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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask ds to stay elsewhere while we're on holiday

87 replies

holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 12:38

Ds is not very trustworthy, he's very absent minded leaves taps running and goes off to work, forgets to turn off lights, leaves doors unlocked etc.
He has ADHD.
He's 23 now and last year we trusted him while we had a long weekend away as a sort of first time to see how it would go but when we returned he'd had people in which we specifically made clear he was not to do while we weren't there but he ignored this and had people stay over, he denied this at first until we found empty drinks and other evidence so he admitted he'd had people to stay, the place was an absolute tip.

We've booked a holiday this year and it's causing so much anxiety, he can't get the time off work now to come with us as was the original plan and we can't relax with him home alone.
Would it be unreasonable to ask him to stay elsewhere while we're away so we can lock the house up and relax?
We don't have family near by and he has work but I was thinking a local friend or a cheap b&b or something.
Otherwise I think we'll have to cancel.

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNightCapwithSanta · 27/01/2024 12:41

The fact that he had friends over when you told him he couldn't is your saving grace here. Easier to tell him he can't stay as he broke your trust last time rather than because he won't remember to lock up. He had his chance and blew it.

Maray1967 · 27/01/2024 12:44

Yes, I’d agree. Cheap b & b, but if you’re expecting him to pay for it then you can’t expect him to pay board for that time.

He has blown his chance to be treated like a responsible adult and be trusted in the house on his own.

Maray1967 · 27/01/2024 12:45

My DS1 is 23 and if he had done this I’d take the same line.

Original poster
holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 12:59

Maray1967 · 27/01/2024 12:44

Yes, I’d agree. Cheap b & b, but if you’re expecting him to pay for it then you can’t expect him to pay board for that time.

He has blown his chance to be treated like a responsible adult and be trusted in the house on his own.

That seems perfectly reasonable and he wouldn't be eating with us either.

OP posts:
Walking2024now24days · 27/01/2024 13:05

Could any of the family that don't live nearby come & stay. Either WFH OR Retired??

YANBU to look at alternatives. I have stayed with relatives/friends 'kids' in similar situations.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/01/2024 13:06

At 23 is he not allowed people round?

Danioyellow · 27/01/2024 13:12

If you read the op he can’t even be trusted in the house on his own, and going by the evidence he’s had a house party and not even managed to clear up after it. The ops clearly very worried about it, he can’t be trusted. At 23 if he wants to leave doors unlocked and taps running and lights on and throw parties, then he’s free to move into his own place

Original poster
holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 13:12

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/01/2024 13:06

At 23 is he not allowed people round?

No he's not allowed people round while we're not here because neither he or his drinking buddies respect our home and so while we're not home I don't want people coming and going in our home. The cushions and blankets were laid on the sofas like beds where his mates had stayed over and we specifically said no one round.

OP posts:
Mischance · 27/01/2024 13:26

Time for him to move out and lead the life of an adult. Set a date.

Acrosstheeuniverese · 27/01/2024 13:30

Is he saving to move out?

MoonWoman69 · 27/01/2024 13:32

YANBU at all. You gave him clear instructions on what he could and couldn't do while you were away and he ignored them. Plus all the other things that you've stated that he does, I don't know how you'd be able to relax on holiday, it would probably turn out to be a waste of money and cause more stress with the worry about what was going on back home. Harsh as it sounds, try and sort out alternative accommodation, but also make sure he has absolutely everything he needs while you're away, because he shouldn't have access to the house.

Wooloohooloo · 27/01/2024 13:37

That is fairly bad. I left 17 yold DS alone for a few nights last summer & he respected the house. I let him have friends round too because I trust him. He is NT however so I'm aware it's different.

BusyMummyWrites01 · 27/01/2024 13:57

Tough one - maybe he learned his lesson? Was he contrite? Could you discuss whether he would be responsible this time? Do you think he’s grown up a the past year? Could a friend pop in a couple of times while you are away to keep an eye on things? Or are you going to hold it against him for the rest of his life?

I’d state what our expectations are if we went away, pop in a Ring doorbell/camera to let him know I can monitor him this time but also offer that if the house is as as tidy etc as we left it, there would be a housesitting bonus on our return (a decent percentage of what you are thinking of spending on a B&B).

My kids are ASD/ADHD and my eldest is now nearly 19, so I am having the discussion with DH as to when/if it is ok to leave them (with two dogs) but I know it has to be done and we have to accept there could be issues if we want them to develop independence and responsibility. Consequently we’ve put contingencies in place: we have a builder/maintenance friend who could be on standby for any disasters, a friend who would pop in to make sure the house is tidy and there are no parties. Perhaps you could do similar?

