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AIBU?

To ask ds to stay elsewhere while we're on holiday

79 replies

holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 12:38

Ds is not very trustworthy, he's very absent minded leaves taps running and goes off to work, forgets to turn off lights, leaves doors unlocked etc.
He has ADHD.
He's 23 now and last year we trusted him while we had a long weekend away as a sort of first time to see how it would go but when we returned he'd had people in which we specifically made clear he was not to do while we weren't there but he ignored this and had people stay over, he denied this at first until we found empty drinks and other evidence so he admitted he'd had people to stay, the place was an absolute tip.

We've booked a holiday this year and it's causing so much anxiety, he can't get the time off work now to come with us as was the original plan and we can't relax with him home alone.
Would it be unreasonable to ask him to stay elsewhere while we're away so we can lock the house up and relax?
We don't have family near by and he has work but I was thinking a local friend or a cheap b&b or something.
Otherwise I think we'll have to cancel.

OP posts:
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LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 15:25

nowthelighthasgone · 27/01/2024 15:25

@LuckySantangelo35 so do you correct your children when they refer to their "home" and tell them they haven't got one yet? 😂

@nowthelighthasgone

depends on their age I guess 🤷‍♀️

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nowthelighthasgone · 27/01/2024 15:28

@LuckySantangelo35 so at 18 or 21, whatever age you say "happy birthday, you can't call here home anymore" 😂 all jokes aside I think it's really sad you feel that adult children shouldn't call their parents house home

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TheBayLady · 27/01/2024 15:28

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/01/2024 13:06

At 23 is he not allowed people round?

Obviously not, he can't look after himself never mind having loads of people to keep under control

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Honeychickpea · 27/01/2024 15:29

girljulian · 27/01/2024 14:22

My thoughts too. You want to chuck your son out of his house AND make him pay for a B&B??

No, she wants to chuck him out of HER house. A 23 year old who won't even clear up after his own party.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 15:33

nowthelighthasgone · 27/01/2024 15:28

@LuckySantangelo35 so at 18 or 21, whatever age you say "happy birthday, you can't call here home anymore" 😂 all jokes aside I think it's really sad you feel that adult children shouldn't call their parents house home

@nowthelighthasgone

no, obviously I wouldn’t say that.

but there does come a point for every adult where home isn’t their parents house. And maybe that needs to come soon for OP’s son as it’s just not ok that he disrespects their wishes about their home and makes a mess and doesn’t clean up after himself.

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CurlewKate · 27/01/2024 15:36

He's not allowed people over? Is that usual for a 23 year old living at home?

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Snowdogsmitten · 27/01/2024 15:42

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/01/2024 14:12

Good God, OP

So basically some friends came round and moved some cushions?

You are acting like he had one of those teen parties you read about and the house was completely trashed and the police were called.

I get it's your house but surely it's better to have someone home rather than leaving the place empty and dark?

Your poor DS. You sound like very hard work.

She quite clearly stated the place was an absolute tip. He disrespected their home.

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penjil · 27/01/2024 15:54

girljulian · 27/01/2024 14:40

I have ADHD. I forget things, but I have a PhD and I’m not a fucking idiot.

Still no people around. Sorry. Thems the rules. 👍

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holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 15:58

We've never stopped him from having friends over, just not while we're on holiday because we like to know who's in our house.
My concerns are more with leaving the tap on after brushing his teeth and I turn it off when I notice, usually after he's gone to work so it would have been on all day if we weren't home, leaving the front door unlocked and the light on which if we weren't here would be for the whole day or night, all these things were in my original post so I'm not sure why people are clinging onto him not having people in while we are away, that's not the main point here at all, it's his safety and the safety of the family home because he isn't responsible.
He was originally coming on the holiday but as he can't get the time off work now it's made uncomfortable about leaving him.
Yes it's his home but it's our house and in our house we do have house rules.

OP posts:
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Lifebeganat50 · 27/01/2024 16:02

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/01/2024 13:06

At 23 is he not allowed people round?

Did you actually read the post as to WHY he wasn’t trusted to not have anyone round whilst his parents were away? He had people round and proved his parents right because of the state of the place

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NoTouch · 27/01/2024 16:04

No I wouldnt ask my ds to leave his home while I was away.

But he would be taking responsibility, cleaning up and paying for any damages or he knows he would moving out permanently.

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Caerulea · 27/01/2024 16:39

The bulk of your initial post was about having ppl in the house. He's 23, it's bizarre to limit him like that unless they are literally trashing the place, which it just doesn't sound like he did. Unfortunately you come across as controlling on this aspect.

If it really is more about the taps, then get some little signs laminated & tape them to the things he forgets to do to help remind him.

But to kick him out and make him pay for his own b&b isn't reasonable at all.

