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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking after Grandchildren

90 replies

RubyRed55 · 29/01/2024 10:19

My Step daughter has 2 young children (baby and 5 yr old)
I've never really been a big 'children' person. I enjoy seeing them occasionally and I am known as nan to them which is lovely. I work part-time and DH full-time. Occasionally we have been asked if we can have GC some days during school holidays.
DH has to take annual leave to accommodate these days.
I like having them for a couple of hours -but I don't want to get involved in having them for full days during school holidays as they get older. I'm just being honest.
DH can if that's what he wishes - but it's really not for me.
My work schedule although part time can be quite haphazard and I cover job share holidays etc so I can't commit in advance anyway.
I've never wanted children of my own, enjoy my life the way it is, and don't have a close relationship with my SD.
AIBU?
If I mention this to DH, I feel like he'll think I'm an unkind person.
I'm perfectly happy GC visiting/helping out for a couple of hours here and there - but I just don't want to set a precedent for childcare during school holidays as time goes on. Maternal grandmother's work FT.
Am I awful?
How do I navigate?

OP posts:
Boobettes · 29/01/2024 22:35

YANBU at all.

But if one of them is 5, how come you're only trying to navigate this now? Has it not been a problem in the past?

Andthereyougo · 29/01/2024 22:35

Wishimaywishimight · 29/01/2024 10:22

Have you been asked to have them for full days without DH? Is so, just say "I'd rather not, I'm not comfortable looking after small children on my own".

This is perfect.

madeleine85 · 29/01/2024 22:43

My mother in law sat us down when pregnant to tell us that she would look after the children at her choosing, had raised her children, and didn't want to be a babysitter. We weren't going to ask her to look after our brood, but having that clearly laid out made it very easy to navigate. I really respect her upfront attitude to it. Just tell them how you feel.

Justifiedcheese · 29/01/2024 22:48

LuckySantangelo35 · 29/01/2024 11:26

Soooooo refreshing to see a thread in support of a stepmum and especially one saying that a middle aged woman can have boundaries and doesn’t need to bend to every demand of her family!

Except there's the usual coldly transactional contingent basically saying "well, don't expect good relationships or any being looked after in your old age if you don't provide childcare". Depressing actually.

Lavenderosa · 29/01/2024 22:50

Of course you're not awful!

I'm retired and I look after my grandchildren sometimes for a few days and it's knackering. I couldn't love them more and we have a lot of fun together but I'm always ready to kiss them goodbye by the end of day 3. I honestly don't think I could do it at all if they weren't my actual grandchildren.

Some people are the earth mother type and although I used to have a fantasy that I'd be like that, when the time came I realised I wasn't. I loved (and still love) my children passionately but caring for young children was much harder than I'd imagined.

I think if I were you, I wouldn't mention how you feel to your husband as you're afraid he'll think you are unkind. Perhaps you could just deal with each request as it comes up and let him decide if he's willing to give up his own holiday time. Make it clear that you can't commit in advance because of work. If there's any suggestion of you having them on your own, you could always say that as you've never had any of your own, you don't feel qualified / safe / experienced enough for the responsibility.

Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 29/01/2024 22:50

I think looking after them for a couple of hours or supporting your DH to look after them is still helpful! I think full days are exhausting, my mum does them with her partner, and they both find it very hard going these days and she tends to leave him to it if possible. Both are more than happy to step up in emergencies, for cover for unexpected things, the odd day here and there but regular childcare is beyond that.

I don't think I could look after a baby for a whole day these days, a small child possibly, but I'm honestly not thinking I'll have much to offer in that department by the time I retire which will be in a lot of years...

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/01/2024 22:54

I think you should do what many men do.

Be very clear in your own mind what you will and will not do. Carry on in your merry way knowing that you aren’t going to do anything you don’t want to.

If asked, say “no that doesn’t work for me” or similar.

Your husband looking after the kids when he wants is totally reasonable though - just don’t step in at all, as you haven’t agreed to that. Be shocked if anyone ever suggests you might.

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2024 23:01

Windymcwindyson · 29/01/2024 10:23

No need for a big speech surely? He can have them if he wants to. Imo it isn't about liking dc in general but those particular dc - who will likely bare characteristics of the man you love. Either by nature or nurture...isn't that worth investing a bit of your time?

Some people just aren't 'into' children

They shouldn't be made to feel guilty that they're not up for childcare

sandyhappypeople · 29/01/2024 23:06

I don't think you're unreasonable to not want to offer childcare yourself, but I think you should think carefully as to if this will have an effect the relationship your husband has with the grandchildren, if you saying you don't want them in the house means he can't look after them either then that's not fair if your husband actually wants them there.

You should just go out for a bit instead if you can't handle the whole day with them and let your husband take care of them, it's a bit too much to expect him to take both children out on his own all day to be out of your way.

I do think you should try it though before deciding it's not for you, having the grandchildren there without the parents is a different thing to them visiting for a few hours with the parents. My MIL has our daughter for a couple of hours every few weeks or so and they have such a close bond.

As long as you husband makes it clear it shouldn't be assumed you'll be the go to for childcare cover in the holidays and it's by specific arrangement only I think you'll be fine.

