Looking after Grandchildren

[RubyRed55]

My Step daughter has 2 young children (baby and 5 yr old)
I've never really been a big 'children' person. I enjoy seeing them occasionally and I am known as nan to them which is lovely. I work part-time and DH full-time. Occasionally we have been asked if we can have GC some days during school holidays.
DH has to take annual leave to accommodate these days.
I like having them for a couple of hours -but I don't want to get involved in having them for full days during school holidays as they get older. I'm just being honest.
DH can if that's what he wishes - but it's really not for me.
My work schedule although part time can be quite haphazard and I cover job share holidays etc so I can't commit in advance anyway.
I've never wanted children of my own, enjoy my life the way it is, and don't have a close relationship with my SD.
AIBU?
If I mention this to DH, I feel like he'll think I'm an unkind person.
I'm perfectly happy GC visiting/helping out for a couple of hours here and there - but I just don't want to set a precedent for childcare during school holidays as time goes on. Maternal grandmother's work FT.
Am I awful?
How do I navigate?

Just let your DH look after them and you carry on working or with your own plans. That's fine if you don't want to look after them but don't stop your DH if he does want to look after his own GC. He's well within his rights to do that.

The kids will feel it too. They're better off with people that want them there and not resentful of their presence esp as they get older. Yanbu

The OP isn't saying that she will never help out or be there on emergencies. She's just saying that she doesn't want to drift into a situation where she ends up being expected to help care for the children regularly or for full days. And that's fair enough. They aren't hers and it's natural that she doesn't feel about them the way that their grandad does. She is being perfectly nice and friendly and kind when they visit, she just doesn't want her time to gradually be sucked into providing childcare.

And I think it's a fair concern that her husband leaves time for her too. Yes, he has a child and grandchildren and of course he has a right to see them and to help his daughter. But he also chose to marry the OP, who doesn't have children and he owes her some time and consideration too. This is a situation for him to balance and a natural consequence of blending families.

I do feel for the step daughter too - it's not easy being part of a blended family or feeling like you can't ask your dad for too much help because it imposes on your step mum. And in these families everyone has to bend a bit. But ultimately, childcare is hard and tiring and it's not really fair to ask it of the OP, bar emergencies or an occasional favour.

yanbu. It’s up to you. But you might, if you felt comfortable, Offer to pick the children up from the odd 3pm finish holiday camp, at her than them stay extended hours every day (or something like that). Ie you might find you’re able to help around the edges, rather than needing to commit a whole day.

My mother when was very vocal on not providing childcare when I was expecting DD and then DS. And she kept to her word.

They even moved aboard when the kids were toddlers - so couldn't provide childcare.

There were times when I really needed help and she refused. It did hurt but she is mum not my step mum.

You need to be honest from the start. If your happy to help in an emergency then say that but also say I am not going to sign up for a permanent arrangement.
one of my friends is going through a similar thing with her daughter. She seems to have gone from the odd looking after to now having them twice a week and they don’t even go to school yet. She moans all the time about it but doesn’t seem to want to tell her daughter “no”.
I have 7 DC and when they are all grown up myself and my DH will be having a week earned rest. I will be there in an emergency but will not commit to being a childminder for my GC

I think women who have had children and therefore spent years putting in the hard slog of raising them, do often get to a point where we are so tired and just run out of energy to do it again with the next generation.
And we want to catch up on the things we couldn't do earlier, because we were in the thick of it with small children.
I've become increasingly aware of my own mortality and want to do some things just for me now, before it's too late.
I think this is why a lot of posters are being told by their own parents not to expect childcare. And adult kids often do expect it!
Some of my mum's friends are completely knackered looking after young grandchildren, that their kids have had in their 30's, when the gps should really be relaxing and pleasing themselves at this stage.

Just say you can't provide childcare due to work commitments.

I think it is expected these days that family help out.

The last time houses were this expensive compared to salary was 1876. My food bill is regularly £170 a week (used to be £100ish).

It feels like millennials are screwed. Both parents expected to work (often full time), the world is crazy expensive, still paying off our student loan. It's hideous for a variety of reasons. More hideous than 30 years ago. Childcare is expensive.

I mean it's up to you at end of day but it's so much harder these days to be a mother. I almost wish I lived 40 years earlier.

Do something to make you a less appealing baby sitter. My Mum’s friend taught us how to use a lighter when we were really young. She was never “allowed” to look after us alone again. I think that was part of the plan. My Dad’s aunt tried to feed us asparagus and parma ham in cheese sauce and complained that we wouldn’t eat it. She wasn’t asked to feed us again. Be creative!

It's not odd not to want to babysit other people's children.

I think it is expected these days that family help out.

It should never be ‘expected’.

I think "expected" is the right word. Close family and friends... I expect them to help me out when I'm drowning, when I'm struggling, when I'm at the end of my rope.

And they do the same with me. I expect to help out close friends/family in times of need.

Obviously there are times it's not possible and that's ok. My dad lives miles away and never helps me with anything. It works the other way round too, as my mum ages, I expect to help her more and more.

As a family we all help each other. That's what families do.

You’re perfectly within your rights to say no to any and all childcare. You didn’t choose to have these children and they aren’t your responsibility.

That said, I do think it’s mean. So far as I can see you’re being asked to do a few ad hoc days not commit to regular childcare. It’s a comparatively small ask to help your step daughter. You’re allowed to say no and discuss your reluctance with your husband it just seems selfish to be willing to offer no full days ever - you’re allowed to be selfish but it’s not very nice.

Another poster who thinks it's fine and understandable that you don't want to do it,

You haven't mentioned whether your feeling is that your DH will expect you to help i.e. he'll volunteer thinking he can just palm all the work into you?

Personally I see no reason for you to get involved in the conversation, it's between your DH and his daughter. I would also make sure that if DH books to look after the children in your day off (or asks when your day off is) that you do commit and are not available/go out. I think subtle actions are stronger than words. It's his place to discuss this with you not the other way around.

Lastly I get what you say about him thinking you're mean. The pressure is always on women to do childcare, very rarely men. Society still seems to think that women's time is worth less than men's. How very dare we put ourselves first!