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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking after Grandchildren

90 replies

RubyRed55 · 29/01/2024 10:19

My Step daughter has 2 young children (baby and 5 yr old)
I've never really been a big 'children' person. I enjoy seeing them occasionally and I am known as nan to them which is lovely. I work part-time and DH full-time. Occasionally we have been asked if we can have GC some days during school holidays.
DH has to take annual leave to accommodate these days.
I like having them for a couple of hours -but I don't want to get involved in having them for full days during school holidays as they get older. I'm just being honest.
DH can if that's what he wishes - but it's really not for me.
My work schedule although part time can be quite haphazard and I cover job share holidays etc so I can't commit in advance anyway.
I've never wanted children of my own, enjoy my life the way it is, and don't have a close relationship with my SD.
AIBU?
If I mention this to DH, I feel like he'll think I'm an unkind person.
I'm perfectly happy GC visiting/helping out for a couple of hours here and there - but I just don't want to set a precedent for childcare during school holidays as time goes on. Maternal grandmother's work FT.
Am I awful?
How do I navigate?

OP posts:
ElevenSeven · 29/01/2024 10:20

‘No, sorry, I won’t be able to do that.’

Change subject. Walk off, anything you need to.

Don’t get dragged into it

Wishimaywishimight · 29/01/2024 10:22

Have you been asked to have them for full days without DH? Is so, just say "I'd rather not, I'm not comfortable looking after small children on my own".

Windymcwindyson · 29/01/2024 10:23

No need for a big speech surely? He can have them if he wants to. Imo it isn't about liking dc in general but those particular dc - who will likely bare characteristics of the man you love. Either by nature or nurture...isn't that worth investing a bit of your time?

LittleOwl153 · 29/01/2024 10:24

I don't think at this point you need a big issue of it. If DH is taking them when he wants to and HE is doing the childcare then I'd let him crack on. (If he's using annual leave and that means he's missing out on stuff with you then you either need to book him out earlier or accept he makes choices).

If he's relying on you ir expecting you to take over whilst he works, potters in the shed etc then I think you just need to say No can doo. I'm off out see you later or whatever and leave him to it. He'll soon see the light if he actually doesn't want to do it all alone.

I'd make sure that you stay well clear of such childcare long before you retire though...

Aptique · 29/01/2024 10:24

I have a 1yo and 7yo and I can tell you that at your Gc ages it's very hard work. I really wouldn't ask that of anyone because it's a very big ask. Are they expecting you to do it while dh is there or on your own? You could do it on the odd occasion but I would make it clear that it isn't a set arrangement.

NeutralView · 29/01/2024 10:25

Can your DH take care of them in their own house? That way, you can help him for a couple of hours, but also have the option of going home.

I would give it a chance spending time with them, grandkids can bring so much joy into a home, you might surprise yourself.

Dancingontheedge · 29/01/2024 10:29

Just politely and calmly keep your boundaries. And never get in the way of your DH caring for the grandchildren. Yes, it seems odd and indifferent to me, but you are not me and you make your own choices.
It would be reasonable IMO for you to step in as emergency care when other options fail and there are no alternatives.

Reugny · 29/01/2024 10:30

YANBU

If you don't want to look after them clearly say so if and when asked. Children are hard work.

Plenty of people regardless of age don't like spending full days with children. I had a friend (now deceased) who would happily baby sit for a few hours but not for a full day. Her own children realised this, but her step-children had to be told.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 29/01/2024 10:34

YANBU, but it doesn't sound like an issue at the moment. Your husband takes leave when he agrees to look after the children.

Is there pressure for you to do more, or are you looking to pre-empt that?

WandaWonder · 29/01/2024 10:36

Just say no but I presume if he keeps on taking annual leave you won't be having any holidays with him if he runs out of leave?

Mothership4two · 29/01/2024 10:47

MIL made it very clear she wasn't up for any childminding when I was pregnant with my first ("I am not going to be one of those grandmothers who devote their retirement to their grandchildren") and she was biologically related to DS. I didn't have a problem with her saying that actually (at the time I thought "well that's telling me!") but I knew where I stood with her. She and my late FIL did a little bit of babysitting very occasionally and she did look after her daughter's children one day a week.

YANBU - I don't think you are awful at all, but would be clear so there are no expectations of you and leave it to your DH (but don't get roped in).

Laiste · 29/01/2024 10:47

So it sounds at the mo as if you specifically aren't being asked to participate in the looking after days. Is that right? If so - just cruise on as you are and don't make any speeches about anything.

The day your DH asks you to cancel stuff to join him on his childcare day you can tell him you're not really up for it, but to be honest he should know you well enough by now to know that would be the case surely?

If the issue is that you don't like the number of days DH is taking out of his annual leave to have his grandkids, then that's tough titty really. IMHO. His days are his own, just as yours are.

Ellie1015 · 29/01/2024 10:48

If dh is unable to take AL to help and you are asked to have them alone then you should say something until that point no issue.