ACow · 29/01/2024 23:11

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Flatandhappy · 29/01/2024 23:14

I’m a believe in open communication so would say to your DH that you think it’s great he wants a relationship with his GD and is happy to look after them, but as he knows you have chosen to be child free so it’s not for you except the occasional few hours. I would suggest he looks after the kids at their house if he volunteers. In a lot of cases grandad offers childcare as he wants to look good but grandma actually does the caring, especially with babies.

NightDreaming · 29/01/2024 23:18

YANBU, but as others have said i think this in a non-issue for now. You don’t need to talk with your Stepchildren about it.

maybe be ready to talk to your partner though. Along the lines of has he thought through how much cover he’s happy to do for them.

I think you said it’s only a been a handful of days so far, and your partner has clearly been happy to cover, which is very nice of him. However as each school holiday/year comes up if it seems like they are asking for more & more help maybe you could talk with your partner about offering a set number of cover days. It shouldn’t be difficult for him to say he’s happy to use up 5 days of leave per year to help them, as an example.

So they know where they stand, he doesn’t lose all his leave to childcare, and you don’t run the risk of having to awkwardly say no to them, or take in more then you (your partner) want to deal with.

EveryDayIsASchoolDayOnMN · 29/01/2024 23:31

Did you miss something off of you OP? Has there been a conversation about full days?

It doesnt say you have been asked to do anything as far as I can see 🤔

Edit - as in YOU personally. Your H seems to have it covered by taking days off

6pence · 29/01/2024 23:37

Just drop in conversation with the step kids how you love being with the littlies for a few hours and how wonderful it is they have the energy to handle them all day as you couldn’t have done it even years ago when you were younger let alone now. Joke that was the reason you chose to be child free.

So you are getting the message across in a fairly light hearted context which will hopefully preempt them asking you for whole days.

Josette77 · 30/01/2024 00:05

I am not a grandma but I love children. Always wanted them and so on.

Yanbu. You sound like a lovely Nan to them. If your DH wants to do childcare he can do it on his own.

Frozenasarock · 30/01/2024 00:07

RosePetals86 · 29/01/2024 11:09

Just be honest! If you dh wants to commit that’s fine but you dont have to. Maternal GM should be picking up the slack also- not step GM!

No maternal GM should not be “picking up the slack”. The only people who are obliged to look after the children are their parents - there is no “slack” to pick up. Yes, at that age kids are hard work, but that’s what they signed up for. It’s hardly an enormous surprise that children need childcare in the school holidays either.

Yes, it’s great when Grandparents can help, but they are not obliged to. The problem here is not maternal GM!

BreakingAndBroke · 30/01/2024 00:16

Do what you are comfortable with doing. She won't expect you to drop everything. If you can't do it, she'll make other arrangements, it's no biggie.

devined · 30/01/2024 00:17

You see this is why I hate divorce. As a child of divorced people, I need to put up with this shit all the time. The stepparents always don't want to get too involved. Same on my husbands side. His dad doesn't get why his wife wants to spend time with her kids and he makes it very clear it's not his "job"

devined · 30/01/2024 00:20

My broken family ruined my childhood and the effects are still happening well into adulthood. Someone will be along in a moment to say they had a great step family/blended family but really it doesn't happen often.

People treat their own flesh and blood more favourably in my experience.

Klcak · 30/01/2024 00:38

It’s not as clear cut as people are making out on this thread.

“just say no”
”she’ll make other arrangements”

i mean it looks ok on paper, but in reality families help eachother. Often bending over backwards to help. Childcare is expensive and it’s really difficult, particularly for women, when kids are little. The majority of people do have family help with kids.

I would just ask are you real family or not? Do you want to be? You don’t have to be. You can easily say you aren’t comfortable hemping and keep her/them at arms length. But these actions may have consequences in the future. I wonder if your dh feels stuck in the middle of this.

my friend once desperately needed holiday child care and asked her parents. Her parents wanted to help her more than anything. So much so that they even took the child to their hospital appointment (the grandparent’s appointment). They didn’t tell my friend beforehand as she obviously would not have made them do this.

Boomboomshakeshaketheroom · 30/01/2024 00:49

TinyYellow · 29/01/2024 22:19

If no one is asking you to do it, then there’s no need for you to mention it.

Agreed. Just be unavailable if you're ever asked. You shouldn't get in the way of your husband taking time off work to do it though, if that's what he wants.

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 30/01/2024 00:57

Occasional few hours and emergencies is more than reasonable. Your husband can choose to do more if he would like but don't think this is on you

Fraaahnces · 30/01/2024 01:08

If you have no relationship with SD who is asking you to look after these kids? Her or your DH? Either way, YADNBU.

Avacardo2023 · 30/01/2024 01:11

You are being more than reasonable. They are so much hard work at the moment. In several years when they get older and you can take them to the cinema or they can play alone at home then they might be ok to look after but until then let your DH do it if he wants to.

HoppingPavlova · 30/01/2024 02:30

Agree with others, apart from genuine medical emergencies etc, it’s up to your DH to take leave to facilitate this if he wants to. Don’t feel bad.

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