Looking after Grandchildren

[RubyRed55]

My Step daughter has 2 young children (baby and 5 yr old)
I've never really been a big 'children' person. I enjoy seeing them occasionally and I am known as nan to them which is lovely. I work part-time and DH full-time. Occasionally we have been asked if we can have GC some days during school holidays.
DH has to take annual leave to accommodate these days.
I like having them for a couple of hours -but I don't want to get involved in having them for full days during school holidays as they get older. I'm just being honest.
DH can if that's what he wishes - but it's really not for me.
My work schedule although part time can be quite haphazard and I cover job share holidays etc so I can't commit in advance anyway.
I've never wanted children of my own, enjoy my life the way it is, and don't have a close relationship with my SD.
AIBU?
If I mention this to DH, I feel like he'll think I'm an unkind person.
I'm perfectly happy GC visiting/helping out for a couple of hours here and there - but I just don't want to set a precedent for childcare during school holidays as time goes on. Maternal grandmother's work FT.
Am I awful?
How do I navigate?

Not sure just refusing and walking off is a great way to communicate with your husband..surely you can sit down and have a conversation about it.

Totally agree with pp that you're entitled to your own boundaries, but you say you are worried DH will think you are unkind- he may think this. It doesn't mean you actually are unkind, but he may feel a bit hurt. Talk about it with him. Ultimately his feelings about it may be a consequence you'll have to accept if you don't want to get involved with his GC. You're not unreasonable though. Maybe to spare your SD's feelings you could emphasise the angle of having no experience with young children ie not qualified to do it, as opposed to just not wanting to (which is perfectly valid- just thinking of tact and diplomacy!)

No you don't @Laiste. Sorry to hear that about your mum - that's harsh. I have never really put myself out for her since then although I would have done anything for my FIL who was a lovely man. She is mid 80s now and, fortunately, very fit, active, still drives and has a good social life, but down the road I wouldn't ever have her living with us, especially as she has three other children who could take her and I am an only child (I'm reserving a spot for my parents!). She'd also be a bit of a nightmare TBH which DH recognises. I am perfectly friendly to her and have done things to help her out but don't go out of my way (if that makes sense?) and DH does loads for her. But her attitude is my attitude.

Fortunately DPs have and will go above and beyond for both DS!

YANBU but I would avoid making a Big Announcement about it. Just wait until a situation crops up where you are asked and say you cannot do it at that point.

Agree with PP, much better if DH has them in their own home.

Well, I think it's fine, but equally, you'll probably end up with a more distant relationship.

The only thing I think is maybe unreasonable is you thinking there is something unusual about asking her grandfather to take time off to care for his grandchildren, that seems like a pretty normal situation to me.

Soooooo refreshing to see a thread in support of a stepmum and especially one saying that a middle aged woman can have boundaries and doesn’t need to bend to every demand of her family!

Can you make yourself scarce, i.e hide at work whilst your DH cares for them? He may feel inclined to do so, you neither have to blocker the request, nor be a willing participant. I’d revert to him and say ‘I’m at work on those days, hope you all have fun!’.

Just be honest.

I also don't agree that maternal grandparents MUST look after grandchildren. The only people who must look after children are parents and people paid to do so... everyone else is kindness and willingness on their part...

Don't do it , simples .

If you aren't particularly bonded to the kids or to your step daughter, I can well understand why you wouldn't want to spend your time doing the relentless work that is childcare!
I wouldn't have a big, full on discussion about it though - not everything has to be said out loud. I would just not volunteer to help or be available. Your dh will learn that if he agrees to do childcare then it's him who will actually be doing it and not you. No need to state out loud that you don't feel about them the way that he does because even though you are right, it might still be a bit hurtful to him to hear it said. Unless he does try to pressure you into being there with him all the time, in which case I'd say it's okay to be more blunt.

He should understand that someone who chose not to have kids , is unlikely to want to do lots of childcare.

I to also think he has a responsibility to you not to fill up all his time with the kids. He must remember he's a husband too and leave done time for you both to do things together.

Pleasantly surprised and grateful of all the support regarding this! I expected to be hung out to dry, so makes me feel less unreasonable. I am happy to help occasionally for a few hours, but I don't have childcare experience and don't want to end up being allocated holiday childcare for 'full days' on my days off work. I also have elderly parents, so down the line i could potentially end up getting my plate overly full with things. I won't offer/mention anything and just go with it and see how it plays out down the line, but have the confidence to say no to full days.

I’m a grandmother of several and right from the start I said I wouldn’t be doing any childcare. Shocked faces all around. I don’t mind the odd day here or there but I brought up three children abroad so just had to get on with it. I’m now enjoying not having any ties and being able to travel and do things spontaneously. Don’t feel guilty. Just be honest!

I am in my 60s and will watch grandchildren for a few hours, but not full days. I had no help because we lived away from family, so I never got so much as an hour of childcare without paying for it. I have chronic pain and like my freedom to get out and about on days when my pain is less. My children, not being self-involved twats, completely understand.

Just wait and see what they do, you can't have had many school holidays so far so it might be that they don't ask for much anyway.

I'd be tempted to fill my calendar with various bits and bobs for the coming Easter holidays whilst I get the measure of how much they're likely to ask 😬

Im child free by choice and this is why i wouldnt date a man with even grown up kids because a lot of grandparents are expected to do child care now even the step ones (though not so much the step grandads i bet)

Er hang on a min. On the step parents board its all "well you knew he had kids" So surely the same principle should apply here. Her DH knew she was child free and not interested in having kids.

And the unkind trope does not get trotted out when its the step dad

Maybe something like " I'm sorry I have no experience looking after young children so I don't feel comfortable taking care of them." Assuming you are asked directly by anyone involved, SD or DP. No need to prepare a big speech or anything.

I totally understand why this is causing you concern. I would hate that kind of imposition myself.

When my DD was born my MIL said, before being asked, that she would not be available for regular childcare but would be very happy to support in emergencies.
i wonder if it’s better for you to set your stall out from the offset and say that you don’t want to commit to regular childcare.
the children are her problem, not yours. Do not be made to feel guilty for this, they are not your responsibility.

I'm not suggesting OP is unkind in the slightest! But she's worried this may be her husband's reaction and I do think there is a risk he will feel a little bit hurt, because people are irrational about their children and grandchildren, so even if he knows logically that she has always chosen not to have anything to do with kids, it still may hurt a little in reality to see her making herself scarce when his beloved GC are around. This is just human nature. I could be completely wrong. But I'm trying to address the concern the OP is expressing, ie how can she set this boundary sensitively and tactfully.

At least you’re honest. I know you say you aren’t close but surely she knows you actively chose not to have children, if you didn’t want to look after your own, why would you want to look after anyone else’s.

Why is this coming up now when the eldest child is 5.
What has occurred previously with regards to childcare?
How long have you and dh been together?
Or has sd only just began to work.
Regardless you don't have an obligation and I would just have a heart to heart with dh if he mentions it to you and be honest that you enjoy spending a couple of hrs with the dgc but not all day and do not want to commit.
I doubt sd will ask you if your not close- that would be cheeky!

If no one is asking you to do it, then there’s no need for you to mention it.

Surely you have a good excuse if you work haphazard hours / days……just say you are working?

Just say you are happy to help ,but not on your own. You seem to have a good RL with her ,she may not be angling anyway. Not up to you

He can offer to do whatever he wants, including having them round for a whole day. But you are under no obligation to do so or to join in.