AIBU for parents to know what roughly what job I do?

[myjob]

I probably am being unreasonable, but hear me out. Just having a brat really.

I work in the city of London in a finance role, supporting fund managers. My mum has asked what I do and I have told her many times what my role is and how it supports the wider business. She just doesn't understand it and when I try to explain, she says "it's all so complicated!" And won't even try to listen. She is in her 60's and was a SAHM her whole life. My brother works in digital media sales and it's the same with him. She thinks he works with computers and I'm a secretary. She doesn't seem to understand that I'm not in a typing pool.

It's a stressful, serious job. I have tried to explain, she doesn't seem to understand that women can have important roles in an office environment.

Do your parents understand your job if it's not something like teacher or nurse? Maybe IABU! I give up with trying to explain it now!

My god I couldn't do what your mum has done, being a SAHM and then a housewife for years. It sounds so mindnumbingly boring!

In my case it is not a case of my parents not knowing about what I do, but lying about it to others because they are - I don't know- ashamed?

I am a solicitor but non-practicing. I gave up work a few years ago when DH got sick and I had to take on his care. Sometimes just for a bit of extra money I now do temp work. Last time it was to work some pre-Christmas shifts at a local bookstore.

I found out that when I do a temp job of that sort my parents boast to their friends I am doing a specialist legal consultancy work for -x- company.

Nup... wrapping Harry Potter books at Christmas. I enjoy it more than I ever liked being a conveyancer. But tbh they always exaggerated my accomplishments- which made me feel that whatever I did wasn't good enough because they had to embellish. I found out because my aunt asked me about it at a family lunch and my parents nearly wrestled me to the ground in order to shut me up before loudly proclaiming their version of the story and then changing the subject.

My mum likes to tell her friends that I have a Big Job in a Big Firm. She has no idea what the Big Job is (in reality it's not very Big at all).

My Mum doesn't understand my job but she is adamant I'm over paid for it. Because I'm a woman in an office (well wfh office) she assumes I work in admin and admin people and especially women shouldn't be paid that much

My Dh, who is paid less than me, is consistently praised for his hard work, and his good career. Don't get me wrong he does work hard, but he's not massively career driven, doesn't want to get into management and is happy where he is as a consistent, reliable source of income into the household

I am berated for being career driven

We don't even have kids (cant) so it's not like she thinks I'm a terrible mother for working and leaving them

Meanwhile she tells me my sister, who had been very senior in project and programme management, cannot manage a budget, is terrible at organisation and shouldn't be left in charge of anything. Now some project managers I've worked with possibly deserve that by my sister is an excellent one.

My parents understood my job very well. DH? Not so much. Now the DSs are working he doesn’t understand theirs either. He struggled one year when adding me to his car insurance as they didn’t have the category ‘office worker’ I mean I did work in an office so it’s not wrong - just not accurate enough for an insurer

I think it doesn't help that job roles now dont explain the job, we say it about my DHs "wanky* job title. (sorry i know its a horrible word but thats what we all use for those sorts of job titles)

You would have no clue what my DH does based on his job title - he works in tech development analyst sort of role, but they call it something different. I dont know what he does, its not an intelligence thing, its because i find it boring and we never talk about work.

Your mum has been told you are not a secretary, it's not an intelligence thing or a SAHP thing, she is choosing to not respect you enough to listen when its clearly somethinb that is important to you that she gets your job title correct.
Have you asked her why she does it?

See I understand that, because you’ve used non jargon words to explain it so it makes sense.

But, in terms of finance, I don’t even know what a hedge fund is, I have no idea what people who work in ‘the city’ do, or what the function of ‘the city’ is, once people start talking about investment portfolios I’m lost completely. But as far as I can see it has no bearing on my life so I’m fine with that.

I am slightly better with IT to be fair as I understand that IT has a function in life which is pretty universal (I do know that money is important and universal but purely on the level of ‘have I got enough to buy food for the week’).

Haha, I have the opposite problem - my dad seems to think I'm the bloody CEO, and the most important/essential person in the company. Whereas I'm just the Office Manager.

But the moment you mentioned the words "city" and "finance" my eyes glazed over. It is really difficult to comprehend the day-to-day lives of people in a very different sector to the ones you are used to. It's not like being a teacher or a postman. I haven't a clue what either of my siblings do....both work in finance roles, and they've explained several times, but it just doesn't compute.