Original poster
holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 14:10

I’d state what our expectations are if we went away, pop in a Ring doorbell/camera to let him know I can monitor him this time but also offer that if the house is as as tidy etc as we left it, there would be a housesitting bonus on our return (a decent percentage of what you are thinking of spending on a B&B).*

I don't really want to pay a 23 year old to behave though and wouldn't be paying for him to stay in a b&b.
If he can't be trusted here while we're away he might have to stay elsewhere but not on us, he'll be saving his house keeping.
I do like the ring door bell idea though.

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 27/01/2024 14:12

Good God, OP

So basically some friends came round and moved some cushions?

You are acting like he had one of those teen parties you read about and the house was completely trashed and the police were called.

I get it's your house but surely it's better to have someone home rather than leaving the place empty and dark?

Your poor DS. You sound like very hard work.

WASZPy · 27/01/2024 14:18

Presumably he has keys. Wouldn't he just let himself back in once you were gone?

Theyvegotatrex · 27/01/2024 14:19

At 17 I was left home alone and had the best parties while my parents weren’t around. They were so amazing about it. I had people stay. This happened often as I was working before uni.

I’d happily let my DC have friends to stay now. It’s their home, and while it’s your DS’ home, let him have some freedom.

girljulian · 27/01/2024 14:22

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/01/2024 14:12

Good God, OP

So basically some friends came round and moved some cushions?

You are acting like he had one of those teen parties you read about and the house was completely trashed and the police were called.

I get it's your house but surely it's better to have someone home rather than leaving the place empty and dark?

Your poor DS. You sound like very hard work.

My thoughts too. You want to chuck your son out of his house AND make him pay for a B&B??

MoonWoman69 · 27/01/2024 14:25

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/01/2024 14:12

Good God, OP

So basically some friends came round and moved some cushions?

You are acting like he had one of those teen parties you read about and the house was completely trashed and the police were called.

I get it's your house but surely it's better to have someone home rather than leaving the place empty and dark?

Your poor DS. You sound like very hard work.

Absolutely not hard work! Have you not read the OP's post at all?! Her son has ADHD, despite the fact that she could come home to a flooded or burnt out house, due to lack of attention span, she also specifically asked him not to have people round and he went against her wishes. If she can't trust her own son to do as she asked for one weekend, then she has every right to put things in place to prevent anything happening whilst she is on holiday. Makes sense to me. You must be ok about your house possibly being trashed or worse then? OP is rightly not!

pikkumyy77 · 27/01/2024 14:28

If he can’t be trusted he can’t be trusted. I would move him out entirely to a flat share. He will never learn to be responsible otherwise.

Sprinkles211 · 27/01/2024 14:28

So your 21 year old son had a couple of friends over 2 years ago and had a few legal drinks and left the house a tip like kids do and now he's 23 and still not allowed to be alone in your house because his ADHD makes him untrustworthy wow! This is a wind up right? Adhd is debilitating it sounds like instead of teaching him coping methods and building a relationship you've berated him and treated him like a 14 year old.

overthinkersanonnymus · 27/01/2024 14:28

At 23 years old, he needs to learn how to not destroy the house. He's a grown man for gods sake.

Wolfiefan · 27/01/2024 14:31

So you want to kick him out of the house whilst you’re away?? It’s his home. Either you trust him to live in it or you don’t. In which case he should move out.
I also think it’s completely OTT to say he can’t have any friends over to his home.

YeahIsaidit · 27/01/2024 14:32

If you keep treating him like a child, he'll keep acting like one, what chance has the poor guy got?? His friends kipped on the sofa and had a couple of legal drinks... You cannot kick him out of his home while you go on holiday and expect him to foot the bill of alternative accommodation that's entirely unreasonable. ADHD doesn't mean completely useless either fwiw

BusyMummyWrites01 · 27/01/2024 14:33

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/01/2024 14:12

Good God, OP

So basically some friends came round and moved some cushions?

You are acting like he had one of those teen parties you read about and the house was completely trashed and the police were called.

I get it's your house but surely it's better to have someone home rather than leaving the place empty and dark?

Your poor DS. You sound like very hard work.

Yes, this. At 23 surely he should be allowed friends to visit? It’s not as if they wrecked your home, trashed it and cost you a fortune in repairs last time is it? You only knew because of bottles in the bin and a few stray cushions - ie no damage, no issues, all tidied up afterwards. Your DS simply broke your ‘rule’.

Tbh it doesn’t sound as though he is allowed to feel it is his home, despite the fact that he has a job and pays housekeeping. It seems like you treat him like a lodger?

re-reading your post it seems to me that you may have trust issues, some level of anxiety, and like to be in control. I am sure that after 23 years of parenting an ADHD child there are lots of valid reasons for this - but your son is an adult and holding down a job and many non ADHD teens/YAs stuff up, much worse than a few cushions.

Perhaps you could consider some counselling or family therapy as being this ‘controlling’ [can’t think of a gentler word for it, sorry] is not healthy for you or your son.