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migigo · 27/01/2024 16:41

Sorry I can't get over you don't allow his friends around. My house is a tip when we get back from holidays, dsd has adhd and is messy, but it doesn't matter, we just tidy up. Its her home

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Fionaville · 27/01/2024 16:50

Personally, I'd just let him stay home. It is his home too after all.
I remember the first time my parents left me at home while they went away. And my mum coming home saying the house was a tip, the main bugbear being the cushions were in a mess, the curtains weren't straight and the floor needed to be swept (she laughs about that, now she has an empty house) So, the next time they went away, I just made sure to tidy up a bit better.
Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter if your house needs a straighten when you get home? I'd just be clear in your expectations of how you want the house to look when you get home.

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Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/01/2024 16:55

We've never stopped him from having friends over, just not while we're on holiday because we like to know who's in our house

Save your breath, OP; on MN folk often don't read the updates - or the full opening post come to that - so you'll be damned forever as the awful mum who "won't let him have friends round" even though that's not what you said

And no, you're not BU at all to expect your home to be respected or to ask DS to stay elsewhere if he won't do this, but then at 23 I'd be encouraging/supporting him to move out and live independently anyway

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Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/01/2024 17:04

Lifebeganat50 · 27/01/2024 16:02

Did you actually read the post as to WHY he wasn’t trusted to not have anyone round whilst his parents were away? He had people round and proved his parents right because of the state of the place

I did, but the OP said nothing about the place being trashed, just that it was messy. And tbh it is his home too, having a few people round and moving a few cushions is neither here nor there to me. Leaving the gas on or something maybe

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WriterOfWrongs · 27/01/2024 17:46

holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 15:58

We've never stopped him from having friends over, just not while we're on holiday because we like to know who's in our house.
My concerns are more with leaving the tap on after brushing his teeth and I turn it off when I notice, usually after he's gone to work so it would have been on all day if we weren't home, leaving the front door unlocked and the light on which if we weren't here would be for the whole day or night, all these things were in my original post so I'm not sure why people are clinging onto him not having people in while we are away, that's not the main point here at all, it's his safety and the safety of the family home because he isn't responsible.
He was originally coming on the holiday but as he can't get the time off work now it's made uncomfortable about leaving him.
Yes it's his home but it's our house and in our house we do have house rules.

OP - I have two teenagers with ADHD, and have it myself.

What strikes me is that he's still doing all these things at 23. DH and I have had to shout train that sort of thing like leaving the tap on out of them. My youngest at 14 is nowhere near as likely to do any of the above as it sounds like your son is.

So what have you, your DH and your son himself done to get his ADHD in check? Is on medication? I've never had to do this, but putting up a checklist on the back of the front door would help.

Working on strategies seems the key to me, putting aside the fact that he threw a party when you told him not to. Because he can't go on being like this at 23, whether living in your house or not.

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TheHateIsNotGood · 27/01/2024 18:24

Very different but also a bit similar situation here - ds22, ASD - and for those saying 'these young adult dc need to move out'; very much looking forward to that day and so is DS, but it's hard enough for many young adults (and a fair few older people too) to simply live 'elsewhere'. Chuck in a ND condition into the mix and it ain't easy at all.

Just a suggestion OP that I've operated on the very few occasions I've managed to 'escape' is to get a friend of yours to come and stay. I do make it worth my 'houseguest's' time....the peace of mind is completely worth it.

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TheHateIsNotGood · 27/01/2024 18:50

And somewhat bizarrely I'd be really happy to one day come home to find various young people in the myriad of 'after party' states that I've encountered (ahem). As long as ds was found in a liveable state, somewhere...

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Homebird8 · 27/01/2024 19:14

Is there someone you trust who could move in with him whilst you're away?

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minipie · 27/01/2024 19:21

If he might leave a tap running or the front door open then surely there is a high risk he would do that at a friend’s house or a B&B as well. You’re ok with someone else taking this risk to their house, as long as it’s not yours? Or are you suggesting the friend or B&B owner would need to supervise him and go round checking after him?

If he is really such a walking hazard then you can’t expect him to stay elsewhere either.

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SeatonCarew · 27/01/2024 19:28

OP is not being unreasonable not to want random strangers in her home when she is not there.

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TheBayLady · 27/01/2024 19:47

NoTouch · 27/01/2024 16:04

No I wouldnt ask my ds to leave his home while I was away.

But he would be taking responsibility, cleaning up and paying for any damages or he knows he would moving out permanently.

All well and good but somethings can't be replaced.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 20:19

TheBayLady · 27/01/2024 19:47

All well and good but somethings can't be replaced.

@NoTouch

exactly! You can’t always get like for like. Aren’t people allowed to take a pride in their homes and their things?

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MoonWoman69 · 27/01/2024 20:35

I think what people are forgetting here, is that OP's post is just a snapshot of a couple of issues she has. Why are you all judging her attitude to parenting and managing the issues with her son, on just one post?! How do you know that this hasn't been an ongoing battle to educate him as to appropriate and safe behaviour? Her DS is 23, did you ever consider that OP might have had years of struggling and trying to resolve these issues and is now at her wits end? No you didn't. All these "perfect" parents out there, making assumptions because that's not how they'd deal with things?! Please don't judge someone on one snippet of information and don't comment if you don't have anything useful to say, it's not helpful at all.

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