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AIBU?

To ask ds to stay elsewhere while we're on holiday

79 replies

holidayqualms · 27/01/2024 12:38

Ds is not very trustworthy, he's very absent minded leaves taps running and goes off to work, forgets to turn off lights, leaves doors unlocked etc.
He has ADHD.
He's 23 now and last year we trusted him while we had a long weekend away as a sort of first time to see how it would go but when we returned he'd had people in which we specifically made clear he was not to do while we weren't there but he ignored this and had people stay over, he denied this at first until we found empty drinks and other evidence so he admitted he'd had people to stay, the place was an absolute tip.

We've booked a holiday this year and it's causing so much anxiety, he can't get the time off work now to come with us as was the original plan and we can't relax with him home alone.
Would it be unreasonable to ask him to stay elsewhere while we're away so we can lock the house up and relax?
We don't have family near by and he has work but I was thinking a local friend or a cheap b&b or something.
Otherwise I think we'll have to cancel.

OP posts:
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Fleetheart · 27/01/2024 14:35

These people saying Good God etc obviously don’t have experience of. DS with ADHD. I do and I completely get where you’re coming from. However, it all depends on whether he is supportive, will he do this?

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LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 14:37

Wolfiefan · 27/01/2024 14:31

So you want to kick him out of the house whilst you’re away?? It’s his home. Either you trust him to live in it or you don’t. In which case he should move out.
I also think it’s completely OTT to say he can’t have any friends over to his home.

@Wolfiefan

it is not his home

it is OP’s home.

it is her name on the mortgage, not his.

he is 23 , about time he got a home of his own

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Mybootsare · 27/01/2024 14:37

Tbh it doesn’t sound as though he is allowed to feel it is his home, despite the fact that he has a job and pays housekeeping. It seems like you treat him like a lodger?

That’s exactly what it sounds like. I am ND but also just had to learn to manage things because I wasn’t babied and grew up with a single parent who worked so I’d been in the house alone (Not overnight ) since my teens. I’m hyper vigilant about checking I have my keys when I go out, locking doors and turning things off etc because I’ve always been quite self aware and know my weaknesses.

I moved out at 19 but came back for a couple of years in my mid 20s and despite not paying towards much except doing my food shopping I was definitely allowed friends over.

I hope you made him clean the house when you got back last time though, he shouldn’t be leaving it a mess for you. but apart from that sounds like he coped well as nothing was flooded, set on fire or damaged.

rents are very high, not everyone can afford to move out even in flatshares and many of the affordable flatshares are really grotty and unless you’re living with friends it can be risky . It’s perfectly normal and understandable for 23 year olds to be at home nowadays.

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SoupDragon · 27/01/2024 14:39

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 14:37

@Wolfiefan

it is not his home

it is OP’s home.

it is her name on the mortgage, not his.

he is 23 , about time he got a home of his own

It might not be his property but it is his home. It's where he lives.

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girljulian · 27/01/2024 14:40

Fleetheart · 27/01/2024 14:35

These people saying Good God etc obviously don’t have experience of. DS with ADHD. I do and I completely get where you’re coming from. However, it all depends on whether he is supportive, will he do this?

I have ADHD. I forget things, but I have a PhD and I’m not a fucking idiot.

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Ohnoooooooo · 27/01/2024 14:42

I have adhd and so do my children.
I am stuck on you not letting your 23 year old son have people over.
I thought you were going to say he left the gas on and nearly burnt the house down. Nope his crime was having people over.

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Fleetheart · 27/01/2024 14:46

@girljulian you may not be and actually neither is my DS, but yes I will admit to having had huge anxiety at leaving him at home because he would (and still does) do some stuff - leave doors open, have friends round and drink / take drugs; have fires in the garden. all sorts. I was hugely anxious about leaving him at home because every time I did, I’d come back and something else would be trashed.

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girljulian · 27/01/2024 14:48

Fleetheart · 27/01/2024 14:46

@girljulian you may not be and actually neither is my DS, but yes I will admit to having had huge anxiety at leaving him at home because he would (and still does) do some stuff - leave doors open, have friends round and drink / take drugs; have fires in the garden. all sorts. I was hugely anxious about leaving him at home because every time I did, I’d come back and something else would be trashed.

None of this sounds like anything a neurotypical teenage boy wouldn’t do? Having friends round — so what?

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Hobbi · 27/01/2024 14:49

@LuckySantangelo35

Do people really think like this about their own children?

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Brawcolli · 27/01/2024 14:51

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 14:37

@Wolfiefan

it is not his home

it is OP’s home.

it is her name on the mortgage, not his.

he is 23 , about time he got a home of his own

He lives there, so it is his home. It’s almost impossible to get housing without significant help because the market is so fucked at the moment.

