To ask ds to stay elsewhere while we're on holiday

[holidayqualms]

Ds is not very trustworthy, he's very absent minded leaves taps running and goes off to work, forgets to turn off lights, leaves doors unlocked etc.
He has ADHD.
He's 23 now and last year we trusted him while we had a long weekend away as a sort of first time to see how it would go but when we returned he'd had people in which we specifically made clear he was not to do while we weren't there but he ignored this and had people stay over, he denied this at first until we found empty drinks and other evidence so he admitted he'd had people to stay, the place was an absolute tip.

We've booked a holiday this year and it's causing so much anxiety, he can't get the time off work now to come with us as was the original plan and we can't relax with him home alone.
Would it be unreasonable to ask him to stay elsewhere while we're away so we can lock the house up and relax?
We don't have family near by and he has work but I was thinking a local friend or a cheap b&b or something.
Otherwise I think we'll have to cancel.

, my job as a parent is to scaffold them into independence not punish then for perpetuity for breaking rules that really didn’t cause any harm.

Exactly and it’s funny some people are saying OP should encourage him to leave the family home and live alone while co-signing the idea he can’t even be trusted to stay in their family home by himself for a week or so. You can’t have it both ways.

This, exactly.

He's 23. If you are willing to have him at home then he should be able to have friends over. What young adult doesn't have a few friends over? You weren't even there! Very unfair to chuck him out of his own home when you go away.

Ultimately you have an adult child who is in your house. He doesn't need a babysitter. And it sounds like he needs a bit of independence. If you don't like it then he needs to move out. What support does he need with his adhd? Work on this and get him out.

I don't understand the outrage about asking him not to have friends over. Yes it is his home but it is also OPs home (and her partners I think) and the son is the junior partner in this arrangement.
Someone upthread suggested a family member dropping by. I don't think you can ask someone to check up on a grown adult in that way.

Although I think OP is getting too much grief about the "don't have friends over" thing I think I'd try to pivot it. If he has a friend who you like and trust, I'd actually be saying "no friends except Dave, but he can stay as much as you like" - leave a note of what needs to be done and hope that DS can use body doubling to get him through the basic tasks.

Not if he is irresponsible and leaving the house so messy after a party. 23 doesn't mean you don't have any respect for your parents home

I would say similar to the good God posters and I have ADHD and autism myself. I hold down a very responsible job. My parents taught me how to be independent and didn't hold mistakes against me. There may be more to it that I've not read/hasn't been posted but based on the OP it was some time ago and not a big deal - not even something I'd say was a mistake only people with ADHD might make. The ADHD may be a red herring (and if it is that bad, has he not been helped with therapy/meds and coping strategies?)

I've read your posts, op, and noted the details about taps, lights etc.

I still think you're massively unreasonable to kick him out to self fund a b&b while you're away because he dared to have friends to stay (at 22/23). And 'massively unreasonable' seems like the kindest description here.

I really feel for your son, tbh. I can see, and understand, why there might be legitimate issues sharing a home with him but this feels like you're fighting the wrong battles and picking the wrong hill to die on.

Goodness it’s a very high level of disability if a flooded house is likely. Surely he’s not safe to stay in a b&b either?

This.
I suspect having to pay his own electric/water bills, tidy up himself after guests etc will sort him out.

Can't believe OP is considering sending him to a friend's house though, if he can't even be trusted to lock a door or not leave a tap running!

So you don't trust him so want to put it onto someone else? Sure if his friends are independent and living alone that is their choice but not if they live with their own parents themselves it is not fair on those parents

Zombie thread

Leaving taps running and doors unlocked? Holy shite. I wouldn't want him in my house either.