Split between siblings and grandchildren

[Wouldliketobeanon]

I would like to be anonymous for this so have changed my name.

I am single and live in a privately rented home. I have no dependents and fully support all of my costs with a single income. I'm not skint but not wealthy. If I need more money I work more (cleaning or freelance). I work full time.

My mum (dad died 3 years ago) has a healthy sum in the bank and lots of bits of expensive jewellery plus dad's bits and pieces, it's all worth quite a bit. She's not been in the best of health and is looking to pass on some of her jewellery and dad's to us while she's still with us for us to enjoy and share that enjoyment with her. I support this if its what she wants.

I have one sister who has three children. She has a husband and they both work but they are spenders, drive lovely cars on finance, lots of work to house (no judgement). They are always asking mum for money and she gives it to them (again no judgement, it's mum's money) I'm saying this for background.

My AIBU mum is talking about splitting her belongings five ways, me, sister, three nieces. I think it should be split 50/50 between me and sister and then sister can give to her daughters if she chooses.

What do you think? I would NEVER say this to any of them and will go with whatever mum decides but just wondered if I was being unreasonable?

I think it’s your mum’s decision to make.

Obviously fifty fifty would be 'fair' but your mum isn't obliged to be fair. I'd be annoyed if my mum did this.

anything but a 50:50 split is going to cause resentment because it is unfair. Yes, it’s her money and she can do what she wants, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t being unreasonable in her decision.

In my family most people go with a halfway house between your desired approach and your mum's approach - in your situation they would split it 3 ways: a third to you, a third to your sister and a third split between the grandchildren. But there is no right or wrong way.

I think you have to accept that grandparents have a direct relationship with their grandchildren and love them for themselves, not just an extension of their parents, so it is completely fair and normal for grandchildren to get something directly from grandparents, rather than waiting for it to come down through the parents.

My sibling and I currently each only have one child but if he goes on to have more and I don't, I wouldn't expect my DC to get more from our parents, just because there's only one of them. I would expect equal amounts to go to all grandchildren, even if that means my brother's "family" gets more in total than mine. I see each person as an individual, not as smaller separate groups within a wider family, and luckily my parents and sibling agree.

i agree with you. Unless there is a very very large estate, I don’t think inheritance should skip generations. Not talking about granny’s favourite brooch, vase etc.

I agree it's entirely mum's decision and as I said I will support whatever she decides and highly unlikely to say anything regardless of what she decides.

I just wondered if I was being unreasonable in thinking its unfair (not mum).

I can see where you are coming from . maybe point out that a 50/50 between you and your sister would be more apporopriate so her children can inherit that way. You may not have children now but what about the future? would she effectively want to exclude any unborn grandchildren? Unfortunately though ultimately it's her decision.

I wouldn't split it evenly but I would leave my (currently imaginary) GC a share each if my DC were comfortable and would still inherit a considerable sum.

I have 3 kids, my brother none. I would expect inheritance to be split 50:50 between us

I think it's your mum's decision at the end of the day, as you mention. But YANBU to be upset about this.

If I was in your Mum's position, I'd take maybe 10% to split between the 3 grandchildren so they all got something direct then the rest split 50/50 between you and your sister.

oh and I really wouldn't bring this up with her unless you are happy to damage relationships. Your post comes across as though you don't love your nieces/nephews or count them as equal family. But do bear in mind that your mum likely loves them as much as she loves you.

The irony is I'm likely to leave everything I get to my nieces anyway. Unless the unthinkable happens and I meet, marry and have children in the next few years. I'm 45 so very highly unlikely! In fact, impossible.

@GreenFrog13 are your parents not close to your children? My parents are very close to their grandchildren, so there's no way they would leave them nothing. What if I fritter all my inheritance away? Or I die and then my husband remarries? Then my kids wouldn't get anything passed down. My parents wouldn't chance that. (I'm not likely to fritter it, FYI!)

Mum is close to her grandchildren. I am obviously less so as I don't see them as often. I think even the 33/33/33 split would be fairer.

I hate feeling like this, I hate thinking about inheritance but it has been on my mind since Christmas when it was first mentioned.

I think 50:50 or maybe even 33:33:33, but nothing else should really be considered. My DM and her siblings got an unequal distribution if inheritance and it sadly has soured all of the sibling's relations. I know 'it's only money', but it feels unfair to the ones that lost out.

I hate feeling like this, I hate thinking about inheritance but it has been on my mind since Christmas when it was first mentioned.

It sounds like you only 'hate' it because you want your mother's money spent how you want her to spend it.

Maybe you'd hate the feeling less if you copped yourself on and realised anything your mum gives to you is a gift, and a very thoughtful one at that.

Why don't you ask your Mum if you can have various items that you would like to wear/use on the proviso that most/all will go to her DGC in your will?

I agree it somehow hurts but unless it is jewellery you intend to wear does it matter?

If you need/want money for something now is the time to ask before she splits it.

Slightly different situation, two brothers but one had one child and the other had two, I was a grandchild. I spoke to my Dad about it because as the grandchild I felt guilty reducing his inheritance. He said his parents loved us all and it was absolutely their choice what would happen to their money. However much inheritance you receive should be seen as a gift. It is benefitting the people they shared their lives with equally. Thought this was a lovely way to think about it.

I suppose she feels she loves all 5 individuals the same amount so wants to give all 5 individuals the same amount.

I think the third each to her children a third to her grandchildren would be better.

Maybe she feels the next generation need it more and will need it in the nearer future (to get on the property ladder etc) than the older generation.

See I don’t think this is really unfair as it’s been left shared equally amongst her loved ones, it ensures everyone gets “their” share, there’s no rule that says its only fair if split between direct children and not grandchildren. I also think theres more of them so if she wants to help ALL of her loved ones out equally (depending on what kind of amounts we are talking about) it makes sense to leave your sister her % for her own life, and then leave the grandkids their own separate % for example house deposit.

I voted YANBU, and I suspect I'd feel the same in your shoes.

However, rereading you're talking about jewellery at this stage and I do think that's a little different - giving the granddaughters a physical gift and memento from their grandmother.

Cash, investments, property etc I do think should be 50/50 between you both, perhaps with a nominal gift to the DGC.

I agree with you. You are not unreasonable at all. I would also tell your mum how you feel.

Sorry I wasn't specific about dad's belongings which were left to mum and she now wants to split out. Dad was a collector but a good one, he has multiple collections worth quite a bit - stamps, memorabilia and quite a bit of stuff that is likely to be sold as he loved it but its very niche. So, essentially this is money. Mum has some beautiful diamond jewellery. If given to nieces they couldn't really wear it as I'm sure my sister would be worried sick they'd lose it.

Nieces are 8, 10 and 11.

In my family GC usually get a small lump sum to help then out at their stage of life (university, driving lessons, travel, house deposit savings) and the rest split between the children. I think a lot of GP see that a small lump sum can be more impactful for a 20yr old than a 55yr old.