Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

Because we lived apart for 4 years and it was the next step. Because our kids constantly asked “when are you two going to get married?” Because we each lived in quite a small place but by joining our finances we could afford a lovely big house with a room each for the kids.

I kinda went with... 'I married you because I fell in love you, I did not fall in love with your children"
" In fact they annoy me, but I'm gonna make a better relationship with them".Kids are grown up 39 and 42 I have a daughter 33 and grandchildren, my wife dotes on them so I feel bad that I'm unable to feel that for her kids.
This as caused problems

@LousySpice My mother wasn't abusive or neglectful until she moved my evil stepfather in. Infact, people commented on what a good mother she was and I have many fond early childhood memories. A lot of women put their partners above the safety and wellbeing of their children and allow or join in the abuse.

That is very Sad, 😢

Not all families work. Not all blended families work. You can't generalise.

The parents always think it’s working and everyone’s happy. The children… not so much.

Growing up in the 90s I had quite a few friends in this situation, it was always messy and sad. And I feel so sorry for children when their parent has further children with a new partner.

What I said was rubbish is that it NEVER works . Or that anyone who says it can work is “blind and doesn’t want to see”. Of course, it often doesn’t work (just like first marriages) but if it’s done right, it can work very well.

But then again of course ALL stepfathers are rapist murderers, who us mothers chose at random and dragged in off the street to move them into our homes before they’d even met our kids. 🙄

Out of interest, how many kids in school are fucked up by dysfunctional marriages between their biological parents? Maybe nobody should ever marry or have children. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why do we need/want to live together?

For all the reasons @LousySpice said. I want to be there for my DH, and to have him there for me. I like waking up next to him. We can have a nicer life pooling resources.

But also, there are huge benefits to my DD (his DSD). To name but a few:

• She gets to see me in a positive and supportive relationship- I think role modelling that for her is important.
• She gets to build a relationship with my DH and her step siblings.
• She bluntly gets a better quality of life when we pool our finances, have a bigger house etc.
• I work hard, that means I can’t pick her up every day from school- but between us, DH and I can.
• She loves the stories he tells her at bedtime as a treat if I’m not around to read to her- he’s more creative than me.
• He’s a much better cook!!! She much prefers days when he’s on cooking duty!!

I guess so, that capacity/potential was always there. But I do think what you've said is sometimes true!

I grew up with 3 step brothers and a half brother. (Also have 2 step brothers and a half brother I’ve never met) lost my step dad, I was with him caring for him and there when he died. A few months later I cared for my mama until she died. A few months later I’m heavily pregnant in a refuge with my disabled son. I haven’t heard from a single one of them since dads funeral 3 years ago. I assume if we were biologically related they’d care more? Or maybe I’m just not a nice person but it’s tough for sure.

I think the post should really say: not all people should become parents. It's more about people not being fit to raise or even have children, rather than "blended families". Of course, there are amazing parents and step-parents out there, but there are too many who should not be having children. I feel so sorry for kids.

Sex.

I have two close friends who were brought up by stepfathers and both were given a life far superior to the one they would have had by the biological fathers. I am a SM and hope that I am an extra support for my SC.

I agree.

I wouldn't consider dating a man with children. I don't want to be a stepmother.

Luckily my DH and I are both childfree.

The snobbery on this thread is quite revolting.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than moving in with another man, so in that vein I’ll never blend my family. I’ll date when I’m ready but never move a man in. Especially if he has kids.

My ex move his gf of a year in recently, she’s an absolute nightmare. Clearly hates my existence and resents the children. Her behaviour is atrocious and the kids are suffering big time. But hey as long as he’s happy 🙄

Nor do some single parent families.

My friend left her DH and decided to live alone with her three daughters. No other man involved. No abuse, just my friend felt that she wasn’t happy and fulfilled.

Two of the girls went off the rails - they resented my friend leaving their Dad.

Now, 30 years on, she’s still estranged from the eldest girl.

They wanted their Dad to be back living with them.

They hated being a single parent household.

Things can go wrong, whatever you do.😗

@LousySpice yes, that's very true. The potential must've always been there.

I guess the people who can really answer is the children

and the answer you may get six months into living together might not be the same as when they are adults having lived all together for a number of years

and not to be asked by their parents !

i only know of one child from blended families who is happy the rest including my own there is arguments and sadness

of course these exist in all families but blended families is a forced setting with complex situations it’s completely different to a family setting

Thank you for saying this. My DSD's 'mother' was a neglectful alcoholic... she's now dead.

I'm not claiming to be a perfect person but I do try to be a support for my DSD, a stable adult presence in her life. She's 9. Sometimes we have a good laugh together, and sometimes she can be really annoying. Like my bio kids.

I don't love her 'as my own' but I do love her and I work on our relationship.

I really hate the judgemental tone on this thread. Both DH and I were formerly widowed with children each. We're really trying hard to rebuild a nice life for us all and I think the children do benefit from being brought up by a stable couple with a good relationship. We're also entitled to be happy ourselves and that does not make us 'selfish'.

Given that all blended families generally arise from two non-blended families not working… I’d say that family life and relationships are just bloody hard all round?

@PilgorTheGoat snobbery? From who? I'm as WC as they come and one of those scum of the earth single mums on UC. I still won't move some random in.

@Edsspecialsauce actually, as a teacher, I’ve met many children of single parents who actively wish for a step parent and siblings so they can be a “proper” family.

I’ve also met kids in blended families who are very unhappy, nuclear families who are very unhappy, nuclear families who are very happy and kids in blended families who are very happy.

There is no one size fits all.

Many blended families don’t work. Not necessarily because they are blended per se, but because the adults in them often have failed to reflect and deal with the issues that caused their previous relationship to fail.

This then bleeds into the new relationship and impacts children who definitely didn’t ask to be involved.

Of course, for the above to be true, the fact that many relationships in general just fail.

It’s the double impact on the children that makes opinions about blended families so strong. There is strong feeling involved right from the start, on the part of all the adults involved, the children.

I do think blended families can work, but they take even more communication and work than standard mum/dad/children ones.

Many families don't work!
I know several blended families that work very well, where children are supported better than traditional families, more caring adults to care for them. Some don't work. Financial stability also helps.