I'm an actuary, my MIL once asked why I don't wear a uniform to work "because the girls in the bank do"

However, despite working in the financial services I don't understand loads of roles. My BFF is "in fund accounting" but I once referred to her as a fund accountant and she reacted as if I'd called her a whore. So I don't ask about her work any more.

See I understand that, because you’ve used non jargon words to explain it so it makes sense.

This makes me think that people, in general are very bad at explaining what they do. Or possibly that they wish to retain an air of mystery about their "big important job" so that no one tries to. Seems odd to me with close family and friends that you wouldn't try. I do just tell random acquaintances that I work in IT and don't bother to explain further unless they look genuinely interested.

I think it's fair enough if people don't understand the nuances of what unfamiliar jobs entail, but I would expect close relatives such as parents to at least take enough interest to know roughly what their family members do. I would be quite insulted if my parents just assumed that I was a secretary - not because there is anything remotely wrong with being a secretary but because it would reflect such a complete lack of interest in my life, my career and my achievements.

I don't agree that it's just a generational thing, either. My parents are both in their 80s, so quite a lot older than the OP's mum, and they're both perfectly capable of listening and taking an interest in the work that me and dsis do. Yes, it's harder for my mum to get her head around what aspects of the job were like because she was a SAHM herself, but she takes an interest, asks questions and tries to understand.

I would be really hurt in the OP's shoes if my parents were so lacking in interest and so unwilling to recognise what I have achieved in my career. Of course I don't expect them to understand the detailed complexities of what I do, but I do expect them to have a basic level of curiosity and understanding in relation to the lives of their own children. I think it's very sad if posters consider that to be unreasonable!

I'm also a bit bemused by people saying that they don't understand what their partners do. Are they really so uninterested that they don't just ask?

It's like working in Logistics..
A few people l know do and their expectations are never the same.
Same as in engineering..
It covers a wide scope.. a person who fixes aircraft or one who fixes roads can both be engineers.
I give up asking..

I was planning to go back to work after maternity leave and my grandmother asked me if she gave me £200 a month would that be enough to let me stay home.

Apart from WANTING to go back I earned over 10x that amount so unsurprisingly no, that wouldn’t be enough.

But, in terms of finance, I don’t even know what a hedge fund is, I have no idea what people who work in ‘the city’ do, or what the function of ‘the city’ is, once people start talking about investment portfolios I’m lost completely. But as far as I can see it has no bearing on my life so I’m fine with that.

This sounds like financial illiteracy or indifference about how money works. Does the term 'investment' not ring any bells?

She's always been a SAHM, so I think she just doesn't really have any idea that women can have real jobs!

That’s weird. She’s not of a generation where a life as a SAHM was the norm.

I got that vibe as well. That being a secretary is not a 'real job' or stressful and that you sit around chatting all day. Hmmmm.

I'm a university lecturer. My FIL regularly asks if I'm a secondary school teacher. I know it doesn't really matter, but FFS how hard is it to remember?!

Both my boys have good jobs that provide well for their families so I'm very proud of them. However although they have explained what they do many times, I don't really understand the details. I think they probably have a reasonable idea of what my job involved because it was a very straightforward thing but they are much cleverer than me

Why give up?

The same job (Engineer) can do different things in different sectors and the same sector (Logistics) can support many different jobs and roles.

The world is not so simple like a typing pool any more. It is complex but hardly beyond the wit of man to get your head around unless you could not be bothered.

I don't think the average person understands hedging tbf.

I have no idea what my sister does despite being educated myself and her having explained it several times. My parents definitely don’t have a clue what she does. Something to do with data.

DM & DPIL never had a clue what I do. If pushed they would have said I type numbers into 'the computer'.

I'm an accountant working in system development for planning and reporting.

My DB is the annoying one. His friend is an accountant who does 'private client work' and so is vastly superior to me. I don't think he knows what either of us do but to him, private client work sounds more impressive.

She doesn't seem to understand that I'm not in a typing pool.

That’s partly why it’s weird. It sounds like her mother is working from the 1960s, Mad Men idea of secretaries. Even in the 1990s her ideas would be seriously dated.

I discovered during covid that my parents had no clue what I do and couldn’t understand why I needed to be in work (my job for 18 months literally became covid focused in an operational role yet dm could not grasp why I wasn’t furloughed).

I'm in my 60s and have worked and have a masters. My stepson has a consulting type job and I've never understood exactly what it is he does. If you are outside an industry it can be very difficult to get it. I worked in publishing as an art and production editor and no one understood what I did outside the industry.