing nothing!

Interestingly, during lockdown when I was WFH and having a lot of Teams meetings, which DH overheard sometimes, he said that it gave him a new respect for what I do. He already appreciated that my job is very specialised and I and my colleagues are very well qualified, but hearing me discuss highly technical issues he realised just how complex it is. To an “outsider” it must sound like we’re speaking a foreign language!

Hear hear