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AIBU?

To ask ds to stay elsewhere while we're on holiday

79 replies

holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 12:38

Ds is not very trustworthy, he's very absent minded leaves taps running and goes off to work, forgets to turn off lights, leaves doors unlocked etc.
He has ADHD.
He's 23 now and last year we trusted him while we had a long weekend away as a sort of first time to see how it would go but when we returned he'd had people in which we specifically made clear he was not to do while we weren't there but he ignored this and had people stay over, he denied this at first until we found empty drinks and other evidence so he admitted he'd had people to stay, the place was an absolute tip.

We've booked a holiday this year and it's causing so much anxiety, he can't get the time off work now to come with us as was the original plan and we can't relax with him home alone.
Would it be unreasonable to ask him to stay elsewhere while we're away so we can lock the house up and relax?
We don't have family near by and he has work but I was thinking a local friend or a cheap b&b or something.
Otherwise I think we'll have to cancel.

OP posts:
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Mybootsare · 27/01/2024 21:23

, my job as a parent is to scaffold them into independence not punish then for perpetuity for breaking rules that really didn’t cause any harm.

Exactly and it’s funny some people are saying OP should encourage him to leave the family home and live alone while co-signing the idea he can’t even be trusted to stay in their family home by himself for a week or so. You can’t have it both ways.

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Mybootsare · 27/01/2024 21:24

minipie · 27/01/2024 19:21

If he might leave a tap running or the front door open then surely there is a high risk he would do that at a friend’s house or a B&B as well. You’re ok with someone else taking this risk to their house, as long as it’s not yours? Or are you suggesting the friend or B&B owner would need to supervise him and go round checking after him?

If he is really such a walking hazard then you can’t expect him to stay elsewhere either.

This, exactly.

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fixies · 29/01/2024 08:50

He's 23. If you are willing to have him at home then he should be able to have friends over. What young adult doesn't have a few friends over? You weren't even there! Very unfair to chuck him out of his own home when you go away.


Ultimately you have an adult child who is in your house. He doesn't need a babysitter. And it sounds like he needs a bit of independence. If you don't like it then he needs to move out. What support does he need with his adhd? Work on this and get him out.

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Love51 · 29/01/2024 09:11

I don't understand the outrage about asking him not to have friends over. Yes it is his home but it is also OPs home (and her partners I think) and the son is the junior partner in this arrangement.
Someone upthread suggested a family member dropping by. I don't think you can ask someone to check up on a grown adult in that way.

Although I think OP is getting too much grief about the "don't have friends over" thing I think I'd try to pivot it. If he has a friend who you like and trust, I'd actually be saying "no friends except Dave, but he can stay as much as you like" - leave a note of what needs to be done and hope that DS can use body doubling to get him through the basic tasks.

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