The fact dh takes AL suggests he really wants to babysit or is aware already you wouldn't want to do it alone.

As an occasional back up plan I would help though, I would only have an issue if it became expected/usual.

Diamondcurtains · 29/01/2024 10:52

Definitely not unreasonable. I have 3 children. The eldest is an adult and disabled. I’ve made it very clear to my other 2 kids that I’m not going to be doing lots of childcare if they ever have kids. I’ve done my bit. My eldest still needs caring for and will for his whole life.

Laiste · 29/01/2024 10:53

@Mothership4two - MIL made it very clear she wasn't up for any childminding when I was pregnant with my first

Oh i got that speech from my Mother when i fell for my eldest 😳I'd had no intention of asking her for loads of childcare, I was young, but married and mortgaged and very independent. It came out of the blue. It was over 20 years ago now - but you don't forget that sort of thing do you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/01/2024 10:53

You don’t need to bring it up with him or make any sort of announcement. Let him make plans he’ll honour, go out if you don’t fancy helping, decline any requests just to you.

TinyTeachr · 29/01/2024 10:56

It's totally reasonable for you to choose what you do with your free time. You don't have to provide any childcare.

If your DH chooses to, that's his shout. Just don't get drawn in. It's the same as any other hobby he may wish to use his leave for.

He polite to everyone, but that doesn't mean you have to provide childcare. Say nothing unless asked, but if you are just be calm and polite and state that you aren't available to do baby sitting in the holidays.

It may affect the relationship you have with them. But as long as you aren't rude it's not likely to do much damage.

caringcarer · 29/01/2024 10:58

I'd let your DH crack on if he wants to use a few days of his leave caring for his dgc. You don't have to join in if you don't want to. 5 and a baby are hard work when they get to 10 and 5 they will be easier. I think my MiL found my DS a handful when he was younger but FiL always invited him alone for a week on the summer holidays because they lived by seaside. Fil took time off to care for him and take him out and about. Mil cooked meals but rarely went out with them. Now my DS is an adult and FiL has died,. Mil is living alone and in her 80's and is always delighted when my DS goes up to visit her. She is always issuing my DS invitations to visit her.

ilovesooty · 29/01/2024 10:58

ElevenSeven · 29/01/2024 10:20

‘No, sorry, I won’t be able to do that.’

Change subject. Walk off, anything you need to.

Don’t get dragged into it

This, but don't apologise.

Beautiful3 · 29/01/2024 11:05

I would tell husband, " I'm sorry I don't want to commit to childcare over the holidays. You can do what you want to, but I won't be helping." That way he can't try to rope you into it. Kids that age are such hard work, I was glad when mine got to age 6.

ToWorkOrNotToWork · 29/01/2024 11:07

yanbu

you don’t even really need to justify it! you shouldnt feel obliged to care for your (step)grandchildren in the 21st century.

I’d never expect gps to provide holiday care for my kids, If they want to help for a day here or there, or have the occasional sleepover - then sure, that’s great and I very happily pack them up for a stay with them GPs. But there’s no expectation. There are zillions of holiday clubs that are fantastic for school age kids - Our local authority does a cheap one which is amazing.

I guess my exception might be if the parents were really unwell or the kids had SEN - I’d try and provide some respite support if I could

Hankunamatata · 29/01/2024 11:08

If dh wants to do it he takes leave or unpaid leave.

ShoePalaver · 29/01/2024 11:09

I don't leave my 2 with either grandma all day..it's hard work! (I suspect they are much older than you but that's not really the point - full days are a big ask) And if you don't have your own children I would think it even less reasonable. I wonder how much childcare your husband did when his daughter was young? Did he do any at all?

I would just be honest, if asked, and say that while you support your husband looking after the grandchildren, and will be happy to help i an emergency for for a couple of hours here and there, you don't want to look after them on your own for full days as it's too much, you want to keep your time free for work as needed and your existing interests. You can support by appearing for an hour here and there for example if he's getting the baby down for a nap and needs someone to sit with the 5 year old, or helping get the lunch ready while he plays with them etc. He'll be run ragged with 2 children that age so will be very grateful for any help I'm sure, as well as any time you spend in sole charge!

Also I feel like if your husband has a few days ion his own with them he'll realise why you aren't keen

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 29/01/2024 11:09

Windymcwindyson · 29/01/2024 10:23

No need for a big speech surely? He can have them if he wants to. Imo it isn't about liking dc in general but those particular dc - who will likely bare characteristics of the man you love. Either by nature or nurture...isn't that worth investing a bit of your time?

Well no, not necessarily. If OP didn’t want her own children then presumably she wouldn’t find the company of other people’s children particularly life-enhancing regardless of any characteristics they may have inherited from her husband. Like OP, I am childfree so wouldn’t choose to spend my time looking after anybody else’s.

RosePetals86 · 29/01/2024 11:09

Just be honest! If you dh wants to commit that’s fine but you dont have to. Maternal GM should be picking up the slack also- not step GM!