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Seaside3 · 27/01/2024 14:52

It seems very unnecessary. What will he do when he moves out? Will you be worried about him burning the house down etc? Or will you teach him ways to remember and cope? I feel for your son. He should be allowed friends, you should be happy he has some to come over. Who cares of a few pots were left?
you sound very controlling.

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BusyMummyWrites01 · 27/01/2024 14:54

girljulian · 27/01/2024 14:40

I have ADHD. I forget things, but I have a PhD and I’m not a fucking idiot.

Yep - I’m ADHD and doing my 4th degree (a PhD); my youngest is ASD about to start 4 A levels and hopes to go to med school; eldest is a year behind after having MH issues at 6th form and dropping out, now homeschooling, but hoping to get to Oxford for a BA in FineArt next year.

They can be a nightmare when it comes to keeping the house/rooms clean; managing laundry; washing up (🤬); remembering even the most basic thing they’ve been asked to do 10mins ago - and, yes, I lose my sh*t with them over it sometimes - but my home is their home, their friends are welcome unless they trash the place, and whilst I will put support in place when I go away (friends/a builder on-call), my job as a parent is to scaffold them into independence not punish then for perpetuity for breaking rules that really didn’t cause any harm.

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beAsensible1 · 27/01/2024 14:57

I think it’s an opportunity to practice trust and him show he’s responsible and matured.

maybe take a £100 cleaning deposit to use if anything gets ruined while your away.

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Bunnyhair · 27/01/2024 15:03

<Awaiting full family neurodiversity drip-feed where parents have extreme threat response around anyone being in their home / not doing things the way they would>

Also, though, it’s great that people on this thread have ADHD and PhDs etc. But surely we all know that ND conditions affect people differently and to different extents in different areas of functioning. It drives me bonkers when people bang on about the injustice of being held to NT standards / norms and then hold everyone else with their diagnosis to their own personal standards. I’ve got ADHD and I’ve managed fine in life. Other people in my family are utterly debilitated by it and can’t manage their lives / impulses at all (and no, it’s not just because they’re lazy or they’re just twats or whatever - it’s because they are much more profoundly afflicted by symptoms that are milder for me, and for others who are able to manage their lives and relationships).

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Mindymomo · 27/01/2024 15:07

I may have given another chance had he not lied about having people over and come clean to you. We’ve left our 2 adult sons alone before and all was good, but they’ve now fallen out big time and haven’t spoken for 2 years so one of them comes with us on holiday and we leave the other at home. He’s admitted to having friends around, but all has been good. We tell our neighbour and they have a key.

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fuckityfuckityfuckfuck · 27/01/2024 15:08

Well I agree with the PP that said its time he got his own home, but not for the same reason.

It must be stifling living somewhere you're not trusted or able to feel yourself! If the worst he did was have a couple of mates have a couple of beers and crash on the sofa, you've got nothing to worry about!

And just in case, get home insurance.

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roarrfeckingroar · 27/01/2024 15:11

That's all a bit sad. You don't sound like you like him much.

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purpleme12 · 27/01/2024 15:13

Wolfiefan · 27/01/2024 14:31

So you want to kick him out of the house whilst you’re away?? It’s his home. Either you trust him to live in it or you don’t. In which case he should move out.
I also think it’s completely OTT to say he can’t have any friends over to his home.

I do think this is true.
If you really can't trust him at this age to leave him in the house while you go away, then really it's best if you make him find his own place.
Because while he's living there it should be his home as well as yours shouldn't it.
And it doesn't sound like it is.

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Nanny0gg · 27/01/2024 15:14

girljulian · 27/01/2024 14:40

I have ADHD. I forget things, but I have a PhD and I’m not a fucking idiot.

So, to be fair, take away his ADHD and he may well be the sort of disrespectful son who doesn't respect his parent's property

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Tempnamechng · 27/01/2024 15:14

They moved cushions and drank beer, at 23 years old? Shockers!

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nowthelighthasgone · 27/01/2024 15:20

@LuckySantangelo35 so by your logic if you're not on a mortgage you don't have a home?!?

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LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 15:21

roarrfeckingroar · 27/01/2024 15:11

That's all a bit sad. You don't sound like you like him much.

@roarrfeckingroar

lol only on mumsnet are you expected to do everything your offspring wants , let them trash your house or whatever otherwise you don’t like them.

it’s ridiculous

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LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 15:23

nowthelighthasgone · 27/01/2024 15:20

@LuckySantangelo35 so by your logic if you're not on a mortgage you don't have a home?!?

@nowthelighthasgone

no

if you are the one paying mortgage OR rent then it your home.

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LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 15:24

girljulian · 27/01/2024 14:48

None of this sounds like anything a neurotypical teenage boy wouldn’t do? Having friends round — so what?

@girljulian

my parents would have gone mad at me if I had set a fire in their garden

its not ok

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nowthelighthasgone · 27/01/2024 15:25

@LuckySantangelo35 so do you correct your children when they refer to their "home" and tell them they haven't got one yet? 😂

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