Split between siblings and grandchildren

[Wouldliketobeanon]

I would like to be anonymous for this so have changed my name.

I am single and live in a privately rented home. I have no dependents and fully support all of my costs with a single income. I'm not skint but not wealthy. If I need more money I work more (cleaning or freelance). I work full time.

My mum (dad died 3 years ago) has a healthy sum in the bank and lots of bits of expensive jewellery plus dad's bits and pieces, it's all worth quite a bit. She's not been in the best of health and is looking to pass on some of her jewellery and dad's to us while she's still with us for us to enjoy and share that enjoyment with her. I support this if its what she wants.

I have one sister who has three children. She has a husband and they both work but they are spenders, drive lovely cars on finance, lots of work to house (no judgement). They are always asking mum for money and she gives it to them (again no judgement, it's mum's money) I'm saying this for background.

My AIBU mum is talking about splitting her belongings five ways, me, sister, three nieces. I think it should be split 50/50 between me and sister and then sister can give to her daughters if she chooses.

What do you think? I would NEVER say this to any of them and will go with whatever mum decides but just wondered if I was being unreasonable?

How close is your mum to her GC? How much do both you and your sister help her? How much does either party need the money. I have never agreed with equal splits, especially seeing what my poor mum went through with my gran - doing 100% of the caring while the rest did sod all, and only getting 25% 'because it was fair' (according to her siblings who influenced my gran as she wrote her will).

I understand that she's talking about splitting her belongings 5 ways. Has she indicated that she intends it to be an equal split between the 5 of you?
Splitting it 5 ways doesn't necessarily mean that.

I don’t wear jewellery not even my wedding and engagement ring. My Mum can give her jewellery to whom she chooses as I will never wear it. I think it’s your Mums jewellery and it has absolutely nothing to do with you who she chooses to give it to.

I have 3 siblings and we inherited 1/4 each. At the time will was made our parent felt this was fairest as 1 sibling had 4 children others had none. Ultimately its up to the person making the will to decide what they pass on to who. It is a good idea to pass on some jewellery etc while living as they can ensure wishes are carried out. I was left a piece of jewellery in GP will and never received it.

I agree with you.

My grandparents left an equal sum to each grandchild and their estate was then split equally between their children. I think we were also given one piece of jewellery or watch/cufflinks, chosen by the grandparent for each recipient. Any books, ornaments, household items etc that the children didn't want were offered to grandchildren and anything unclaimed was donated. I chose a couple of books and a cousin who was setting up their first home took some crockery, for example. I thought this was quite a fair approach, although I don't think anything was particularly valuable and I'm sure that made everything more straightforward!

@Wouldliketobeanon although ultimately it's not your decision to make (which you have acknowledged), would your Mum be receptive to considering a monetary bequest to each of her 3 grandchildren with the remainder of her estate being a 50/50 split to you and your sister?

With jewellery which she would like to see being enjoyed it makes sense to me to share it amongst all her dependents to me. With things that will just be sold and converted to money then 50/50 between siblings seems fairer.

Decendents not dependants.

Mum is close to her grandchildren and obviously loves them unconditionally. She has done a lot for DS and BIL over the years, whereas I haven't needed any support as I don't have children. Although she's now not in great health she is very very independent and hasn't needed a lot doing for her. I'd say we've equally supported her.

I don't think there is a right or wrong here. From your mum's perspective she will probably be thinking of the 5 people she loves the most, rather than 'branches of the family'. And it sounds like your sister would likely spend her share anyway rather than pass it on as inheritance to her children

It is entirely mum's decision and I won't sway her either way. I will not even comment if she splits it equally 5 ways, that's her decision and I accept it.

My AIBU was an anonymous poll to see if I was being mean and grabby to feel this way.

It's up to your Mum. My Mum wrote her will before any of us had kids and its between her surviving children and any grandchildren. Irrelevant of who has how many kids and who doesn't, it's her choice.

50:50 is fair. Anything else isn't. However it up to your mum on this

@Wouldliketobeanon I am your sister in this situation, ie the one with DCs, my sibling doesn't have any.

FYI my mother did exactly what @Workawayxx suggests here and gave a sum to each of my 3 DCs, jointly amounting to somewhere between five and 10% of the estate. Everything else, including my dad's collections (which mum kept but had no interest in herself), were split 50-50. Not sure what my sibling thought of this, but I thought it was spot on.

If there is a particular item of jewellery you would like I suppose now is the time for you to mention you have always liked X piece of jewellery but not so keen on Y piece of jewellery. I am not keen on big clunky rings but prefer small dainty ones and I love dangly earrings more than stud earrings. I'd let her know your preferences so you at least get something you'd love to wear. With money, anything but equal shares for DC is not really fair, but I'm sure you know this. My Mum left all her 5 DD 1/5th of everything. Me and 1 other of my sisters are far better off than the other 3. I bought 1 of my sister's a car with some of the money Mum left to me and also gave some to my DC. I didn't really need it at the time that Mum died, but I'd have felt terribly unloved if Mum had left me out because she thought I didn't need it. I think with jewelry it's nice to leave her granddaughters something each. I know my MiL who has some very nice jewelry is leaving it to me and her 3 granddaughters. She is not leaving jewelry to any of her DS's or DGS's. She doesn't have any DD's of her own but I've always been very close to her. I invited her to come and choose my wedding dress with me. She has specified I get to choose a piece first then each DGD in age order. Then we all choose again and so forth. I'm just hoping it ends with the four of us having the same number of items each.

Why don't you suggest to your mum 3rd split and say they girls are in the will to get your money anyway.

I think you need to accept that it's your mum's decision.

I'd feel the same as you OP.

I think 50:50, one you don't have a house and two who is to say you might not get swept off your feet and have kids in the future.
Or maybe give £10k to each grandchild, then 50:50 for the rest. I'd be hurt in your place.

I have just one sibling and she has no children. I have two. My sister is also significantly better off than me and that is her good fortune and good decision making. I would be very unhappy on my sisters behalf if my parents gave anything other than a token amount to my children. I think their estate should be divided 50/50 between my sister and I and that is indeed the plan. It is up to me to provide for my children from my resources which will include, all things being equal, an inheritance from my parents. OP, I completely get you'd feelings on this. And I also don't understand the whole 'your parents love their grandchildren the same as their children' - that is not the case in my family nor in most others I know. Maybe it would be different if we lived closer, my parents love their grandchildren but it wouldn't compare to the richness of the relationship they have with my sister and I.

YABU it’s your mums money and possessions so it doesn’t matter what you think is fair or unfair there is only one opinion really that counts and that’s your mums. That might sound harsh but when it comes down to it that’s all that counts what your mum wants to do

My sister died unexpectedly last year. My brother and i are her executors. I have two children, my brother has none. My sister left £25k each to my two children and some small bequests to charities. The residue of her estate is split 37.5% each to me and my brother and 25% to my mother (my father died some time ago). My mother, who has significant savings, has decided to execute a deed of variation for her share of the estate 50% to my brother, 40% to me and 5% each to my two children. Everyone is happy with that.

@MadameMaxGoesler I'm sorry for your loss. You sound a very wise family. That sounds extremely fair.

I think because they're specific possessions she probably likes the idea of leaving something to everyone. I agree for the will it's more fair to leave it 50:50. At the same time my relationship with my DGM was fantastic and I think she saw me as a person independent of my dad. Similarly my mum is the same with her grandkids. So if they weren't related you wouldn't be suggesting their share comes out of whoever introduced her to them. I think it's a funny one.